Bio-Jock

Disclaimer:I do not own Bioshock,Half Life,Ring of fire,Call of Duty,Silent Hill,Resident Evil,F.E.A.R,Portal,Drawn to life,No one Lives Forever,Killer7,Watchmen,Condemned:criminal Origins,

Chapter 1:Wrenches,Splicers and Boyos.

Jack:"One day,me old man came to me and said 'sonny,you're special,your meant to kill important people' and I bet hes right."

Jack sucked on his Cigarette and looked at his present from his parents. It said "would you kindly crash a plane over the Atlantic?".

Suddenly,the plane began to shake.

Jack:"Stewardess! Tell the pilots to stop dicking around,and wheres my chocolate Milkshake?"

Stewardess:"Everyone assume crash positions!"

Jack put on his floatation device.

Jack:"Those damn Terrorists!"

The Plane crashed into the water and broke into pieces. Jack started floating to the surface. He passed a purse,a shoe,a condom,a bra,a SPAS-12,an unlimited Ammo Briefcase,and a check for 1,000,000 dollars. He broke to the surface.

Jack:"Blleeaaggghh. Smells like the new Cartoon Network. Am I the only Survivor? These class 3 flights suck!"

He was surrounded by a ring of Fire.

Jack:"I fell in to a burning ring of fire!"

The only gap was closed by flames.

Jack:"Why the fuck did that happen?"

There was a massive light house nearby.

Jack:"Whats the Citadel from Half Life 2 doing here?"

He swam to the dock and got out of the water.

Jack:"Damn! It's colder than Overblood! Why couldn't I fly over the Pacific?"

He climbed up the steps and entered the lighthouse. The doors closed on him,hiding the room in darkness.

Jack:"That plot device is ridiculously unoriginal."

The lights came on,a large statue of a man holding the words "no gods or kings,only man" on a banner hovered over Jack.

Jack:"AAAAHHHHHHHH! A GIANT! DON'T HURT ME!"

Jack ran around the statue and down the stairs. He came to a Bathysphere with a lever inside.

Jack:"Good. He'll never find me in there."

He ran inside and pulled the lever. The hatch closed and the Sphere descended. A television screen lowered over the window. A projector shined on it. The words 'From the Desk of Andrew Ryan" appeared with a Man at a desk.

Jack:"That Mustache is retarded."

TV:"When a farmer harvests his crops,does he lay claim to them? 'NO' shouts James Sunderland 'THEY BELONG TO SILENT HILL'! 'NO' shouts Captain Price 'THEY BELONG TO CALL OF DUTY'! 'NO' shouts Chris Redfield 'THEY BELONG TO RESIDENT EVIL'!"

Jack grabbed a box of Popcorn and started eating it.

TV:"I chose a place where he could lay claim to them,it's called...FEAR! Wait,wrong game. It's called...RAPTURE!"

The screen rose,revealing a Large metropolis under the Ocean.

Jack:"This game is no place for originality. The Little Mermaid was probably the main influence for this game."

Noises started coming over the Service radio.

Noise 1:"Atlas,the spheres coming in."

Noise 2:"Johnny,the Splicers will be there any minute,haul your arse out of there,boyo!"

The Sphere began to dock.

Johnny:"Oh shit."

Atlas:"Johnny? Get your arse out of there now,boyo!"

The Sphere docked,Jack looked out the window and ate some more popcorn as a Spider splicer moved in on Johnny.

Johnny:"Please don't kill me. You can have my Gun.

Jack:"PISTOL WHIP HER!"

Johnny turned around.

Johnny:"What?"

That was the last thing he said,the splicer tore his guts out. She looked at the Bathysphere,and screamed. She Leaped on top of the bathysphere and it shook lightly.

Jack:"Ugh,she's humping the sphere."

Atlas:"Boyo,would you kindly pick up that service radio?"

Jack:"My name isn't boyo."

Atlas:"Just pick up the Darm radio!"

Jack did so and slipped it in his sweater pocket.

Atlas:"I don't know how the fuck you survived that plane crash,but you'll have to trust me. Take a deep breath and step out of the sphere,boyo."

Jack:"Why do you keep saying that?"

Atlas:"The contract says I have to say Boyo every 10 minutes."

Jack stepped outside.

Atlas:"Listen,you've got to get to higher ground,but first,you have to draw her out of hiding,Boyo."

Jack:"That damn accent is making my ears bleed."

He went into the next room.

Splicer:"I'll hang out your guts to dry."

Jack:"I'll ass-rape you to death."

Splicer:"Touche."

He saw the splicer behind a wall of rubble.

Splicer:"Ha Ha,at least Atlas never thought to hack that camera behind you to kill me with sentry bots. Ha Ha."

Atlas:"Got Ya,Boyo!"

Splicer:"Fuck."

Several sentry bots ripped her to shreds with their machine guns.

Atlas:"Now,would you kindly find a crowbare or somethin,boyo?"

Jack:"Would you kindly stop talking like an Irishman?"

Jack grabbed a wrench laying in front of a doorway. Then he smashed some girders blocking the way.

Jack:"What kind of steel is this? Plaster?"

He ducked under the rubble.

Meanwhile,at the top of the staircase,a Splicer spilled beer on his couch and lit it on fire with his cigar. He Threw it down the staircase so it wouldn't burn the place down.

Splicer:"MY COUCH IS ON FIRE!"

Jack leaped over the flaming sofa and stormed upstairs to kill the bastard who threw it. When he got to the top,the splicer confronted him.

Splicer:"I'm terribly sorry,would you like a-"

BAM!

Jack beat the splicer's brains out with his wrench.

Jack:"DIE YOU BUNNY MASK WEARING COCK SUCKER! FEEL THE WRAITH FROM MY WRENCH OF PAIN!"

After killing the Splicer,Jack was now covered in blood. He walked over to a bulkhead door with a sparking lever next to it. He tried pulling it,but got a nasty shock. In his frustration, he started smacking the door with his wrench.

Atlas:"There's a Gatherer's Garden near you,see if in has the Electro Balt,Boyo."

Jack:"What the fuck are you saying? What the fuck is an Electro Balt?"

Atlas:"It's a Plasmid,It gives you the ability to shoot electricity from your hand,boyo."

Jack:"Really? Sweet!"

Jack followed his way-point thing at the top of the screen to the Broken Gatherer's garden Machine. There was a Red bottle with a Syringe inside it,which he took.

Jack:"Are you sure this isn't acid or something?"

Atlas:"I guarantee it boyo."

Jack stabbed the syringe in his wrist and injected it.

Jack:"Nothing happened."

Atlas:"That's because it went through your arm,Boyo!"

The sharp point stuck out on the other side of Jack's arm,which he pulled back a little and injected again. His arms started sparking.

Atlas:"It's alright boyo,your genetic codes are just rewriting themselves."

Jack:"This stuff certainly acts like acid."

Jack backed up and fell off the balcony.

Jack:"Why the fuck did I do that?"

2 splicers came up to Jack.

Splicer 1:"This little lamb looks like he just had his cherry popped!"

Splicer 2:"That's horrible. No one's gonna laugh at that shit."

Splicer 1:"I wonder if he's got any ADAM on him?"

Splicer 2:"Back off! I saw him first!"

Splicer 1:"Oh yeah?"

The 2 morons started clubbing each other with their pipes until they were all bruised.

Splicer 1:"Great,now we'll have to squander 50 bucks for First Aid Kits at one of those blasted Vending Machines. I'm horrible at hacking."

Splicer 2:"Great,here comes a big daddy,lets split!"

Splicer 1:"Enjoy your time with the freak."

They took off as a Giant armored Drill wielding freak walked up to Jack.

Jack:"Mega Man?"

Then a little girl with a Needle came up to him.

Girl:"Look Mr. Bubbles,an Angel."

Jack:"Who the hell are you supposed to be,An Alessa Enthusiast?"

Girl:"Wait,he's still breathing. Lets go,I'm sure he'll be an Angel soon."

They departed as Jack got up.

Atlas:"Now use that Electro Balt to shock the switch,Boyo."

Jack looked at his hand,which was coursing with Electricity.

Jack:"Ummmm,How do I use it?"

Atlas:"Just flick your wrist,boyo. Be careful,you have a limited supply of-"

Jack shot a bolt of electricity at a nearby plant pot and destroyed it.

Jack:"COOL!"

He shocked a Chandelier,a Trash can,an Ash tray and even a Cat.

Atlas:"Conserve your EVE supply,BOYO!"

Jack:"EVE? ADAM? I thought religion wasn't welcome in Rapture."

Atlas:"JUST SHOCK THE BLOODY SWITCH,BOYO!"

Jack did so and the door opened. He proceeded into the glass tunnel and looked out the window

Jack:"Hey,that looks like the plane I was just on."

The upper section of the plane he was just on collided with the tunnel,flooding it.

Jack:"Damn it! This piss water is freezing!"

He jumped into a section with seats.

Jack:"Hey,this is where I was sitting,here's my present,That dead stewardess,and my cigarette."

Atlas:"Be careful,Cigarettes reduce your health,boyo."

Jack:"No shit douche-bag. What are you going to do? Have any smoke-away?"

He put the cig in his mouth and proceeded into a dark room. He picked up a First Aid kit and EVE Hypo.

Jack:"I have to inject this to restore my EVE? My arm's gonna be a living pincushion!"

He stuffed his face with some pep bars the inspected the vita chamber.

Jack:"I guess the designers were too drunk to add checkpoints."

He looted the corpse of some dead guy for 5 bucks and was about to leave before a Splicer surprised him.

Atlas:"SPLICERS! Zap em then whack em! The one-two punch. Remember,the one-two punch,boyo!"

Jack:"Jeez,you don't have to yell in my ear!"

Jack zapped the splicer the beat him over the head with his wrench. He continued to the next room. An elevator crashed and a Flaming Splicer jumped out.

Jack:"Elevator crashes,another unoriginal idea."

The Splicer tackled Jack.

Jack:"GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU CIRCUS CLOWN!"

He kicked him off and hit him with his wrench until he was dead.

Jack:"How the hell do you catch fire from an elevator crash?"

Jack got on the other working elevator. The tune from Portal was playing.

Atlas:"Now listen boyo. I have a family."

Jack:"Good for you." as he ate his Pep bar.

Atlas:"They're trapped in a Smuggler's cove behind Neptune's bounty. I can't reach them, but maybe,just maybe."

Jack:"Your family is scripted to die as I approach their submarine. I'm not gonna waste several hours running around for that."

Atlas:"I know you feel like the most unluckiest man in the world,but your the only hope of me seeing my wife and child again,boyo. Get to Neptune's Bounty and I'll be in your debt."

Jack:"Hmmm,Now I'm interested."

The elevator came to a stop. Jack got out and stole some cash from a teddy bear in front of this door. Then he saw a woman singing to her baby in a carriage.

Jack:"This is Bioshock, not Veggie Tales. Get lost sister."

Jack slammed down on her head with his wrench and looked in the cradle.

Jack:"What the hell? This woman gave birth to a .38."

He picked up the revolver and shot a nearby splicer with it. Then he wandered into this next room,which was the second floor over this stage. There was a little girl down below.

Atlas:"Would you kindly lower that weapon boyo?"

Jack:"No."

Atlas:"Fine. You think that's a little girl down there,boyo."

Jack:"Yeah,can I smoke her?"

Atlas:"Hell no! What you thought about on the surface doesn't apply down ere in Rapture,boyo."

Jack:"So I can't think about diapered cartoons?"

Atlas:"Just get across the damn over hanging lights!"

Jack started walking over the stage on these lights.

Atlas:"That thing down there is a little sister. She supplies ADAM,which keeps Rapture's wheel turning,Boyo."

Jack:"That sounded dirty."

Jack almost fell after Atlas said this,but he made it to the other side. He searched a briefcase,which held a Shotgun,but he thought it was fake,so he just left it. He descended to the lower floor. A Splicer came though the door and saw the little sister. He pulled out a fork and knife an cornered her.

Splicer:"Looks like I'm having ham again tonight!"

The little sister screamed,A bouncer smashed through the ceiling. The Splicer pulled out his pistol and aimed it at him.

Splicer:"Eat lead,sucker!"

He pulled the trigger and a little flag saying 'bang' popped out.

Splicer:"Ha,I also do birthday parties! AHAHAHA-"

His ridiculous laughter was cut off when the Bouncer socked him with his drill,slamming him into the wall. Then he actually drilled the splicer in the gut.

Splicer:"I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU LAUGH!"

The Bouncer grabbed the Splicer by the head and smashed him through the glass Jack was looking through.

Jack:"HOLY SNIKEES!"

The Bouncer and little sister departed,while Jack broke the lock on a nearby gate. He entered a bar and heard bickering.

Splicer 1:"All you care about is money,Money,Money!"

Splicer 2:"Well it's clear you don't care about it!"

Jack:"What the fuck?"

He consumed a few alcoholic Beverages (like Old Tom's Whiskey and that Russian vodka) then he looked over the railing and saw a splicer pounding on the door.

Splicer 2:"You old whore! You deleted my Drawn to Life save game!"

Splicer 1:"Well you were always masturbating to that Mari character!"

Further chatter was cut off by a bullet from Jack's Pistol to Splicer 2's head. Splicer 1 came out.

Splicer 1:"OH lord! My husbands dead! Woe is me! Take me instead dear-"

Another bullet from Jack's pistol silenced her as well. Jack looted the kitchen area,consumed more booze and went over to a pool of water.

Jack:"Did someone ferget to fix a leak?"

He picked up an Audio diary laying on a table.

Diary:"Well,here I am. Diane Mclintock,alone again. Oh well,I can get really wasted and if I'm lucky,so other dude will too and we'll have sex. Then I'll wake up in some creepy abandoned hotel,naked and completely confused. (Bang,Bang) Whats that noise? Why is this red stuff coming out of the hole in my chest?"

A few Splicers appeared in the pool.

Atlas:"If you see any of them in a body of water,Zap it with your electro Bolt,Boyo."

Jack:"I thought I was rid of you."

Jack zapped the pool with his Electro bolt and the splicers were fried.

Jack:"At least the physics engine is cool."

He wandered upstairs and into the ladies bathroom (he wanted to see what they do in there). He saw a Specter.

Specter:"My Face,it looks like that fat woman's from No one lives forever. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Jack:"I got to stop drinking. It feels like I'm in F.E.A.R."

He went to the last stall and grabbed another Audio Diary.

Diary:"Annie,I was wondering when you were gonna do something about the hole the size of Norton Mapes in your shitter. A guy can't take a piss with the feeling that a Big daddy will drill him from behind while he's doing it."

Jack:"Hmph,He's right about that."

A splicer came out of the first stall,without any pants on.

Splicer:"Can't a guy masturbate in peace!"

Jack shot the Splicer in the groin with his pistol. He fell over,spraying blood everywhere.

Jack:"Look's like you can't hold your blood."

Jack went into the men's room and climbed through the hole in the wall. He saw 2 Splicers standing over the corpse of a Bouncer.

Splicer 1:"I can't find anything."

Splicer 2:"Keep searching! These metal freaks must have passes to the Samus Aran Fan club."

Jack zapped the pool of water the Splicers were standing in,causing their heads to explode. He jumped down and searched the body of the Bouncer.

Jack:"Why are these big motherfuckers carrying 100 bucks? If I keep finding corpses like this,I'll be as rich as Mario."

He jumped down another floor.

Atlas:"Your close to the entrance of Neptune's Bounty,pick up the pace boyo!"

Jack:"I'm starting to hate Irish people."

Jack strolled to the doorway that lead to Neptune's Bounty. Suddenly,a security alert activated,Lights flashed red,a Gate closed in the doorway and a Flame-throwing turret popped up behind it.

Jack:"Why did an office chair with an oxygen tank appear during a security alert?"

The Turret shot fire at Jack,singeing him.

Jack:"The office chairs down here can shoot fire?"

Intercom:"Attention,due to the presence of a player character in the immediate vicinity,all doors have been secured for your safety."

Meanwhile,in a nearby closet...

2 Splicers were making out when the Security alert activated.

Splicer 1:"We're trapped in here Henry,what are we gonna do?"

Splicer 2:"How about we take off our clothes so our bodies will stay warm."

Splicer 1:"Good idea!"

Back to Jack (Hey,that rhymed)

Atlas:"Damn it! They sealed the door to Neptune's Bounty,head for the Medical Pavilion instead,boyo."

Jack:"Whatever,first I have to kill some more circus freaks."

Jack pulled the trigger on his pistol,and nothing happened. He used up all his ammo. A Splicer hit him in the head with a pipe.

Splicer:"YOU RUINED MY DINNER PARTY WITH MY FRIENDS!"

Jack:"Like who?"

Splicer:"I invited Rorschach,Mask de Smith,Ethan Thomas' inner demon,aaanannnannnnnddd-"

Jack shocked the Splicer and beat him over the head with his wrench.

Jack:"Atlas,I'm out of ammo and there are at least 3 more of them!"

Atlas:"What do you want me to do about it boyo?"

Jack:"Can't you drop a supply crate or rewind time to replenish my ammo?"

Atlas:"No,all I can do is hack doors,boyo."

Jack:"Then close the door I came through!"

Atlas:"Sorry,can't close holes."

Jack:"Your worthless!"

Jack tried to shock the pool of water the splicers were jumping in,but he was out of EVE too.

Jack:"Shit!"

Atlas:"I told you to conserve your EVE,boyo."

Jack:"Shut up!"

Jack quickly jabbed an EVE hypo in his arm to restore his EVE then he used the one-two punch on the Splicers.

Atlas:"You know the door to the Medical Pavilion is open,boyo?"

Jack:"I wish you would have gotten off your Irish ass and told me that 2 minutes ago!"

Jack ducked under the gate (which was held up by a story-necessary ashtray) and entered the airlock room. The opposite door closed,sealing him in. He banged on it with his wrench.

Jack:"Stupid Closing doors!"

Atlas:"Hang on Boyo,I'll get it open."

Jack leaned on the wall and ate a cream cake. The television screen behind a layer of glass turned on.

Jack:"Thanks for sending me a movie to watch while your working on the door."

Atlas:"I didn't send you a movie,boyo."

A man appeared on the screen.

Man:"Welcome newcomer,which one of the bitches sent you? The Russian puppy? Or the American Kitty?"

Jack:"Yo momma."

Man:"Whoever you are,we are already over populated. If you won't leave,we'll have to kill you. Our new 'population policy' states that tourists cannot stay more than 1 minute."

Jack:"Hey! Your the guy from the video!"

Splicers appeared and started pounding on the glass.

Jack:"You guys do know that glass is bullet-proof,right?"

Atlas:"Doors Open! Get yer Arse out of there,boyo!"

Jack:"Okay."

Jack ran in the airlock and escaped.

To be continued...

A/N:first of all,do not nag me to hurry up with my chapters,I'm a slow writer. Second,please review and tell me if you'd prefer Jack to harvest the Little sisters,or rescue them.

SURPREMASISTS SUCK!