Author's Note: This has been inspired by the Stephen Lynch "Best Friend Song" or rather the River/Simon/Jayne video from Youtube.

This story was done in one day...phew! Thanks i think in part to the wonderful Plotbunny who has visited me from America. Please note that this does have strong swearing and the characters are drunk and may well be a little OTT. Take this story for the funny its supposed to be. Also this is not beta'd.

Best Friends?

The fire was crackling, huge flames gave off heat that had all three men basking. The three of them were drunk, still drinking and would probably be in this condition for the next day at least.

The black night sky overhead held absolute fascination for Mal, for he knew somewhere up there, the ladies were looking after his beloved Serenity. He held up his mug and with a big drunk grin he waved up at the black.

"Coo-wee!" he snorted and his drink spurt from his flared nostrils. He started laughing and tilted back on the log he was perched on. Mal would have gone over had it not been for Jayne grabbing hold of his arm and pulling him up. "Thanks."

"Dunno whys I did it," Said Jayne pausing to let out a belch and a snort of laughter. "Woulda been hi-larious t'see yer ass go over yer head!"

"That it would have…" Simon stopped and looked confused as if he had actually forgotten what he was saying. He looked to the other two men who didn't have a clue either and then all three shrugged their shoulders and carried on drinking.

"Never thought I'd enjoy this," Said Jayne, straining as he leant over to grab the huge ceramic bottle sitting by Mal. He brought the bottle up to his face and bit on the cork to pull it out. He poured some of the alcoholic (Mal never said what it was) liquid into his metal mug, took a swig from the bottle and handed it to the captain, who did the same. "Mal…you n' I…we're okay…but I never thought I'd be sharin' a drink with you…prissy ass gay boy, especially after last week 'un all."

Simon scowled at the merc through the fire and when the Captain handed him the bottle, he wiped the neck of it, took a swig, coughed for a bit and then filled his mug up.

"I'm not gay." He said, taking an angry slurp at his mug. His eye twitched as the strong drink slipped down his throat. "I'm….I'm with Kaylilly."

"Well, doc…you do look it sometimes." Said Mal, trying to put on his serious drunk captain face, but his mouth was not hiding the grin breaking through.

"It's because of my shirts? Isn't it?" There was a little whine in Simon's voice. "But…they're the best shirts from Oss-i-ris! It's the core fashion!"

Simon swayed a little on his log and noticed the rather patronizing look the other two were giving him. It wasn't going to do any good arguing with those two, especially when they were teaming up on him. But he was drunk, just like they were.

"I'm not gay." He said sulking and taking another slurp.

"We're not tryin' to out'cha in fron' o' everyone," teased Mal, who was having difficulty with his speech. He flapped his tongue for a moment and then swigged some more drink into his mouth. After he had swallowed he gasped a relieving sigh of contentment. "Jayne and I were jus' sayin' that yer shirts are a little effeminate, is all."

"I'm not gay!" protested Simon, his voice getting a little shrill. "Why are you picking on me all of a sudden? I thoughts we was having a lov-er-ly time!"

"It's fun t'pick on ya doc!" Jayne chuckled.

"Oh is this the payback, is it?" Simon replied. "You still upshet that the Cap-tin sided with me?"

"Gents…" Mal's voice dropped in warning. "I don't wan' trouble now. We're just three fellas having a friendly…several…okay lots of friendly drinks. Don't ruin it by bringing up that mass of trouble again."

"I'm not doin' nuthin', Mal."

"Good. Cuz, I don't wanna shoot either of you. We's peaceful and the likes, so lets keeps it as such."

"Okay! Okay…ha! Ha! Ha!" Simon grinned and rose his mug up in toast. Mal and Jayne appeared startled by the young man's gesture, but followed it all the same. "So I'm the gay one! Yay me."

"Hear hear doc!"

Jayne nodded in approval and then all three men drained their glasses. Mal tipped back so far that Jayne didn't even bother trying to save him. The Captain landed with a thud on the dusty ground behind him and his flailing arms knocked over the three large ceramic bottles they had finished earlier. They cluttered and clinked as Mal drunkenly scrambled to his hands and knees to get back up onto his perch. He was covered in a fine dirty dusting of mud, but he was still grinning from ear to ear. He flopped his arms over the log and then pointed a wobbly finger at Simon.

"Gay." The finger turned to Jayne. "Not gay!"

"So glad we sorted that out." Said Simon, as Jayne passed him the bottle. He managed to get it open, disgusted as his fingers clasped at the cork covered in Jayne's drool, and he poured himself another handy amount. They were all going to regret it in the morning. "What about you Captain"?

"Oh. I'm not gay," Said Mal. "I'm the captain, so don even think about sayin' that I am! This be a shiny evening, us fellash enjoyin' the open air and drinks, don't spoil it by questionin' yer captain's sexual-titty! Dong ma?"

Jayne and Simon giggled like childish school boys. Mal frowned.

"What?"

"You said titty!" Simon sniggered into his hand.

Mal's face scrunched up as he tried to remember what it was he had said. Then he grinned and giggled with the others when he realized Simon was right. The laughing started up again and it reached a point that all three of them were creasing up badly, clutching their stomachs and tears streaming down their faces.

When they eventually caught their breaths back, drank some more and refilled their mugs, there was a settled silence again, only the crackling of the fire and the distant call of crickets filled the night air. Eventually one of them managed to break the silence.

"Bin a long time since I relaxed proper like this," Jayne sighed. "I'm gonna say it again, but don't nun of youse…tell them wimmin! Never thought somethin' like this would happen with you, Doc. Nice booze, good sky, real manly company…its shiny. You too, Cap…'preciate all this. "

"Gettin' shentimental already, Jayne?" asked Mal as the two of them clinked their mugs together. "Sure yer not sly?"

There was the rumble, the angry "dare ya to repeat that again" rumble in Jayne's chest, but it was soothed when Mal handed him the next large bottle of drink. The merc nodded in appreciation and placed it down to the opened one.

Jayne then shuffled round and to the approval of the others, he brought forth his guitar, which he had played earlier for the whole crew. Simon grinned and clapped his hands, but when he realized that it might have made him appear very camp, he stopped.

"You going to play ush a song, Jayne?" he asked.

"Figure we could all do with a shing along." Jayne belched and then settled his guitar on his lap. He fidgeted about a bit, trying to get comfortable and then strummed at the strings. The tuneless hum made Mal and Simon scrunch their faces up.

"You sure you can shtill play that thing in yer state?" asked Mal, as Jayne strummed two more tuneless notes. Jayne nodded and waved a dismissive drunken hand, telling the captain he would be fine. Eventually after a lot of attempts to tune the guitar, Jayne taking large gulps of his drink in between, he was ready.

"What'cha gonna sing?" Mal inquired, closing one eye and gazing into the bottom of his now empty mug. "A drinking song? Song 'bout wimmin? Guns and money?"

"Well…I'll play summink, and you fellash can join in." Jayne belched again and then began to play a nice jaunty little tune. When no one started singing, the merc stopped and scowled. "Well fuckin' sing, gorammit!"

"Okay! Okay!"

The guitar began to play again, it was a little broken as Jayne's inebriation affected his fingers, but his fellow crewmates seemed to be genuinely interested in this rather unusual bonding moment. If they were sober, they wouldn't be doing it.

"Oh I like my toast buttered!"

The music stopped abruptly, Jayne and Mal glared at the doc. Simon grinned and shrugged his shoulders. Reluctantly Jayne carried on playing.

"And I take mine dry!" Mal added, pulling a face as his mind wondered where the hell this song was going to go, but Mal decided to carry on. "I dig the Beatles!"

Jayne grinned at Mal's reference to the Earth-That-Was band and joined in.

"I'm a Stones…kinda guy!" Mal and Simon couldn't help but snigger when the merc's voice sung that little bit higher.

"I have fine taste!" Simon raised his mug proudly in the air, but when Mal's drink went the wrong way down his throat, making him cough, Jayne quickly jumped in.

"An' I like thins cheap!"

"I jush want to stay up all night!" Simon waved his hands, making his drink slosh over the side of his mug. Jayne strummed the guitar several times, though the drunk—rather evil-grin on his face as he paused, made Simon and Mal wait.

Jayne was gazing upwards at the sky, lost in his own little drunken world as a thought came into his mind. He licked his lips, glaring fiendishly back at Simon. The doc felt nervous, especially about what he was going to come out with.

It had been a week ago the two of them had the big argument, it nearly came to blows—there were threats of shooting, maiming and castrating- but it was never resolved.

Simon had a gut wrenching suspicion that perhaps this friendly drinking gathering was just a ploy. Jayne was going to do something that would upset him, and it wasn't going to be a simple matter of calling him gay. Sure enough, Jayne sung the next lines of the song and it all became clear.

"An…I jush wanna sleep…..with yer shister."

There it was.

"What?" Simon snapped out of his drunken stupor and shot an angry disbelieving stare at the Merc opposite him. "What did you say?"

"Huh?" Jayne glared back him, trying not to smirk.

"You said something about wanting to sleep with my-?"

Mal cleared his throat, very loudly.

"Oh I like the shunshine!"

Jayne grinned that evil grin.

"I wanna nail Simon's shister!"

"He said it AGAIN!"

Simon's face deepened to a dark red, which wasn't much more considering that he had been drinking a lot. The core doctor looked to the Captain, surely Mal wouldn't stand for this. But as Simon suspected, this was a ploy…a ploy to rile him up, because even now Mal was trying not to laugh. Or was the captain so drunk, he didn't quite see the inappropriateness of it all? Simon didn't like having his sister sung about in this way, especially from Jayne.

Why did he have to go a spoil a nice evening? Was it because of their fight last week? Why didn't Mal, who thought of River as his adopted daughter, put a stop to this?

Mal's eyes were starting to droop, fatigue and the effects of the booze taking over, but his hands were patting happily on his legs in time with Jayne's playing.

"I like ole western movies!"

"An' I wanna fuck the shit outta Simon's shister!" Jayne ignored the possible heart attack Simon was having and that one of his guitar strings suddenly snapped. "Doc…if its cool…"

"It's not cool!" whined Simon, his hands shaking and the alcohol in his system fuelling the hatred he felt for Jayne even further. "Captain! Make him stop! This is vile…an' gross…"

"If you say its cool…Jayne'll go pick her up…at her junior high school!"

There was another snap of a guitar string, followed by a discordant note and Simon and Jayne glared at the Captain in horror. Mal swigged out of the bottle and laughed even more.

"Now that ain't funny, Mal. I don't go after jailbaish girls."

"That's just wrong, Captain! Wrong!"

"Course it's wrong!" Mal snapped back. "Glad yer finally cashin' on! The song got waaay outta hand! I'm feds up with the two of youse bickerin' cosh yer spoilin' manly night by sayin things! So let's end it now before fights-n-stuff ensue!"

"He started it!" Simon pointed an accusing shaking finger at Jayne. "He dropped the tone of the song and dish-honoured and degray-headed my shister!"

"Hey! You broke Vera!"

"I did not BREAK Vera! She felled apart in my hands!"

"Ya shouldn't 'ave bin tushin' her!"

"And because of that you suddenly blurt out that you want to fuck my shister?" Simon grimaced at having used such a foul word. "Shesh a child, Jayne!"

"No! Shesh not! Shesh twenty one!"

"Are you sherious?" Simon's voice screeched high. "You cannot be sherious! You would think River would ever…no way! Nosh with you! Its preposherous! River would much rather die than do anything like that with you! So, say something like that again and I'll-!"

"You'll what doc?" Jayne gripped his guitar hard. "Ya gonna bish slap me?"

There was a thump as Mal fell back off his log. The captain was unconscious on the ground with his mug in one hand and his gun in the other. It seemed that Mal was going, or was trying, to shoot someone.

"Oh great…he's pashed out." Simon shook his head.

There was no one to help defend River's honour against this big ape man. This whole evening was ridiculous. He was drunk, on the verge of passing out himself and Jayne's degrading words about his sister was giving him a mighty headache.

It had been years since Miranda and even now, Jayne and Simon couldn't stay civil in each other's company. Why couldn't they get along? Simon tried not to think about that long list.

"So…wash you gonna do, doc?"

"Nothing so low as you."

Jayne sneered and with pure frustration and rage he began to strum angrily at his guitar. Simon hoped he wasn't going to make things worse. However, the combination of lots of alcohol and resentful feelings never calmed anyone down.

Jayne gritted his teeth. The rage was spilling off of him in tidal waves.

"Yeah! I wanna fuck yer shister! I wanna fuck her in the face an in her eyeballs and come all over her hair! Then I'd fuck her from behind and move it all around! I wanna nail your shister! And she'll fuckin' like it!"

This was definitely what going mad felt like. Simon was feeling physically sick, all the food and the alcohol he had consumed was trying to spew up out of his mouth and the world was spinning around him. Jayne had never liked River much, so this must all be a dig at Simon. It had to be!

The furious merc was still shouting out numerous sexual things he "wanted" to do to River, but Simon came to the conclusion that he was venting his anger, hoping to get the doctor to snap back. Well, Simon Tam was not a trained ape without the training. He was top three per cent of his class in Med-acad and was better than this.

"HOLD UP!" Simon leapt to his feet. He swayed a little bit before steadying himself on a nearby rock.

Jayne's angry singing came to an abrupt halt. His fingers were red as the grip on the instrument, the grasp, was so tight it would have snapped it for sure. He threw it aside and stood up to match the Doctor's stance. It was clear in his drunken eyes that he was aching for a fight and both men knew, if there was one….Jayne would win.

"What?" he growled. Simon approached him, puffing up his chest and glaring at him.

"You want to….." he closed his eyes and gulped down the taste of sick in his throat. "You want to fuck my shister?"

"Yeah!"

"Really?"

"Yeah….wanna fuck yer shister, doc. Wash ya gonna shay 'bout that?"

"You're seriously saying, that you—Jayne Cobb—want to shrew my little shister?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay. That'll be 26.50."

Simon had to smirk. The look of utter shock on Jayne's face was hilarious. His mouth dropped open and the six foot four mass of mean, staggered back, tripping over his log. He nearly lost his balance completely, but Jayne kept up right. He looked beyond bewildered, he was stunned that Simon could even come out with something like this.

"You want to sleep with my shister…you owe me 26.50."

There was fear in Jayne's hazy eyes now. When Simon extended his hand for the coin, his gawping mouth open and closed, any retort or snorting comeback lost.

"Yer what?" Jayne gasped. "You shayin' if I'll pay ya…I can sleep with yer shister?"

"Sure. You have the money…right?"

"Er…?"

Simon expected only disgust to follow. He also expected the mercenary to say how sick and twisted Simon was to pimp out his "crazy" sibling, thus ending the argument and Jayne would feel guilty about his rude behaviour. Or as guilty as Jayne could be.

Simon only saw red, when Jayne handed out a small bag of credits towards him.

"If ish the only way you'll lemme sleep with her…heres ya go."

"Cào ni zuzōng shíbā dài!"

Simon's fist impacted straight into the middle of Jayne's face.

The return of the men was a sorry affair. They got no sympathy at all.

The three of them sat at the mess hall table, looking utterly pathetic. Inara, Kaylee and Zoe had finished lecturing and laughing at them and remained entertained seeing them groan, moan and whimper as they slumped on the table.

Mal looked as if he had been dragged through the dirt, his face was scratched and caked with mud, his coat was ripped and he sat with his bleeding chin on the table, gazing at a glass of water. He had no strength at all to lift his hand or himself up to drink it.

It was the state of Simon and Jayne that caused concern. It was clear those two had been fighting, blood and bruises covered them, their clothes were torn and through their hung over state, their eyes were shooting evil glares at each other.

"I can't believe it." Said Kaylee shaking her head. "We leave ya'll alone for one night and ya come back like this. It's disgraceful is what."

"They're men." Inara said, walking over to Mal and leaning down next to his ear. "It's to be expected when alcohol is involved!"

Mal moaned loudly and instantly his arms shot up and snaked around his head.

"Gorrammit, 'Nara! You have to shout right in my ear?"

"Yes. Why? Does it hurt?"

"What shocked me is that you two have bin fightin." Zoe piped up, standing up from having been leaning against the counter. She walked over to Jayne and Simon and smiled. Jayne didn't look as phased as Simon was, but the core doctor had gotten in some good hits. "Thought the doctor would have died."

"If I was sober…he would have!"

"You deserved everything you got after what you said!" Simon sneered back.

The women could only stand back and watch as the doctor and merc began arguing, again. Mal tried to tell them to quieten down, but he only murmured incomprehensible words before covering up his head with his arms for the second time.

"They still fightin' 'bout the whole incident with Vera?" Kaylee whispered to Zoe. The first mate nodded. "This is stupid. It should be over by now…Vera's fixed!"

"The doc an' Jayne aint ever seen eye to eye," Zoe sighed in response. "Honestly? I don't know what will get 'em to be friends, Kaylee."

Zoe's answer came as an angry Fury stormed into the room with flurries of red from a dress and the hard clomping of thick boots. It swept past the women, approached the arguing men and halted the shouting words with a slap.

"Bad ge-ge!"

"OW! River!"

"Bad trained ape!"

There was another slap.

"Gorammit, ya looney…OW!"

The room was stunned into silence as a red face and furious River Tam stood before the beaten men, her hands firmly planted on her hips. One heavy boot began to tap again and again on the metal floor. Simon and Jayne didn't say another word, they just gawped with shock and horror that they had been slapped around the face.

"Whatcha do that for?" Jayne spat when he couldn't stand the intensity of her starring creepy eyes.

"Silence!" River held up her hand, palm out. Jayne firmly clamped his mouth shut. "I am very disappointed in both of you! Your behaviour regarding the girl was disgusting! Drinking to excess only made matters worse and you had the audacity to bring the girl into focus for your petty recriminations? I will not tolerate it…Serenity needs a calm and loving family…she needs her crew to get along. I need big brother and trained ape to get along! So offer your sincere apologies and shake hands! Make up and play nice!"

"River…you didn't hear the things he said about you!" Simon said.

"I do not want to hear anything from either of your mouths except apologies!" River wagged a finger in Simon's face.

Simon and Jayne looked to Mal, but the Captain wasn't any help. They looked to the other women and when Inara, Kaylee and Zoe shook their heads, firmly standing their ground with their arms folded, Simon and Jayne slumped humbly in their chairs. Admitting defeat.

"I'm-sorry."

"Louder Simon!"

"I'm sorry, Jayne!" Simon said in a raised voice, upsetting Mal. The doc held out his hand to Jayne in a peace offering. The merc reluctantly grasped his hand and shook it.

"Don't think you're going to get away with not apologising, man with girl's name." River threatened.

"Yeah…all right girlie! Hitch those panties outta yer crack…I'm gonna apologise!" Jayne touched at his nose, winced and murmured under his breath. "Sorry I said them mean things 'bout yer sister doc. Dint know what came over me, the booze I expect. Sorry for accusin' yer of breaking Vera and still holdin' a grudge. Oh and sorry for kickin' yer in the nads."

"Apology accepted." Simon allowed a weakened smile to form on his split lip. "Sorry for hitting you and riling you up, and for touching Vera."

Their hands slipped apart and the two men looked hopefully to River. Seeing the dramatic change in her told them that she accepted their makeup. A large beaming grin spread over her pale youthful face and she rocked back and forth on her feet, elated.

"Well done, men! Now hug and go tend to your injuries!"

"Hell! There's not gonna be any huggin!" Jayne protested.

Simon agreed, but happy River quickly vanished and in a split second she was by Jayne's side, pulling his head sharply back with her fist clenched in his curling hair.

Everyone was startled, yet their movements towards Jayne were stopped when River bent her head down to his ear. At the same time she smiled fondly—falsely-at the rest of the crew.

"I would suggest you make-up, trained ape. Hug my ge-ge and you may go. Failure to comply will mean consequences."

Jayne gulped nervously.

"Er…what kinda consequences?"

River cautiously watched the responses of the others—not Mal, as he was very hung over—and lowered her voice.

"If you ever wish to fuck Simon's only sister again, or in the near future… hug him and be very nice to him. Sincerity is the key! You singing our joke nearly ruined everything for the time of honest revelation!"

Jayne shot up from the chair and dragged Simon into a crushing hug that lifted the startled young man off his feet.

"I'm sorry, doc. Really I am."

Simon believed it. He seemed unsure at first, but when he was put back down he saw sincerity in those blue eyes above him. Jayne put his hand on his shoulder, waiting for acknowledgement, Simon nodded.

"Me too." Simon felt uneasy, but that could have been due to everyone else's startled observation of their apologies, but after a couple of deep breaths he did actually feel better. "Jayne, let's go to the infirmary and I'll do something about that nose. I think I might have broken it."

"Sure Doc."

When the two of them were gone, River did a little hop skip and a jump over to Kaylee, clapping her hands.

"Problem solved! We're all friends now!"

"That was a very direct approach, River," Inara smiled fondly as they all began to prepare for dinner. "Without having to resort to the use of guns."

"I still think it would have saved on all the shouting." Zoe replied, handing Kaylee a couple of pots. The engineer began to fill them with water and when Inara handed her the packets of protein, she tore them open and tipped them into the water.

"The men will behave now." River grabbed some spoons and when Kaylee put the pots on the stove both of them began to stir in the powdered mix. It looked and smelled disgusting already and they frowned as the bits formed gooey unsightly lumps.

"They're men, little one." Zoe kindly patted River's shoulder and brushed back some of her long tattered hair. "They will never behave."

"Er…could you ladies keep it down?" Mal wailed from the table. He managed to sit up and lean back into his chair, ruffling bits of dirt from his hair. "Your Captain is feeling very delicate."

The running clomps of boots sounded like a stampede in his ears.

The slap across his face was along the lines of being hit with a mule.

"OW!"

"Bad captain daddy!"

"Whatun-na-huh?"

"The girl has not been to high school in many years! She does not need picking up!"

The chorus of fiendish womanly laughter only made the Captain's hangover even worse. He slouched back down onto the table and choked back a hurtful sob.

"Someone please...shoot me in the head."