I realised, as I stared at the sheet of paper in front of me that I was no longer able to deny it all. I also realised as I stared at the sheet of paper that I had been entirely unfair in many of my earlier actions. There really was no other way of looking at it, I was in love with him and I'd never even realised. I sighed deeply as I threw the paper onto the floor trying to ignore the huge truth that it had just left me facing. Suddenly a cough from across the room brought me back into the present and I remembered why I was even looking at the damn sheet of paper in the first place. My eyes darted to the location of the disturbance and were met by the sympathetic stare of my best friend.
'Blaine…' he approached cautiously '…it's… ok you know' he gripped my shoulder as a sign of support as he sat down on the floor next to me and picked up the piece of paper 'It's quite cute actually'. I caught him with a cold stare and shook my head before speaking for the first time in what felt like hours.
'It's not David' I sighed 'I've been an ass to him, I rejected him. I mean, how's he supposed to come back from that and forgive me? Love me even? I kicked him when he was at his lowest because I was too stubborn to accept that I loved him' David wasn't watching me, he was listening I could tell but he was examining the cause of my despair carefully 'What?' I asked cautiously as a he continued to stare at the sheet as though deep in thought and waiting for the answer to jump off it and straight into his head. Suddenly he nodded and looked up as though it had spoken to him.
'You've just got to tell him that' David sighed shaking his head 'Show him this if it helps' he suggest pushing the blasted piece of paper back into my hand. I looked at it again with a heavy heart, I'd always been a doodler, I had notebook after notebook of random scribbles, and words and parts of songs, and names. It was like a journal of thoughts, the page's colours, words and images would always reflect my mood but none had ever been as clear as this one. This piece of paper should not have been more than a few silly drawings I'd made when I drifted off into Blaineland during physics. Instead it was one large, detailed drawing and the same name over and over again in my own, unique scrawl. I didn't even think anything of it at the time, highlighted by the fact I'd left it on the desk, and David therefore found it. There was however, no denying the subject of the drawing - Kurt complete with the flush to his cheeks he always gets when I smile at him. Well, that he used to, nowadays he won't even look at me. My chest throbbed with pain at the memory of his face the day it had all gone wrong a mere week ago.
'I can't do this Kurt' I sighed turning to go. Kurt clenched a fist at his side and grabbed me with his other by the shoulder to stop me moving, there were tears in his eyes, this was nothing new I'd seen this boy at his worst, when he was broken and alone. But this was different somehow, he was angry, he was angry at me.
'DO WHAT BLAINE?' he spat 'YOU CAME HERE TO TALK TO ME. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD ME WHAT 'THIS' IS' he let go of me and dropped to his knees on the floor. He was shaking with anger still but his voice was all but gone when he spoke again 'You can walk out on me, but I need you to explain first. Please Blaine, I need to understand what you're talking about' his eyes were pleading with me now but I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to go, I couldn't see this, I needed to get away from him, from the pressure.
'I can't stay while you fall in love with me, because I'll never love you back. I'm sorry' I took a deep breath and left, not looking back, I didn't want to see what damage I'd done. I couldn't.
It was only now though that I realised that I couldn't see it because I didn't mean what I'd said. I'd barely noticed David pull into a hug and I definitely hadn't noticed when I started crying but David didn't say anything either he just let me be, holding me until I was ready to face this.
'Could yo-' I faltered and shook my head but David urged me to continue and, with what was probably the 90th deep breath I'd taken over the last hour or so, I finished my request 'Could you… get Kurt… to come here?' I asked weakly 'I'd ask him myself but… but I don't think he'd come' David smiled warmly and nodded his head.
'Sure' my room mate, best friend and now guardian angel replied 'I'll say I want some fashion advice for a date or something. I'll tell him you're out with Wes' he ruffled my hair ruining it's perfectly slicked back form and allowing my curls to have free rein of my head 'I suggest you get changed — declaring undying love for someone in your school uniform seems a smidge on the tacky side' David laughed lightening the mood as he pulled me off the floor and shoved me in the direction of the bathroom. As I locked the door I heard him step out into the hall and the beginnings of a phone call 'Heeey Kurtie! Look I'm in a fashion jam. I need my boy' I smiled to myself and rested the head against the door, David was so smooth when he wanted to be.
An hour later and I found myself hiding out once more in the bathroom as Kurt's signature careful knock was heard through the door, I held my breath as I heard David let him inside hoping that he wouldn't suss something was up before I managed to say anything.
'Well, let me see what you had intended to wea-' Kurt's instructions to David were cut short as David opened the bathroom door to allow me to step back into the room. He made an incredible amount of effort to not let his gaze meet mine before he turned back to David 'What the hell is this?' he demanded making for the door without waiting for an answer to his question. Thankfully David got there before him.
'I'm gonna leave you guys to this' he said to the room in general as Kurt was now twisting on the spot, clearly conflicted about which of us he should shout at first 'Kurt, I really think you need to listen to Blaine' He paused to emphasise his point with a stern look before turning back to me 'Blaine - Good luck man' he smiled weakly and closed the door. Kurt instantly turned his back on me and made his way towards the door for a second time. I sighed desperately as I saw him make to open it but no sooner had he tugged on the door had he fallen backwards onto the floor because it didn't budge. He'd clearly put all his strength behind it in order to make the most dramatic exit possible, trust Kurt to even want to make this a performance. He was now sat on the floor looking slightly defeated, dishevelled and more than a bit embarrassed. 'Oh, yeah. I've locked you in until you sort this out' David's muffled voice called through the door 'And I've got both sets of keys before you start hunting Blaine's dresser for his Kurt'
Kurt, who's head had just darted towards my dressed and was halfway to standing up, swore under his breath and threw himself back onto the floor with even less dignity than the first time. I assumed he would take a few deep breaths then make an attempt to shout some sense into David through the door. However I was mistaken and instead he made no effort to move from where he was now curled up in the middle of my dorm room floor with his back to me.
'Well, clearly I can't leave until you say whatever it is you suddenly HAVE to say to me so get on with it' He muttered icily as he began adjusting his hair and trying to regain some of the dignity he had lost in the tumble.
'I need you to look at me' I said calmly not really expecting him to adhere to the need but after a deafeningly awkward silence that lasted no more than seconds but felt more like an eternity he turned to face me. His eyes looked more wounded than I had ever seen them and the guilt and pain I'd felt in my chest earlier bubbled back to the surface at such a pace and with such intensity I wasn't sure I was going to be able to continue talking. 'What do I do when I can't express my feelings vocally?' I asked him calmly sitting down on the floor myself but making sure not to get too close to him yet, angry Kurt was volatile and I wasn't in the mood for a slap.
'What has this got to do with anything Blaine?' he hissed, he was finally looking me in the eye but it wasn't giving me any of the comfort I used to get from those glasz eyes, all I was getting was my own pain amplified because now I was feeling Kurt's pain too and nothing hurt me more than seeing that boy in pain. I really did think I'd broken him when I saw into his eyes this time, I was sure there was no coming back from it. But I had to try. I repeated my question adding that it was important that he answered and he sighed heavily dropping away from gaze as though it were too much for him too. Some of the pain I was feeling lifted but not by much. He began playing with the fringe of my rug as he answered 'You draw it' he muttered 'but what does this have to with us Blaine? What does it have to do with you walking out of my room and leaving me to sob myself to sleep?' I gulped as I heard the words and once again that stupid, stupid, horrible evening played over in my head. I shook the memory off and stood up heading back towards my bed where the drawing was lying, waiting to break the news to Kurt.
'I drew this in Physics today' I say softly sitting down next to him this time, relief pouring over me when he actually moves in a tiny bit closer rather than shifting away from me, he carefully takes the piece of paper from my hands and unfolds it. I continue talking as he stares, dumbfounded at his own face and his name delicately written over and over around it like in some sort of obsessive border 'I didn't even notice what I'd drawn at the time Kurt, David picked it up after class and he showed it to me' He was looking at me again now, the pain in his eyes was still there but there was something else I couldn't quite pin down at the time, hope maybe? Perhaps curiosity or maybe even a slight glimmer of happiness but I knew he still didn't quite understand. 'I think' I paused and recalculated how I was going to say this 'I am in love with you Kurt' I said as affirmatively as I could muster still watching his eyes, trying to predict his reaction before it happened. I used to be so good at it, but I couldn't anymore I was just going to have to wait it out.
'If' his voice faltered and I realised he was fighting back tears, I just wished I knew why he was on verge of crying 'If you're in love with me why did last week happen?' his voice was no more than a faint whisper and I could tell he was scared, but I almost felt that it was in a good way. I shook my head and smiled warmly at him pushing away the part of his hair that had fallen into his eyes as he'd been staring at the drawing. I noticed now that he was hugging the paper to his chest as he spoke. I saw this as a good sign.
'I wish I knew Hummel' I sighed moving my hand from his hair to his cheek gently brushing the tears away with my thumb 'I guess I just didn't understand how I was feeling. And maybe I was a bit scared' Kurt's hand reached up and took mine and I thought he was going to drop it away so that I wasn't touching him anymore and I wouldn't have blamed if he had but he entwined our fingers together and squeezed gently. A soft laugh escaped from his lips.
'Oh silly, silly Blaine' he murmured gently as I realised how close our faces were now and I could feel his warm breath against my cheek, the smell of an ice cool mint suddenly in the air. 'What ever happened to courage?' he asked his face even closer to mine than before. I laughed leaning back slightly out of embarrassment rather than fear.
'Hey that was your mantra, not mine'
'Hypocrite' he chuckled and before I could defend myself he leant in all the way and pressed his lips gently on mine twice before pulling me in for our first proper, passionate kiss. It seemed to last for days when I know it probably wasn't much more than a few minutes. Kurt rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes, I could tell by his face he was reliving the last 5 minutes and I couldn't blame him I was going to be replaying it in my head for a very long time. Eventually he opened his eyes and kissed my forehead 'I love you too Blaine' he said finally.
'Halle-freakin-lujah' came a voice from behind us and we broke apart from our embrace to find David leaning casually in the door frame with Wes and several other Warblers poking their heads round him trying to glimpse at what was keeping David so entertained.
'How long have you been stood there?' Kurt squeaked wrapping his arms round me and hiding his face in my chest in hope they wouldn't notice the shy blush that was creeping across his face. I'd missed that blush and I couldn't resist cupping his face and gently pulling him upwards towards me for a moment so I could lightly kiss his cheek when I saw it.
'Oh since about 'I wish I knew Hummel'' David replied sauntering into the room and throwing himself down on his bed. His impression of me was apparently fairly accurate judging by the laughter that followed from the corridor 'But seriously, I'm glad you guys sorted things out' he smiled genuinely. Wes entered the room properly with the same smile across his face and spoke for the first time.
'Well guys looks like we've got ourselves a new power couple in the Warblers' he winked at us as he made himself comfortable on David's bed casually kicking it's owner down onto the floor 'Just don't break up with him please Kurt, there's only so much Death Cab for Cutie a guy can take in his lifetime and I've had more than my fair share in the last week'
Kurt giggled against my chest 'Oh don't worry Wes, now I've got him I don't ever plan on letting him go'
And 15 years on I can safely say, even though I knew it then, that Kurt really did mean every word.
Fin.
Well I hope you enjoyed it. It's been years since I wrote any fic so I'm a bit skeptical of its quality. Dedicated to Tracey and Holly for nagging me into doing it! Please review I love feedback :)