Prompt: Cosima ends it w/ Delphine after her betrayal. However, Cosima is well and has to go in for monthly checkups with Delphine. Its excruciatingly painful 4 Delphine to see her and when she hears she's started to see other people only makes it worse. Until one time, she can't take it anymore and just throws down her clipboard and pushes Cosima against the wall and kisses her. They both know they have missed each other and just know they are meant to be.
-.-.-.-
When Cosima had banished Delphine from her lab that day Delphine had considered it just another fight. Cosima had considered it the end.
That night when Delphine had gone back to Felix's loft to find her belongings packed neatly in her case and sitting outside the door she'd still told herself it would blow over. When her key card stopped working on the door to their lab she'd nodded to herself in the long cold corridor and muttered insistently that it would be fine. When she went to the operating room for Cosima's next stem cell implantation she'd presumed the fact that the tattooed girl was going ahead with it meant she was forgiven – it was when she was told that Cosima had asked to be alone that she finally realised forgiveness could quite possibly never be on the cards.
She'd gone back to the hotel room she'd been staying in, not far from the DYAD, and cried when Cosima had left the post-op recovery ward and walked right past her, refusing to even glance around when Delphine had desperately called after her. Part of her wanted to believe it was a sick joke, and that at any second Cosima would knock on the door, greet her with her signature smile and wrap her arms around her to pull her into a tight embrace.
The more logical part of her knew exactly why this was happening though; knew the betrayal had been brewing for months, bubbling just under the thin ice that they'd been skating on hand in hand and that it had finally melted the surface, sending both of them plunging into its icy depths. Each time she'd gone to get them both lunch she'd seen the way Cosima had looked at her, as if silently questioning whether she'd been making a side trip to Leekie's office to relay information. When she'd passed Cosima sheets with test result information on them she'd never missed the quick side glance the dreadlocked girl had made, ensuring there were no sheets left clutched in her hand or crumpled in the bin. She'd seen it all and she'd ignored it because somehow she believed that deep down Cosima trusted her – somehow deep down she'd believed she could be trusted.
Now though she'd blown it and as much as the skin around her eyes stung from all the tears she couldn't help but accept it as a rightful punishment for her crime.
-.-.-.-
"Cos, it's been two weeks," Sarah huffed, watching her sister mope about Felix's apartment in her pyjamas. "Everytime I come over here I feel like I've walked into a fuckin' funeral it's so depressing."
"Shut up Sarah," Cosima sighed, though there was no characteristic bite behind her words, only an empty and deflated desire to not be reminded of her own emotional state.
"Sarah's right honey," Felix commented softly from behind the kitchen island – his tone being a lot more motherly than his sisters. "You can't go on like this forever," he reminded her, not bothering to mention that "this" was referring to the way she cried herself to sleep each night and only ate when he sat down with her and refused to leave the table until he watched her finish off whatever he'd made.
"It's affecting your recovery," Sarah added, taking her cue from Felix's tone and sounding a lot more genuinely concerned now.
"So?" Cosima shrugged, as if the thing that only a few weeks ago had been more important to her than anything else now meant nothing.
"Don't say that Cosima," Sarah snapped, her anger flaring at her sisters obvious disregard for her own health. "You found a way to cure yourself and now you're just being fucking reckless with your body as if nothing's wrong! Felix told me he caught you smoking weed Cosima."
"Telling on me for smoking pot?" Cosima spat out a bitter laugh. "Bit hypocritical don't you think?"
"I'm not the one with an almost fatal lung condition," Felix reminded her calmly, refusing to rise to Cosima's jibes.
"Whatever, I'll be fine," Cosima muttered, turning away from the pair and wandering to the far end of Felix's apartment for no particular reason.
"Only if you start looking after yourself, yeah," Sarah pushed, not willing to drop the subject until Cosima understood just how heedless she was being.
"Well that's easier said than done Sarah!" Cosima turned suddenly, shouting even though her anger didn't quite manage to wipe out the sadness behind her glasses. "Every time I go in for them stupid surgery's I'm reminded that she knew it was Kira's teeth and chose not to tell me, and I'm reminded of her stupid smile the first time I got the treatment, and her stupid hand when it laced through my fingers, and her stupid lips when she kissed me and her stupid thumb when she wiped away my tear." This was the first time Cosima had said any more than a single sentence for weeks and Sarah and Felix were stunned to silence as she spoke. "I'm reminded of her all the time. Even right now all I can think about is when we cracked the code in my DNA on that couch, and the time she made me breakfast because she'd caught me coughing blood in the bathroom sink, and the time we just lay for ages in your bed one night when you were out, not talking or having sex, just lying there holding one another because we could and… and…" She finally cracked; cold hard tears running down her cheeks as her lower lip quivered.
"I know it's tough…" Felix began, feeling his own heart break as he watched the girl that looked so much like his own sister standing on the far end of the room quivering as she tried to hold it together.
"No," Cosima spat, and her voice barely wavered. "You don't… because now she's gone, and I'm not even sure I want to get better anymore."
-.-.-.-
"Dr. Cormier?" A voice called out across the main lobby of the DYAD as Delphine stepped through the main entrance.
"Yes." She turned instinctively towards the sound of her name, not fully registering who was calling her or what for, as she was still caught up in her own world.
"Dr. Cormier, Ms Duncan would like to see you," the man no older than Delphine herself informed her once he got close enough to speak in more hushed tones.
"Pardon?" Delphine was instantly drawn completely from her thoughts at the name 'Duncan'.
"Yes ma'am," the man nodded. "She said to meet her in Dr. Leekie's old office."
Delphine thanked the man and watched him leave. Then she stood for a moment as a blur of suits and lab coats hustled past her. Was there something wrong? Had something happened to Cosima? Did Rachel want something to happen to Cosima?
She tried not to let her nerves show as she turned on her heel and walked towards the stairs that led down into the depths of the institute and towards Leekie's old office – there was camera's everywhere, and for all she knew Rachel could be watching her right now, a well-oiled smirk sitting firm as ever across her tight lips as Delphine neared the office doors.
There was a man standing waiting for her when she got there, and he held the door open before she had time to tell him who she was. Rachel was behind the desk as she'd expected, and a man Delphine presumed to be Paul was standing close to her, watching Delphine as if at any second she was likely to pull a gun on his boss.
"Sit," Rachel ordered, an unspecific emptiness curling around her stiff English accent.
Delphine done as she was told, crossing her legs slowly then gripping each of the armrests – knowing that fidgeting was a sign of nerves.
"I suppose you're wondering why I called you here?" Rachel questioned in a way that didn't sound at all like a question.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't," Delphine nodded, proud at herself for not stammering as she looked straight at the eyes that reminded her so much of Cosima, yet at the same time were nothing like Cosima's at all.
"Cosima is getting better," Rachel informed her – almost flinching at the oh so human smile that grew involuntarily on Delphine's face. "And once she's done her treatment she'll need to come into the DYAD for weekly check-ups."
"That is," Delphine paused, realising she sounded a lot like she was gushing. "Excellent news," she finished, only managing to school her tone slightly.
Since the second she'd realised Cosima had shunned her away she'd been prying for information. Talking to the doctors after each of Cosima's treatments, never correcting those few people that still sent her reports that she'd been getting when she'd been working along with Cosima in their lab; anything she could get her hands on really to make herself feel less on the outside and less alone. Anything she could get to make her feel like just for a second she was part of Cosima's life again.
"Yes, it is," Rachel had to agree – as little a she personally cared about the clone, the breakthrough in the treatment also meant she could be cured if the time came. "And we were wondering if you would be willing to oversee her checkups?"
Delphine stared dumbly for a moment at the woman that looked so like Cosima and at the same time looked nothing like her at all. "Excuse me?"
"I understand your situation with Cosima is… complicated," Rachel noted, seeming to take joy in the notion of their failed relationship. "Yet without Aldous here you're the person with the most insight to this case and therefore the best person to oversee her care and ensure she's re-adjusting well."
"You want me to monitor her… again?"
"Not in so many words Dr. Cormier, but yes," Rachel nodded. "That's exactly what we'd like you to do… if you're up for the job."
Delphine wanted so badly to say no. Every cell in her body screamed at her to turn the offer down; trying to force her to imagine exactly how Cosima would react when she found out that even after everything that had happened Delphine was still the one there taking notes on her, testing her, prodding her like the experiment she believed herself to be.
"I'll do it," Delphine nodded, hating herself even as the words filled the air around her – still though, this way she could see Cosima for herself, make sure she really was okay, make sure she really was getting better; this way she could be around her even if it meant having to love her from afar and even if it meant hating herself and Cosima hating her even more.
-.-.-.-
"So… just out of curiosity… boys or girls?" Felix questioned, trying to keep his tone as light as possible. "Or you know, boys or girls or everything in between."
"What?" Cosima sighed, looking up from her laptop where she'd been working steadily on her thesis for the past few hours.
"You know, what's your flavour?" Felix pushed gently as possible. "I mean I know past history would indicate girls, but genetic history indicates boys… you know what I mean?"
"Single Felix," Cosima insisted. "Single is my flavour, and will be for a very long time thanks for asking."
"You know you can't be a nun forever," Felix huffed. "It's probably bad for like, your hormones or something?"
"That's why masturbation was invented Felix," Cosima informed him, her eyes glued back on her screen now that she'd lost interest in the conversation.
"You better not be doing that on my couch," Felix grimaced.
"Don't worry not your couch, I wait until you're gone and then I…" She glanced up quickly towards his unmade bed smirking.
"You can't be serious," he dead panned, face contorting in horror when she simply wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "When are you moving out again?"
"Hey, blame Alison, it was her that suggested I finish my PhD in Toronto so I can be closer to the DYAD, and it was also her that picked out my new apartment so it's not my fault it'll be another few days before the old tenant moves out," Cosima shrugged absently.
"You know, having one sister was bad enough," Felix sighed in defeat, before turning to his bed and beginning to strip the sheets.
-.-.-.-
Delphine had rearranged the papers on her new office desk at least eight times since she'd sat down half an hour ago. She'd also repositioned her keyboard and mouse six times, and she'd checked to make sure she had the right sheet clipped into her clipboard nine times. She flexed her fingers, feeling tension rise up through her palms and try to break out through her cuticles. Her leg bounced off the floor and she irritated even herself as it hopped along to the rhythm of no song she could consciously recall hearing before.
Her eyes remained firmly trained on the door handle, waiting for it to bend down and the door to push open; praying that hear heart would keep beating when it did.
She should have said no, she should have just said no and tried to move on with her life. It would have been so easy, just one syllable and she could have maybe, just maybe, begun the process of forgetting everything that had happened between Minnesota and here. She hadn't said no though, and ever since that conversation with Rachel all she'd been able to do was lie awake at night imagining the different ways Cosima would react. Would she scream and storm out? Or worse would she scream but stay?
Delphine shut her eyes quickly and shook her head trying to throw the thoughts out. Whatever happened she knew what she had to do. Apologise. On her hands and knees if need be. She knew it was a reckless move, especially when she considered the woman she'd be apologising to – the woman that said "show don't tell", the woman that so often was a direct embodiment of the phrase as her arms swung in time to her words and her face left no detail of emotion untold. Still though she must try, she must try for all she was worth.
Of course she'd considered being stoic, professional, maybe even politely friendly if the situation called for it – which she doubted it would. She'd figured that she'd slowly build up a new kind of relationship with Cosima and that hopefully over time Cosima would forget what had happened altogether, and they could start over again. That method had too many negative outcomes for her liking though – at least when she apologised she'd be laying her cards out, and Cosima could chose to either accept her hand or brutally discard it.
Either way, at least she'd know.
Finally, ten minutes later than scheduled – and the words "I'm kinda always late so I'm kinda always sorry" rang fondly in her head – the door handle turned down and Delphine braced herself for the shit storm she was about to face.
-.-.-.-
"Yea, yea, yea," Cosima nodded into the phone that was held between her ear and the crook of her neck to allow her hands to roam free. "Listen Ali I got to go I've got my first appointment now," she told the woman on the other side of the line quickly before she was cut off again by another rant about how Donnie was still insisting on fighting her for custody after everything he'd done. "Thanks, yea I'll call you after to let you know how it went… okay, okay, bye." She hung up quickly and huffed out a breath, staring at the lime green device in her hand – shit her sister could really talk when she wanted to.
She looked at her watch then and realised she was already ten minute late for her appointment – typical. She half jogged the remaining length of the corridor, pausing for a second before she pushed the door open. She didn't want whatever old fart was in here to think her lungs still weren't working just cos she was a little out of breath.
While she stood waiting for her lungs to calm down (it still took a little longer than it used to) she mulled over the fact the entire walk through the DYAD had been very absent of Delphine. Not that she'd expected the blonde to greet her at the door or anything, though she had hoped she'd at least run into her. She knew that ever since she'd kicked Delphine out of the old wing of the institute she'd returned to her old lab in this newer section –she knew this because she may or may not ask the doctors every now and again how her ex-girlfriend was doing.
It's not that she wanted to see the other woman – well maybe it was the reason. She couldn't help but miss her; miss her smile, the blonde locks of hair bouncing when she walked, the way she said her name in that soft French lilt, the way if felt when the pads of her fingers brushed across Cosima's cheek. She missed it and yet at the same time she remembered the way Delphine had seemed to burn every bridge Cosima had built for her, an apologetic smile on her lips each time.
She sighed and curled her fingers around the door handle. Maybe it was for the best. Each of those bridges had taken a lot more of Cosima's strength to build than she'd been willing to admit at the time, and even though it still hurt, and even though she occasionally still cried whenever she knew Felix couldn't hear her, part of her really did want to believe that not seeing Delphine really was good for her, and really would help her heal and move on with her life.
She turned the handle and pushed the door open, determine not to allow herself to dwell on it, and then –
-.-.-.-
"Delphine." The blonde watched as her name formed on Cosima's lips and shock filled the brunettes eyes for one fleeting moment before another emotion took hold between her thick frames – anger maybe, or melancholy?
Whatever it was Delphine almost rose from her seat, afraid she'd have to chase Cosima when she took off in the opposite direction. To her credit though Cosima didn't run, instead she very hesitantly edged towards the seat. She reminded Delphine of a puppy, though not in the way the girls perky nature had previously reminded her of one – now she was like a dog in one of Martin Seligman's Learned Helplessness experiments, and Delphine inwardly cringed when she realised she was the electric shock.
"So, should I call you doctor or…?" Cosima trailed off awkwardly, eyes glued to her hands which were uncharacteristically pried together in her lap.
"You can call me whatever you like," Delphine replied softly, leaning forward in her black office chair to try and catch Cosima's eye.
"Right cool," Cosima nodded finally looking up, though she gave no hints as to which title she'd be using. "So I guess you're still my monitor then?" She changed the subject, and Delphine couldn't quite tell if she was bitter or just plain upset.
"I'm your… doctor," Delphine corrected slowly, her tone still soft. "With Aldous dead it's my job to make sure you're doing okay."
"Still though, you're monitoring me," Cosima shrugged before the blonde had a chance to say another word. "Doesn't matter what way you try and gift wrap it, it's still the same bullshit in the package." Delphine flinched at her words and Cosima must have noticed. "Sorry, that was a little harsh."
"It was… understandable," Delphine sighed after a moment.
"Right well, whatever… can we just get this over with cos I'm kinda trying to work on my thesis and this appointment was the only real break I'd scheduled all day."
Delphine wanted so badly to ask how her thesis was coming along; her chest ached to talk to her for hours about the theory Cosima was developing just like they used to. She knew she couldn't though. She knew them days were long gone now, and all she'd ever know of Cosima's thesis was if she ever read about it someday in a scientific journal.
"Cosima I need you to know…" Delphine began; her voice cracking as she reached her hand across the desk, irrationally hoping to feel Cosima's hand slide over the top of it and squeeze it protectively like she used to.
"Anything you need me to know," Cosima cut her off sharply, and Delphine could hear the rage burning under the thinly masked calm of her tone. "Is something I probably don't want to hear. I came for an appointment, and I guess it's you I'm stuck with so let's just get this shit show over with so I can go home." And Delphine knew that was the end of all conversation.
"Yes, of course," Delphine smiled politely retracting her hand like it had been physically scalded by her words and hiding the way her heart broke. "I don't know what came over me… uh…" she cleared her throat quietly. "It's just some basic questions on your general health, and how you feel the treatment went, that sort of thing. Also a few questions on how you're readjusting now that the illness is cured, Rac- the DYAD wants to know if there's any lingering side effects."
"So it's Rachel calling the shots now," Cosima nodded, not seeming at all surprised by the news.
"Cosima…" Delphine warned, knowing only too well that Rachel had eyes in this office.
"Sorry, of course Dr. Cormier, I understand you can't talk about it," Cosima replied, her tone distant and cold and slicing through Delphine like a butchers knife through a slab of dead meat.
-.-.-.-
"Pick up, pick up, pick up," Cosima muttered frantically, trying her best not to break out into a run now that she'd finally escaped that office.
"Go for Felix!" The voice on the other end of the line answered chirpily unaware of Cosima's inner turmoil.
"Felix… about that date," Cosima sighed in defeat, pushing down the twang of self-loathing that sprung up in her chest when she spoke.
"Oh thank god, you've finally seen the light." Felix's grin was practically audible through the phone.
"Yea I just…" Cosima paused.
Should she really be doing this? Agreeing to a date because what, she wanted to punish the blonde for how she'd made her feel when the broke up, and how she made her feel again in that office?
"Okay." Felix cut through her train of thought. "I just text my friend Bobby, she works in that bar not far from my apartment."
"Oh." (Too late for backing out then.)
"Don't sound so enthusiastic," Felix huffed. "She's really nice, so don't go all ivory tower on her just cos she works in a bar… give her a chance."
"No, no, it's not that," Cosima hesitates again; she did ask for this after all – she was the one that called Felix up and demanded a date without a word of greeting, there was no good backing out now. "Just uh… just tell me what day suits her?"
"That's what I like to hear!"
Cosima spent the entire cab ride back to her new one bed apartment mulling over what she'd just done. She knew she wasn't ready to date yet – she knew she was nowhere near ready to date yet, though something about seeing Delphine had just snapped her. She could still close her eyes and remember what it felt like to wake up with golden locks of hair blurring her vision as she lay curled in tight to Delphine's side, though after today a new vision sat on the dark side of her eyelids now too when she shut them. The look in Delphine's eyes as she sat at that desk, at the wrong side of that desk – all hopeful and apologetic, yet not apologetic enough. Not apologetic for the fact that even now she was still working for DYAD, even now she was still doing their bidding and monitoring her.
After everything that had happened, and after having their relationship torn apart by the fact Delphine couldn't quite seem to pick a side Cosima realised she finally had – and it wasn't the side she'd hoped the woman she loved would land on.
Mon amour – Delphine had said that to her only days before she'd found out the origin of the stem cells, and mere weeks before their encounter today, and yet it was as if she'd forgotten her words all together now. It was as if that simple endearment had meant nothing to her, and maybe it hadn't? Perhaps this whole time their love affair had been a lie – a careful ploy developed by Delphine and Leekie in order to get her to open up and cooperate.
She'd considered it before, both in the weeks since they'd broken up, and even before that when they'd still been dating. Each time though she'd reminded herself that what they'd had was real, tangible, solid. What they'd had was something that couldn't be faked because she'd felt it, and she'd known from the look in Delphine's eyes that she'd felt it too. Now though she couldn't help but second guess herself – label herself as a love sick puppy too blinded by infatuation and science to realise that what lay beneath Delphine's doe eyes was a corporate heart.
-.-.-.-
Delphine sighed as her keycard clicked in the lock and she pushed open the door to the hotel room she'd been calling home now for several weeks. She shrugged out of her jacket, threw down her bag and slipped off her shoes before throwing herself into the folds of her single bed – she'd seen no point in paying extra for a room with a double without anyone to lie in it with – and only when she felt the freshly cleaned sheets hug her weary bones, and the clean smell engulf her nostrils did she allow herself to let her tears fall.
The entire day played back in her head. The way Cosima had looked at her when she'd first walked in, the crippling tension that had blown in the door along with the tattooed girl and sat heavy in the room for their entire meeting. The way Cosima's hands had fidgeted rather than the long unadulterated movements Delphine was used to seeing, as if she were guiding an orchestra when she spoke. What had really gotten to her though, what had really proved to Delphine just how much she'd messed up, was the conversation (if you could call it that) they'd had just before Cosima had left the room.
"Thank you Cosima, that'll be all."
"Please, Dr. Cormier, there's no need to call me Cosima."
"Pardon?"
"It just seems awfully informal. I don't mind if you refer to me as 324B21."
Tears stained the white linen around her and her mind went into overdrive as she tried to think of some way to fix everything that had happened – something she could do to show Cosima how she felt, some way of opening up her chest and showing the other woman how her heart had stopped beating since she'd walked out of her life, some way of cracking away her skull until Cosima could peak into her brain and watch the phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine that still surged there when they were together, chemically proving her love was real.
"J'ai foiré," Delphine hissed spitefully as self-loathing coursed through her veins. "J'ai foiré," she repeated as fresh tears blurred her vision and her fists clenched. "J'ai foiré," she seethed one final time, this time lifting a pillow and tossing it across the room, watching through blurred vision as it knocked a lamp to the floor. "Merde…" she finally whispered, her body suddenly growing weak. "J'ai foiré."
-.-.-.-
Cosima stepped into the dimply lit bar with an uncomfortable lump sitting firmly in her chest, snug behind her ribs and between her almost fully functioning lungs. All day she'd been thinking up ways to back out, she'd even text Felix explaining she felt under the weather, though he'd promptly text her back telling her to take a fucking aspirin and put on her cutest outfit. She also didn't like the fact she was meeting this Bobby girl in her own bar – it made Cosima feel like she was fighting a battle on enemy ground, unaware of the terrain and hidden traps that could snag her at any second.
Still though, she was a big girl and this wasn't her first blind date, so rather than turn on her heel and run away as fast as her legs could carry her and her lungs would allow her she set her jaw firm, straightened her glasses and took another step into the establishment, glancing around hoping to catch sight of what Felix described as "cute, blonde, glasses, and an appreciable rack."
"Hey!" A voice greeted cheerfully from somewhere to Cosima's left, and she knew she'd been spotted first – she could only imagine how she'd been described "dreadlocks, glasses, far too many clashing patterns. "Wow you do look like Sarah!" the same voice said once Cosima turned to face her, and she realised that yea, that was probably a more accurate guess as to how she'd been described.
"You must be Bobby," Cosima smiled, trying to inject as much polite enthusiasm as possible to her voice as she extended her hand.
"Yea, and you must be Cosima," Bobby returned, her enthusiasm sounding a lot less forced as she grasped Cosima's hand, their rings bouncing together as they shook. "You wanna grab a booth?" She added, motioning around them.
"Yea, cool," Cosima nodded, allowing Bobby to lead the way to the one nearest them.
"Drink?" Bobby asked, motioning for one of the guys cleaning tables to come over when he was done.
"Uh yea… red wine, pinot noir if you have it," she nodded absently, not really paying attention to what Bobby said next, nor paying attention as her date made small talk with their server for a few
moments; instead focusing on the fact her hair was the wrong shade of blonde and her eyes were too blue.
"Suppose you think it's weird?" Bobby questioned, and Cosima realised she'd been watching her for a few seconds.
"Uh… what's that?" Cosima focused her attention back on her date – there was no call for being rude just because she didn't want to be here.
"Well, that I suggested we go on a date in the bar I work at," Bobby laughed, seeming oblivious to Cosima's vacancy from conversation.
"Oh uh… not really," Cosima offered, feeling uncharacteristically awkward in a way she hadn't felt since she was a gangly freshman in highschool.
"Oh cool, well good," Bobby smiled. "It's just I only got off work like twenty minutes ago so you know, I wouldn't have had time to go home and change and all that," she explained, even though Cosima hadn't asked.
"Oh… we could have just like rescheduled," Cosima pointed out, though she immediately regretted saying it when Bobby's smile fell a little. "So uh… tell me about yourself," she added quickly, already trying to salvage this date from the inferno she'd thrown it into barely five minutes in.
"Oh well you know same old story," Bobby laughed, her grin back in place. "I work here five nights a week and when I'm not here I'm trying to make it big as a singer, you know how it is, my eight year old self didn't quite comprehend the harsh realities of becoming a superstar," she joked. "So what about you? Your eight year old self happy?"
"Well when I was eight I wanted to I wanted to study genetics, and now I'm studying evolutionary development, so I suppose same science-y ball park," Cosima shrugged, and instantly Felix's words don't go all ivory tower on her rang in her head. "Though uh… my PhD isn't actually that interesting, what uh… what kind of music do you play?"
She heard something about "indie"and something else about "still trying to find my sound" though she took none of it in. Instead her mind wandered to how she used to talk for hours about evo-devo and her thesis to Delphine; how they used to bounce theories off one another, and brainstorm different methods of testing them. How they used to sit for hours, surrounded by stacks and pools of seemingly never ending research papers, pointing out strengths and weaknesses and discussing how Cosima could build on this pre-existing knowledge, or challenge it by taking it in an entirely new direction. She remembered how Delphine would scribble out lists of suggestions for Cosima to bring to her advisors about how she could develop and expand on her ideas.
"… so that's me really." Cosima grimaced inwardly as she barely managed to catch the tail end of Bobby's very, very one sided conversation. "What about you? What's your story aside from the whole science thing I guess?"
"Oh not much," Cosima started, choosing to leave out the whole illegal cloning experiment and near fatal lung disease along with the corporate war between two of her clones that she was stuck in the middle of. "I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks back, thus this whole getting back on the horse thing."
"Oh, that sucks," Bobby sympathised, reaching a hand across the table and squeezing Cosima's – a gesture that went mostly un-noticed by the brunette as she almost immediately pulled her hands away when she started to speak.
"Well yea, kinda," she began, not even really meaning to start this conversation. "We really just clicked you know? We got one another. I couldn't trust her though, not that I thought she'd cheat, I mean I knew she loved me as much as I loved her, but just there was a whole lot of other stuff going on that stopped us from being able to have like a normal healthy relationship, and that's what caused the shit to hit the fan really… you know? The kind of thing that could've been prevented if things were different I guess. Though then again…" She trailed off, finally noticing the look on Bobby's face.
"Cool…" Bobby nodded awkwardly, taking a large gulp of the pint that had at some point been placed in front of her. "So uh… you're a red wine kinda girl, huh?"
-.-.-.-
"Ah, Bobby darling," Felix greeted in a sing song voice when he saw the caller ID on his phone. "How's my favourite bar tender?"
"Pissed off." The reply was harsh, and even through the line Felix could feel the sting.
"Oh dear…" Was all he managed before being cut short by a forty minute rant detailing exactly how Cosima had paid barely any attention for the entire excruciating half hour it had taken them to finish their drinks and how when she had paid attention no matter what topic their conversation had managed to awkwardly steer to, she always seemed to take it right back to Delphine and her golden curls and her puppy dog smile and her knack for knowing whether or not a theory was right even before they'd run conclusive tests.
"Like Christ Felix," she added finally. "How about next time you set me up it's not with someone that's still head over heels in love."
-.-.-.-
Okay, so the date had been a disaster, big deal. It was still all she needed, all she required was one date under her belt so she could go back and show Delphine just how little she cared about her stupid apologies and her stupid monitoring. One single real life date that she could dangle over Delphine's head to prove to her that she'd moved on.
"Cosima." Today Delphine's voice had none of the hopefulness it had been brimming with at the start of their first meeting; instead it was dead and lifeless, as if someone had already sucker punched her straight in the gut and winded her permanently.
Cosima tried to ignore this – you need to tell her about the date, you need to make her suffer.
"Dr. Cormier," Cosima nodded crisply, taking her seat across from the blonde and staring coolly into her puddle like eyes.
"Please Cosima, call me Delphine," the other woman sighed, and Cosima felt her resolve cracking as she noted the tell-tale signs of emotion brewing up inside Delphine that could only be spotted after months of getting to know her inner workings and the minute details that flashed across her face at particular times.
It was now or never – do or die.
"Okay Delphine," Cosima relented, but only by a fraction of an inch. "Though can we make this quick I uh… I have a date after this."
Even before the words had a chance to echo back to her ear Cosima hated herself for what she'd said. She saw the shock on Delphine's face, saw the way her jaw went slack and her shoulders slumped. She watched as the clipboard slid lifelessly from her hand and clattered against the glass table between them; watched as Delphine slumped back in her seat and her now free hand came up for her fingers to trace thoughtfully across her slightly parted lips.
"A date?" The blonde repeated, her voice hollow and hoarse, like she was trying to hold back tears even as they spoke.
"Yea… her name's Bobby," Cosima explained, bracing herself and willing herself to continue with the lie even as the desperation to apologise growled violently in the pit of her stomach – she deserves it. "Felix set us up a few nights ago and we're going out again today for lunch." She closed her eyes, it was all she could do to say the words, she couldn't bare looking Delphine in the eye at the same time.
"Oh uh…" Delphine cleared her throat, and Cosima opened her eyes to face her again, noticing now that she'd seemed to put up every barrior her body still had the power to erect. "Actually Cosima I was supposed to uh… do your bloods today and I think I've um… forgotten the vials." Cosima had spotted all the necessary equipment on the surgical table on her way in, though she remained silent. "How about you come back tomorrow instead? I mean you may miss your date if I go looking for it all now." Her voice wasn't bitter or mad as it should have been, just sad and broken and so very, very lost.
"You sure?" Cosima tried her best to sound nonchalant.
"Yes, positive." This time Delphine's words had a sting behind them, and it was the only thing that prompted Cosima to stand from her seat rather than sit there and make sure she was okay.
"Uh… see you tomorrow then," Cosima nodded, waiting a second before realising her closing remarks weren't going to be reciprocated and only then choosing to turn on her heel and evacuate the room as quickly as possible.
-.-.-.-
Delphine sat stunned at her desk long after the door had snapped shut behind Cosima's fleeing form. Her tears had dried against her cheeks and still she didn't think she had the power to move; instead she sat like a statue, her mind racing and her heart still pounding as Cosima's words replayed over and over in her head – the lilt of her voice mocking Delphine as it curled seductively around the word "date".
Cosima was going on a date today, and now tomorrow she was going to come back into this office with an after-sex glow that Delphine was all too familiar with and she was going to have to pretend like it didn't bother her; like the idea of Cosima being happy with someone else didn't rip her heart to pieces and that the thought of Cosima moving on so soon didn't make her feel like a burning knife was being stuck in her chest again and again and again.
She felt a fresh wave of emotion flush her features and this time she buried her eyes into the palms of her hands, resting her elbows on the desk in front of her and letting her body shake violently with each vicious sob that slipped out from between her lips.
After what felt like hours her cries turned to embarrassed hiccups and eventually to a painful silence that filled the room like a poison, making her almost wish her tears would start afresh. She still didn't move though, instead she sat back in her chair, feeling too emotionally drained and physically weary to even begin to drag herself back to her hotel room tonight. The exam bed in the corner of her office would do just fine for tonight, and she was sure she had a change of clothes in her locker that would do her for the next day.
-.-.-.-
Cosima could feel the guilt weigh down on her shoulders for the rest of the day. Her thesis work lay untouched and the Chinese she'd ordered lay unopened; instead she sat motionless at the edge of her bed, feet dangling lifelessly over the edge of the mattress. She stared straight ahead at an unspecific point thinking back over every word that had been said earlier that day.
Why hadn't she stopped?
How could she have been so stupid?
The pain on Delphine's face had been clear as day and yet she'd continued rubbing salt into the fresh wounds she'd created with her sharp words. Delphine may have betrayed her trust; though Cosima knew what she'd done had been much, much worse. She'd set out to cause pain; at least Delphine had only ever intended to help.
She needed to do something, needed to fix things, even though she wasn't sure what exactly that entailed or how she was going to go about it.
-.-.-.-
Three hours of sleep was all she'd really managed and her body was stiff when she sat up straight on the exam table and fumbled awkwardly to turn off the alarm on her phone. She could feel the low throb of a headache in the back of her skull and before she changed she fished two aspirin out of one of the cupboards.
Twenty minutes later she was sighing as she gave herself a once over in her reflection in the glass window behind her desk; her headache was gone, though it had been replaced by an uncomfortable tension in her shoulders as she counted down the hours until Cosima's arrival. She had stacks of paperwork that had been piling up, seemingly oblivious to her mood over the past couple of weeks, yet rather than make a stab at it she just sat behind her desk, eyes trained on the door, thoughts flittering between what this Bobby girl must look like, and what she was going to say when Cosima walked through the door.
-.-.-.-
Delphine's head snapped up when she heard her office door slowly creak open. She glanced quickly at the time on her computer screen and realised that quite possibly for the first time in Cosima's life she was early, and by an entire fifteen minutes as well.
"Hey…" The other woman's greeting was cautious, as if she were approaching a lion she'd previously poked with a stick.
"You're early," Delphine noted, and her tone wasn't teasing, it wasn't anything really, just an empty comment to fill the silence that would've otherwise prevailed.
"Well you know," and Delphine was almost expecting another comment about how she didn't want to be late for another date. "Sometimes I'm not late cos I don't want to have to be sorry anymore."
Delphine looked up to meet Cosima's eye and was instantly lost in the gaze. For the first time in far too long she saw something real behind those dark rimmed glasses. She saw hope, fear, sorrow, and most importantly a glint that looked dangerously like forgiveness. Both women could feel the shift in the air, yet neither of them seemed to know what to do; Cosima made no move to take a seat though, and rather than speak Delphine simply bit her lip, her fingers drumming absently off the clipboard in her hand for a few moments before something clicked in her mind and she discarded the clipboard on the desk in front of her.
By the time Cosima's brain caught up with what was going on Delphine was already around the desk and their bodies were closer than they had been in what seemed like an eternity. To her credit Delphine hesitated for only a fraction of a second before throwing caution to the wind and cupping Cosima's jaw, pulling the brunette up until their lips met.
It was like coming home for both of them after months in isolation. Neither woman had to take a second to figure out what was going on or how to react, it was all instinct; the way Cosima stood on her toes to reach better and clung to Delphine's hips to steady herself. The way Delphine's fingers snaked in through Cosima's dreadlocks, re-familiarizing herself with every bump and groove of the shorter woman's skull. Mouths parted easily as Cosima's tongue slid effortlessly up against Delphine's – neither of them needing to wait on the other to give permission as their bodies automatically fell back into their perfected rhythm after months out of practice, the same as it would if they were riding a bike.
Cosima nudged Delphine back until the blonde was sitting on the glass desk, and with height difference finally to her advantage she allowed her hands to roam slowly and steadily; up Delphine's arms and down her back, across her stomach and up the outside of her thighs until they slowed to a stop again on her waist. Rather than explore, Delphine's hand tangled more firmly in Cosima's hair, while the one that had been cupping her jaw ran up the side of her face and stroking gently across her cheek until she felt Cosima lean into the touch.
After a moment, and with her hand's still in place Delphine slowly broke away, being sure not to starve herself of too much skin on skin contact, as she rested their foreheads together.
"What does this mean?" She whispered her voice husky and her lips swollen; her mind both racing with the excited notion that Cosima had kissed her back, and terrified that she was still somehow misinterpreting the situation.
"I don't know," Cosima replied, her voice just as low and deep. "Though I do know I want you to come back to my place so we can figure it out."
-.-.-.-
They didn't figure much out right away – they both found a better use of their time to be rediscovering one another in a flurry of hands and moths and tongues, and hot flesh melting together between bed sheets and throaty moans that filled the empty air between the covers.
Eventually though their bodies were aching, and a thin sheen of sweat covered their naked forms as they lay a tangle of limbs and red satin sheets.
"I missed this," Delphine ventured at last, her voice hoarse in Cosima's ear from screaming.
"Mm," Cosima hummed in agreement, absently tracing shapes on the blonde's spine.
"I missed you too," Delphine added, watching intently to catch Cosima's reaction.
The dreadlocked girl only smiled though, and for a long time said nothing else at all. "Yea," she agreed eventually. "I was pretty lost without you for a while there," she admitted, vulnerability behind her words that may not be so striking if it weren't for the added physical vulnerability of her naked form.
"I was lost every second without you," Delphine agreed. "And although…" she paused, mentally giving herself a second to prepare before saying what needed to be said. "Although I know I can never be forgiven for what I've done I need you to know I'm sorry, and that I wish every day I could turn back time to the two people we were running through that Minnesota campus with stolen wine bottles."
"If you could go back would you agree to steal bikes with me now?" Cosima teased, and it wasn't the response Delphine had been expecting though she went along with it anyway.
"I'd steal the entire world for you if I could Cosima," she swore and Cosima knew without doubt that she meant every syllable.
"I didn't really have a date," Cosima word vomited, having meant to say something a lot more eloquent and along the lines of what Delphine had said to her. "I mean… I did have a date, a few nights ago, though it was awful and I talked about you the entire time and…" she paused, her blush growing crimson as she noticed the way Delphine was staring at her. "Well I was kind of only trying to hurt your feelings."
"It worked." Was all Delphine said, and Cosima felt like kicking herself for saying it when they'd been having a moment, and for trying to make Delphine jealous in the first place.
"I'm sorry…" She offered meekly, her arms tightening around Delphine's waist, afraid she'd pull away at any second.
"I never said you had to apologise," Delphine corrected her, and the shadow of a smile crept across her face. "What you said broke my heart, but it was also what made me realise no matter how much I'd messed up I needed to just… do anything I could to get you back," she shrugged.
"So you don't think I'm an asshole?"
"I think…" Delphine tried to find the right words in English to suit what she was trying to say. "I think we've both been assholes a few times over the past few months."
"You mean we're just two fuck ups?" Cosima teased, laughing when Delphine began to giggle.
"Oui, I think that's exactly what we are," the blonde nodded. "It is a sad state of affairs really."
"Mm," Cosima's laughter had died down and she stared thoughtfully for a moment at Delphine. "You know if it was anyone else I'd have moved on months ago… I'd have left after I found out you told Leekie about us back in Minnesota."
"And if it was anyone else I'd have told Leekie about Kira as well back in Minnesota," Delphine replied truthfully. "And I'd have told him you knew about the patent, and I would not have cried myself to sleep for weeks once I realised it was really over."
"Well, not really over," Cosima pointed, lifting her hand off the blonde's waist for a moment to motion around her to drive home her point. "I don't think me and you are ever really gonna be over."
"C'est vrai," Delphine nodded, and the thought sent a warm feeling sprouting out from her chest. "We can't keep going like this though," she added after a moment, her fingers playing with one of Cosima's dreads when she spoke.
"Hurting one another you mean?"
"Oui."
"I know," Cosima sighed. "Though we've made all the promises we can make… you still break my trust and I still say or do something to try and hurt you."
"It doesn't have to be like that though," Delphine insisted, her hand now tucking the loose dread behind Cosima's ear and cupping her cheek. "I've been thinking," she took a shaky breath. "I'm leaving the DYAD."
"They won't let you," Cosima replied without hesitation. "You know too much, you're a liability."
"I've spoken to Rachel though, and it's true," Delphine nodded. "I'll never be able to fully free myself from them… there's confidentiality contracts I need to sign and obviously on my end as well there's tests I carried out for them I'd rather not have the general public know I carried out," she sighed. "Though, aside from that there's nothing they can do to stop me from working wherever I want… once I'm done overseeing your check-ups that is."
"You really mean it," Cosima marvelled, her grin growing tenfold as Delphine's words sank in.
"Oui, I really mean it," Delphine smiled. "My career means nothing without you in my life Cosima… I could be cleaning toilets for a living and I wouldn't mind as long as I got to come home to you every night."
"You don't mean that," Cosima snorted.
Delphine wrinkled her nose. "No, I do not," she agreed.
"Where're you really thinking of working though?" Cosima prodded. "Or is it still early days?"
"I actually have an interview in Toronto University in a few days, working in one of their research labs," Delphine explained grinning.
"You know that's where I'm finishing my PhD," Cosima teased, knowing only too well Delphine had been informed by someone – probably Scott.
"Mm, un petit oiseau may have told me," she explained, smirking devilishly when she spoke.
"Well I'm glad he did," Cosima hummed happily, leaning over to capture Delphine's lips in a chaste kiss.
"Me too," Delphine agreed, her words brushing over the brunette's skin.