"Hey Laura," Conner says, looking back at me. "You sure this is where we're supposed to go?"
I roll my eyes at him and look up from the map in my hands. I'm sitting on an overturned log while our group takes a short break. It's been about a half hour since we left the truck, and we still haven't found the shop. I remember that old building from before the dead, when my father told me it was a machine repair shop. Even though I've mentioned this to Conner many times, he still doesn't believe me.
"Maybe the women you associate with are too stupid to follow directions," I say. "But unlike them I have more than grade school reading comprehension skills. I think I know what I'm doing."
Dwight snorts next to me, taking another drink from his canteen before offering some to me. I take a drink, ignoring Conner's scowl. I need to keep hydrated. This day has been rough on my body, and it can't be good for my baby to be straining myself like this.
No one except Tyler knows about my pregnancy, and he's promised to stay quiet. Tyler was a part of my previous group before we were offered a place among the Saviors. I'm not going to let myself sit on the sidelines when I'm more than able to pull my weight around here. I need to prove myself to these men and I'll be damned if I let this opportunity slip away.
"Christ, no reason to get snippy," Conner says, smirking. "Or is it our time of the month?"
"Oh, you have no idea what I'm capable of," I say. "If I was on my period I would have ripped your heart out and thrown it to the Walkers for that little comment."
Both men laugh along with me. They always enjoy it when I shoot the shit with them and play along with their jokes. Having grown up with two older brothers prepared me for moments like these. If it keeps them happy, I'll do what it takes to stay in their good graces.
Tyler is leaning up against a nearby tree, staring off into the distance. When I told him that I'm pregnant he's had a hard time looking at me since. He blames himself for not protecting me better, as if he could've prevented this. He doesn't seem to listen to me when I tell him that nothing could've been done.
Frank steps out from behind the trees, wiping the Walker grime off of his crowbar. Flicking the guts from his glove and onto the ground, he lets out a disgusted grunt.
"Should be safe for a few minutes," Frank says, plucking a cigarette from his pocket and lighting up. I wish he wouldn't do that, at least not around me.
"So how far away are we from this place?" Dwight asks, leaning back on the log.
"Not too far now, give it ten more minutes on foot is all," I say.
"It would have been easier to clear the fucking road," Conner says.
"Does it look like we have the manpower to do that?" Dwight asks, sweeping his arm over us. "Besides, none of us knew what we'd come across out here."
Conner glares at Dwight before throwing his hands up in defeat. He bums a cigarette off of Frank and paces in front of us. Tyler stares at his boots now.
"We could have gone back for more men!" Conner yells in his usual thug-like tone.
"And waste the gas to make more trips?" Dwight asks. "Let the rest of us make the big decisions, okay Conner?"
"Don't act like that with me asshole!"
"Give it up," Frank says as he takes another drag. "What's done is done."
"Oh, so you're on Dwight's side?" Conner asks.
"Quiet," I say. "You want to attract more walkers?"
"Come off it. Like you've been full of great decisions so far missy," Conner says, finishing his cigarette and stomping it into the ground. "The only reason anyone is listening to you is cause the boss has a hard-on for you."
"Excuse me? I don't think I head you correctly. Mind repeating that?" I ask, kicking my heels into the dirt as I walk up to Conner. We stand toe-to-toe, with Conner standing a head taller than me. He grins and opens his arms wide as if the three other men were a captive audience.
"You heard me. The only reason he lets you come with us on these scouting missions is so he has something pretty to look at while he's away from his wives," Conner says, sneering.
"Conner, I will bet my handsomest fucking nut that Laura will skin your ass if you don't shut the fuck up," a familiar voice booms behind me. "You're as petty as one of my wives for fuck's sake."
I quickly glance over my shoulder and see Negan emerging from the bushes, zipping his pants up as he walks. That cocky grin of his is plastered on his face while he looks down at the rest of us. He grabs Lucille, his barbed wire bat, from under his arm and sets it on his shoulder.
"And while I do have a raging hard-on for Laura's fine ass," Negan says, smirking. "Her little plan was enough to get me on board. In more ways than one."
Conner shakes his head while Frank and Dwight chuckle along with Negan. Ah yes, it wouldn't be a "boy's gathering" if not for the sexual jokes directed towards me. It's a sausage party and I'm the only girl around for miles.
It'd be easier to bear if Negan wasn't so blatantly obvious in his "seduction methods" these past few weeks. It's kind of easy to figure out a man's intentions when he mentions that "your jeans look great, but they'd look better around your ankles." He keeps his hands to himself though, and hasn't gone beyond teasing me.
There's far worse leaders out there. Negan's a cake walk compared to some of the men I've had the displeasure of meeting.
"I'm flattered," I say as I sit back down. I sigh as Negan squeezes himself in between Dwight and I. "But this is far more important right now than fixating on things that will never happen."
"Alright, alright. Fuck hon," Negan chuckled. "You know how to kick a man while he's down, huh?"
After that, we discuss our next plan. Negan is actually a valuable asset, regardless of his colorful vocabulary. For every course of action I suggest, Negan has three or four steps planned out ahead for where to go next. I would say he's over-prepared, but then again, can one be over-prepared for the apocalypse?
Dwight chimes in off and on, adding his input as Negan's right hand. Dwight isn't all that bad either and he's proven himself as someone who can be stealthy in tough situations. Dwight was the one who brought my plan to Negan's attention in the first place. He gave me this shot and I hope I won't let them down.
"Christ guys, I'm going to have to get a perm by the time this is over," Conner groans as he runs his hand over his shaved head.
"I'm sorry Princess Conner, but your ugly ass still wouldn't be able to get a date to the prince's ball even with a fucking perm," Negan says, smirking. "Unless you're into men, and then maybe Frank might be interested in sucking your dick."
"The fuck was that for?" Frank whines.
"Even if I was gay I wouldn't hit that," Conner snickers as Frank smacks him in the shoulder.
"We could have been there by now if we didn't stop to bitch and moan about what to do next," Tyler grunts from his spot by the tree.
"And to think I forgot about this pretty boy fuck over here," Negan laughs, pulling himself up to his full height. "Sorry, the fuck are you even here for? Oh right, because you were all fucking starving and begging for me to feed you like a fucking mother bird when my men found you sorry fucks.
"Well news flash, pissant," Negan says as he shoves Tyler back into the tree, sneering down at him. "I regurgitated fucking food and shelter for you assholes to gorge yourselves on. I really don't think it's your place to judge how shit gets done around here, especially because your esteemed fucking colleague Laura is pulling her weight without so much as a complaint! Got it?"
Tyler nods and Negan walks back over to where I'm now standing. I feel cowardly for not intervening, but like Negan said, we're in his debt. Best not to question his methods.
"Al-fucking-righty then," Negan says, his smile returning as his attention returns to me. "Lead the way princess. We wouldn't want to waste anymore of the pretty boy's time, would we?"
I give an apologetic look over to Tyler. He ignores me by staring off in another direction. I shake it off and continue forward. If he wants to ignore me, fine. Now isn't the time to make a scene.
Frank and Conner lead the group further into the woods as Negan and I follow them. Tyler and Dwight take up the back of our group, making sure the dead don't tail us too closely. Without much complaint, Frank and Conner follow my directions and clear the few walkers we come across.
Negan sometimes strays from us to introduce Lucille to the Walkers. It only takes him a single swing to knock them out of commission. Even today, one of his better days, he still brutally mauls them without batting an eye. More reason not to cross him.
Out of the blue, Frank runs off into the distance with an excited cry.
"Don't break formation, asshole!" Conner shouts, running to catch up with him.
"Motherfuckers," Negan says as he runs his hand through his hair, heading off as well.
Tyler, Dwight, and I break into a jog to see what the fuss is about. I lag behind, trying to conserve my energy for the strenuous trip we'll have to make back to the truck.
I stand next to Negan and the others outside of the building. Conner is giving Frank a smack upside the head as Frank sheepishly apologizes to Negan for running off. Negan grunts as he looks up at the dilapidated building.
The building itself is still standing, but barely. It looks like it was the site of a fire, but the brick persisted in holding the place together. Most of the windows are broken through with glass scattered in the dirt below. Vines and brambles had been curling their way skywards along the cracking walls, as if they alone could hold it together.
Damn it all. I was so sure this would be the thing to make Negan see me as an asset instead of a liability. Negan doesn't like having many women out scavenging save for Tara, one of the original members of the Saviors. All I've done is give Negan a dead lead and started a wild goose chase out in the middle of nowhere to find this place.
Conner gives me a condescending smirk, pleased to know he was right. Negan is still staring at the building, focused on one of the windows. His lips slowly curl into a smirk.
"Well boss, seems like this was a bust," Conner says. "I guess we should head-"
Negan slaps his hand over Conner's mouth with a loud smack. Conner furrows his brow and knocks Negan's hand away. Before he can complain, Negan points his finger up at the window.
"We've got company boys," Negan says in a hushed whisper.
"Are we going to go in?" Dwight asks, readying his crossbow.
"Fuck yeah," Negan says, swinging Lucille onto his shoulder. "See what all they got. Now, it's probably going to be full of places for these assholes to hide. I want you all to be careful. Don't split up, stick together. If I lose any of you fuckers to these guys I will have your hide, understand?"
We all nod. My hand hovers around my holstered knife. Negan pairs himself with Dwight, Conner and Frank stay together, and I'm left with Tyler.
Tyler and I make our way in after everyone else. I do my best to step around the broken glass, but it still manages to crunch loudly underneath my boots.
Wiping his dark bangs out of his eyes, Tyler nods towards one of the downstairs rooms. The other four had already gone upstairs so it was better to investigate down here. I followed behind Tyler, who was focused intently on the doorway as he unsheathed his knife.
He knows what he's doing. Tyler grew up an army brat and had picked up a thing or two during his time on bases all over the world. At only 19, he's more valuable than anyone else his age that I've met so far. He's like a little brother to me, and he returned the favor by always looking out for me. That's why his silence is hurting so badly. I don't want him to feel like he failed in protecting me. There was nothing that could be done then, and nothing that can be done now.
He slowly peeks his head through the door and around the corners. He holds his hand out, gesturing for me to stay outside. I watch his back as he checks the closet for survivors. When he leaves the room, we repeat this process for the rest of the rooms in the hall.
Nothing, not even a crumb. Only one way to go now. Up.
Tyler turns to make his way back to the stairwell, but I grip his shoulder and spin him around.
"Talk to me," I tell him.
"There's nothing to talk about," Tyler mumbles.
"Bullshit. I don't want what happened to me to put a wedge between us."
"I told you I would always protect you!" Tyler says as he looks down at his feet. "And I couldn't even do that right. I can't do anything right."
"Nothing can be done about that anymore! Don't you see?" I ask as I grab his arms. "If you check out on me now, you're going back on your word. If you want to protect me, talk to me. Help me through this. You mean so much to me, and if I lose you I'll be devastated. I need you here Tyler."
I pull his lanky figure into mine, hugging him tightly. After a moment he returns the gesture. As he rubs my back he whispers apologies into my ear. I pull back and put my hands on his neck, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He blushes slightly and gives me a lopsided smile.
A shot rings through the air as we jolt back to reality. Tyler pulls me behind him, covering me as he looks around. Yelling can be heard from upstairs along with another gunshot.
"I gave you one fucking job Frank! You asshole!" Negan's voice cries out.
We bolt for the stairs. Tyler reaches them first, keeping me behind him. He crouches down and turns right at the top of the landing.
When I make it to the others, I catch what's happening in the open doorway. The gunshots have stopped, but they've been replaced by a sickening, squelching sound. I see three people on the floor with Negan bringing Lucille down on a fourth. Dwight is panting against the door frame as he nurses a graze mark left by a wayward bullet.
"Frank got it," Conner says as he steps out of the doorway.
Conner puts his pistol up to his head and imitates a gunshot, sound effects and all.
That man's not right in the head.
Negan doesn't seem to be either. He's wearing a grin as he looks back at us, wiping the blood spatter from his face. When he turns back towards the body however, his shoulders slump slightly. The woman sprawled on the floor at his feet holds a gun in her hand.
He shakes his head as he collects the weapons from the corpses, handing them to Tyler as he leaves the bodies. He also hands him Frank's crowbar. Tyler hands that off to me, and I can still feel the warmth of Frank's tight grip radiating from it.
I'll never get used to this senseless fighting.
"You okay Dwight?" Negan asks.
"Just got to put some pressure on it is all," Dwight says. "I can clean it up when we get back."
"Good. Alright, let's look for their supplies. Got to be around here somewhere."
I slip away from the others so I can clear my head. I know that it's kill or be killed out here, but it still hurts just the same. If Negan's somber attitude toward the dead woman was any indication, then it's still painful for him too. However, his feelings can't get in the way of his leadership because he has to set an example for his men.
I enter a small room and take in the surroundings. A yellowing mattress is pushed against the corner, with a blue duffel bag sitting next to it. The wallpaper is peeling, flaking off in piles on the floor.
I crouch down and open the bag. There's not much, but I do find some granola bars, mouthwash, and half a roll of toilet paper. It's still better than nothing. I stuff Frank's crowbar inside and slump it over my shoulder before making my way to the others.
As I'm leaving I notice a closet by the doorway that I missed. There's no door handle, probably ripped out by someone. I slide my fingers through the hole where the handle would be and push the door aside.
The sound of the shot registers before the pain does. My thigh… I drop to the ground, howling in pain. I clutch my leg and feel sick at the sight of my wound. My eyes shoot up to the closet and see a small girl shaking inside. She's holding the gun out in front of her with a stuffed bunny in her lap, tears streaming down her dirty cheeks.
"Please, please, please-" I whimper, holding my bloodied hand in front of my face in surrender. The other hand clutches my stomach, my baby. "Please, I won't hurt you honey-"
Conner is the first into the room, pointing the gun at the closet. I shout at him. The shot rings in my ears and I press my face into the floor. She couldn't have been more than seven. She was just scared, she made a mistake.
Tyler dives next to me and rips off his sleeve. As he ties it to my thigh, Negan stands beside a shell shocked Conner. I see the remorse in Conner's eyes that was absent only a few moments ago, when he was mocking Frank's death.
Without a word, Negan turns and drives his foot into the drywall next to the closet. He runs his hands through his slicked hair, letting out a shaky breath. He grabs Conner by his jacket collar and throws him against the wall and shouts in his face.
"Did you have a single fucking hesitation!? Did you not think for a goddamn second-"
"She was being shot at!" Conner stammers. "I would never… Negan, she was the same age as my daughter was… Do you think that makes me happy!?"
"I know, I know… fuck," Negan says as he shakes his head. "You did the right thing. It feels shitty, but you did the right thing."
I'm feeling faint, and the room is spinning around me. Dwight is by me now, doing his best to keep me awake. Tyler is shaking as he presses the makeshift bandage against my gushing wound.
"Don't worry man, she'll be fine," Dwight tells him.
"You don't understand," Tyler whimpers. "She can't lose any more blood, she's…"
I shake my head. For the love of God, please don't tell.
"She's pregnant and… and I'm not sure what the shock will do to her."
"Excuse me!?" Negan barks from his spot. "She's fucking what!?"
"It's not the time!" Dwight shouts back. "She doesn't need this right now, she needs to get back to Sanctuary so the Doc can fix this."
Negan pushes Tyler to the side and scoops me up into his arms. I rest my head against his shoulder and clutch his shirt. It's all too much for me right now, and I just want to be done with it all. My rookie mistake didn't endanger just my life, but my child's as well. I've never felt so stupid.
"Get the rest of the supplies and let's haul ass!" Negan orders the others. "Dwight and Conner, get in front of me. Tyler, get your shit together and follow me. Don't break down now, we need you fucking alert."
As we bump along down the steps, Negan gently slaps my cheek.
"Come on now baby, don't black out now. We'll get you there. Don't worry your pretty fucking head off."
Easier said than done. My heavy lids drooped, and my head slumped against him as he ran out of the building.
When my eyes open after what I thought was only a second, I look up at the roof of the truck in confusion. My vision is still blurry, but when I squint I can make out Negan's nervous face above mine. His arms squeeze me tighter to his chest as he notices I'm awake.
Negan mumbles something and another hand appears, putting a canteen to my lips. I drink. A sharp pain shoots up my leg again and I cry out. One of Negan's arms releases me and he takes something from who I think is Conner in the front seat. The contents are poured onto my leg and I scream, sharp stabbing pains wracking my body. Another mumble from someone, and I black out again.
I strain my eyes against the bright white room. My hands move up to my eyes to block the light. After a few moments I remove them. The brightness has toned down, but now the throbbing is becoming a problem. Sighing, I turn to the side.
Negan is sitting right up next to the bed, arms crossed and leaning back in his chair. He sees me looking at him and he sits up. Smiling, he gestures to my leg.
"Feeling any better yet?"
I shake my head. "The pain's dulled but it still hurts like a sonofabitch. What did you do in the truck?"
"Conner had some whiskey left on him. It was much better than waiting, that's for damn sure."
I turn my attention to the chair behind Negan. Tyler had curled into a ball and fell asleep on it. He's probably been here the whole time just worrying about me.
"That's one fucking high strung kid," Negan says. "Kept saying how it was all his fault. How he shouldn't have kept quiet.
"And speaking of that, what fucking possessed you to decide to do this?"
His low tone made me nervous. I knew this would happen, I just hadn't thought it would be so soon.
"I wanted to be seen as an equal and as someone who can pull their weight," I say. "I'm not content with sitting around. I need to help and I'm still unprepared for motherhood and the time I'd have to devote to the child."
"Well fuck, you better start getting prepared or you're going to be in for a shit storm come your due date. Literally." Negan says, pointing his thumb towards Tyler. "Is that little bitch the father?"
"Do you really think he'd be fine with me going out there if the baby was his?" I say with a chuckle.
"One of the others in your group?"
"No."
"…One of my men?"
"No."
"Now I'm not some fucking genius here," Negan says, gesturing with his hands. "But I know for a fact that unless the Son of God is shacking up in your fucking lady parts, there has to be a father somewhere."
"No you're right, my kid is the second coming of Jesus. You're really smart Negan."
"Fine, be that way," Negan says as he rolls his eyes. "That doesn't fucking matter now anyways. What matters is that the bullet is out and that you and the kid are okay."
I reach out and grab Negan's hand. Giving it a tight squeeze, I smile up at him.
"Thank you Negan. I really appreciate all you've done when you didn't have to."
"Yeah, yeah, don't get fucking sappy on me now Laura," Negan smirks as he brushes some loose hair behind my ear. "I'll let you rest now."
He gives my hand one last touch before he stands up. Just as he turns the knob, Negan turns back to look at me. His gaze is softer than usual. I've never seen him act so serious before.
"Since you're going to be stuck around Sanctuary for a while," Negan says as he puts his hand on his hip. "You're welcome to hang out and visit the wives. Sherry likes you, you know, and they'd love another woman to gossip with. And who knows, maybe if you like hanging out with them you could join us in the parlor. My offer still stands."
I chuckle and grin at Negan. He's always so sure of himself and exudes such confidence that it's hard to hate him. As handsome as he is, I need to focus on my own life at the moment. The life that will soon bring another into this hellish world.
"I won't promise anything," I smile. "Goodbye Negan."
As the door clicks shut my hand reaches down to my belly. It's still too early to feel anything, but it's nice to know there's someone there who needs me. I fall into a peaceful sleep, one that I haven't had since I became pregnant.