The Path I Have Chosen

I know that the Headmaster has sent me to spy on the Dark Lord; but in truth, I do this of my own accord. The side of the Light needs me. It's the only way we can win this war. Even if they all hate me, I must do this. This is the only way to atone for my sins from the past. I must bleed, cry and suffer. That is the only way. Now that the Dark Lord is back I must resume my work as a spy once again.

I felt the Dark Mark burn and I knew then that my fate was sealed.

I go to my rooms and pull out my Death Eater robes from their cleverly concealed trunk. I just stare at them for a moment; I have not seen them for over fourteen years. Memories of the past flash before my eyes. I cannot let them affect me.

I put on the Death Eater robes and stand before the mirror. All I see is evil.

I feel evil. I hate myself for my past. But I cannot let it affect me, for I know I must be strong.

I have a job to do and I can't crack now.

I exit my room and walk toward the gates. All I hear is my own footsteps echoing. My breath quickens. The closer I get to the gates the more nervous I become. Questions start crossing my mind. Will the Dark Lord kill me? Will he torture me? Will he accept me back into the fold? More and more questions assault my mind. I quickly push them away. I cannot let them affect me, for I need to focus on my task ahead.

I pass through the gates.

I put on my Death Eater mask and roll up my sleeve. There, on my pale skin, lies the Dark Mark. I stare at it. It repulses me.

I pull out my wand and press it to my tattoo. I hear the crack as I Disapparate, pulled toward the Dark Lord's location..

I land gracefully on my feet in the middle of a graveyard. I gather myself quickly, strengthening my mental shields and calming my raging heart.

I am standing in the centre of the Death Eaters' circle.

And there he is.

The Dark Lord turns and faces me.

His red eyes look me up and down. His face is full of rage. Perhaps I made a mistake coming back to him. But I have a job to do; I must not let doubt affect me.

"Severus, you are late"

I am on my knees in an instant.

"My Lord, please! I have only just managed to get away... I couldn't have come to you! I….

"CRUCIO!"

My body started shaking. I can't stop the pain but I don't scream. I don't know how long I was under the spell, but when the Dark Lord finally stopped I could barely breathe. There was relief for only a moment, before he hissed the curse once more. Again and again he slashed his wand; again and again I was crippled with agony.

After the tenth time I lost count.

When he allowed me to speak I told the Dark Lord what the Headmaster told me to tell him. He believed me. He wanted his spy back and side of light had their spy back as well. Once again I was a double agent.

He Crucioed me one more time just for being late, and then everyone else was dismissed. He stared at me for a moment longer, an expression on his hideous face that I could not decipher. And then I was alone.

I lay on the ground, trying to regain my energy, so I could make it back to Hogwarts.

When I finally manage to Apparate, the Headmaster is waiting for me in the grounds. He catches me as I fall and carefully carries me to the Hospital Wing. I do not think I would have made it by myself.

I lie here in the bed, thinking about the events of past two hours. They are running wild through my mind and I can't stop them.

I'm alive. Anyone else would be relieved. I am simply shocked. I look over at the Headmaster, who is sitting in a chair beside my bed. I think about the questions that haunt my mind. How many acts of sin must I commit, as a double agent?

How many people do I have to torture and kill just to remain a spy?

How long will this war last?

And the one that fills me with the most concern. The most confusion. The most fear.

How long can I continue to walk the path I have chosen?