The Adventures of Anti-Naruto and Anti-????
Once Hidan had finished threatening the lives of the Akatsuki, they stared at him as he stood there in the center of the cave for about 40 seconds, and then resumed their previous activities, meaning counting change for Kakuzu, installing a mini fridge in Hiruko for Sasori and absolutely nothing for Deidara. Hoping to kill some time and to dissolve the hollow of silence that was bearing down on him, Pain began a meaningless and winding speech that no one listened to.
"Akatsuki, as we all know, the recruitment of a new member is a serious and essential ingredient to proceed with our final plans. This opportunity rarely comes along seeing as there are barely any individuals capable of surviving our rigorous, life-testing admissions process and who bear the suprahuman capabilities to be worthy of our elite operation. One may not simply waltz in here and sign a registration form my friends!"
Meanwhile a swift ruffle could be seen as the shadow of a tree began to diverge, forming a barely discernable figure enshrouded in darkness and mystery, who moved with the exact currents of the wind, dancing among the very shadows of blades of grass, his precision and stealth was so refined and not only bounding lighter and airier than the swiftest ballet dancer, but also with the prowess and intelligence of a ninja.
Suddenly, not only a knock was heard on the cave door, but the entire wall itself imploded, crumbling into mere particulates from the brobdignagian force of the impact which pounded straight through the high level sealing jutsu and solid rock as a mighty fist through a child's sand castle!
"My god! What power! It's unprecedented! Even all the hokage, biju, every person ever's chakra, 12 hurricanes, and a really hungry Choji combined couldn't have yielded the force necessary to destroy that rock!" Pain yelled in amazement.
Although he desperately felt the need to state his business, the dark figure waited patiently for Pain to finish speaking before responding.
"Are you gonna pay for that? I know this looks like a dive but this is actually our house," said Kakuzu. "You don't find rocks that size so easily, and we paid good money to have it shipped here. Yeah, that was actually a door…" Kakuzu stared angrily and unblinkingly in order to invoke shame in his interlocutor.
"Man that was cool!" said Deidara.
Sasori didn't even look up.
"Hey you guys, I got the Instant Ramen! Oh hey, is something going on that I should know about?" said Itachi who had just returned from the store with Kisame. Both stood outside the cave entrance with bloody, plastic "have a nice day" smiley face bags in hand.
"Oh, uh, don't ask about the bags…Kisame stole a water gun, so one of the grocers followed us outside, and long story short we killed the whole village…….Yeah. We can't really shop there for a while."
"Well, so I guess that explains why it took THREE HOURS," said Sasori.
"Dude, you don't even eat. Man, you're just trying to be an asshole. No one cares about your childhood. Waiting is a fact of life, hmm," said Deidara.
"I like to watch the noodles get soggy. How does a solid cube turn into a bowl of stringy noodles? It is fascinating…"
"EXCUSE ME? I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but I don't want to waste any more of your time, ya' know. I was hoping that maybe you would consider me as a candidate for your organization," interjected the trespasser.
All eyes immediately fell on this shadowy figure as he emerged from the darkness. His appearance was as astounding as his abilities. He was a dashing young man with a smooth, clean face and tame, straight, jet black hair. His eyes had a polished gloss over a dark, burgundy color like glazed wood and appeared filled with great depth and intelligence, while also harboring many secrets. He stood tall and stately, and was extremelyextremely handsome despite the slight aberration of three vertical black lines running down each cheek. He had a stern expression, immobile as if permanently shaped by wisdom. He wore a jumpsuit of blue and white that would humiliate any other, less charismatic person, but which was seamlessly absorbed into his intimidating glow, giving him the exclusivity of pulling off such a look, furthering his solid individuality and magnanimity.
"I can't believe it, ya' know. I actually followed a real Akatsuki member to the real Akatsuki hideout. I heard this organization was comprised of the deadliest outlaw ninja whose intentions were always laden with evil and the desire to crush hope and inspire fear and obedience, ya' know. You see, ever since I was a child I was surrounded by people who loved me. My parents were constantly there to smother my dirt stained cheeks with saliva and pack my lunches for ninja school. I hated it. I cursed them and threw my lunches into the street so I could beat up kids for lunch money, and yet they still adored me, ya' know?! If I beat them, they praised my strength. If I purposely failed tests in school, they praised my independence and rebelliousness. You see, you can never truly understand what it is like to live in a world where everyone you hate loves you. That is why I seek to join the Akatsuki. I hope to one day return to my village, Konoha, and level the place, leaving only misery and ruin to take root in the corrupted soil, ya' know?"
"Yeah....we all got sick of back stories a long time ago," said Kisame.
"Yeah, if you think that makes you special, join the club," said Sasori with a sweeping hand gesture.
"Yeah, I used to live in a green house," said Zetsu.
"Me too!" said Deidara.
"Shutup. We all know that's a lie…seventeen…eighteen. Wait, was that a penny or a rock? Dammit! I lost count again!" said Kakuzu.
"You sound like a worthy candidate. That is, perhaps, after a demonstration of your power to prove your worthiness," said Pain.
The figure then proceeded to do his ultra ultimate super finishing move.
"………my God. Never in my entire life did I ever imagine that I would be witness to such a spectacle. I am in the presence of a true genius. Even my most difficult jutsu would seem like playground antics to you, I'm sure. I feel ashamed to follow that up with such an inanity as to ask for your name."
He slowly tilted his head upward from the shadows, and with a stark, direct glare pronounced, "Anti-Naruto."
"Cool. Want some Instant Ramen?" said Itachi.
"No, thank you. I despise the stuff."
Meanwhile Naruto was wolfing down bowl after bowl of Ichiraku Ramen.
"WOW THIS IS THE GREATEST BOWL OF RAMEN I'VE EVER HAD! BELIEVE IT! CAN I HAVE ANOTHER ONE?!" The chef handed Naruto another bowl full to the brim with steaming noodles and whatever the customers hadn't eaten that day.
"WOW THIS IS THE GREATEST BOWL OF RAMEN I'VE EVER HAD! BELIEVE IT! CAN I HAVE ANOTHER ONE?!" Naruto engulfed the entire contents in one swallow, his neck expanding as the massive bulk of the entire serving could be seen sliding down his esophagus.
Kakashi was sitting nearby, his face in his hand, like a despondent drunk at a bar who has lost all meaning in life and has nothing left but regret.
"Alright, I fed you everything in the store. Everything edible that is…" hinted the chef as he leaned over the counter toward Naruto. Naruto perked up and his humongous mouth was about to shout in response when Kakashi interrupted "I THINK he's ready for the bill right now."
He then pulled a small flask from out from beneath his padded green vest, took a swig and grumbled "always gotta' look out for this guy…how…how did this happen to me? When did it happen? I was in the prime of my career. I coulda' been a contender. I coulda' been hokage. I coulda' had a family….But this is what my life ended up as…Kakashi…where did you go wrong? I was just trying to be a good guy…I was young…naïve, I thought 'sure, watch over some kid, take him on a few missions, build a resume…' but no. What did I do to deserve this?" He then rubbed the temples of his forehead with his thumbs and winced, closing his eyes as if in deep reflection of events past. "Now look at me, 26 years old and grey hair already…"
Suddenly a piercing voice shot out as violent, disruptive, and unwanted as the morning alarm clock: "KAKASHI I FORGOT I HAD TO PAY FOR THIS AGAIN CAN YOU LOAN ME SOME MONEY?"
"Well, he already owes me $25,000, what difference does it make if it's $25,001.25…" thought Kakashi. "Sure. Here you go," Kakashi said as he threw Naruto some change with a limp toss of his hand.
Suddenly Sakura walked into the restaurant and Naruto's brain did this:
[ FOOD SEX ]
"SAKURA! W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!" said Naruto.
"I just got word that a top secret mission has been assigned to us involving the Akatsuki!" said Sakura.
"SHE MUST LIKE ME, WHY ELSE WOULD SHE COME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE JUST TO TELL ME THAT WE HAD A MISSION?" thought Naruto.
"We have to hurry! The Hokage has said that she believes they are after the biju within Naruto and we must catch them by surprise before they arrive at Konoha. Apparently one of the members was a former Konoha resident and knows where our operatives are stationed and how to infiltrate the village!"
"Alright…we better leave now then," said Kakashi.
"WAIT," said Sakura.
"What?"
"I have to…uh…go back to my house first."
"Why?"
"WELL IT'S REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSSINESS BUT IF YOU REALLY HAVE TO KNOW I HAVE TO FRESHEN UP AND MAKE SURE I LOOK GOOD CAUSE WE MIGHT RUN INTO SASUKE! YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THESE MISSIONS LEAD TO OKAY?!"
"Didn't care when I asked, didn't care when I got a reply…" thought Kakashi taking another swig from the vial beneath his jacket. "Yeah, I better get good and drunk for this one cause it looks like both of them are coming along."
While Sakura took off to prepare for their mission, Kakashi and Naruto were left to wait at the gates.
Kakashi leaned against the wooden post of the gate in a dejected slump and stared without purpose at the stars through half-drooping eyelids.
"Oh look. A shooting star," thought Kakashi, "I learned to stop counting on those a loooong time ago," he sighed as he took a swig of his little flask.
"HEY KAKASHI," said Naruto.
Kakashi moved his head downward very slowly to set his unenthused gaze on Naruto.
"I CAN TOUCH MY TOUNGUE TO MY NOSE. BELIEVE IT."
Kakashi watched patiently and without resistance, swigging down his flask.
"Yeah…yeah…that's pretty good Naruto…you just…keep working on that……training."
"WOW KAKASHI I'M REALLY BORED HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN WAITING OUT HERE?"
"Five minutes."
"CAN YOU TEACH ME SOME REALLY COOL JUTSU? I KNOW WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH TIME UNTIL THE MISSION BUT I WANT TO LEARN IT SO BADLY I'M SURE I'LL BE ABLE TO MASTER IT THROUGH STRENGTH OF WILL! BELIEVE IT!"
"Yeah….sure Naruto. Uh…this one's called 'look over there jutsu'…"
"WOW COOL! TEACH ME IT! I KNOW I CAN LEARN IT BELIEVE IT! HOW DO I DO IT?"
"You turn around and look over there….forever."
"WOW COOL SENSEI! YOU'RE SO AWESOME AND FULL OF SURPRISES! I'M GONNA' MASTER THIS JUSTU! BELIEVE IT! THERE'S NO WAY I'M LETTING SASUKE BEAT ME!"
"ha…yeah…"
Naruto turned around and then just as quickly turned back around to face Kakashi.
"WHAT DO I DO AFTER I TURN AROUND? WOW IT SURE IS GETTING DARK NOW! I HOPE SAKURA SHOWS UP SOON! WHERE ARE WE GOING ANYWAY? ARE WE REALLY GONNA FIGHT THE AKATSUKI? I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW SASUKE JUST WHAT'S IN STORE FOR HIM WHEN HE FIGHTS ME AFTER I DEFEAT AN AKATSUKI MEMBER BELIEVE IT."
"Mangekyo Sharingan!" shouted Kakashi whose Naruto tolerance meter had finally reached its limit, the limit that had been gradually increasing throughout the years.
The entire landscape became doused in crimson like the sunset on the eve of the Apocalypse and everything began to slowly melt. It started with the trees, which trickled down the hills and slopes on the horizon in blood-colored buttery dribbles. They then pulled the hills and mountains with them, stretching, squishing, and bending the visible landscape into a single magma pool until nothing was left but a wash of red infinitely expanding in every direction with Naruto hovering, weightless in its medium.
Naruto continued to talk incessantly, however, now his voice was only an empty echo in the void of infinite space.
Kakashi gave a sigh of relief as he finally began to enjoy a few seconds of silence.
"KAKASHIIIIII!!!!!!!!!! I'M HEEEEEEEEEERE!" Sakura screamed as she bounded toward the gate, springing 10 feet into the air with each skip and pounding down into the earth like a pile driver when she landed, leaving a massive pot hole and sending seismic shivers throughout the entirety of Konoha.
Suddenly a rustling sound was heard from amongst the bushes so loud and discriminate it shattered the beautiful still of the twilight scenery like a vandalized window in the night and all heads of the party, including Naruto's, were turned in its direction, for even a bear moved with greater delicacy in its unconscious destructive blundering through the forest thicket.
"Who's there?" shouted Sakura.
"You better reveal yourself now or I'll pound the earth so hard with my fist a mountain will emerge where your hiding!"
"What is that heavenly voice?" said the mysterious figure to the prickled leaves that entombed him and scraped ticklishly on his face when his breath caused their disturbance. "I knew there were angels when you died but I imagined the scenery to be a little different. And who would've thought the gate to the afterlife was a bush? Well, then again…God took the form of a bush to talk to that guy in the desert. Oh no! What if I'm about to receive my final judgment? All those years I spent of my youth making money trimming hedges...I'm really gonna' get it now!"
Naruto, tired of waiting and against the wisdom of Kakashi, ran straight up to shrub and grabbed the man hiding inside, pulling him up by what felt like cloth and holding him up to his face.
"STOP IT! STOP IT! OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" He shrieked in high tenor while he flailed and thrashed without direction or intent, entirely devoid of logical purpose but composed entirely of raw emotion, enthusiasm, and panic as a turkey does after its head has been severed.
"WHY WERE YOU HIDING IN THE BUSHES ANYWAY?" said Naruto.
"I…uhhh..drrr…" the stranger responded. "Oh crap, this guy's too smart for me," he thought and then proceeded to blast out every content of his conscious mind: "I DON'T KNOW I JUST SORT OF WOKE UP HERE. I WAS PLEASANTLY ENJOYING MY LIFE IN MY VILLAGE AND THEN HEY THIS VILLAGE LOOKS A HECK OF A LOT LIKE IT BUT EVERYTHING SEEMS DIFFERENT IN A WAY. I CAN RECOGNIZE EVERYONE BUT THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT FROM BEFORE AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON AND I COULDN'T FIND MY FAMILY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO ON A PICNIC AND BARBEQUE. IS THIS THE AFTERLIFE? ARE YOU JESUS? I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE HEDGES I SWEAR! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
"Great…another genius," said Kakashi, his initial sense of curiosity and genuine amusement at the unexpected extinguished, its life as brief and singular as the flicker of a firefly among the stars.
Naruto then let go of the stranger, placing him down in front of them on the dirt road exiting Konoha. He was now completely visible in the moonlight. His hair was pure white and jutted forward in spikes around the top of his head so it appeared as though someone had permanently blown it forwards with a blow-dryer. Even within the world of anime, it appeared so ridiculous that if people were not familiar with him, they would find it near impossible to hold a conversation with him without being distracted by the preposterousness of the sharp, crystalline spikes framing his face and epitomizing in an ice cap formation on the top of his forehead.
However, this bizarre feature that would permanently emblaze a social stigma on any other individual was most likely his best feature. This was, of course, because it distracted an onlooker from the moronic, asynchronously directed gaze of his eyeballs, his lopsided facial features, and overstretched out mouth that constantly twitched at any moderately socially uncomfortable occasion, which, for him, seemed to be every minute social interaction or eye contact in general. Additionally, his hideousness was ever more worsened by the constant contortions and restlessness of his facial expression, which changed at every emotion or fleeting thought.
Wrapped around his waist was a giant pink ribbon, its ends meeting in a perky bow that cheerlead his every movement with a happy bounce. It seemed to hold up a relatively purposeless sash of light, daffodil yellow that curtained a pair of soft, pale green pants slightly resembling bloomers. His shirt was of the same color green and so tight it seemed plastered to his body, practically suffocating him along the chest and neck, where a thick, double layer covering of yellow ruffles ran along. Overall, his color scheme was both sickeningly pastel as well as indisputably cheerful in its portrait of springtime hues.
Sakura threw her head back and laughed. "You're not dead. But I can't really say how you got here…There's no way you could've' snuck past ANBU guards centered around town…It's funny you do look kinda' familiar," she said.
As she spoke, the stranger recognized the "angelic" voice of earlier which he had half-fallen in love with just hearing now attached to a face. In an instant his confusion and lack of direction was instantly replaced by calm assurance and a sense purpose defined by Sakura's silvery moonlit outline. A feeling of such irrepressible love and devotion swelled in his chest like a helium balloon leaving him to float in a divine, paradisiacal hypnosis. "W-What is your name?" he asked of Sakura.
"Sakura."
"Saa…kuraa…" he said slowly as to prolong the magic of the word, drool escaping from his mouth.
"EWWWWWWW! GROSS!" screamed Sakura. "Sensei, let's just leave him here and go!"
Kakashi snorted, waking from an intoxicated slumber. "What, what, what?" he said.
"NO! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME OUT HERE! I HATE BEING ALONE!" screamed the stranger.
"OF COURSE WE WON'T! YOU CAN COME WITH US! I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE ALL ALONE. YOU CAN FEEL SO SAD AND SO ANGRY. YOU FEED OFF THESE FEELINGS FOR POWER BUT WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE THERE TO PULL YOU OUT OF THAT DARKNESS AND RESCUE YOU FROM THAT LONELINESS. THESE PEOPLE, YOUR FRIENDS, ARE WHERE TRUE STRENGTH COMES FROM…" Naruto tried to continue but his throat began to swell with repressed tears, which escaped in very thin streams down his face as he clenched his fists up to the sky.
"Oh, on the contrary I don't feel sad or angry at all. I do feel a little confused about what's been happening to me, but overall, that's not all that different from how I feel most of time. I don't think I've ever been angry at someone for doing something to me. I don't like to blame people for things. But please don't leave me here!"
"ARE YOU KIDDING? WE'RE ALREADY FRIENDS! HOW COULD I LEAVE A FRIEND BEHIND? YOU'RE COMING WITH ME WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" said Naruto adjusting his headband, winking, and putting enough energy into his thumbs-up to kill someone.
"Best friends forever?"
"BELIEVE IT!"
The stranger and Naruto then sprung into the air simultaneously with one energetic leap of friendship, each with one fist raised above their heads and one knee raised to waist level.
"If the prep rally is over, can we have your name?" said Sakura.
"Oh yes of course! No secrets among friends! My name is Anti-Sasuke."
A gaping silence persisted for several seconds.
"WELL WE BETTER LEAVE NOW BEFORE WE WASTE ANY MORE TIME! YOU CAN TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR VILLAGE ON THE WAY!" said Naruto.
"Wow this is so great! I show up in some random place and already I made friends! Some one out there must be looking out for me."
The group then finally departed with Naruto and Anti-Sasuke walking side by side, deeply engaged in conversation.
"WOW YOU ARE THE COOLEST PERSON I EVER MET. YOU ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN THIS OTHER GUY WE HAD IN OUR GROUP."
"Well gosh thanks, but I don't think anyone is as cool as you Naruto…how come that guy isn't with your group now though?"
"OH MAN HE RAN AWAY FOR NO REASON. HE WAS ALWAYS SITTING AND HE WAS ALWAYS ANGRY OR SAD OR SOMETHING, WHINING ALL THE TIME SAYING 'I'M GONNA GET REVENGE ON ITACHI FOR KILLING THE UHIHA CLAN'."
"Why?"
"HIS BROTHER KILLED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY AND THE ENTIRE VILLAGE FOR PRACTICE AND THEN JOINED THE AKATSUKI. I MEAN SHUTUP ALREADY WHAT AN EMO!"
"Yeah! That's pretty emo. If my entire family was slaughtered I wouldn't go sulking and shit on everyone's day by not smiling!"
"YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I SAID! BELIEVE IT!"
By now it had already become morning. The dark hilly landscape awoke, spilling pools of sunlight into the scooping valleys, as it opened its eyes to the day. Streams of verdant forest stretched outward as more of the earth became illuminated by the heavy sun heaving to its welkin chamber. Thin white trees on the edge of the dirt path the group had been walking that night, were tinged with a soft, almost ethereal blue only detectable in the few minutes when there is an indefinable border between night and day.
Kakashi, however, would not have noticed any change in his environment because he had not taken his eye off a medium-sized, generic brown rock he had been kicking all the way from Konoha. When his group suddenly halted ahead of him, Kakashi finally looked up but did not immediately register the cessation of movement and continued to walk, stepping on his rock and crushing it down to be absorbed into the dirt path.
"Well, whadda' you know? It was a dirt clod all along…" he said staring at the voidance where the rock had once been and where now there was only a dirt path.
Kakashi then scanned the surroundings and finally caught sight of what had caused the disruption. A figure stood high on a rock about 100 feet in front of them. His facial features could not be distinguished and instead only a black silhouette that stood commanding in the foreground of sun. It seemed as though a god was standing before them, a blazing white intensity flickering around the edges of his shadow and blurring them so that he blended into sun itself, the power of nature being one with his own. His outline was indiscernible and unstable, never remaining long enough in one shape for one to be convinced of what they saw. A wiggling black line began to form as he slowly lifted his arm, pointing like an angel casting judgment on the last day of humanity and spoke:
"Come forward one who carries the biju within."
"WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE? I DON'T HAVE ANY REASON FOR GOING OVER THERE BUT YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME OVER HERE. YOU'RE IN NO POSITION TO ARGUE! BELIEVE IT!"
"Wow, I can't believe how easy it was to assess who was the holder of the biju. He meets his description to a T," thought Anti-Naruto. "I better not waste any time collecting the biju. I will perform my special attack." Anti-Naruto then leapt into the air with such speed it appeared to Kakashi's sharingan as though he were a mere image that had flashed before them, a fantasy manifested from the sun's glare.
"Sensei, what's happening?" shouted Sakura distressed.
"I-I-I-don't know. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I actually don't have any idea what's going on." For the first time in his entire life, and in all the S rank missions he had ventured on, Kakashi feared for his life.
"DON'T WORRY, THIS GUY'S GONNA BE TOAST! AND I ALWAYS LIKE MY TOASY EXTRA CRISPY!" shouted Naruto with completely believable confidence.
"SAY ANTI-SASUKE, WHAT ARE YOUR SPECIAL ATTACKS?!"
"What exactly do you mean by 'attacks'?" he replied.
"Whatever, you better not chicken out on us!" said Sakura.
"No way! Anti-Sasuke never runs away!" said Anti-Sasuke.
Before the reader moves onto the next page I would just like them to think about the previous statement.
Suddenly clouds of cinder began to coil around the sun, ascending from the horizon, writhing like black snakes. The luscious vegetation that glowed in the morning light previously became masked by a moonless night, darker than death. The smog clouds crept upward until they painted the entire firmament with gloom so that it hovered over and encompassed the world in a spherical doom impending implosion.
In the center of the masterpiece was Anti-Naruto, who floated in a hurricane's eye surrounding by rapid, swirling torrents of nimbus, which collided violently forming a mountainous topography in the clouds. Anti-Naruto then spun with their motion summoning his chakra and with the smallest flick of his finger drove the attack to its completion.
A massive nuclear crack was heard as if the sky had split in half and enormous electrical flashes of lightening struck repeatedly and unpredictably, stabbing the Earth like the Trident of God. Gaping, steaming holes of fire were left in their wake that hissed and spat when Nature choked ash back up.
A final pierce of fork lightening split the ground giving forth to an oven of flames beneath that Earth. The crack divided wider, tearing trees from their roots and leaving them to fall into the broiling underworld of churning lava, along with various rocks and leafy debris displaced by the expanding volcanic canyon. The Earth rattled with earthquakes and tributary cracks shot off bringing with them more spews of lava and fire.
Once it appeared as though the earthquakes had begun to subside, the blackened sky was peppered with reddish speckles. Just as soon each individual grain became a distinguishable meteor of massive size, hurtling into eyesight range within a mere fraction of a second and smashing the mass of the Earth away into space.
A light drizzle began to fall upon the earth. At first it seemed a soothing rainfall, lightly dousing the flames, but then the droplets began to grow larger, and fall heavier. They not only cooled the atmosphere and relieved the earth of fire, but splashed into the ground with an ever increasing speed and mass so that they tore away chunks of soil. The droplets swelled until they melted into one another, forming torrenting sheets of water that moved in criss-cross directions like curtains being drawn in the sky. A rushing roar resounded as a sea swell ripped through the foliage in the distance, vengefully seeking its target and expending the last of its life's energy in cresting to its summit and plummeting, drowning what lay under it in the depths of black oceanic expanse.
The water then began to churn, whirling and whirling faster in a vengeful tide pool like the black hole of the sea. Freshly broken tree limbs flew mercilessly downward into the center and under the water. The waves spun so fast that a roaring sound was heard and rocks in the path of the current were smashed to crumbs by the force of turning water. The black hole raged until every blade of grass had been uprooted and every worm had been torn from the ground. Hard encrusted sedimentary rock that had been buried under the Earth in an ancient bedrock layer since the beginning of time was jostled like a pile of pebbles. Hurricane upon hurricane swirled upward with the constancy of a park fountain.
Suddenly, the waters halted. A force equal in power pushed the swirling currents with such high pressure from the opposite direction that they ceased as instantaneously as a high school relationship. It was the wind. From every direction, North, South, East, West and even underground the wind moaned and screamed as if Hell itself were approaching. The screams grew louder until the wind clashed in the center blowing the water away like mere tissue paper and scraping the moisture saturated soil from the ground and flinging it in muddy clumps past the ionosphere.
After an unknowable period of time, the impossible occurred. The winds cooled to an even calm. The air became so stagnant that even taking a breath would prove difficult. A desolate, desert expanse stretched to the corners of the earth. Anti-Naruto gently descended with arms outstretched, legs crossed, and head lifted to the above. He touched the ground softly in the exact same place he had stood before. His soles filled his previous footprints so perfectly, not an atom of soil was displaced. Yes, Anti-Naruto is so supremely epic, that even his footprints can remain implastered while the rest of God's planet is wrought in devastation.
"How bout that weather we've been having?" said Anti-Sasuke.
"I missed……ya know?" said Anti-Naruto.
"You guys are standing in the only blind spot of my attack! I assumed you guys would try and runaway like everyone else! But instead you stood there…watching! I can't believe it ya know? Entire civilizations have been extirpated with this attack! Yet you managed to remain safe by watching your own destruction without even attempting to do anything and that same spot you stood in to watch happens to be the only blind spot of my attack! I overestimated you! I can't believe it!"
"AM I HOKAGE NOW?" Naruto screamed.
"He may have missed now, but someone of his caliber learns from mistakes. He's sure to not miss again! We're standing on our graves," Kakashi said.
"Actually I can't attack you again," said Anti-Naruto.
"W-w-what?! Why not? Are you going to let us free?" said Sakura.
"No, actually, uh…hehe. Uh…….ya see, I don't have any more chakra."
"SHADOW CLONE RASENGAN!" Naruto hurtled toward Anti-Naruto and in one blow erased him from existence.
Kakashi sighed and said "his power was too great for this world."
Fin