Dear Avatar's Wench,
Normally, there's no chance in hell that I would ever say or write this…but…I need your help.
It seems that Uncle has come down with a nasty case of the flu.
At any other time, I would enjoy the blissful lack of proverbs, but his coronation is coming up and it would be troublesome to find a new candidate.
I'd simply order you to the palace, but apparently I'm supposed to be subtle (Uncle has come up with the ridiculous notion that we belong together. Horrifying, isn't it?).
So, will you please explain to me how to…fix…my Uncle (and the soon-to-be Firelord, which, as I already mentioned, would be troublesome to replace).
With Complete and Total Dignity and Most Certainly Not Groveling,
Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation
P.S. I'd heard that the Avatar and yourself had "gotten together." Is this true?
Dear Zuko (I refuse to take part in these childish name-callings, you inconsiderate jerk),
It seems you've become a good bit nastier since leaving our little group (Ha. I knew I was right about you).
Or is it just me?
I'm sorry to hear that Iroh is sick. (Best wishes on ascending the throne, Iroh!) And that's just plain mean. Even talking about you're Uncle's death…I know you're trying to be tough, but honestly, you men are such dolts—women like sensitive guys. Besides, we all know that on the inside, you're dying (both emotionally and physically. Sokka poisoned your stew last week.).
Subtly is good, Zuko. If you're ever going to rule, you'll need to be willing to sly past nobles and, sometimes, old-stuffy-in-your-face-sexist-pig rules.
Trust me. I know.
And all your Uncle needs is a good cup of tea, and some bed rest. I can tell that right away, and you didn't even list the symptoms. (And yes, that is just sick. Us. Together? It's like the apocalypse.)
The World-Renowned, Greatly Respected, Highly Doubtful of Your Self-Given Description,
Katara of the Southern Water Tribe
P.S. Where'd you here that? Aang and I are just friends, thank you very much. No romance for us.
P.P.S. Why'd you ask?
Dear Hopelessly Annoying, Overly Feminist, Incredibly Anti-Sexist Wench Also Known as Katara,
I have not gotten nastier. I was just a bit…snappy…last time. (Don't listen to what Uncle tells you. Mai didn't leave me; I left her.)
Uncle has now almost completely recovered, and is back to his old proverb loving self. (That's not a good thing.) (Why, hello, Katara! It's wonderful to hear from you again? How is your brother doing? –Iroh)
My tough-act is not an act. Although I am somewhat attached to my Uncle, I am completely and totally independent. You should expect no less from the Fire Nation's future ruler. (And what the hell?!?! Your oaf of a brother poisoned my stew? With what, prunes?!?!)
Uncle was overjoyed when he read your diagnosis. You should have recommended hot water instead. This much tea is bad for him in his old age. (I agree, for once. There is no way that the placing of us two in a romantic relationship could result in a suitable match for either of us. The apocalypse it would be.)
The Also World Renowned and Unbelievably Gifted Master of the Sword,
Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation
P.S. Good. He's too young for you.
P. P. S. I ask not because I care, but because it would be troublesome if I was forced to attend your wedding. Which would be a total disaster, by the way.
Dear Aggravatingly Stubborn Mule that Happens to Know How to Use a Sword Without Killing Himself (Unfortunately),
Yes, Zuko, you have gotten nastier. Although, for some reason, I think you only act this way around me. It seems to be what people expect of you as well…and what you expect of yourself. (Mai and you broke up? That's awful! She never really was my type, but she seemed to really love you…What happened?) Actually, I think that the stress of court nobles and pressure to choose a bride is getting to you. You were pretty nice (for a time) while you were travelling with us…But now you've reverted to your former self. (Please change back. I don't like it when you act like this.)
Why do you hate me so much? It used to be the other way around. (It's almost like one of those cliché treat-the-girl-you-have-a-crush-on-like-crap. But we both know that you're just an inconsiderate jackass, don't we?)
I'm glad that you're Uncle is feeling better. It would have been awful if we had to schedule the coronation all over again. (It's great to hear from you, too, Iroh! Sokka's doing great, actually. Suki's pregnant, and he's freaking out over pre-parental overprotective issues. He won't let her leave the house without an escort. Unfortunately for Sokka, pretty soon the mood swings are gonna kick in. –Katara)
Yes, Zuko, we all know that your tough-guy act is, in fact, just an Hey-look-at-me-I'm-so-macho boasting party, brought on by lack of a girlfriend and sexually repressed hormones throughout the years. (…You believed me? No, actually, Sokka would never risk the peace, however much of a moron he is sometimes—although I wouldn't put it past him to convince the cooks that you love stewed sea prunes more than anything else in the world…
Don't worry about it, Zuko; too much tea is never bad for you. (Although it might be hazardous to your Uncle if someone were to take it away.) (Speaking of romantic relationships, I'm currently without a boyfriend. Any ideas?)
The Amazingly Pretty, Incredibly Strong, Kick-Ass Waterbender that Could Defeat You in Your Sleep,
Katara
P.S. Too young for me? Not anymore. Aang's an adult now. Besides, he and Toph are in love.
P.P.S. Tsk. My wedding will wonderful, dreamy, romantic, and everything good about life. Unlike yours. Your bride would probably leave halfway through the ceremony.
Dear Astoundingly Annoying Water Peasant with a Bad Taste in Clothing (Not to Mention God-Awful Hair,
If I have gotten nastier, it's your fault, wench. You bring out the worst in me. (Mai and I broke up because things weren't working. Aka, it's none of your business, peasant.)
…I absolutely, totally, completely and utterly detest saying this, but you're the first one to understand that. Those pathetic nobles...They want me to get married and produce an heir. As if I can marry just anybody…If I don't act soon they'll give me an arranged marriage.
I don't hate you, peasant. Don't ask what I do feel towards you. Stupid emotions. They're being difficult today. (That is far too cliché for my liking. And no, peasant, I'm not a jackass. That would be your brother.)
Uncle is glad that he's better, too. And I suppose that it's a little easier when I don't have to worry about him every second of the day. (Really? That's wonderful! You will be an aunt! I feel sorry for your brother, though. Pregnancies can become very dangerous to the man in question. –Iroh)
How many times do I have to tell you that it's not an act?!? I care for my Uncle, peasant, but that's it. My honor requires me to be strong enough to serve my nation. And I am not sexually repressed. Mai was actually very…intimate. Among other people. (I hate sea prunes. Serve them to me and you die.)
Don't let Uncle hear that. Otherwise, he'd never stop drinking it. I'd prefer for the Fire Nation not to sink farther in debt than we already are, thank you very much. (No boyfriend? You're pathetic. Even I could get a girlfriend if I tried…What about that mustache-boy we travelled with? Haru?)
The Ultimately In-Charge and Ever Honor-Maintaining Future World Leader,
Zuko
P.S. Good. She was annoying as well. They go together.
P.P.S. I'm sure you'll find the man of your dreams, peasant. (Isn't that what girl's dream about?) And my bride will be a much better wife than you could ever be.
Dear Maniacal Dictator Who Lost His Honor Years Ago,
No, it is not my fault. (And fess up. You'd never act like this to my fact, would you? You're just taking out everything on me. Bastard.) Uh-huh. Things weren't working? You lost your temper again, didn't you?
God. An arranged marriage? I am overwhelmed with pity (for the bride; not for you). Producing an heir, though, with someone you don't even love—that actually sounds kinda…I dunno…unfaithful, in a way. (Unfaithful to your heart. Or the woman you're really in love with, if there is one. Now that I think of it, it would be unfaithful to both of them, actually.)
I don't hate you either, Zuko. Are you having emotional problems again? Sokka can always give you counseling. He's good at that. (Sokka's not a jackass. An idiot, yes, but not a jackass.)
Aw! You were worried! This proves you care! (I know! I'm so excited…I can't wait to meet my niece! Sokka will probably be doubly in-danger, then. He pisses off Suki normally, even. –Katara)
You care for no one but your Uncle? I find that hard to believe…What about your mother? Surely even you aren't that heartless…(That gave me a few disturbing mental images. So…you're not a virgin. Interesting. Sokka owes me fifty bucks.)
Haru? No. Actually, he went gay for Teo. Hm…maybe I should see if Longshot's still around…
The Goddess of Water and Awesomest Bender Ever,
Katara
P.S. Don't say that, you jerk!
P.P.S. Thank you very much. I will. (And you're right. That is what girls dream about. You're just the monster that haunts our nightmares.) Your bride will be perfect for you, I'm sure. (Unless the nobles become even stupider and go through will the whole arranged marriage thing. Then your lives will eternally suck.)
Dear Underwater Sea-Cow With a Brain the Size (And Capability) of a Turnip,
It is your fault. (And I would, too. I'm no coward.) And for your information, it had nothing to do with my temper. Our love was so boring that I couldn't stand it any longer. (Besides, Azula tells me that Mai was only in it for the sex. Why didn't I have her executed again…?)
Yes. An arranged marriage. (Personally, I expected it. Inbreeding rates are surprisingly high among royalty.) How can sex with someone I don't love be unfaithful? (Sentimental idiot.) And I don't love anyone, except my Uncle and my mother. (Don't even suggest that. It's just sick.)
I have no emotions, wench. In other words emotional problems are not possible. Get that through your unbelievably thick skull, please. (Being with Uncle is counseling in itself. Assuming that counseling consists of consuming unhealthy amount of tea and so many proverbs that your ear-drums rupture.)
Yes, I was worried, but only for my sake. Remember what I said about finding a new Firelord being troublesome? Or did you forget again? (I fear for your brother. Indescribable hurt and pain is heading his way. Ah, young love…so beautiful, yet so excruciating… -Iroh)
I care for my mother. And my Uncle. Maybe I left a few out, alright peasant? You're so annoying sometimes, you know that? (As if I, the world leader to-be, could ever possibly be in the state of being dubbed 'not getting any.' I'm insulted.)
The Tough, Strong, and So-Not-Needing-Your-Help-Today,
Zuko
P.S. Tell the nobles that. They're convinced that Ty Lee and I are going to be the future ruler's of the Fire Nation. Idiots. (Almost as idiotic as Uncle believing that we are meant to be.
Dear Zuko (I'm not gonna bother today. You've probably guessed why.),
Oh God. I heard. They're giving you an arranged marriage with Ty Lee, aren't they?
I can't stand it. I never thought they'd actually go through with it…
Zuko, I'm coming. I'm not gonna loose you now, after everything we've been through together.
The Worried Friend That Thinks She Might Be In Love With You,
Katara
P.S. Hell, scratch that. I am in love with you.
Dear Katara (I suppose that I'll have to call you that now, won't I?),
…
…
…Well. It's a miracle, pea—Katara.
You have me speechless.
Congratulations, wench. You've managed to make a fool of the both of us at once.
I would think that even a Water Tribe peasant such as yourself would know better than to barge in a wedding in the middle of the vows, grab the groom by the collar, and kiss him like there's no tomorrow. I have to admit, it was…interesting.
Intimate Mai might have been, but you can do things with your tongue that actually surprise me. (Where'd you learn to do that, anyway?)
You said you loved me.
I don't hate you. (Uncle says that's rude, and that I must tell the truth. I really hate him sometimes.)
So…
The truth is.
ARRGH. I sort of…kind of…might…love you back.
Maybe. (Although it would be difficult if I claimed that I didn't, after all of that crap at the wedding.)
Your New…Husband,
Zuko
P.S. Lay off the fire flakes. They give you gas.
Dear Zuko (You inconsiderate jerk. Remember that first time I wrote that?),
I'm glad.
I deserve speechlessness. (You know it's true. I'm awesome, aren't I?)
It's nice to here that you enjoyed kissing me. I had fun, too. And I'm really; really glad I beat out Mai. Really. (Hell yeah, bitch! He's mine now. But don't feel bed. He hogs that covers. Though the sex, I must admit, is great.)
I'd prefer not to disclose the information as to who taught me to "kiss like that." (Don't ask.)
I love you, sweetie. (Oh, no! We're turning into cliché newlywed couples! If you start calling me "honey bun," I'll kill you, I swear…)
Hell yeah. I've said it more than you.
I rule, don't I?
You're really damn lucky to have me as your wife, you know that?
Love You Forever,
Katara
P.S. Stop leaving your underwear on the floor. It smells like crap.
FIN.
Hm. I'm worried that Zuko was OOC. He was a little TOO nasty, wasn't he? Well, for the sake and purpose of this story, let's call it denial, ; ). (And let's face it--we all know that wimp in The Western Air Temple is the same Zuko-clone that took over in The Guru. Srsly. Zuko is NOT that dorky.) Please, tell me what you thought of it!