I lost my disclaimer to seagulls. They said I don't own any GI Joe characters or titles of stories by Richard Bach. This is just some more madness from my mind.
Cobra Commander VS. Jonathon Livingston Sea Gull
"I didn't think we'd ever get through that storm," Destro grumbled as the Cobras sat in a living room type area on their ship tastefully decorated with a nautical theme and with blue and white chairs and couches. There was a huge glass window in the front of the room so you could see out on deck and the ocean.
"Good thing this yacht can convert to a submarine," Mindbender agreed. "It was easy once we went under water."
"Thirty seven hours under water is more than enough," The Baroness sighed. "I'm bored."
"We are all bored Baroness," Tomax said. He sat next to his brother on a large blue couch.
"It feels like we have been out to sea forever," Xamot added.
"We have!" The Baroness grumbled. "This is the worst sea trip ever. And I am including the time we were all almost eaten by our own mechanical sea serpent."
"Where is Cobra Commander?" Destro asked.
"HA HA HA HA!" Maniacal laughter was heard as well as the sound of laser blasts.
"Never mind," Destro sighed. "Drunk again I assume?"
"You assume correctly," The Baroness told him.
"Here birdie, birdie, birdie…"Cobra Commander staggered by the window. He had his blaster out and was firing randomly into the sky.
"Does anyone know why the Commander is shooting seagulls?" The Baroness asked.
"Maybe he's imagining them as his enemies?" Mindbender shrugged. "He used to do that with some of our troops."
"No, when he did that he was always angry," Destro shook his head. "And sounded like the Goodyear Blimp leaking helium."
"Birdie is gonna go bye bye!" Cobra Commander staggered back again giggling and shooting in the air. "Bye Bye Birdie…"
"I think this is just one of his binges and he gets bored," Destro shrugged. "Although I can sympathize with the man. I admit this whole trip is getting quite monotonous."
"With the occasional invasion of ghosts and sea monsters trying to kill us," The Baroness pointed out. "So what do you want to do? Watch satellite TV?"
"Can't get a signal," Tomax shook his head.
"Put together a jigsaw puzzle?" Mindbender suggested.
"No puzzle," Xamot told him.
"Cobra Commander threw that in the ocean. Remember?" Tomax said.
"Oh right. He got stuck trying to find all the corner pieces and lost his temper," Mindbender remembered.
"And we lost our only puzzle," Destro sighed. "And the only board game we had on the ship."
"And our cards," The Baroness added. "Boy Cobra Commander is really a sore loser."
"So what do we do?" Mindbender asked.
"How about charades?" Tomax suggested.
"How about not?" Destro gave him a look.
"Why not?" Mindbender asked. "If we bring Cobra Commander in we can play in teams and…I just figured out why that is a bad idea!"
"If it is anything like the last time we played charades it certainly is," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "It took me weeks to grow my eyebrows back."
"Well there must be something we can do around here!" Destro said.
"How about a game of I Never?" Xamot suggested.
"Why? We already know way too much about each other for our own sanity," Destro asked.
"It's a way to pass the time," Xamot shrugged.
"And do a little team bonding," Tomax said.
"If our team was any more bonded they'd need the Jaws of Life to break us apart," The Baroness quipped.
"Do you have a better idea?" Tomax asked.
"Unfortunately no," The Baroness admitted. "Do we have any alcohol left or did the Commander drink it all?"
"No, I have a stash over here," Destro went to a cabinet and pulled out a large bottle of scotch and several small glasses. He put them on the coffee table. "All right you all know the rules."
"Uh…" Mindbender held up his hand.
"Basically we go around the table and say something we never did," The Baroness explained. "And if any of us has done something the person said, we take a drink. And so on."
"Oh that sounds easy," Mindbender nodded.
"I'd like to make an addendum to the rules," Destro spoke up as he poured the drinks into the glasses. "Even though traditionally this game is about what kind of sexual shenanigans people have done, I think for the well-being of our own sanity we should have a rule about not making any statements of a sexual nature."
"Considering who we are playing with I believe that is a good rule," The Baroness looked around. First at Mindbender. Then the Twins. Then Mindbender again.
"Agreed," The Crimson Twins nodded then glared at Mindbender.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Mindbender asked.
"Because we already know too much about your love life," Destro said. "And knowing any more would give us nightmares!"
"Is this about me occasionally dating my experiments or that weekend I spent in Denmark two years ago at that mad scientist convention?" Mindbender asked.
"Both actually," Destro said. "Not to mention the infamous Christmas Party of 1985 where you disappeared into a closet with that transvestite."
"It was an easy mistake to make while drunk," Mindbender grumbled.
"He had a beard!" The Baroness shouted. "And more hair on his arms than a monkey."
"You know your love lives aren't exactly a subject I want to hear about either," Mindbender pointed out. "Between you and Destro and the Twins with that Twit Deming I can imagine some hairy situations as well."
"Not half as hairy as when you and the transvestite let an actual monkey into the closet!" The Baroness pointed out.
"Okay. No sex talk. That's the only subject that's off limits," Mindbender conceded. "So who goes first?"
"I will," Destro thought for a moment, "I never joined the circus."
"Oh yes," Xamot grumbled as he picked up a shot with his brother.
"That's a fair question," Tomax agreed as they took a drink.
"Really!" Mindbender took a drink as well.
"Wait, Mindbender you were in the circus?" Xamot did a double take.
"That explains his choice of outfits," Tomax remarked.
"When I was a boy," Mindbender shrugged. "I spent a summer with my Uncle Carl travelling around Europe. He was an animal trainer. I helped feed and take care of the animals. That's how I became interested in being a dentist actually."
"How did working for an animal trainer get you interested in being a dentist?" Xamot asked.
"Well…Uncle Carl wasn't a very good animal trainer," Mindbender scratched his head. "And one of my jobs was to clean the mouths of the animals when they bit people. And one day I had to clean out part of Uncle Carl from a lion's mouth…"
"Say no more!" Destro held up his hand.
"Please!" The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"It was rather fascinating how everything was all ground up and…" Mindbender went on.
"NO!" Destro shouted. He looked at the Baroness on his right side. "Baroness you go next!"
"All right," The Baroness thought. "I never had a birthday party as a child."
"Does it count if you throw yourself a birthday party…?" Xamot held up his hand.
"And you and your brother are the only guests?" Tomax finished.
"Uh…No," The Baroness shook her head.
"Oh well in that case," The Twins shrugged. Destro and Mindbender took a drink.
"I loved birthdays as a child," Mindbender sighed. "Especially that summer with Uncle Carl. Ironically that was the day I discovered dentistry. You see Uncle Carl decided to try out a new trick for my birthday. It didn't work."
"Oh this is going to be a long game…" Destro moaned. "Xamot. Tomax. You're up. Might as well do it together."
"You do everything else together," The Baroness agreed.
"Not necessarily," Xamot smirked. "You see I never…dressed up like a woman in order to get close to another woman."
"You swore you'd never bring that up!" Tomax bristled.
"I lied," Xamot chirped. "Take a drink brother!"
"You backstabbing…" Tomax took a drink. He saw Mindbender taking a drink as well. "Mindbender?"
"I'd just seen the movie Tootsie," Mindbender shrugged. "I figured if it worked for Dustin Hoffman…"
"Why does that not surprise me?" Xamot grumbled.
"How's this for a surprise?" Tomax glared at his brother. "I never…wet the bed when I was sixteen!"
"You dirty…" Xamot glared at him. "That was once! ONCE!"
"Take a drink brother!" Tomax sneered as his brother was forced to drink.
"Oh everybody has an accident like that!" Mindbender took a drink. "No big deal!"
Everyone looked at Mindbender. "It only happened because I was seriously ill in a hospital while visiting relatives during summer vacation," Mindbender went on.
"Is this the same infamous summer vacation with Uncle Carl?" Destro asked.
"No, this was later," Mindbender waved. "I was with my Aunt Helen…Later known as the Poisoner of Prague."
"Oh wait. That sounds familiar," Destro blinked. "Wasn't she the one that was having an affair with the Mayor and…?"
"Yes…" Mindbender sighed.
"And that thing with the circus performers and the goat…?" The Baroness's jaw dropped.
"Yes," Mindbender admitted.
"And that whole incident with her husband and those prostitutes in the police station?" Destro was stunned. "And the poisoned strudel and…"
"YES!" Mindbender snapped. "Yes! I was one of the relatives she poisoned on her infamous Dinner of Revenge! And one of the few that survived!"
"Holy crap…" The Crimson Twins said as one.
"This explains a few things," The Baroness said. "No wonder you prefer to date your experiments! They must seem tame compared to your family!"
"Oh yeah? I was never in a twenty something long year relationship that ended in complete failure!" Mindbender said smugly.
"I knew he was going to throw that in our face sometime during this game," The Baroness grumbled as the other Cobras took a drink.
"All right I fear we are getting dangerously close to the no sex rule," Destro spoke up.
"Fine. It's your turn Destro," Mindbender waved.
"All right I…." Destro began.
"AAAAAAHH!" Cobra Commander ran by the window. He was being chased and pecked by seagulls.
"I was never attacked by a flock of angry sea gulls after trying to shoot them for target practice," Destro spoke up. No one took a drink.
"AAAA!" Cobra Commander ran by again still being pecked by sea gulls. One of them was holding onto his behind with his beak.
"I was never bitten on the ass by a sea gull after I tried to shoot it," The Baroness spoke up. No one drank again.
"AAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander staggered back yet again with sea gulls all over him.
"We never had a flock of sea gulls…" Xamot began.
"Try to peck our eyes out," Tomax smirked.
Again no one took a drink. "I never had a flock of sea gulls go to the bathroom on me at the same time after I tried to shoot them," Mindbender said cheerfully. "Parrots yes but not…"
"Mindbender no one's drinking. It's my turn," Destro waved. "Ah speaking of relieving oneself…I never urinated in any of Cobra Commander's food."
Everyone looked at each other. The Baroness and Mindbender took a drink. "NO!" Xamot laughed wildly.
"When?" Tomax asked.
"How?" Xamot said. "Uh the Baroness obviously."
"It was 1983," The Baroness said smugly. "Cobra Commander made a very sexist remark that I shall not repeat. It was about a woman's place and cooking."
"Was it that banquet we had the night before pre celebrating our inevitable victory?" Xamot asked.
"Which never happened?" Tomax rolled his eyes.
"That is the one. So I excused myself to the ladies room and picked up a small vial…" The Baroness smirked. "After which I took a brief detour through the kitchen and added my secret ingredient to his soup!"
"That's priceless!" Destro laughed heartily. "Mindbender?"
"1989 Christmas Party," Mindbender smirked. "I went in his punch glass. And again in 1990. Well he said he loved my punch recipe so…"
"That is just wicked!" Tomax laughed.
"Why didn't we think of that?" Xamot agreed.
"I've got one," The Baroness giggled. "I never put super glue on Cobra Commander's toilet."
Destro took a drink. "That was you?" Mindbender's jaw dropped.
"That it was," Destro smirked.
"I thought it was the Dreadnoks!" Mindbender said.
"No, but I made everyone think they did it," Destro grinned. "It was easy to plant the super glue tube in Torch's vest pocket. He was passed out drunk too."
"I remember that!" The Baroness laughed. "So the Dreadnoks didn't deserve being chased around by Cobra Commander in that snow tank wearing nothing but their underwear in Antarctica?"
"Oh I wouldn't say they didn't deserve it," Destro grinned. "I just pushed their punishment along."
"We have one!" Xamot said. "We never…"
"Purposely locked Cobra Commander out of his headquarters out at night," Tomax spoke up.
"Guilty!" Destro and The Baroness said cheerfully before taking a drink.
"Remember the Jungle Terror Dome in 1987?" Destro asked.
"He was just being annoying," The Baroness explained. "And we wanted some time alone."
"So the lock 'accidentally' got stuck on the door when he went out to inspect some 'faulty' wiring that didn't need to be inspected anyway," Destro made some air quotes.
"We turned off the outside speakers and had a lovely evening," The Baroness grinned. "Shame the Commander was attacked by those mutated jaguars."
"Who do you think sent out the mutant jaguars in the first place?" Mindbender chuckled.
"I knew it!" Destro laughed. "I knew you had something to do with that!"
"Of course it was me! Everyone knew except Cobra Commander!" Mindbender laughed. "Oh no, Cobra Commander. Sometime animals mutate in the wild and gain the ability to glow in the dark themselves!"
"Or have two heads!" Xamot laughed.
"He was in the hospital for weeks!" Tomax laughed.
"We were all able to go on vacation," Destro laughed. "Remember Baroness the weekend we spent in the Bahamas?"
"Oh that was wonderful!" The Baroness sighed. "I haven't had a vacation like that in years!"
"AAAAAAAAH!" Cobra Commander ran by again still covered by birds. "GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"
"If we're lucky we may just have another one real soon," Destro snorted.
"Oh I have one! I have one!" Mindbender spoke up. "I never purposely set Cobra Commander on fire!"
Everyone took a drink. Mindbender smirked and picked up his glass. "Just kidding! I did it too!" He took a drink.
Everyone laughed manically. "Okay I have another one," Destro spoke up. "I never stole money from Cobra Commander while he was passed out drunk."
The Baroness and Mindbender took a drink. "My turn!" The Baroness snickered. "I never…"
"AAAAAAH!" Cobra Commander ran by again. This time he was on fire as well as being pecked by sea gulls.
"I never set myself on fire while being pecked by sea gulls," The Baroness blinked.
"How do you set yourself on fire and the sea gulls don't get set on fire?" Mindbender blinked.
"Leave it to Cobra Commander to find a way," Destro chuckled.
"HELP! I NEED HELP! WATER! WHERE CAN I FIND WATER?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"He does know there's an entire ocean right behind him right?" The Baroness asked.
SPLASH!
"He does now," Destro quipped.
"Okay we have never been so drunk we have not known where an ocean is when we are standing right next to it!" Xamot laughed.
"I suppose we should go rescue him now," Mindbender tried to calm down but wasn't succeeding. He kept laughing hysterically.
"Must we?" Destro chuckled.
"He has a point," The Baroness smirked. "Think about it. If by some terrible tragedy Cobra Commander drowns or burns…"
"AAAAAAAAAH!" Cobra Commander appeared to leap out of the water for a second. Behind him was a shark that leapt up snapping at his heels. Both fell to the water with a splash.
"Or eaten by a shark…" The Baroness went on. "Who are we to ignore destiny?"
"I've never had a boss that was eaten by a shark!" Mindbender called out.
"Wait a few minutes," Destro smiled. "That may change."
"AAAAAGGH! AGGGH!" Cobra Commander somehow managed to get back onto the boat. "BACK! BACK YOU SAVAGE BEAST!" His uniform was torn in several places.
"Oh…It looks like none of us gets to take a drink," The Baroness chuckled and snapped her fingers. "Darn!"
"Errwerrrrgggg…" Cobra Commander made a strange sound as he staggered to the window. He fell against the glass and slowly slid down. He collapsed on the deck. The final insult to injury was that a lone sea gull landed on his helmet and relieved itself on it. The bird flew away with a triumphant caw.
"In the battle of Cobra Commander Verses Jonathan Livingston Sea Gull, the winner…The sea gull!" Destro quipped. "Oh I've never lost a battle of wits with a sea gull!"
"I suppose it's too much to hope for that he's dead isn't it?" The Baroness sighed.
"Well he survived the two headed jaguars," Mindbender remarked. "So it stands to reason he would survive the sea gulls and the shark."
"Oh well," Tomax sighed.
"I suppose we have to go take care of Cobra Commander now," Xamot shrugged.
"Just when the game was getting good," The Twins said as one.
"This game got really fun once we learned how to play it," Mindbender agreed.
"You know another fun game?" Destro smirked. "Let's TP Cobra Commander And Lock Him In The Storage Closet!"
"Oooh! I think I am going to like that game!" The Baroness laughed. "I stand corrected. This is not the worst sea trip ever!"
"It has its moments I must admit," Destro grinned as the Cobras went out to torture their leader.