The following is video diary of Mordecai's struggles with depression.
6-28-15
I, uh-I'm, uhm, hi! A lot of people don't know this about me- well, scratch that, heh, no one knows this about me-, but I am clinically depressed. I was diagnosed when I was 15 or so. My Mom was the only one in the family who knew (and recognized) depression was a disease, so we decided to keep it from the rest of the family. My Dad thought depression was some silly made up reason people used to get out of work and such; he refused to see it as a disease, despite the scientific studies. The rest of my family was like minded. A while before I got diagnosed, I was watching a news report on it with my Dad. He said to me, "Mordecai, if you ever try to tell me you have "depression", I'll disown you faster than you can say 'I need a therapist'! Haha!" I didn't even know much about depression at the time. I had always been kind of a pessimist. It wasn't anything alarming, though. I mean, everyone is kind of a pessimist to some degree right? Anyway. Things started to change when I entered High School. My grades started dropping and I was anxious. I often spent the nights thinking about my future, thinking about who I was and how I got here, thinking about the grand scheme of things, thinking about how we've treated each other as humans in this vast world, just everything.I thought about everything! But at the same time, nothing at all. I just felt awful. I couldn't explain it. I still can't.
Then I got diagnosed, and I became scared. The fact that my mom couldn't afford a therapist or medications really scared me too. I knew there was something wrong with me, and then I felt inferior to everyone around me. Even my friend Rigby, and he had-no, has nothing going for him in life. So I did what I felt came naturally. I hid it. I put on a mask. I was afraid if I told people, they would ridicule me like my Dad would have, had he found out. So I hid it. I put on a mask. I'm doing that to this very day. In fact, I can't control it anymore. I can't take it off. My mask has become a part of me, and I've been someone else for 8 years now. I find it impossible to talk anyone about it. Not my best friend, not my mother, not anyone. That brings me as to why I'm keeping this video diary. My mental state has been deteriorating in the last few months. My girlfriend- erm, ex girlfriend CJ and I had been having problems for several months now, before we broke up some weeks ago. My other ex Margaret still has feelings for me and it only created problems which led to this mess with CJ. I'm not getting into the nitty-gritty.
Anyway, after I got dumped, an old friend of mine took me to a place called Dumptown, USA. It's place where dudes go to forget their problems recently after getting dumped. It was paradise, until Rigby showed up and made me realize I had lost my perception of time and that I had spent two weeks there when it had only felt like a few days. When we escaped, I realized one more thing. I can't run away from my problems. I had to talk to someone about my depression. My feelings. What goes on in my head. And I couldn't talk to anyone, for reasons I just told you. I decided to look up ways to help myself on the internet.
So there you have it! I decided to start a video diary. I should come up with a name for you, or... whatever it is I'm talking to. The website said to do so it'd feel more like I'm talking to a real person. So I think I'll call you... Amethyst. Funky name, I know. My boss started keeping an amethyst rock thing on his desk recently and I'm thinking of it right now. Not sure why. Anyway, this will be a log of what goes on in my head, as well as what happens to me on a day to day basis.
My name is Mordecai James Quintel. I am 23 years old. I wear a mask. I suffer in silence. This is the life I lead.
Until next time.