(The following is a story I wrote the Friday and early Saturday of Anime Iowa 2000, finishing it up during the fan fiction panel there and then reading it aloud to the audience, who responded positively.)
Slayers: Noisy by Kris Overstreet
*byoing*byoing*byoing*
Lina Inverse clenched her fists and stomped down the road, trying to ignore the effects of Milson's Sonic Enhancer.
*byoing*byoing*byoing*
Behind her, clad in a leather ensemble which did nothing at all to restrain the free movement of its contents, Naga the White Serpent sauntered after Lina, paying no mind to either the spring-like noise coming from her bosom or the twitching of the veins on Lina's head.
*grind*grind*grind*
That sound wasn't Naga's chest- it was Lina's teeth. Her cape would have added an ominous *rustle*, if there had been any wind in the forest that day.
It was bad enough that Naga had a cleavage you could hide a three-course dinner in. It was even worse that Naga's pitifully few and lonely brain cells were capable of making the comparison between her spherical endowments and Lina's *ahem* understated beauty.
*byoing*byoing*byoing*
The thing that made it totally unbearable was how Naga kept discovering new ways to show off the difference between the two.
"Is something wrong, Lina?" Naga's voice ran across Lina's sensitized nerves like a sharpening wheel against dwarven steel.
*grind*grind*grind*
"Just... wishing... 'Sound Maker' wasn't an area-effect spell..." Lina managed to stay polite -just- that long. Please, please, she thought, please let it go at that, Naga...
"Yes, you have been quiet, haven't you, Lina?" Naga posed proudly, throwing back her shoulders and unleashing several *byoing*s in Lina's direction. "Oh, poor little Lina Inverse, how can you hope to compare with the perfect form of Naga the White Serpent?"
Here it comes, Lina thought...
"OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO..."
The Laugh could set grown men to weeping like babies. It had brought down old castles through sheer sonic pressure. It was the ultimate expression of human arrogance.
Lina heard it far, far too often. For two coppers I'd fireball you, she thought to herself. "SHUT UP!" was what she actually shouted, and to make sure the message penetrated Naga's little universe she gave the words a large escorting force. "Shutup shutup shutup shutup SHUT UP!"
Naga stopped laughing, blinked, and smiled. "You're upset, aren't you?" she cooed.
"Finally it sinks in!"
"You want to make some sounds yourself, don't you?"
Lina had a quick vision of herself *byoing*ing happily down the road.
"NO! NO! That's not it at all!" If anyone saw the Bandit-Killer Lina Inverse like that... she could remember the laughter of the day when she'd taken her sister's bra and two small watermelons and stepped out for a while...
"Oh, don't worry, Lina," Naga smiled, opening a scroll and reading aloud:
"Spirits of air and forest,
Let thy power surround us,
Give voice with reed and horn To the heroism of our cause:
SOUND TRACK!"
A jingling of bells echoed her words, as a diffuse light settled on the forest path, illuminating Lina and Naga briefly before fading into daylight.
"What was all that?" Lina asked... and as soon as her lips began moving, flutes began playing, trilling in a mocking comedic air. Worse yet, it didn't fade when she stopped talking. In fact, it grew more intense- and more mocking- as her eyes widened.
"I just gave us a musical soundtrack," Naga smiled, "all heroes have one. And you have -such- an appropriat theme!"
"Appropriate?!"
"Yes, such a darling little theme, perfect for a sidekick!"
o/~Tweetle-tweetle-dee.o/~ Lina's veins felt like they were going to leap out of her temple and light up like a neon sign.
"Whereas *I*-" the music changed, a strong bass beat accompanied by tambourine... and, a moment later, a single voice singing a wordless tune in a haunting minor key... "*I* have a theme befitting the status of the world's greatest sorceress-"
"WORLD'S GREATEST WHAT?"
"-music truly worthy of the glory which is I, Naga the White Serpent! OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" As Naga laughed, the music crecendoed, orchestra booming louder and louder, voices singing triumphant chords, almost drowning out multiple *byoing*s. Lina's temper, never a strong thing, finally snapped. She tossed back her cape and bowed her head. The music stopped, shifted to a light tune of chimes and woodwinds, soft but ominous...
*Black beyond darkest night*
*Crimson blood that flows...*
Naga's eyes widened, her laugh halting at the first syllable, as she heard the beginning of Lina's chant. "Ah, Lina," she stammered, "a-a-aren't you overreacting just a little?"
*I pledge myself to darkness...*
Naga took a step backwards, a nervous twitch dancing on her cheek. "Lina, you really wouldn't do this..."
*...by the power*
*You and I possess*
Naga quit talking and fled. "*RAYWING!*"
*whoosh*
Lina let her get four feet off the ground before he fired.
"***DRAGON*SLAVE!***"
With a crashing orchestral fanfare, a beam of light brighter than light ever thought of being flowed in dramatic slow motion towards Naga. Naga flapped her arms frantically, trying to get out of range, but the *wicku*wicku*wicku* of her frantic efforts was drowned out by the strident, heroic sounds of the Dragon Slave's theme. With a crash of cymbals the beam detonated, expanding into a dome of fire which launched Naga high, high, high into the air...
... and faded, along with the music, revealing a circle of trees blown down and incinerated by the blast. Overhead, a tiny dot reached the high point of its trajectory and
*whhhhhiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeooooooooouUUUUUUUU*
fell down to earth
*GADUNG!*
imbedding Naga head-first into the debris.
"Ouch..."
o/~Wa wa wa waaaaaaaaa...o/~