She doesn't know why this is happening.
Well, that's a lie. She knows exactly why. She just doesn't understand why it's her. And why it has to be now.
After so many nights of trying to erase those bloodthirsty eyes from her mind, and throwing cold water on her face and giving pained but glowing smiles at T'Challa and her mother when they saw goosebumps forming along her skin after a sudden 'episode'. She had seen the nightmares as a petty problem that would resolve itself once she crushed her fear of that damned jaguar and cast his memory aside.
He was dead.
Gone.
The eyes of the dead were not to be feared, or at least that's what her mother had whispered to her every night as a child. It's what T'challa had murmured softly into her neck when she stunned him awake sobbing in his room days after their father was killed.
The eyes of the dead were not to be feared...
Shuri shuddered when she felt his lips trace a path from her shoulder to her neck, his breath as cold as ice but his lips seering into her skin as if they were branding her.
The eyes of the dead...were not to be feared...
That's what they had told her.
They had told her that. They never lied to her. Never. So why was she so bloody terrified.
'Careful kitten' The nightmare suddenly murmured, as if sensing her growing anxiety. Shuri lifted her eyes, glaring with shaking irises at the large and rippling form of the man who had tried to kill her brother many a time and had almost, almost, killed her.
'I might get carried away if that scent of yours gets anymore...' The jaguar spirit sucked in a breath as if relishing her pain. 'tasty'
She can only close her eyes and hope desperately that he'll release her soon. That she'll wake up, trembling and scrambling into the warm arms of her family- her true family, and forget this torment even if just for a few hours.
She couldn't count how many times he's taken her within her dreams.
But she can feel the bruises he leaves even now. She can taste the blood on her tongue, the result of her digging her teeth too hard every time Erik growls and comes hard inside of her. Even for a dream- or rather, a nightmare- it feels too real.
Every bite mark, every scratch, and every thrust feels like her insides are being ripped inside out and her mind goes numb every time. Whether from the sensation of him or just the result of her trying to block out this torment, it doesn't matter.
And the feeling never goes away. Not even when she wakes up.
It makes her seethe how nothing that she tries, vials and vials of liquid spirits and Librium that she hides from T'challa- nothing works to banish that demon from her mind.
She hasn't told anyone. She isn't sure if she wants to. But she knows eventually the self loathing inside of her will grow a fire, and eventually she won't be able to hide this. Not from T'challa. Maybe not from anyone.
She almost forgets why she hid it from him in the first place.
And suddenly Shuri can feel him again. Hard against her, warm lips brushing against her ear and making her skin tingle before the gold tips of his fangs sink into her skin, causing her to bite deeply into her tongue again, the old welts from before swelling as blood fills her mouth.
"I hate you" she whispers. And she means it.
No matter how over the edge he manages to send her, no matter how delicious the friction of their bodies feel as he moves against, above, and inside her- she hates him. Hates him with her entire being.
But he only chuckles breathily in her ear, flipping her body over so the tops of her breasts brush against his own rippling chest. She knows he can hear her heartbeat drumming against her ribcage. Just like she can feel his steadily beating, much calmer than her own.
She hates that too. That she can hear that sound at all. Monsters dont have hearts. And that's what he is to her.
That doesn't stop her eyes from rolling into the back of her head though when he slowly lifts her leg over his shoulder and begins to push his way into her.
Shuri shudders and digs her nails into the ground. She can feel him trembling slightly too, as if her body is pulling the life from him. Only he seems to enjoy that experience a bit too much for her liking. She'd much prefer his pained screams to his tortured moans, but she isn't so lucky.
It doesn't take long for him to notice that she's wet from before. She always is. And this makes him smile, mouth full of glittering teeth as his gaze travels up to her face. Eyes glowing down at her like a victory that's been stolen.
She keeps her eyes closed even though she can feel the laughter dancing across his body, his thrusts growing by the second and her body quaking from the pressure.
She holds her breath until he finishes. Waits until he growls like an animal as he releases inside of her, large hard body collapsing on top of hers, his breath washing over her cheek as he slowly begins to gain control of himself.
He holds her afterwards. He always does.
But she never returns the embrace. She just waits quietly until he slowly removes himself from her. Golden eyes staring at her with an expression she can't name. He eventually kisses her one last time before the brief emotion in his eyes vanishes and he sends her hurtling back into the land of the consciousness.
She wakes up in a cold sweat. Sunlight washing over her skin... and the ache between her legs still as present as it had been before.
Slowly Shuri rolls over onto her stomach and buries her face into her arms.
She doesn't cry. At least not from her eyes. But her heart feels like its bleeding and she doesn't have the energy to try and hide it. Not today.
She doesn't move from that spot for the rest of the morning.
Not when the servants come to summon her for the first meal with her mother. Or when she's summoned to the throne room as a sudden 'visitor' has shown up requesting the presence of every panther-blood in the vicinity.
Not even when T'challa walks in, hours later after many failed attempts of the servants to rouse her- and kneels beside her, brushing the hair out of her face with his soft hands and begging her to look at him.
She's just... too tired.