A Whole New Year of Doom
An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage
Part 1—It's Dinner Time!As I write this, I'm sitting in my dorm room surrounded by the sounds of my favorite Tenchi Muyô characters singing 'Yamerarenai Yamerarenai.' Yes, that's right. I'm back at skool. This is the last day I'll be able to use for writing, as my vacation time has come to an end once more. Because I have run out my time limit for writing the eight stories I had planned to present to you, I have unfortunately had to abbreviate this last one considerably. Please forgive me; there's no sense in hurrying and creating a full-length pile worthless junk when you can possibly take your time and do the best you can on a single piece of that junk (I am very humble, yes?). And so, I now give to you what was to be the final chapter of the Holiday Special of Festive Doom. I give to you my New Years' Eve tale.
The scene is house number 777, on the afternoon of December 31—New Years' Eve for those of you who are confused. Johnny is currently about to leave his home for a very important job, and is having an argument with a talking Bub's Burger Boy.
'Nny: For the last time, she doesn't control me!
Reverend Meat: I was simply pointing out the fact that you seem to do whatever she tells you to.
'Nny: And I'm pointing out the fact that she didn't tell me to do it! I told myself to do it!
Reverend Meat: Because you thought she'd like you to.
'Nny: Because I'd like to!
Reverend Meat: I only wish to protect you, my boy. The last thing that I want is for you to become a slave to someone besides yourself, you see. Though, based on what you're insisting, I have nothing to worry about—you remain only a servant of your own urges.
'Nny: This isn't an urge, Meat. That's the word you use for something your body tells you to do which you can't stop yourself from doing. This isn't a matter of the body, but of the mind. I thought that it'd be a nice thing to do, considering all she's done for me.
Reverend Meat: Be careful about doing things for others. Other people can be tricky and deceitful, as you should by now be aware. In the end, the only one who deserves your attention is yourself. I'm only thinking of you.
'Nny: I'll bet. But I reiterate--nothing but my mind was involved in this decision. And I could decide not to do it at any time. Still, I'd hate to know what thought process I'd have to go through to come to the decision that it's more fun to stay at home listening to you than it is to go out. And, with that, I bid you adieu.
He steps outside and goes down to the curb to get in his car. But back inside the house…
Reverend Meat: Soooo easily controlled. I just have to convince him that the things I want him to do are things I don't want him to do, and he does them! You can deny your humanity all you want, Johnny C., but I'll always be there to remind you…
Rev. Meat gives me the shivers. Am I the only one who feels this way? Outside, an idea has just occurred to Johnny.
'Nny: Hmmm, I wonder what Squee's doing to celebrate tonight…I'll go ask him if he wants to come to Missy's place with me.
He goes over to his neighbor Todd's bedroom window, and finds to his delight that his little friend is indeed at home.
'Nny: Hiya, Squee!
Squee (jumping five feet in the air): Yikes!
'Nny: Hey, sorry to surprise you. I was just wondering if you were doing anything this evening.
Squee: My parents went out to a party, but they left Shmee and me behind.
'Nny: Aw, that's sad. I'll bet you were looking forward to staying up all night too, huh?
Squee: I am staying up all night. Shmee says the monsters'll come for me if I fall asleep tonight.
'Nny: Well, I don't know about monsters, but I do know that it was not very considerate of your poor excuses for parents to leave you all by yourself for such a long time. That's no way for any kid to have to spend New Years' Eve. Now, I was just going over to my friend Missy's house—want to come with me?
Squee: Your friend? (he pictures a horrible, bloodthirsty demon) Noooo, no, I'll be fine right here.
'Nny: But supposing the monsters are real? Stranger things have happened…most of them to me. You'll be all alone in your house with no one to help you! And it's Monday, too! And you know what that means.
Squee (timidly): No…what?
'Nny (wide-eyed): Vampires are abroad!
Squee: Shmee says your friend is probably a vampire.
'Nny: Shmee doesn't know what he's talking about. Missy's the nicest person I know—and I'll bet her Mom made cookies.
Squee: Cookies? Well, I…(his stomach growls) I haven't eaten anything all day because Mommy forgot to make lunch for me.
'Nny: Then that settles it! Come on!
At this point, it's probably a good idea to check in with KidK, since she's supposed to be the main character here. So what's she doing?
KidK: Stupid, stupid skirt!
Mike-the-Brother: You can say that again!
KidK: Why do I hafta wear a skirt again, mother? I didn't last year.
KidK's Mom: But you look so nice in it, honey! Doesn't she, boys?
KidK's Dad (distracted by the football game): Oh, yeah, uh huh. Sure.
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah, it's nice…if you like skirts.
Zim (resentfully): I can see your knees.
KidK: See, I told you! I look stupid!
KidK's Mom: Zim, in what way is this different from when KidK wore shorts all summer?
Zim: It just makes me…nervous when she wears a skirt. Last time she did I got severely injured.
Gir: I like your outfit, Missy!
KidK: Really, Gir?
Gir: Yeah! Blue is pretty!
KidK: Oh, well, that's OK then.
KidK's Dad: I'll tell you what's not OK. What's not OK is that we're not leaving until 4:30 this year. You know there'll be a huge line by the time we get there now!
KidK's Mom: But, honey, you know no one else eats that early in the afternoon. We don't want Dib and Gaz to mess up their schedules because our routine is so strange.
KidK's Dad: Schedules? They're kids!
KidK's Mom: Nevertheless…and I also told the babysitter to be here at 4:30 too, and we don't have a phone number to tell him to come sooner.
KidK's Dad: Who'd you get, anyway?
KidK's Mom: Well, his name's Johnny, and he's Missy's friend.
KidK's Dad: You mean the comic strip guy? Why'd you ask him?
And now it's time for a flashback to a few days ago! KidK and her Mom are standing in KidK's room discussing a very important matter:
KidK's Mom: I just called the restaurant.
KidK: And?
KidK's Mom: It's true that they won't let pets in. And when I explained that Gir's not really a pet, per se, they said no robots either.
KidK: What horrible snobs!
KidK's Mom: Yes, but it doesn't do any good to complain now. The problem is who we're going to hire to watch Gir while we're gone.
KidK: We're gonna go off and leave him all alone?!
KidK's Mom: No. That's what I meant by 'hiring someone to watch him.' Who knows what trouble he'd make if he were left alone.
KidK: But who can we ask on such short notice? I mean, it's not like you've hired a babysitter anytime recently.
KidK's Mom: I know…and who'd be willing to give up even a few hours of one of the biggest party nights of the year?
'Nny: I'll do it.
KidK's Mom looks over at the window, to see the upside-down face of 'that guy with the squirrel problem' grinning hopefully at her from atop the roof. This comes as quite a shock.
KidK's Mom: Oh my god! What is that boy doing out there?! Be careful!
KidK: 'Nny? Mom, it's okay—he does that all the time.
'Nny: I didn't mean to startle you, Mrs. Missy's Mother, but I couldn't help but overhear that you need a babysitter for Monday night.
KidK's Mom: Yes…you overheard…why are you on my roof?
'Nny: Just visiting your daughter, ma'am.
KidK's Mom: Oh…okay…but why would you want to babysit Gir?
'Nny: Hey, what else have I got to do that night? Not as though I'm Mister Popular and got invited to all the parties, right? I'd be glad to help you out.
KidK's Mom: But…I don't know you very well.
'Nny: Would you know anyone from a service very well?
KidK: He's got a point, Mom. You sure you don't mind, 'Nny-kun?
'Nny: Of course not. I like Gir. He's got no brain, but at least he doesn't use that as an excuse to write poetry.
KidK's Mom (whisper): Missy, can we trust this guy?
KidK: I'd trust him with my life, Mom.
KidK's Mom: Oh. Well, then, I suppose you're hired, Mister 'Nny.
Flash back forward now!
KidK's Mom: And that's why.
KidK's Dad: Well, I suppose he's nice enough…
Zim: Are you insane?! You'd let a crazed maniac like that spend hours practically alone in your house?!
Mike-the-Brother: Why not? They let you sleep over.
Zim: That's different! I just want to doom the entire human race—excepting of course those parts of it which happen to be in the room at the moment. This guy's nuts!
Mike-the-Brother: I rest my case.
There is a knock at the door.
Gir (at the top of his lungs): I'll get it! (he runs down the stairs and opens the door) Hiiiiii, Johnny! You here to sit on me?!
'Nny: ………….no.
Gir: Aw, man! But Mommy said you were the sitter!
'Nny: I rather think she meant I'll sit with you.
Gir: Oh! That's good too! Oooooo, look! Hello, kid!
KidK's Dad: 'Kid?' What do you mean, 'kid?'
Gir: The cute little kid hiding behind the mailbox!
KidK's Dad: Johnny, why is there a kid hiding behind our mailbox?
'Nny: Oh, that's my little friend.
KidK's Dad: And why is he here?
'Nny: His parents left him all alone to go to some kind of party. Not that that's anything unusual, since they're always mistreating the poor kid, but I couldn't just leave him there on a holiday. I hope you don't mind that I brought him with me.
KidK's Mom: Awww, that's so sad! Of course we don't mind that you brought him over. What kind of a person abandons their child like that? You come on in, sweetie. No need to be scared.
Squee: There's not? (thinking) These people don't seem too dangerous. But I haven't seen the crazy neighbor man's friend yet.
KidK (running down the stairs): 'Nny-kun! It's so awesome of you to do this for us.
'Nny: It's nothing, really. But you need to meet my friend Squee. Squee, this is Missy.
KidK: Hi! Squee, was it? Or is that a nickname?
Squee (very tiny voice): S'not my name. But everyone calls me that. My name's Todd.
KidK: Well, it's good to meet you, Todd. I hope you like our house. You can do anything you want so long as nothing gets broken—not that you'd break things, right? You're cute.
Squee (thinking): Wow, she's nice! And she doesn't have tentacles or anything! Maybe this won't be so bad after all…oh no! An alien! *squeee…*
Zim: Fine, fine, that's very sweet. Can we go now?
KidK's Dad: Yeah, can we?
KidK's Mom: I suppose. (they start down the stairs to the car) Now, all the emergency numbers are on the refrigerator, and all the first-aid stuff is in the bathroom. You guys can eat whatever you want--just don't make a mess. Johnny, try not to let Gir get too out of hand.
'Nny: Will do, Mrs. Missy's Mother.
Squee: Wait…they're all going out?
'Nny: Yup, and they're letting me watch Gir. Isn't that nice? So now you don't have to be alone—you can play with Gir!
Gir: Yeah! We'll have so much fuuuuuun! Wheeheeheeheeheeeeee!
Squee: Uh oh. Suddenly this doesn't seem like such a good place to be.
KidK: Bye bye, guys! Have fun! Thanks again, 'Nny-kun! Come on, Zim.
KidK and Zim exit the house to go down to KidK's car. On the way out, Zim gives 'Nny an evil glare.
'Nny (waving): See ya later, Missy! So, guys, what shall we do?
Gir: Let's play tag! (he pokes Squee) You're it!
Squee: *gulp* You're scary, creepy-dog-thing…
Gir: Awww, thanks! (he grabs Squee in a hug)
Squee: Eeeeek! It's gonna eat me!
'Nny: Ah, children…
Time to pick up Dib and Gaz! Yay!
Zim: Are you sure we have to bring the Dib along?
KidK: Yes! New Years' Eve is a very special night, and you're supposed to spend it with people you love!
Zim: Yes, you said that before. But--and I believe I said this before--I don't love Dib. Or Mike. Or that horrendous Johnny person.
KidK: …I knew it!
Zim: Knew what?
KidK: You didn't include me in your 'people-I-hate' list!
Zim: I don't hate you, stupid. I am merely annoyed by you.
KidK: Mmmmhmm. I love you too, Zimmy. Just try not to make a scene at the restaurant.
Zim: Why would you think I would make a scene?
KidK: There have been precedents…
Zim: I have no idea what you're talking about.
KidK: I'm sure you don't. (she pulls the car over outside the Membrane house) Hi, guys!
Gaz (engrossed in a game): Hey.
Dib: Hi, KidK! Hello, Zim.
Zim: Hello, Dib-monkey. You'll notice that I am in the front seat this evening.
Dib: Fine. Now I can kick you in the back when you least suspect it!
Gaz: If you guys screw up my game of Kirby's Tilt 'n Tumble with your stupid pushing and shoving…
KidK: What a nice day this is…
After a half-hour of madness, both cars miraculously make it to the restaurant. This place, called simply The Pub, is the site of KidK's family's annual New Years' Eve dinner. This tradition started before KidK was even born, and her Dad even proposed to her Mom there! ^.^ It's like a medieval castle inside, complete with coats of arms, suits of armor, and of course…
Zim: Why has that beast got its head stuck through the wall? I didn't know moose exhibited such ridiculous behavior.
KidK: I think it's a good thing Gir isn't here, because—and I hate to tell you this—that moose is dead.
Zim: So…when a moose dies you humans shove its head through a wall. Why am I less than shocked?
KidK: No, when a stupid human kills a moose they chop off its head, stick it on a piece of wood, and hang it on the wall. It's called a trophy…as if killing a moose is a victory of some kind.
Dib: Hey, Zim, when I capture you and turn you over to the authorities, maybe the scientists'll let me have your head for my wall!
Zim: Or maybe I can send your head back home as a specimen of the abject stupidity to be found on this planet!
KidK's Mom: Now, children, no one's mounting anyone's head. This is supposed to be a night of celebration.
Dib: Defeating Zim is something to celebrate.
Gaz: Shut up, Dib. Hey, is that…
Mike-the-Brother: The Ms. Pac-man machine! Mom, can we play?
Gaz: Mike, don't ask your Mom! Just do it!
Mike-the-Brother (lamely): But she's got all the money…
Gaz: Then I win by forfeit!
KidK's Dad: Well, guys, I just asked, and it's gonna be a half-hour wait.
Gaz: Sweet!
They all look at her oddly.
Gaz (by way of explanation): More time to play.
Mike-the-Brother: More time to beat you! Mom, I need quarters!
KidK's Mom: I only have four…
Gaz: More than enough!
They run off to the ancient Ms. Pac-man machine. Meanwhile, what will the others do?
KidK: I've never had to wait here before! It's an adventure!
Dib: It's 5:00. Why is there already a line?
KidK: Because this is a very popular place for New Years' Eve dinners, I think. Normally we get here even earlier.
Dib: Earlier than 5:00?
KidK: Yeah…the point is that we don't have to wait. We don't eat lunch, and then we have this really early dinner, and then we snack throughout the night. I think my Mom made Rice-Krispy Treats.
Zim: You don't mean…those sticky sweet things Gir just can't get enough of?
KidK: Well, that describes many things. But these are the ones made with cereal and marshmallows.
Zim: …ugh…the horror…
Dib: What's wrong with Rice-Krispy Treats, Zim? Are they your secret weakness? Do you have a marshmallow allergy? Tell me so I can use them to defeat you!
Zim: No…KidK's Mom made them for that other gruesome human holiday we just had…
Dib: You mean Christmas?
KidK: Yes. Somebody named Mike told Zim that it's a human tradition to stuff our bodies full of Rice-Krispy Treats, and there was…an incident…
Flash back to Christmas Eve! KidK's Mom is desperately trying to get all the presents in order under the tree, while her Dad wants nothing more than to peacefully play Madden Football. Gir, who is sharing a bed with KidK tonight (awww…) has forced the two kids of the house to go to sleep, 'so Santy-Claws can come.' However, everyone's plans for the night are being severely disrupted by…
Zim (running around out of control): Anyone need any help?! Anyone?! I can help if you want! I have superpowers, you know! Powers beyond the comprehension of any puny human stink-beast!
KidK's Dad: Can you implement your super shutting-up power?
Zim: Watch as I conquer this pathetic tree-monster! (he karate chops the Christmas tree) Hoo-ha!
KidK's Mom: Watch out! You're knocking off the ornaments!
Zim: Precisely! That is what gives the fiend its power! (he looks around, full of glee) I want a job! Lookee what I can do! (he uses his spider-legs to rise above the tree, then plants an Irken flag atop the highest branches) Mwahahahahaaaaaaaa! I have conquered you in the names of the Almighty Tallest without even using a stepladder!
KidK's Mom: Zim! Stop quoting 'Rudolph' and get down from there!
Zim: But…but the bees! Fear not, citizen, for I shall save you! (he leaps on KidK's Dad and starts swatting imaGinary bees)
KidK's Dad: Cut it out!
Zim: I'm gonna sing the Bee Song now—buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz!
Mike-the-Brother (yelling from his room): Zim! Some of us are trying to sleep!
Zim: But if you sleep, the Santy-Claws will show up! Don't don't don't fall asleep! It'll get us all! Yiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
He runs around in circles screeching incoherently as the flashback ends and we're back in the present.
Dib: Wahahahaha!
Zim: How was I supposed to know that your filthy human sugar would have such an effect?
KidK: But it was really cute when you crashed around four in the morning and crawled into bed with Gir and me.
Zim: Don't you ever mention that to me again.
Dib: That…is so…embarrassing! Some Invader, reduced to screaming nothing by Rice-Krispy Treats!
KidK: I think anyone would be reduced to screaming nothing by dozens and dozens of Rice-Krispy Treats consumed all at once. Speaking of which…I'd better make sure 'Nny keeps Gir away from our supply.
Dib: Gir is hyper anyway.
KidK: Yes…so imagine him on Rice-Krispy Treats.
Zim: My slave-robot is too advanced to be susceptible to such things!
KidK: Nevertheless…Mom, can I have your cell phone? I left mine at home with 'Nny so's we wouldn't have to waste our minutes.
KidK's Mom: Sure, honey.
KidK dials the phone and it starts ringing. You know those neat TV sequences with the split-screen that happen when people are on the phone? Imagine that!
'Nny: Hello?
KidK: Yo, 'Nny-kun. What's up?
'Nny: Nothing much.
KidK: Has Gir been giving you any trouble?
'Nny: Nah. He's been keeping himself busy…but nothing's been destroyed.
KidK: Where's Todd?
'Nny: Right here. Gir's tired himself out a little, and I got Squee to come out from under your brother's bed so we could watch a movie. Was it OK to get one out of the giant Tupperware box in your room?
KidK: You're watching anime?
'Nny: Yes. You're always telling me about these subtitled cartoons you watch, so I thought it'd be fun to try one. It's disconcerting how Gir seems to understand all the words without reading the subtitles…he's yelling in Japanese at the characters.
KidK: He does do that, yes. So, what movie is it?
'Nny: You know, I don't know. I can't read the box, obviously.
KidK: Well, what's going on?
'Nny: Well, just now a group of inexplicably naked girls are twirling around amidst multicolored sparkles and some rather good disco music. Oh, they've got new clothes now. Not much of an improvement.
KidK: Ah. A Sailor Moon movie.
'Nny: And now they're shooting fire and lightning at a flower.
KidK: That'd be Sailor Moon R, then. Don't dismiss it right away—it's actually quite good.
'Nny: Well, the kids seem to like it, anyway.
Gir (off in the background): Supreeeeeme Thundaaaaaaaaa!
Squee (likewise): Oh geez! It's climbing the walls!
KidK: Anyway, the other reason I called—other than to make sure you guys are OK—was to tell you to make sure Gir doesn't eat all the Rice-Krispy Treats Mom made.
'Nny: You have Rice-Krispy Treats? Last time I tried to make those, I didn't have any butter. That was a sad, sad day. (a/n: see JtHM #6)
KidK: Aw, I'm sorry. When we come home we can all have some. It's just probably not a good idea to let Gir know about them.
'Nny: Yes, I hate to imagine what'd happen then. So, are you all having fun?
KidK: We're waiting for a table to open up. Not really fun, really, though Mike and Gaz seem to be having a good time with the Ms. Pac-Man machine.
Maitre 'D: Missy, party of seven?
KidK: Oh, there's our table. Gotta go!
'Nny: Byebye! (end splitscreen thingy)
KidK: Mother, why in the world did you put our party name in as 'Missy?'
KidK's Mom: I figured no one else would use it.
KidK: You kill me, you really do.
Zim: No, but someday the Johnny human probably will.
Mike-the-Brother: I can't come now, Mom! I've got six lives left and I've only got one more level to beat to defeat Gaz's record!
KidK's Mom: I guess you don't have to eat, then.
Mike-the-Brother: *sigh* Coming, Mom.
Gaz: Heh. So close, and yet so far away…
The party assembles to be seated, and the waitress leads them to one of the huge round tables reserved for big groups. The neat thing about this arrangement is that these tables are closer to the salad bar.
Waitress Melanie: I'm Melanie and I'll be your server this evening. Can I start anyone off with a drink? Wine, perhaps?
KidK's Mom: Want to spring for white wine this time?
KidK's Dad: Just so long as the kids don't decide they want to try it.
Mike-the-Brother: Ewwww, that stuff is nasty! (no underage drinking, kiddies)
KidK's Mom: Then that'll be two glasses of white wine and two diet colas for us.
Dib: Regular for me.
Zim: And I as well.
Gaz: Do you have orange?
Waitress Melanie: Sure!
Gaz: Then that's what I want.
KidK: I didn't have any idea they had orange here! I want some too.
Mike-the-Brother: Milk, please. Thank you. (Mike is very polite to restaurant staff, and does not drink soda)
Waitress Melanie: OK! I'll be right back with your order.
KidK: Now…what to pick to eat?
Dib: Looks like steak is their main thing.
KidK's Dad: I like the seafood.
Mike-the-Brother: Mom, what's the difference between filet mignon and sirloin?
Zim: And what in the world is a porterhouse?
KidK's Mom: Oh, suddenly I'm the expert on steak? Mike, I told you about this last year. And the year before that.
Zim: You didn't tell me.
KidK's Mom: I suppose you're right. Well…
Do you really want to hear about what the different cuts of steak are? It's pretty boring. It's just that it's kind of an informal tradition that Mike and I can't remember them from year to year. Why not check in on 'Nny, Gir, and Squee? The movie, being short, should be almost over by now.
Fioreail (in rough translation, of course): Mamoru-kun, this is my promise. It's a flower of life, and contains most of my energy. Please give the nectar to Sailor Moon…(Mamoru actually kisses the magic flower and then kisses his gal Usagi, who wakes up from death-mode)
Sailor Moon: I…told you…I'd protect you all…let's go back home now…together. (everyone is ecstatic and 'Moon Revenge' starts playing over the credits)
'Nny: That…*sniff*…that was so beautiful…. She saved them all from loneliness… (he looks around at the empty livingroom) Hey, where'd you go? Gir? Squeegee? Are you hiding?
Gir (behind the chair): *giggle* Noooooo…
'Nny: You're going to jump out and yell 'boo' at me, aren't you?
Gir (jumping out): Drop a chicken!
'Nny (unmoved): Well, at least you're original.
Gir: No, I'm Extra Crispy!
'Nny (raising an eyebrow): …good? Now, where's Squee?
Gir: Who?
'Nny: Squee.
Gir: Whozat?
'Nny: The kid who was just here a second ago.
Gir: Oh, him? He went to Missy's room.
Squee (from off in the distance): Oh man! Please don't kill me, Mister!
Ominous Voice: Just keep quiet, kid! I'm just here for money…and stuff, if it'll fit out the window.
'Nny (not all that worried): Uh oh. Looks like Missy's house has been targeted for a holiday burglary…(he looks down at Gir) I think we should do something about this, don't you?
Gir: Ooooo, a new friend for Mister Perkins!
'Nny: Now just do what I say and everything will be OK, alright Gir?
Gir: Can I make toaster streudel?
'Nny: Not just yet. Come on, I don't think he realizes there's anyone else at home.
He calmly strides down the hallway from the livingroom to KidK's room, Gir happily skipping along behind him. Inside the room, a typical punk teenager in really grungy clothes and a ski mask is systematically going through KidK's belongings, while Squee huddles with Shmee under the desk in the corner. (a/n: There should probably be swearing in this scene, but I'm not technically allowed to use profanity in any way, and I have a very guilty conscience)
Burglar Guy: Heheh, may as well take the whole jewelry box—some of this stuff is bound to be worth something. Cripes! Where does this chick keep her money, in a safe? You know anything about that, kid?
Squee: *squee*
Burglar Guy: What was that?
Squee (really super scared): I don't live here…I don't know…
Burglar Guy: It doesn't really matter, I guess. Probably just a stupid broke chick anyway. You stay right where you are, kid. I'm going to the next room over.
He turns to continue his pillaging elsewhere, and is startled to discover that the house is not as empty as he'd previously believed.
'Nny (leaning against the doorframe): Hello, flaw.
Burglar Guy: Whaaaat?! What is this? Who are you?
'Nny: I really don't think you're in a position to be asking me questions, as you are, in fact, the one who is trespassing here. (looking down at Gir) Gir, can you do something for me?
Gir: Suuuuuure, Johnny-man!
'Nny: Can you please take Squeegee to your Master's lab downstairs and stay there until I come get you?
Gir: Can we make brainfreezys?
'Nny: Yes. Do whatever you want as long as you don't break anything. (to himself) Ay, how can I even begin to hope that he's not going to destroy things…?
Gir: Yay! 'Freezy for me and Squeezy! (he races past the Burglar Guy, hoists the petrified Squee over his head, and runs out of the room)
'Nny: Ah, alone at last.
Burglar Guy: Hey, don't you try anything funny, Mister! (he pulls a knife out of his boot and brandishes it) You just stay right there, and I'll just go out the way I came in.
'Nny: Through the window? The…open window…Missy's open window…the one she always leaves open for…me…(he looks slightly dazed for a moment)
Burglar Guy: Yeah, the window. Don't move! (he starts backing away toward the window)
'Nny (snapping out of it): No! Get away from that window! How dare you take advantage of a girl's innocence?! You've violated her room and ruined its perfection with your oily presence! And on a holiday of all nights--taking advantage of her joyful time for your own gain! And it's all my fault!
Burglar Guy: What're you raving about, you skinny loser?
'Nny (menacingly): You've messed with Missy's happiness. And though I may be the one to blame in the greater scheme of things, there's still something I can do to right this filthy wrong. (he advances on the burglar)
Burglar Guy (clutching his knife): Come on, man! I don't wanna hafta hurt anyone, really!
'Nny: But you already have. (he darts forward, lightning-fast, grabbing the man's knife hand in a painful grip, and takes a second to examine the weapon) Hmmmm…just your average kitchen knife…great for slicing cakes! Not very useful here, though, I'm afraid. Now, I could show you what a real knife looks like, but I'm still trying to preserve some of the sanctity of this room, you see.
Burglar Guy (nervous now): That's right, that's right, don't hurt me! You wouldn't want to get blood on the nice carpet, would you? Ahahaha…
'Nny: No…
Burglar Guy: OK! Ahahaha! No problem, then!
'Nny (smiling ironically): …I'll just have to take you somewhere else first.
Burglar Guy: Huh?
The stupid, stupid Burglar Guy's eyes suddenly roll back in his head as he loses consciousness, crumpling around the balled fist that has suddenly shot forward into his kidneys. (a/n: people with thin hands have sharp knuckles ^_~)
'Nny (retracting his hand): Ihhh, I wonder when he last washed this shirt, if ever. (he regards the prone body lying on the floor) Now, what to do with you? Probably not a good idea to risk getting anything dirty in here…I have a feeling that Missy's mother is scary when she's angry. And I doubt they've got the proper kind of educational equipment here anyway. So, best to just put you in the car. Well, you wanted to go out the window anyway, right?
While our homicidal friend ponders how to deal with this latest annoyance, let's find out what kind of annoyances our other characters are having to endure!
Waitress Melanie: …and you all get the complimentary salad bar with your entrees, so please help yourself whenever you're ready. (she scurries off to the kitchen)
KidK's Mom: So, shall we go?
Dib: Wow, free salad bar? Most places make you pay! We should really pick this place for next Family Night Out, eh Gaz?
Gaz (suffering from Game-Boy withdrawal): Yeah, wow, salad bar. Fascinating.
Mike-the-Brother: I'm gonna make a real salad this year!
Zim: This isn't anything like the salad bar at that horrible…Wendy's place, is it?
KidK: No way! See, here the plates are shaped like leaves. (she proffers one of the leaf-shaped salad plates) Here ya go, Zimmy!
Zim: Thank you. Hey, watch it, human scum!
Snooty Lady: Hmf.
Mike-the-Brother: Did we just get cut in front of again?
Dib: You know, you get kicked out of Great Adventure for cutting in line. (I gave Dib a classic me-quote! Yippee!)
KidK's Dad: Yeah, well, they don't do it like that here. Just get your salad.
KidK: These people don't deserve our anger. They think they're better than us just because most of them are rich.
Zim: KidK, what is this…stuff?
KidK: Eez chick peez…don't eat 'em, they're icky.
Zim: Hmmm, chick peas…because they come from chickens or because braindead human females enjoy them?
KidK: Actually, I have no idea why they call them that. Mom?
KidK's Mom: I suppose I'm also the expert on legumes. But, no, I don't know why they're chick peas.
Snooty Lady: Move you hand, young man! Some of us want to eat sometime soon.
Dib: Hey, I was only trying to get some dressing. Sheesh!
Snooty Lady: Where are your parents, little boy? Certainly not keeping a good eye on you. Obviously you've never learned anything about manners.
KidK: Hey, now, listen—you can't talk to him like that.
Snooty Lady: Hmf. Children should be seen and not heard. And preferably not seen, either.
KidK: No, I mean it. Don't talk to my friend that way. You think you're so chic in your fur, don't you? Only the blatant stupid pride of the rich could be responsible for your flaunting of dead animal pelts. And anyway, you cut in front of us! So I suggest you stop your complaining and mindless insults before some of this Russian dressing accidentally gets on your pet rat coat.
Snooty Lady: Hmf. My husband shall hear of this. (she storms away)
KidK's Dad: Good one!
Dib: Hey, thanks for getting her off my case.
KidK: No prob, Dibby. I suppose the time I've spent with Johnny has paid off, because I'm getting a lot better with these rants.
Zim: Huh. He's dangerous, you know.
KidK: Not to me!
Zim: Not yet.
KidK: Just get your salad.
Gaz: They're out of tomatoes? How can they be out of tomatoes?!
KidK: Uh ohhhhh…
While KidK and her pals enjoy lovely salads, we should check in on the guys back at the house, shouldn't we? After all, salad really isn't all that interesting. After depositing a suspiciously large trash bag in his car and cleaning up the mess in KidK's room as best he can, 'Nny takes the elevator down to Zim's lab, which can now hardly be called 'secret.'
'Nny: Oh please oh please don't let him have blown up the whole place…that's all I need right now.
He steps out of the elevator to find, not a chaotic mess as expected, but Gir and Squee quietly playing a board game on the shiny tiled floor.
Gir (waving): Hiiiiii, Johnny!
'Nny (blinking in surprise): Huh? I sent you down here all by yourselves and you didn't ruin anything?
Gir: We're playin' Bonkers! (a game everyone should play at least once in their lives) Your turn, Squeezy!
Squee (rolling the dice): Yeah! Double sixes! This game is fun, Gir.
Gir: Yay! Squeezy's happy! (he gleefully tosses piles of cardboard game pieces into the air)
'Nny: Well, imagine that. You guys just finish your game, and I'll go see what kind of food Missy's got in her refrigerator.
Gir: Okie dokie! I wanna eat lasagna!
'Nny: Well, I was thinking more along the lines of microwave dinners, but I'll see what I can do. (he goes back upstairs)
Squee: Anything's better than cold pizza. That's what I'd have to eat at home, cuz I'm not allowed to use the microwave.
Gir: You have cold pizza?! Luckyyyyyyyy! Hey, it's my turn now! Look, I got five! (he moves his piece) One, two, three, four, five…now I play my card! Ummmmm…which one? They're all so pretty!
Squee: Well, you've got a 'Go to Start,' and that means you score, so…
Gir (slamming down the card): I score! In yaw face! (he jumps up and does a victory dance)
Squee: *giggle* You're so funny…
Gir: Woo! I'm jammin'! (he continues dancing wildly around the lab)
Squee: Hey, be careful! (crash sound effect) Uh oh…you broke it…
Gir (not all that upset): Aw, man! Let's explode now!
Squee (eyes wide): …explode? Shmee says that's not so smart.
Gir: Ooooo, can I talk to Shmee? Heehee, cutie bear-man!
Squee: Nooo…Shmee, it's not good to hit friends with a hammer.
Gir (advancing on Squee): I'm gonna tickle yooooooou….
Squee: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Gir chases the terrified Squee around the lab, laughing insanely all the way. Into this formerly-tranquil-but-now-random scene steps Johnny C.
'Nny (somewhat relieved): Oh, now, this is more like it. I was worried you were broken or something, Gir. So, you guys want to help me with dinner? There's actually stuff for lasagna…(he realizes he's being ignored) Hey!
Gir: Tickle prickle stickle fickle! Gonna getcha!
Squee: Nooooooooooo!
'Nny: Um, guys?
Gir: Whee! (crash)
Squee: Don't eat me, Gir!
Gir: Yummy Squeezy 'freezy!
Squee: Yieeeeeee! (another crash)
'Nny: Cut that out!
Squee comes to a halt, and Gir slams into him from behind.
Gir: What's up, Johnny-man?
'Nny (angry): Why did I think you could be left alone? Why did I ever believe I could trust you not to destroy things?! Now Zim's gonna be mad, and that'll make Missy mad, and that's the last thing I want! Now, what've you got to say for yourselves?
Squee: I'm sorry….
Gir: Me too…I'm sorry Johnneeeeee! (he starts crying hysterically)
'Nny (softening): Hey, now, don't cry. That kid was probably just going to use the stuff you broke for evil anyway.
Squee: So you're not mad?
'Nny: Nah. No point in it. Just another unnecessary emotion I can do without. So, shall we commence on our cooking adventure?
Gir: Yay!
Hmmmm…'Nny, Squee, Gir, and lasagna preparation…maybe it'll all turn out all right in the end. Maybe. At just that moment, over at The Pub, dinner is being served!
Waitress Melanie: Okay, who's got the seafood sampler?
KidK's Dad: Right here.
Waitress Melanie: Prime rib?
KidK's Mom: One for me, and one for my son.
Mike-the-Brother: Steak-meat! Yum!
Waitress Melanie: Annnnd…chicken parm?
KidK: That's me!
Mike-the-Brother: You're chicken parm?
KidK: Shut up.
Waitress Melanie: How about popcorn shrimp?
Gaz: That's mine.
Mike-the-Brother: Hey, why'd you get that, Gaz?
Gaz: Because it doesn't require cutting, so I can always keep at least one hand at the controls.
Mike-the-Brother: Aw, man! How come she gets to play at the table?
KidK's Mom: She's not our kid.
Waitress Melanie: And lastly, two lobster platters.
Zim and Dib: Mine!
Waitress Melanie plunks down two plates upon which are two entire lobsters, fresh from the pot.
Zim (horrified): What is this?! Is this some kindofa joke?! I cannot eat this armor-beast, serving human! It's…looking at me!
Dib: Ha! I knew you wouldn't know how to eat a lobster! An alien wouldn't, of course.
KidK: I don't know how to eat a lobster.
Mike-the-Brother: Me either.
Gaz: I wouldn't want to.
Zim: So there, Dib-monkey.
Dib: You're still stuck with a lobster on your plate, Zim.
Zim: Yessssss…and I shall conquer it with my little forky thingy…of doooom! Wahahahahaaaaaaaa! (he notices everyone in the restaurant is staring) Ahahaha…
And so the battle between Zim and the lobster begins. While the others happily enjoy their dinners, the little Irken tries desperately to break the shell of the red crustacean.
Zim (furiously stabbing with his fork): Die, you stupid thing, die!
Dib (chewing his own vanquished lobster): This is just sad.
Gaz: Hey! You elbow me like that again, Zim, and you'll share the same boiling fate as the lobster!
Mike-the-Brother: Mom, are you gonna eat your giant onion ring? (made with a whole onion!)
KidK's Mom: No.
KidK: Anyone want a bite of my chicken? It's got cheeeeese…
KidK's Dad: I'll take some. You want some calamari?
KidK: Not the kind with the tentacles. The ring-shaped kind is good. (yes, I enjoy squid. I'm weird, I admit it)
Dib: Hey, as long as we're trading food, who wants lobster? It's really good! Want some…Zim?
Zim: I don't need your stupid food, Dib! The beast has almost been subdued! (he manages to rip one of the lobster's claws off) A-ha! Not so confident without your pinchy things, are you?
KidK's Mom: Honey?
KidK's Dad: Yes?
KidK's Mom: Can you please help him?
KidK's Dad: Does he want help?
Zim: No. I am perfectly capable of consuming the red shell-creature on my own, thank you.
KidK's Mom: That's all well and good, Zim, but everyone else is already half done and I've got dessert waiting at home for all of us.
Zim: Is this dessert…one of you special desserts?
KidK's Mom: Yes.
KidK: Hee…(singsong) I know what it iiiiiiis!
Mike-the-Brother: Duh, so do I.
Zim: Sooooo…something any sane person would want to hurry up for?
Dib: Who said you're sane?
Zim: This from a member of the species that invented the concept of eating horrible bug-creatures with…little…squiggly…bits.
KidK's Dad: Oh, for crying out loud. Just gimme the lobster!
Zim: No, no, I don't think I'll be eating any of this lobster-monster after all, in light of these new developments.
KidK's Dad: 'Developments?'
Zim: The secret special dessert.
KidK's Dad: Ah. Hey, I'm not paying for you to come here and not eat!
KidK: That's right, Dad, you're not. Remember? I am.
Dib: What do you mean, KidK?
KidK: Well, if you'd noticed, this is technically a place for rich folk. We're just invading it for the evening. Normally, there's just the four of us, but I struck a deal with Dad to let you guys come along too! He pays for his usual four, and I pay for you, Gaz, and Zim.
Dib: …gosh. If I'd known that, I wouldn't've ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.
KidK (brightly): I know! That's why I didn't tell you! ^_^
Dib: But now I feel kinda bad about it, especially since I tricked Zim into ordering lobster too.
Zim: You didn't trick me, Dib-monkey! I knew of your scheme all along! And when you are too full of disgusting animal bits to enjoy KidK's Mom's wonderful dessert, I'll be on my third serving!
Dib: But…
Gaz: Dib, don't question it, or the horrible sound of your voice might make her change her mind.
KidK: Oh, I'd never ever do that! But hurry up, OK, so we can go home and have some real fun!
And, back at home, real fun is being had. Hee, KidK's Mom is gonna go supernova…
'Nny: OK, that looks about right…now we've just gotta put it in the oven.
Gir: Can I do it?
'Nny: Can you reach?
Gir: Yes!
'Nny: You know, I don't think that's such a good idea in any case. I'd better do it. (he carefully slides the tray of lasagna into the oven) Well, that's that…(he surveys the carnage) Except for the cleaning, of course.
Gir: Yay!
'Nny: 'Yay?'
Gir: We get to clean up! I saw it in a movie once! The lady just snapped her fingers and everything was all spiffy!
Squee: You mean 'Mary Poppins?' That's a scary movie. All those creepy animated people…*shudder*
'Nny: But still, if you want to make it into a game, you can—uncalled-for magic or no. We'll play 'Pass the Dish.' I'll wash 'em, Squeegee can dry 'em, and Gir, you put them on the table. Got it?
Squee: Okay.
Gir (singing gleefully): Oh, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down! The medicine go dooooooown!
Soon enough, the three are having soapy, wet, cleaning-type fun. They must all be nuts. Oh, wait…they are. Well, whilst their lasagna cooks, KidK and her posse are just about ready to leave the restaurant.
KidK (sighing with relief): Ah, my precious trenchcoat is returned to me in good condition…(The Pub has a coat-check place)
Dib: I don't know why you ever take it off!
Gaz: Not everybody's as weird as you are.
KidK's Mom: You kids make sure you bundle up good! Put on your gloves! (she always be tellin' me about the gloves…)
Mike-the-Brother: But they're so big and bulky! I won't be able to feel the controls!
Gaz: Heh. You and your padded gloves.
Dib: Hey…I just noticed something. Zim never takes off his gloves, ever!
Zim: Why would I want to put my fingers on anything on this filth rock? It's…unsanitary.
KidK: Zimmy's gloves are cooool…but not as cool as my perfectly perfect gloves! Heehee!
Mike-the-Brother: You're not gonna start raving about 'oh-my-wonderful-gloves-what-that-Johnny-gave-me' again, are you?
KidK: But they're so nice! (she glances out a window) Oh, wow!
Dib: It's snowing!
KidK's Dad: Well, this isn't going to help traffic any.
Zim: 'Snowing?'
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah! Oh, right, you've never seen snow before.
Gaz: All you need to know is that sometimes it gets us days off from skool, which is awesome because then I can play all day without those stupid teachers bugging me to pay attention to them.
Zim: And how does this phenomenon result in days off from skool?
Mike-the-Brother: Because it accumulates and buries the roads! It's like soft, frozen rain.
Zim: Did you say…rain? You're not making me go out into that torrent of watery stuff!
KidK's Mom: Oh, a little snow is nothing to be afraid of. Come on.
She steps out of the restaurant and begins the walk to the car, followed by the others. Zim, however, hesitates under the building's awning, very reluctant to step out into the swirl of snowflakes. He slowly extends a finger into the storm, and flinches when it does, indeed, cause a burning sensation. He sighs harshly, disgusted with this miserable existence, and, shutting his eyes and gritting his teeth, prepares to step down off the curb and into the pain-causing snow. Suddenly, however, a shadow falls over him and he feels the soft touch of silk on his head and shoulders.
KidK: I knew having an ankle-length coat would come in handy someday. Just stick close to me, and you'll stay nice and dry.
Zim: ……………….thank you.
They slowly and carefully make the journey to KidK's car, where they are greeted by their friends with joyous words of welcome:
Dib (laughing and pointing): Aw, what a tender moment! Just like a perfect couple!
Gaz: Can we get on with this, already?
Feel the love! Well, I think that's enough for this Part. Yup, this seems like a good place to take a quick break. I've gotta go to class anyway. Bye! See you again in a few hours!
The Special New Years' Eve Dinner Has Been Had! But There's Still Hours of Fun to Be Had Before The Clock Strikes Midnight!