This story is the sequel to "Come Tumbling Down", so please read that one first. :) There are trigger warnings with this story, because it deals with the subjects of rape and self harm. Beth will be pretty OOC because of the PTSD and anxiety she is suffering from. It gets pretty dark, so please be warned. Hope you enjoy.

xxx

"I feel like just I'm sinking

And I claw for solid ground

I'm pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

Oh darkness I feel like letting go."

xxx

The first thing Beth became aware of was the pounding beat of The Spice Girls song "Wannabe" and Tracy's somewhat off key voice warbling along to the lyrics. She cracked one eye open, confused, and took in the lush, rolling landscape whizzing by outside the window.

"Morning, sunshine," Tracy said cheerfully, poking her in the side. "Did you have a nice nap?"

She could hear Janice and Amanda chuckling in the front seat.

"I told you the music was too loud," Amanda admonished.

"Not to mention the, um, interesting singing to go along with it," Janice added.

Beth stretched and shot her best friend a smile, Tracy grinning back at her. It was good to see her in such a happy mood. She shook herself out of her sleepy daze, remembering that they were in Amanda's SVU, on the way to her parents' cottage in Lake Tahoe, several hours away from the hustle and bustle of downtown Los Angeles. Jack and Ben, along with Vicki Gregg, were holding down the fort at the Threat Assessment Unit while she and Janice took a week off, along with Amanda and Tracy.

Beth had not been on board with this apparently much-needed vacation, but had finally caved after weeks of begging and pleading from Tracy, and then finally being told by Amanda that they were able to have the cottage for the entire week but she would call the whole thing off if Beth didn't join them. She had rolled her eyes, realizing she was being played, but also knowing that she couldn't ruin it for the rest of them. Janice had been uncharacteristically quiet about the whole thing and Beth honestly wasn't sure if her co-worker was glad to have her along for the trip or not. Things hadn't been the same between she and Janice since the whole ordeal with Ray and Perry. Beth knew that it was her fault but she didn't know how to fix things at this point, and she wasn't sure if she was capable of even trying. All she knew was that she missed Janice terribly.

She watched her co-worker laughing in the front seat with Amanda and felt a pang of intense sadness. So many times over the past several months she had wanted to call Janice, to curl up in her arms and cry, like she used to do when everything had become overwhelming. But so much had changed since her time in the cabin with Ray. She was a different person now. That person who had come crawling out her shell while Ray and Perry were on the loose, the one who drank beer and played games with Jack and Ben, the one who slept in the same bed as Janice and basically had her move in, the one who had learned to ask for help and take comfort from others, was gone.

It was like it was before, with Tracy being the only person she really spoke to and saw outside of work, but even that was different. Tracy was open and honest about her own ordeal at the hands of Ray and Perry, and was seeking help for her PTSD in the form of a therapist and support group, and seemed to be doing better. She was back at work at her restaurant and sleeping well again. Beth was more than happy to help her through her rough times but couldn't open up about what she herself had gone through, even with her best friend. It was like she had been forcibly sucked back into that shell, never to emerge again.

The world she lived in now was so black and hopeless, and was somehow even worse than after her family had died. But she was alone in it now. She knew that was entirely her own doing, but just couldn't make the choice to reach out for help.

She felt a hand wrap around hers and looked over to see Tracy squeezing her fingers. "You okay?" she mouthed.

Beth nodded and forced a smile, resisting the urge to pull her hand away.

Tracy looked like she was going to say something else, but they realized that the SUV was pulling over to the side of the road. They were only halfway to their destination, so Beth wondered why they were stopping.

"Hey, what's up?" Tracy asked. "Pit stop?"

"I actually need someone else to drive the rest of the way, sorry," Amanda said. "I've had a headache for most of the day and it's been getting worse for the past while. I can help with directions. I just need to close my eyes for a little bit."

The guilt washed over Beth immediately, and she tried to push it down. Amanda had been coping with migraines since she had been accosted by Ray outside Jack's house and had her head smashed against her car door. That had happened the night before Beth had been abducted and Ben had been shot. Thinking of Ben made the guilt ratchet up even further. Even though he was doing better now as well, and had been back at work for quite awhile, it had been touch and go at first, with a few surgeries and physical therapy and two full months off work. He, like Amanda and Tracy, would likely have lifelong deficits from their ordeals, either mental or physical or both.

"Here, Amanda, take some Tylenol," Janice said, producing a bottle of pills from her purse. "Switch seats with me and I'll drive."

"No, I'll drive, Janice," Tracy said. "You've been putting in long hours. You guys just take a break and I'll get us there, no problem." She smiled at Amanda as the blonde lawyer got out of the driver's seat. "You okay, honey?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Amanda replied, although she looked a little unsteady on her feet. "Janice, do you mind if I sit in your seat? I can tilt it back and take some of the pressure off my head."

"Oh, sure, whatever you need." Janice thew Beth a quick glance and then got out of the car, letting Amanda sit in the passenger seat.

Beth moved into the middle seat in the back, as Amanda tilted her seat back and closed her eyes, and Janice got back into the car, settling into the seat beside her. She suddenly felt closed in and uncomfortable and wished Tracy was beside her again.

"Hey, Beth," Janice said softly, smiling at her, their arms brushing against each other from sitting so close. "How's it going?"

"It's going fine," Beth replied, smiling tightly back at her.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." Janice directed her gaze out the window, stifling a sigh.

Beth glanced over at the other woman, unable to shake the hopeless feeling that had consumed her. She was crushingly lonely, despite being surrounded by her friends and co-workers. Janice looked sad and beautiful and Beth wanted to reach out and take her hand, to feel that connection between them again. She had grown out her short strawberry blonde hair over the past several months and it was pulled back into a ponytail that hung to her shoulder blades. She was wearing a green and white sleeveless blouse and jean shorts, and Beth noticed goosebumps on her arms, likely from the air conditioning.

She reached onto the floor behind the passenger seat and pulled a thin pink blanket out of one of the many bags crammed into the SUV. She held it out to Janice. "Here."

Janice looked over at her in surprise. "What's that for?"

Beth shrugged. "You have goosebumps on your arms. You're cold."

Janice smiled at her again. "Thanks." She pulled the blanket over her lap and looked at her boss for a moment, her eyes unreadable. Then she turned back to the window.

Beth leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes. Janice didn't deserve to be treated the way she had been treating her since she had been rescued from Ray. She and Jack had been instrumental in finding her. They hadn't given up.

Sometimes, though, she wished they had.

xxx

"I can't stop how I'm feeling

It's like I need you

And if you let me, I can fix you

Let me fix you."

xxx

Janice stared out the window at the gorgeous landscape. She should feel happy right now. She had an entire week off from the TAU, and she was on her way to an amazing destination with three woman that she had grown to love over the past years and months. The sun was shining and it was peaceful in a way it hadn't been several months back. The peace was an uneasy one, though, or that's how Janice felt. Even though Ray and Perry were both dead, she was somehow still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She glanced over at her boss, seeing that Beth had fallen asleep again, her head turned slightly away from Janice, her breathing deep and even. Amanda had put the passenger seat back into its upright position and was directing Tracy on which road to turn down. They were talking softly, giggling from time to time, and Janice's lips quirked into a half smile as she listened to them. Despite all the horrible things that had happened, Beth's abduction, Ben's shooting, the awful events had cemented the friendships between all the women in the car.

Well, it had cemented the friendships between Janice, Amanda, and Tracy. Beth was another story. She had regressed in all of her relationships since being rescued from the cabin that Ray had taken her to. As quickly as she and Janice had bonded, to the point of crossing over to something more than friendship, it had fizzled out faster than it had started, as soon as Beth had been found. She had immediately moved in with Tracy for an entire month afterwards, and Janice had returned to her lonely apartment. Nothing Janice had done had made a difference. At first she had pushed to see Beth constantly, trying to get her to open up about what had happened, and when that hadn't worked, she had stepped back to give her some space, with the expectation that it would only be temporary. Beth had been off work for a few weeks, and when she came back, it was the way it had been for the four years prior. They were co-workers and nothing more. She had been just as distant with Jack and Amanda. The tension had eased a little after Ben had finally returned to work two months later, after multiple surgeries and a lot of rehab. They slowly became a team again, and even spent a few evenings together here and there, enjoying pizza and beer and movies. But it wasn't the same.

Things had changed a lot in the past several months. Beth had sold her house and moved into a high rise apartment with excellent security. Amanda had broken up with her boyfriend Trent and gotten back together with Jack. They were now living together with their son Ethan. Ben was in a serious relationship with a woman who worked in the anti-terrorism unit, and Janice was dating Molly on and off, the woman she had picked up in a bar because of her resemblance to Beth. She had to admit that that part was awkward, but she hadn't introduced Molly to the rest of the team, and she was similar to her boss in looks only. They were worlds apart, personality wise, and they broke up and got back together every other week, it seemed. It was a contentious relationship, but Janice enjoyed the sex and she needed the distraction. Molly was several years younger and her maturity level was sometimes an issue, but she was fun when she wasn't being a high maintenance bitch.

But Janice was completely heartbroken. Her love for Beth had not disappeared, and in fact, had only grown stronger over the months. It killed her to see the other woman in such pain. Beth hid it well, she had to admit, but because of their time living together and how close they had become, she could read the signs. She knew Beth wasn't sleeping or eating much. She suspected that, like Tracy, she was suffering from PTSD, but unlike Tracy, was not doing anything about it. She had been forced to see the department psychologist for a mandatory assessment and counseling, following the abduction, but had stopped as soon as she was allowed. Janice only knew these things because Tracy kept her informed, as much as she was able, without betraying Beth's confidence.

Tracy had had a very rough go in the aftermath of her own abduction by Ray and finding out that she had been used by Perry as a pawn to get to Beth, but had been proactive in getting help afterwards. She saw a psychiatrist every week and was part of a support group that met twice a month. She had made friends with a few of the women there and was working full time at her job again. As far as Janice could tell, she was doing a hell of a lot better than Beth was.

The other woman made a soft noise in her sleep, and Janice turned to look at her, noticing that Beth was frowning and her breathing was faster. Her heart clenched, wondering how many nightmares Beth had suffered by herself, how many times she had awakened screaming, only to find that she was alone.

Amanda and Tracy were engrossed in conversation in the front seat and didn't notice Beth's distress. Janice didn't want to alert them to what was going on, so she laid a hand on the other woman's arm and shook her lightly. "Wake up," she whispered. "It's okay."

Beth's eyes flew open, looking around wildly, before locking on Janice's worried gaze.

"It's alright, you were just dreaming," Janice whispered. "You're safe. You're in the car with us. It's just us girls." Her hand was still gripping Beth's arm, her thumb rubbing back and forth soothingly.

Beth stared at her for a moment and then nodded, her breathing slowing down. Janice longed to put her arms around her and pull her close, like she used to do, but just kept her hand on the smaller woman's arm, gently stroking her soft skin. Frankly she was shocked that Beth was letting her touch her at all. Her boss was great at keeping her distance from everyone, both physically and emotionally, and for months now, the two of them had done barely more than accidentally brush up against each other. Janice noticed that even though Amanda had put the passenger seat back up and there was space behind it again, Beth had not moved back over to her previous seat. She took that as a good sign and a step in the right direction.

"Are you alright?" she asked softly, her thumb still rubbing slow circles on her boss' arm.

Beth looked at Janice and her eyes shimmered with tears for a second before she blinked and they were gone. She opened her mouth to say something, but just then Tracy let out a squeal from the driver's seat and cranked up the volume on the radio.

"Oh, I love this song!" she shrieked and Amanda started laughing.

Like a spell had broken, Beth pulled away from her, and Janice sighed. It was too hard to have any kind of intimate conversation with the others in the car. Maybe they would get some alone time once they got to the cottage. They were going to be there for an entire week, after all. Janice doubted all four of them would be spending every waking hour together. Or she hoped they wouldn't be, anyway.

Bruno Mars' "Uptown Funk" came bursting through the speakers, and Tracy immediately started singing. She was soon joined by Amanda, who had a surprisingly good voice, when she wasn't laughing at Tracy's antics. Tracy was adding her own actions to the song and Amanda chastised her through chuckles to keep her hands on the wheel.

The pounding beat and her friends' enthusiasm was contagious, and Janice began to sing as well. She glanced over at Beth and saw a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Come on, Beth!" Tracy yelled, angling the rear view mirror toward her best friend. "You know this song! How many times have we listened to it?"

Beth shook her head and laughed, and then threw back her head, and joined in, quite loudly. Tracy and Amanda exchanged surprised glances in the front seat, and Janice turned to look at Beth with a giant grin. Beth grinned back and the four of them sang their hearts out for the rest of the song. When it was over, they all burst out laughing and there was a round of applause.

Janice glanced at Beth as everyone settled back down, and noticed a sparkle in her eye and the smile on her lips. She suddenly felt so much lighter. Maybe this trip would be good for all of them.

xxx

*Song lyrics are from Sarah Mclachlan's "Full of Grace" and Vita Chambers' "Fix You"