The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer candidates has gone to vote. Just a little secret mission inspired by the current election. And a certain SNL skit.
The Tuntson Candidate
"Listen up everyone! We have a new assignment!" Cyril called out to his staff in his office.
"Oh dear god what fresh hell has my mother come up with now?" Archer grumbled as the staff of the Figgis Detective Agency prepared for the worst.
"For once Sterling I had nothing to do with this," Mallory told him. "I have no idea why Cyril is bellowing at us at this god forsaken hour!"
"It's ten thirty in the morning," Cyril looked at her. "And believe it or not, Cheryl has found us a client."
"Oh dear God it's worse than I thought," Mallory groaned. "Where the hell is the scotch when you need it?"
"We're running low," Ray told her.
"Maybe if you people didn't drink every hour of the day…" Lana began.
"Lana! I'm not in the mood for your lecturing today! Cheryl just tell us what you told me," Cyril sighed.
"Right," Cheryl nodded. But said nothing.
"Anytime you're ready," Cyril sighed.
"Oh you want me to talk now?" Cheryl asked.
"That would be nice," Cyril said.
"Oh this mission's already getting off on a great start," Ray said sarcastically.
"God I hate my life," Mallory wailed.
"Okay so I have a distant cousin Clyde Tuntson who is descended from one of the illegitimate sons of my grandfather Cornelius Tunt," Cheryl explained. "The cousins on that side of the family legally changed their name to Tuntson so that my side of the family could never forget those annoying bastards exist."
"Interesting strategy," Cyril remarked. "Go on…"
"This is Clyde," Cheryl turned on the monitor and it showed the picture of a blond man in his early forties. "One of my few cousins I actually tolerate. At least he's not a boring old fart. And doesn't cry like a girl when I set something on fire."
"He looks like Bill Hader when he plays that character on the Californians," Pam spoke up.
"Yeah and he sounds and acts exactly like him too," Cheryl nodded. "It's pretty uncanny. Then again the Tuntson side of the family isn't exactly known for their smarts."
"So you're saying these relatives of yours are the dumb ones in your family?" Pam did a double take.
"I know. What a bunch of idiots!" Cheryl snorted. "They're not nearly as rich as the regular Tunts. I mean they have money and stuff but nowhere near what we have. They're only millionaires. Not a billionaire in the bunch."
"Hang on…" Mallory did a double take. "So your relatives are still rich…This meeting just got interesting."
"It's about to get even more interesting," Cyril said. "Tell them Cheryl."
"Anyway Cousin Clyde Tuntson is running for senator of California! And he wants us to be his bodyguards at this big political rally he's holding in Sonoma Valley at this vineyard tomorrow," Cheryl explained.
"You had me at Sonoma Valley," Archer got up. "Let's go!"
"Hang on," Lana spoke up. "Don't you guys want to know more about the mission first?"
"Nope," Archer shook his head.
"Uh uh," Pam agreed. "Had me at vineyard."
"Me too," Ray admitted.
"Ditto!" Krieger spoke up.
"If you have to ask," Mallory rolled her eyes.
"Guys this is an assignment," Lana said. "We won't even be allowed to drink! Not that it's ever stopped Archer before…"
"Oh we can drink," Cheryl corrected her. "In fact Cousin Clyde is giving us each at least a case of wine from his vineyard."
"Free wine! Oh yeah!" Pam whooped.
"I'm sold! This is the mission I've been waiting for!" Archer agreed.
"I'm with Sterling!" Mallory said cheerfully. "What are we waiting for?"
"Mallory! Can you stop thinking about all the wine you are going to drink and think about this for a moment?" Lana asked. "And even as I asked the question…"
"Lana it's not just about the wine," Mallory told her.
"It's not?" Archer did a double take.
"If this candidacy goes well and Cheryl's cousin becomes a senator that would not only a great contact for us it would be an in with the political world!" Mallory beamed. "Think about it! Our agency would transition from a grubby little private detective agency into an exclusive crisis management firm for the political elite!"
"Mallory you do realize that this agency in its entire history has caused more crises than its managed right?" Lana sighed.
"Give it a rest…Uh…" Archer blinked. "Damn it…I have it! I think I've got it…"
"Oliva Nope," Ray quipped.
"Damn it!" Archer snapped. "That's better than what I was thinking."
"Lana I can't believe you are not seeing the opportunity that's fallen into our laps," Mallory chided.
"Oh I have," Lana said. "An opportunity for disaster, drunkenness and all around dysfunction. Which is basically how all our missions go. Especially when Cheryl and her relatives are involved."
"She does have a point," Ray frowned.
"Oh for crying out…" Archer groaned. "Carol does this vineyard have any killer plants or does your cousin have any kind of killer plants around him?"
"No," Cheryl said. "Clyde is scared of killer plants."
"Oh then I'm good," Ray admitted.
"Lana we're doing this!" Cyril snapped. "This is an opportunity I am not going to waste."
"And we're not going to waste this opportunity to get wasted," Pam quipped.
"That reminds me," Cheryl spoke up. "Don't forget to bring your gross baby, Lana. Since Clyde is a politician now he needs at least one baby to kiss."
"Tell him we charge extra for providing a baby," Mallory said.
"Mallory!" Lana gasped.
"It's not like she won't get a cut!" Mallory snapped. "Think of it as putting some money towards her college fund."
"The way we're racking up money that might end up being a community college fund," Krieger spoke up.
"It's an extra five hundred," Mallory told Cheryl. "She's multiracial and they're all the rage now…"
"No problem," Cheryl waved. "He doesn't care as long as he gets a baby."
"Well then make it an even thousand," Archer said. Lana glared at him. "It's for her education Lana!"
"Ugh…Fine!" Lana groaned. "As long as that thousand goes right to her college fund!"
"AJ has a college fund?" Cyril asked.
"She will now," Lana admitted.
"So saving now is a priority," Archer agreed. "Speaking of priorities…AJ also gets a case of wine right?"
"Archer!" Lana barked.
"She's obviously not going to drink it now Lana!" Archer said exasperated. "That's also when she goes to college. Or when she turns 16 or whenever…"
"Oh great…" Lana groaned. "We're all going to a Tunt family function at a vineyard with a baby and a bunch of drunks. What could possibly go wrong?"
"That's the spirit!" Pam said cheerfully.
"Inappropes, Pam," Lana glared at her. "Inappropes."
The following day in Sonoma Valley….
Tuntson Vines. A quaint 85 acre estate filled with some of the valley's most fragrant and robust grapes. In the medium sized outdoor pavilion a podium and stage had been set up, along with several tables filled with different kinds of wines and appetizers. And plenty of empty seats ready for people to come witness the event.
"Well we've done a perimeter check," Lana said to Cyril and Mallory who were standing near a large table filled with wines and appetizers. Pam and Ray were with them as well.
Ray told them. "Got the security cameras all set up. Everything seems all right." He was wearing a red shirt with a tan vest, tan chaps over his blue jeans and tan boots as well as his usual glove. And a cowboy hat.
"Why are you wearing a cowboy outfit again?" Lana asked Ray.
"It was Tuntson's idea," Cyril explained. "He said he wanted to appeal to the cowboy vote and since Ray had the outfit…"
"Why would he…?" Lana blinked. "Never mind. I don't want to know."
"Krieger and I just finished packing up the last of the wine crates in the Rush Van!" Pam grinned as she polished off a mini Kobe cheeseburger. "We got over twenty free cases of kick ass grape juice plus!"
"I have to admit this wine is unusually good," Mallory admitted as she took a sip from a glass. "It does surpass my expectations. Good body. Nice nose…"
"But enough about me," Pam did a Groucho Marx impression. "What do you think about the wine?"
"Where is Krieger anyway?" Ray asked.
"Setting up the sound system," Pam indicated with her thumb. "He's DJ'ing this shindig."
Krieger was at a DJ turntable/sound system. He was wearing dark sunglasses along with his usual lab coat. "Oh yeah! The Doctor is in the house! YEAHHHH!"
"Tuntson said he'd pay extra for that," Cyril explained.
"Cyril in all seriousness…" Lana began.
"Here we go," Mallory groaned. "The rainstorm on our parade at 12 O'clock."
"Actually its 2:30," Pam informed her.
"Do you really think this is our ticket to becoming real life political gladiators?" Lana asked. "These are the Tunts after all. Something always goes wrong and backfires."
"Something always goes wrong and backfires no matter what we do," Ray pointed out.
"I'm with the Cyborg Cowboy on this," Pam admitted. "Why worry about it if it's going to happen anyway?"
"Because it's the aftermath that always gets us in the end," Lana said. "And it usually ends in a complete and total disaster! And fire! Lots of fire."
"How?" Cyril gave her a look. "How is a simple security assignment at a political rally going to end in disaster and fire?"
"I don't know! I never know!" Lana said sarcastically. "That's part of the fun! And if you don't know that you haven't been paying attention all these years!"
"Speaking of not paying attention where's Sterling?" Mallory looked around.
"He's with AJ showing her the llamas," Lana explained.
"The what now?" Mallory did a double take.
"Tuntson has a herd of llamas he breeds for a hobby," Lana explained. "Apparently the need for exotic animals is genetic."
"Llamas are domesticated Lana," Cyril said. "Llamas are bred on a lot of farms for their wool, fertilized droppings and meat."
"Ewww…" Lana, Ray and Mallory winced.
"It's not that bad," Pam told them. "Kind of stringy but I like it that way."
"Do I even want to know how you know what llamas taste like?" Ray groaned. "And even as I asked the question…"
"Archer's over there," Lana pointed.
"Yes AJ! Llamas!" Archer said excitedly as AJ squealed with glee. He held her as they looked a herd of llamas from behind a fence. "Look at the llamas!"
"La! La! La! Maa! Maa!" AJ squealed with delight. She was wearing a very cute pink dress.
"Yes! Llamas! You are so smart! You are so smart!" Archer laughed as he tickled his daughter.
"Well at least Sterling now has someone who's his intellectual equal to talk to," Mallory quipped.
"I have to admit Archer really is good with her," Lana said. "But I'm still worried."
"Oh God Lana when are you not worried?" Mallory rolled her eyes.
"Lana this isn't exactly our most dangerous mission," Archer told her as he walked over with AJ. "There's barely anyone here. Unless you count the llamas."
"Yeah something tells me Clyde Tuntson is in more danger from himself than from somebody who wants to kill him for his political leanings," Ray admitted.
"You noticed that too huh?" Pam asked.
"Kind of hard not to," Ray sighed. "The man really loves those groovy gummies."
"I'm just worried about the mission," Lana said. "And I'm even more worried we brought AJ here."
"Come on Lana it'll be fine. Besides this is also a milestone for AJ," Archer said as he shifted holding AJ slightly. "A few milestones actually. This is her first time to wine country. Her first llamas. Her first political rally. They're all very important."
"I'm guessing the wine country thing is more important than the political rally," Lana said wryly.
"Wrong again Lana," Mallory sniffed. "Children need to learn early about the political process. Her being on this mission is educational."
"Oh she's getting an education all right," Lana groaned.
"Besides I like Clyde," Archer said. "I think he'd make a great senator."
"Why would you think that?" Lana asked.
"I talked to him about his policies," Archer said. "A lot of them make sense."
Let's backtrack a few hours ago shall we?
"And that's like why we should really, really work on the whole robot butler thing…" Clyde Tuntson said. He really did look and sound like Bill Hader from the Californians. "Especially if we can get the robot butler companies to run in the USA! Jobs and robot butlers for everyone man!"
"That is a good point," Archer admitted. He and Clyde were sitting in a wine cellar drinking wines.
"Also I think it should be totally legal to let sixteen year olds drink wine," Clyde went on. "Not the hard stuff. But wine like in France. They should have a class in schools to teach kids responsible drinking! That way there would be fewer drunk drivers."
"That makes so much sense," Archer realized.
"I know dude? Right?" Clyde nodded. "I mean also we should have better Driver's Ed classes. Like at my old high school we always had to do this bogus turn on Exit 25 and do the rotary on 124 down First Street to pass when it would have been so much easier to just to go to Exit 23 and take a left down to the Shake Shack, hang another left until you sling across the 495 and just parallel park dude."
"Okay…" Archer blinked. "Don't really know the local streets…"
"Also I think, I really think that taxes you know are so complicated you know?" Clyde said. "Why not make them simple you know? Make it easy you know?"
"I'm all for making things easier," Archer said.
"Plus like you know jobs are like not enough you know?" Clyde went on. "Like there aren't enough jobs for people. Take cordwainers. You can hardly find a good cordwainer nowadays."
"I was just saying that to Lana the other day!" Archer said. "I was telling her it's hard to find a good cordwainer!"
"I know dude!" Clyde agreed. "I have a guy who has his own shop. Made these awesome shoes."
"They are awesome," Archer looked. "Well made too."
"They are!" Clyde said. "But I have to drive like forever to get to him. I have to take Exit 25 then onto Exit 27 and drive a bit before taking a hard right onto Scott Street. Then I have to go forever onto Scott Street before taking a left onto Battleboro Drive and then I have to take the next left onto First Street. But I have to do it like first thing in the morning because if I don't the traffic gets so backed up on Exit 27. And don't get me started on the construction on First Street."
"Sounds like a hassle just to get good shoes," Archer admitted.
"It is," Clyde nodded. "I mean I guess I could just go to the mall if I just take Exit 23 and go on the turnpike then take the back road on Blueberry Lane and right onto Millbury Street. But I believe in like supporting small business owners you know?"
"They are the backbone of America," Archer admitted.
"Totally…" Clyde then got up and walked over to a large mirror on the wall. He started to admire himself.
"You have a mirror in your wine cellar?" Archer asked as he got up to see.
"Well yeah," Clyde said. "How else are you going to check your hair?"
"Good point," Archer said as he and Clyde admired themselves in the mirror.
Back to the present…
"I think this man may be my personal John F. Kennedy," Archer said with a smile.
"Considering the man was an incorrigible womanizer and came from a family of bootleggers that's not too far off the mark," Mallory sighed.
"Oh come on Mother," Archer gave her a look. "It's not like he's a socialist, a liar that may or may not have committed a federal crime or a loudmouth lunatic reality star!"
Mallory paused. "I'll give you that."
"Okay people should be arriving here any minute," Cheryl said as she walked over to them. "Clyde is really excited about this."
"Just out of curiosity Cheryl what party does your cousin belong to?" Mallory asked. "Is he a Republican or Democrat?"
"I don't know what you mean," Cheryl blinked.
"Is he a Republican or Democrat?" Mallory asked again.
"He's blond…." Cheryl was confused.
"Look Cheryl this is very easy," Archer said. "There are two parties and each one has an animal mascot. One is a donkey and the other is an elephant. Which is it?"
"Oh I get it!" Cheryl nodded. "It's a surfboard."
"It's a what now?" Mallory did a double take.
"Apparently it's a board you can use to ride waves out in the ocean," Cheryl said. "They were invented by the ancient Hawaiians. Originally called papa he'e naluand made from the wood ofthe Koa tree. However they were first modernized in…"
"I know what a surfboard is you idiot!" Mallory barked. "I meant what political party has a surfboard as a mascot?"
"I don't know," Cheryl blinked. "Are you saying politicians have parties? Can anyone join?"
"I should know better by now," Mallory groaned. "I should know better by now than to get intelligence from someone who has absolutely none!"
"Yeah you really should," Pam agreed. "Maybe that's why you lost your spy agency?"
At this Mallory made a strangled scream. "This mission just keeps getting better," Ray chuckled.
"I know, right?" Archer snickered.
"Here's Clyde now," Lana noticed. "Maybe he can explain?"
"What up dudes and dudettes?" Clyde walked over. He was wearing a short sleeve blue button shirt and nice tan pants and loafers.
"Clyde we were just wondering what political party you belonged to," Mallory asked nicely.
"Oh yeah, right. I should tell people that," Clyde blinked.
"That would be helpful," Cyril said.
"Wow you guys really know about all this political stuff," Clyde nodded. "I'm in the Hang Ten Party."
"Again…" Mallory let out a breath. "The what?"
"It's a party me and my bros came up with a while back," Clyde said. "Our party is for preserving surfing, winemaking, good times and having a few brewskis as the sun sets bro. Oh yeah. And the legalization of marijuana."
"No surprises on that last one," Ray muttered to Pam.
"Wait…You're not part of any officially recognized political party?" Mallory asked as her latest dreams began to shatter. "How do you expect to win?"
"Oh I know I'm not going to win!" Clyde laughed. "Shoot! I'm not in this for the votes! I'm in this for the babes!"
A honking of a horn was heard. "And speaking of babes! There are some now!" Clyde called out. "All right! Staci made it!"
"Staci?" Archer blinked as he saw a stylish white Cadillac pull up in the driveway.
"With an I," Cheryl said. "Ugh. Her…"
"Be cool Cuz," Clyde said as three very attractive young women got out of the car. "Staci! Yo!"
"Yo, Clyde…" Staci, a blond woman in a short blue dress walked over. "These are my friends Kiki and Niki."
"Yo! Welcome to the party brahs!" Clyde smiled. "So you found the place?"
"Oh yeah," Staci nodded. "We took the interstate down to 45 and then instead of going to 120 we took a right at Encino Lane and then slung on the back down to Millpond Road and then it was just a skim across Turner Drive then down the back of Tuntson Lane."
"We almost took 44 but the traffic was like totally tied up down to 137," Kiki a thin petite brunette in a green dress told him.
"Yeah 137 is like so gross," Niki a blonde in a pink dress nodded. "It's basically the 109 with worse scenery."
"Are you people just saying words and numbers at random?" Mallory was confused. "Is that a thing?"
"God I hate the 109," Staci made a bored noise. "It is like so gross."
"Totally," Clyde said. "That's why I always take 102 and just hang a left on Monroe Street then hit up 118 West to 120 South."
"118 West?" Kiki asked. "Doesn't that like take longer with all the construction backing up the 105?"
"Nah, because the construction is on the west side of the 105," Niki explained. 118 West is technically on the east side of the 105. I mean if you were going to 117 then yeah you'd hit construction especially after five but 118 is tight."
"Yeah 118 is nothing like the 117," Clyde agreed.
"Road, car, 27 traffic 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…" Mallory said. "That's all I'm hearing."
"Have you seen the new mall they put on the 117?" Kiki asked.
"Oh yeah," Staci nodded. "Have you like tried the new Juice-Tastic there. It's pretty mondo."
"Yeah but it's not a good as the one on the 405," Kiki pointed out.
"Oh yeah totally but nothing is as good as the one on the 405," Niki said.
"Well yeah that's because they get their fruit and vegetables fresh at the farmer's market in Encino and that's only a skip on the highway past the 403," Staci agreed.
"Bleep, bloop, 23 bananas!" Mallory said, clearly confused.
"This is gonna be a major memorable campaign," Clyde agreed. "Oh right! I gotta make my announcement that I'm running for senator!"
"You should do that on the podium to make it official," Cyril advised.
"Really? I did not know that," Clyde blinked. "Whoa! That's why I hired you. Excuse me."
Just then Clyde and the girls went over to a mirror nailed to a large tree and they stood there checking themselves out.
Mallory then simply blinked. "That's it. I'm checking out!" She grabbed a bottle of wine off the table. "Call me when this weekend is over!" She went off to drink the bottle.
"Called it!" Lana shouted after her.
"Oh shut up!" Mallory shouted back.
"Some political rally this is going to be," Lana sighed. "Only three people showed up and I suspect our political candidate isn't all there!"
"Hey it's still two more than Martin O'Malley in New Hampshire," Archer said. "And the one guy who did show up still wouldn't vote for him!"
"Cyril…" Lana sighed.
"Lana we're still getting paid to do a job! That's all that matters!" Cyril barked. "Let's just get this over with."
Within minutes Clyde was at the podium.
"Okay like my name is Clyde Tuntson the Third and I like am running to be senator and other cool stuff!" Clyde said cheerfully. "So like let's party!"
And with that an actual party was in full swing. Krieger was playing music, DJ'ing the event. Pam, Cheryl, Clyde, Cyril and the girls were dancing around. Mallory was soon into her second bottle of wine, grumbling to herself sitting on a chair by the snack table. Ray was drinking as well but not as much. Archer was dancing around with AJ in his arms while Lana watched.
"Wow this really is a political party," Ray snickered before he took a drink.
"Yeah this is probably what the Bud Light Party would look like if it was an actual political party," Lana groaned.
"If real political parties were like this elections would be a lot more interesting," Ray remarked.
"Well if all else fails we can always get work as party planners," Archer said as he stopped dancing with AJ.
AJ squealed with joy. "She's having a good time," Lana remarked with a smile.
"At least someone is…" Mallory grumbled as she took another swig from the bottle.
"Why don't you have another vat of wine?" Ray quipped.
"Why don't you…Oh I don't even care anymore!" Mallory grumbled. "Pick an insult!"
"You have to admit Lana this is one of our better missions," Archer said as he handed AJ to her.
"The mission's not over yet," Ray warned cautiously. "Still got a feeling something might go down. Kind of a hunch."
"Ray you just have a case of Lana-itis," Archer told him. "Even Cyril got the stick out of his ass and is having fun." He pointed to Cyril now dancing with Kiki.
"He has been more of a pill than usual lately," Ray admitted.
"Power's going to his head," Archer shrugged.
"Obviously," Lana sighed as she held AJ. AJ started to get fussy. "I think she's hungry. I'd better get her bottle."
"Might as well," Ray chuckled. "Her grandmother's got one."
"One?" Archer snorted. "She's on her third!"
"Second!" Mallory snapped. "Hang on."
Mallory took a swig and finished the bottle. She threw it away. Then grabbed another one off the table. "Now I'm on my third!"
"I'm going to get AJ's stuff in the van," Lana sighed as she walked away.
"What's her problem?" Ray asked as he nibbled on an appetizer then took another drink. "I mean shouldn't she be used to this by now?"
"I don't think she's adjusting to our new lives that well to tell the truth," Archer admitted.
"What's so new about our lives?" Mallory grumbled. "We take missions from idiot clients. You idiots screw around like idiots and party like there's no tomorrow! Meanwhile my will to live shrinks ever so slowly and my urge to kill you all grows by leaps and bounds."
"Ugh! Give it a rest Mother!" Archer rolled his eyes. "It's not the 4th of July!"
"Yeah you give this same speech every year," Ray told him. "Change the record!"
"That reminds me we need to get some decent fireworks," Archer said. "For the 4th. Or some other party."
"Cheryl told me about a place," Ray said. "You take the 114 past Weston Road and hang a left. Then go down on the 403 then take a right onto North Lane."
"I heard about that but that's no good," Archer told him. "There's a lot of construction on Weston Road. We'd be better off going down by Encino and take Stilton Drive down Route 15…"
"OH DON'T YOU TWO START NOW!" Mallory shouted.
"Speaking of starting," Pam walked over to them. "Clyde says he wants to show us something."
"Here I come brahs!" Clyde was heard yelling.
Mallory turned around and did a double take. "Oh dear God someone tell me this is a wine induced hallucination!"
"If it is it's a mass one," Ray blinked.
"YEAH!" Clyde was riding on top of a black and purple grape harvester with red flames pained on and a huge silver tail pipe on the field on the other side of the party.
"What the hell is that?" Archer blinked.
"This is the Tuntson Grape Harvester 5000! I added some nitrous oxide tank to my grape harvester!" Clyde whooped. "To make harvesting grapes twice as fast!"
"I should have thought of that," Krieger pouted.
"I'm gonna give this baby a test run," Clyde giggled drunkenly.
"Wait what?" Archer and Ray said at the same time.
"Uh Clyde…Dude!" Archer called out. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Normally I'd say not to listen to Archer," Cyril admitted. "But in this case I would."
"Don't worry dudes," Clyde waved. "I drive better when I'm a little buzzed."
"Yeah a lot of people who have car crashes say that," Archer said in a worried tone. "Seriously dude…get off the harvester."
"Can't hear you bro!" Clyde whooped as he turned on his machine. "I'm gonna turn on the afterburners and harvest a record amount of grapes in no…."
FFFFFFFFFROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Clyde screamed as the machine tore down across the field.
"Woah, look at that baby burn rubber," Krieger whistled.
"It's also burning the grape plants," Ray winced.
"Whooo! Go Clyde go! Totally awesome!" Cheryl and Staci cheered.
"CLYDE! CLYDE YOU'RE COMING IN TOO HOT!" Archer yelled. "AND I AM NOT SPEAKING FIGURATIVELY!"
"WATCH OUT!" Ray shouted. "WATCH OUT FOR THE…"
CRASH! SMASH!
"Tree…" Ray winced at the collision.
KA-FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh right," Krieger said as the vehicle exploded into flames. "The engines can't handle the extra velocity and the combination is unstable. That's why I never thought of it."
"Wow…That's one big ass explosion," Pam winced. "And a really big ass fire."
"YAAAAYYY!" Cheryl cheered.
"IT'S NOT A GOOD THING CHERYL!" Cyril yelled.
"You called it," Archer said to Ray.
"Told you," Ray said.
"Wow! What a way to go!" Cheryl giggled and jumped up and down clapping. "Lucky!"
"You are a waste of human DNA you know that?" Mallory shouted. "What is wrong with you?"
"I'm jealous! He's dying the dream!" Cheryl told her.
"Well why don't you just jump in there and off yourself?" Mallory snapped.
"Ugh. It doesn't work like that," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "You have to be in the center of an explosion!"
"Good to know!" Mallory snarled.
"Oh my God! Is Clyde okay?" Kiki gasped.
"You mean the man currently being burned to a crisp after crashing into a tree riding a crazy grape harvesting machine going ninety miles per hour?" Pam asked sarcastically.
"Yeah! Is he okay?" Kiki asked.
"Wow…" Pam rolled her eyes.
"Should we be doing something?" Cyril asked.
"How about calling 911 and the fire department?" Ray snapped. "That would be a start!"
"Oh right!" Cyril got his cell phone out and went to make the call.
"What the hell happened?" Lana asked as she walked over with AJ. "I heard a crash and…Holy….What did Krieger do this time?"
"It wasn't me! For once!" Krieger pouted. "I'm not the idiot who put a souped up nitrous oxide tank on a grape harvester then didn't think to reinforce the breaks!"
"Which Clyde really should have," Ray winced.
"You mean he…?" Lana did a double take.
"Yup," Ray sighed.
"And then…?" Lana's jaw dropped.
"Uh huh…" Ray sighed.
"And now…?" Lana was stunned.
"Bingo," Ray nodded.
"I knew it!" Lana groaned.
"Oh my god!" Staci gasped. "The traffic around here is going to be so bad! It's going to be like the 105!"
"And that is why AJ you never drink and drive farm equipment," Pam said. "As several of my relatives also found out the hard way."
"This might affect our payment," Krieger winced.
"You think?" Lana barked.
"So like is he okay or what?" Kiki asked. Everyone looked at her in disbelief.
THREE DAYS LATER…
"Another milestone in AJ's life," Lana sighed as she held AJ. "Baby's first funeral."
"And knowing this group, the first of many," Ray sighed.
"Well on the bright side at least we're all getting paid," Cyril said weakly. The gang was wearing black and sitting in a church. "Not as much as I thought but we're all getting paid."
"I had to pay you," Cheryl said. "I needed to have somebody carry the coffin. And have people show up at the funeral."
"Why are we the only ones here?" Lana asked. AJ was sound asleep in her arms.
"One my brother and his stupid gross girlfriend Tiffy couldn't make it," Cheryl breathed out a puff of air of annoyance.
"Why not?" Ray asked.
"Because he's a pallbearer at another one of my relative's funerals," Cheryl grumbled. "Like Great Uncle Tyrone couldn't wait a few extra days to kick the bucket! He was 99! What could it have hurt?"
"Kind of like getting picked off at the one yard line," Archer remarked.
"Yeah but Cecil is getting like a small fortune from him so I can see his point," Cheryl waved. "And out of the two funerals I'd rather go to this one. Uncle Tyrone was so creepy. Ick!"
"Well what about the Tuntsons?" Lana asked.
"The Tuntson side of the family doesn't believe in going to funerals," Cheryl explained. "Especially when other Tunts are attending. Kind of has to do with a funeral that went really badly back in the day. Long story. Lotta dead people. Don't ask."
"I don't think I will," Archer groaned as he took a sip from a flask.
"I don't know," Mallory glared at Cheryl. "A story where a lot of Tunts are dead sounds like a laugh to me."
"Oh no," Cheryl snickered. "It's not the Tunts who died. Just our enemies. And their servants. And a minister that got caught in the crossfire. And some animal sacrifices. And possibly one homeless guy that just happened to be there at the wrong time."
"Never mind," Mallory grumbled.
"Don't worry guys!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "After all his back taxes are paid up our agency will get the money. And best of all I got Tuntson Vines in the will! So we all have a vineyard now!"
"How do you know that?" Ray did a double take.
"Because when Clyde did his will last year he asked me what I wanted and I asked for the vineyard," Cheryl told them.
"And the rich get richer," Archer quipped.
"And we finally get a break!" Mallory's eyes lit up. "This is it! Our ship has come in!"
"Uh Ms. Archer," Cheryl whispered nervously. "There are no ships here. This is a church. And we're at a funeral."
"I know that you…" Mallory caught herself. "I was speaking figuratively."
"Ohhhhh," Cheryl nodded. "Because I was wondering where you saw a ship and I looked around…"
"Wait now we're going to run a vineyard?" Lana did a double take. "Seriously?"
"Why not? A vineyard is respectable!" Mallory's eyes lit up. "It's trendy! It's…"
"A never ending source of alcohol," Lana gave her a look.
"Bingo!" Mallory said. "We can forget about this private eye nonsense and concentrate on creating the best damn wines this side of France!"
"You realize that none of us knows how to run a vineyard," Lana sighed.
"Then we'll get one of those books for Dummies!" Cyril snapped.
"Your words," Lana said.
"Come on Lana," Archer said. "It's a vineyard! How hard could it be to run a vineyard?"
TWO MORE DAYS LATER…
Tuntson Vines was on fire.
Literally.
The houses and barns were in flames. The fields were burning into the night.
And the members of the Figgis Agency stood there on the sidelines, Except for Lana and AJ their clothes slightly singed and looking stunned.
Lana still looked stunned despite her looking unsinged. AJ seemed to be quite happy watching the fire. And truth be told Cheryl had a happy stunned look on her face.
But the consensus on most of the agency was flat out stunned.
"Wow," Archer blinked. "That blew up in our face really fast."
"It did," Ray admitted. "It really did."
"I mean even for us…" Archer admitted. "That went really bad really fast."
"I blame the llamas," Ray admitted.
"Well they certainly did their part I admit," Archer remarked.
"I may have put too many genetic altering chemicals into their feed," Krieger admitted.
Cut to a scene were a herd of llamas were rampaging across some fields and vines that were not on fire. And spitting acid on plants which withered and died at the touch of their lethal spit.
Back to the gang.
"I was going for strength, thicker wool and a more passive nature," Krieger protested. "I have no idea where the acid spit came from. The formula must have mutated differently in an actual llama's system."
"Well you got the stronger part right," Ray looked over to one barn that had a huge hole on the side. "Those things burst out of the barn like the Kool-Aid Man."
"Well at least they don't breathe fire," Pam shrugged.
"Not yet," Krieger told him.
"Wait you said actual llamas?" Cyril did a double take. "What did you test it on first?"
"Uhhhh….." Krieger stalled.
Somewhere in a field nearby…
"Baaaaahhhh!" A sheep with wool at least three times its body size bleated. The sheep in the field were so full of wool only their snouts were visible. One of the sheep fell to the side because it couldn't stand the weight of its wool.
Back to the gang…
"Wait this vineyard doesn't have sheep," Pam realized.
"I know," Krieger nodded. "I tested the grain on the sheep that belong to the farm down the road. You know the one on Route 12, take a left on Shepard Lane…"
"Krieger not you too!" Mallory barked. "Seriously! Is there something in the water here that addles people's brains?"
She glared at her son, Ray and Pam. "Not that you three idiots would know!"
"How were we supposed to know a gas line was under where we were going to dig a well?" Archer barked. "Besides Pam and Ray are to blame!"
"WHAT?" Pam and Ray glared at him.
"It was Ray's stupid cigarette that lit the flames and nearly blew us up to kingdom come!" Archer went on. "And it was Pam's sloppy digging that made a mess of half the vineyard as well as…"
He looked to the side where he saw a wrecked well digging machine crumpled next to a building on fire. "You know?"
"You're the one who picked the damn location in the first place!" Ray snapped.
"Yeah!" Pam snapped. "And I only drove the damn thing after you wrecked the mini bulldozer!" She pointed to another wrecked vehicle. This one was crumpled next to a large stone wall.
"Those brakes are tricky," Archer admitted. "And I'm pretty sure there was something wrong with the gears."
"It wasn't the gears that were defective!" Pam snapped. "It was your lame ass driving!"
"This is another wonderful milestone. Baby's first arson incident," Lana groaned as AJ squealed with delight.
"It's not technically arson if the fire started by accident!" Cheryl said. "Arson only counts if the fire was intentional."
"And she would know," Ray said.
"Hey we wouldn't have been out there in the first place if Mother hadn't scared off all field hands!" Archer protested. "This is technically her fault!"
"Okay maybe threating them with my gun and deportation on the first day may have been a bit too strong?" Mallory grumbled.
"Not to mention the castration comments," Lana glared at her.
"How was I supposed to know they all spoke English?" Mallory snapped.
"The fact that they actually spoke English should have been a clue!" Lana snapped.
"Of course you'd know that!" Mallory snapped. "You were the one who convinced them to go on strike Norma Rae!"
"I was just pointing out that if they had a union or something they could take to the collective bargaining table…" Lana began.
"Oh put a cork in it Lana Chavez!" Pam snapped.
"This is all your fault Lana!" Mallory snapped. "I wouldn't have had to try to put the fear of God into those field hands if you hadn't convinced them that they could get more money!"
"They were going to leave anyway due to the burns some of them received thanks to Cheryl!" Lana shouted.
"Yeah in hindsight letting her shoot off fireworks in the field was a bad idea," Archer admitted.
"And that's how the other half of the vineyard caught on fire!" Ray groaned. "As well as the damn main house!"
"That was so much fun!" Cheryl giggled. "But in hindsight yeah I really shouldn't have done that. But I wouldn't have if Cyril didn't let me!"
"Let you do it?" Cyril shouted. "I NEVER LET YOU DO IT! YOU SET OFF THOSE FIREWORKS ALL ON YOUR OWN!"
"Still should have managed me better," Cheryl shrugged.
"Yeah Cyril!" Archer snapped.
"Uh y'all as much as I'd like to continue this blame session we have bigger problems," Ray noticed.
"What do you mean?" Archer asked.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh….That," Archer winced as something in the distance exploded. "What was that?"
"Looks like something else filled with gas exploded," Pam winced. "Another machine most likely."
"It looks like that fire is spreading to the other vineyard next door," Ray gulped. "Should we do something?"
"Yes," Cyril said. "We should run. Far away. And pretend we were never here."
"After we call the fire department!" Lana barked.
The sounds of sirens permeated the night. "Sounds like they've already been alerted," Cyril gulped. "So there's no need for us to be here and answer a lot of questions! Let's go! Back to LA!"
"If anyone asks we'll just say there was an accident on the 403 which is usually congested so we had to take Route…" Lana began as they all ran for the hills. "Oh God! Now I'm doing it!"
Mallory groaned. "Why is it every time our ship comes in the boat sinks at the dock?"