Burden Shared: The Team
AN: I watched the scene in Fit For Duty where Ed approaches the team at the end of the episode. Played it back several times to see if I could figure out what Greg sad when Ed came into the room. You can't hear the audio there, just music. But I'm lousy at reading lips, and don't have close captioning, so I just went with what I thought it might be. If anyone else could make out what he was saying, please let me know and I'll edit this first part of my story.
This is another followup to my stories Burden Shared: Clark and Burden Shared: Sophie. Just my take on what the conversation was around the table with Ed's team following his talk with the doctor after the incident on the ferry. Spoilers for Broken Peace and Fit For Duty.
AN #2: Also, seeing as how the female psychologist that Ed visited was never named, not even on the cast list for the show, I've given her a name, since I needed it for the story
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Ed Lane pulled a folder from his locker, hesitating for only a moment before heading toward the briefing room. As he approached he saw the team gathered around the table. Spike spotted him walking toward the room, which alerted the others to his presence. He stopped briefly at the door, glancing around at his team.
He looked at his boss, Greg Parker. "This a bad time?" he asked.
Greg shook his head. "No, we're finished here."
Ed took his seat, looking around the table. "I need to talk," he said, placing the file on the table in front of him. He flipped open. "Need to talk...about May Dalton." As he spread the photos of the dead girl out in front of him, he felt Greg's hand on his arm and glanced over to see a smile on his friend's face. This day was a long time coming. He'd known that Greg had been concerned about him. The man had tried to talk to Ed on several different occasions, but Ed had always rebuffed him, repeatedly insisting that he was fine. Both of them had known he was far from 'fine' and Ed could see that his boss was relieved that this conversation was finally happening. Ed gave him a nod of gratitude.
"Who's May Dalton?" Leah asked.
Ed sighed. "May Dalton is the woman who has been haunting my nightmares for the last few months," he admitted. "The others were there the night she died...the night I killed her." He closed his eyes and shook the negative thoughts from his head. "May and her mother, Michelle, had been in hiding from May's father, who was an abusive husband. He found them the night of May's eighteenth birthday. We were able to corner them on the roof of the York Hotel." Ed picked up one of the photos that showed May's dead body on the graveled rooftop.
"She was a young girl who'd had to grow up too fast," Ed remarked. "She just wanted to be safe...wanted her mother safe. That night...her father had a gun, was waving it around. He'd taken her mom and dragged her to the roof. Greg tried to talk to him, but he wasn't listening. The decision was made to bring May to the roof. She...she begged us to give her the chance to talk to him. We didn't know she had a gun."
As his voice got quieter, Sam dropped a hand onto his shoulder, lending his silent support. "Sam and I had both taken up positions on the father. When May pulled a gun and started after him, I focused my aim on her." He rubbed his thumb across May's face in the photo. "Everybody was yelling at her to stop...to drop the gun. She..." He threw the photo down and it slid across the table, stopped when it hit Spike's hands. "She took a couple of shaky shots at her father." He looked at Greg. "I know you didn't want call Scorpio that night."
Greg nodded. "It was a tough call, but it had to be done, Eddie." Parker took the photo from Spike. "I've had my own nightmares about that night. I should never have allowed her up there."
"We all thought it was a good idea, Greg," Ed told him. "He wanted to see his daughter. We thought it would calm him down. Nothing else was working. None of us knew she had an ulterior motive."
"I never suspected anything," Spike said. "And I spend quite a bit of time with her in the truck. She just seemed scared for her mom."
"We all learned a good lesson that night," Jules Callaghan spoke up. "I know I did. I had my hand on her shoulder. I saw her reaching for her purse, but it never occurred to me that she was reaching for a gun until she had it in her hand. It all happened so fast."
Ed nodded, taking the photo back from Greg. "I keep seeing her face everytime I look through the scope. I see blood and I see her face." He turned to face Sam. "When we were shooting those golf balls, that's what happened. I didn't lose my breath. When that last ball exploded, I saw a spray of blood and her face. It took me my surprise." Sam nodded, understanding completely, but stayed quiet and allowed Ed to continue.
"The night we did the debrief, their was a lot of tension and disagreement. I lot of people taking the blame for what happened." His gaze took in Jules and Greg, both of whom had felt guilty for allowing May to do what she'd done. "Raf quit SRU that night because of her death, because of how it went down. He was right about one thing, though. I wish her first shot would have been to her father's heart. God forgive me, but I wish she would have killed him. If she had, she probably would have dropped her gun, and I wouldn't have had to shoot her."
He turned to Sam. "And I...God, Sam, I can't tell you how many times I wish I had ordered you to switch your aim to her, so that I hadn't been the one forced to take that shot. And then I feel guilty about even thinking of placing that burden on you. Because I would never wish what I've been going through on anyone, especially a friend. As TL, it was my responsibilty, but that night, I didn't want that responsibility."
Sam squeezed the hand he still had on Ed's shoulder, before dropping his hand. "You don't know how many times I've been glad you didn't give that order. I'm not sure I would have been able to pull the trigger." He looked around at the others. "I think we all know how hard it's been on you." The others nodded their agreement. "We just...I didn't know what to say, how to help. I wanted to resent Raf for leaving like he did. I thought he was a coward, taking the easy way out, turning his back on us and walking out. But then, I'd think how much courage it took for him to walk away...to not want to put himself in that position again."
Spike picked up one of the other photos sitting on the table. "When I read the newspaper report the next morning, I got so mad. They had no clue what happened on that roof. They made it sound like we executed her. I wanted to hate her. But then I'd think about what I'd do if I was in her shoes, just wanting to protect her mom. I second-guessed myself a lot. Did she give off any clues that I missed? Ed, we've all felt guilty about that night. I can't imagine what it's been like for you. Hell, I even feel guilty about being grateful I wasn't the one who had to shoot her."
Ed smiled at Spike's admission. "Trust me, Spike. I wish I hadn't been the one either. But, that's my job. That night, for a split second, I contemplated shooting to wound. I still sometimes think that would have been the better option. But Jules was right," he said, making eye contact with her. "We can't start down that path. As much as we would like to.
"I've re-read this report a hundred times," Ed continued. "I know what I did...what we did...that night was the right thing to do, the correct thing...but it still seems so wrong. Greg and I...we promised to protect her, keep her safe, keep her mom safe. And we failed. We failed in a spectacular fashion. I thought that I was dealing with it, that I was handling it, like I always have. At least that's what I told myself, what I wanted to believe." He looked at his boss. "Greg knew better. He tried to help me, but I wouldn't let him. I was stubborn. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't handle it. And that put all of you in danger. Today on that ferry...I could have got Jules killed. I hesitated to shoot because I didn't think he deserved to die. I hesitated...because I didn't want another May Dalton."
Ed rubbed his eyes, wiping away the threatening tears. "And then I ran. I didn't even know where I was going when I left, I just knew I had to get out of there. I failed to do my job and I couldn't face all of you." Not able to look any of them in the eye, he stared out the window behind Spike and Leah.
He felt a hand on the back of his neck and knew it was Greg. The man was a rock, always there when needed, even when Ed wasn't ready to admit to that need. When he turned his face, he saw the pride in Greg's eyes, and the strength that had always been there for him to draw from. Greg Parker, a man who had his own personal demons, yet had never failed to stand by him.
"Where did you go?" Greg asked. "Where did you run to?" Ed figured he already knew, but wanted him to say it out loud, not only for his benefit, but for the benefit of the team. He wanted the team to know that it was okay to ask for help. That even the strongest of them needed it sometimes. Ed nodded, ready to get them message across. Greg leaned back in his chair, lending his quiet support.
"Dr. Baxter," he said, then turned to the others. "Dr. Elizabeth Baxter." He shook his head and smiled. "I always told myself that I would never visit a shrink, that I didn't need one. I was Ed Lane. I was too tough, too strong, too levelheaded to need that kind of help. Only those who were too weak to handle life on their own needed to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. God, I was so wrong.
"I have been so messed up. And I don't think it was just May Dalton. It's been all of them, all the kills that haunt me. She was...May Dalton... was just the last in a long line of faces. She was the worst, because she was the most innocent. She was the one who least deserved to lose her life at my hands. She's dead and her bastard of a father is still alive. I thought I was handling it okay, but as I look back on it now, I was just deluding myself.
"Not long ago, I was ordered to meet May's mother, Michelle. She wanted to talk to me and the brass thought it would be good for our public image. Show that we were compassionate, empathetic. I didn't want to do it. I had met with family members before. It never turned out well."
"But this one was different," Greg prompted.
"Yeah. You know, Greg, I'm glad you didn't follow me out of the room that night."
"Not a chance, buddy. I've seen what you do to the punching bag, I didn't want to be on the receiving end of those fists," Parker teased.
"How was it different?" Jules asked.
Ed shook his head and looked her way. "I expected anger, hatred, a lot of yelling and blame. Instead...instead, I received forgiveness."
"May's mother forgave you for shooting her daughter?" Spike asked, surprised.
"Yeah. She forgave me, said it was what May would have done. I didn't know what to say. It wasn't normal for a family member to do that. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't understand why she didn't hate me. I'm ashamed to say, I ran then too. I keep running away from my problems, ignoring them, hoping they'll go away. But they never do," he admitted. "I just kept trying to stuff them in a box, push them away so I didn't have to deal with them. But, today, on that ferry, the box exploded in my face. If Sam hadn't stepped up and done the job, I'm not sure what would have happened."
"I backed you up, Ed," Sam told him. "Just like you've done for me on any number of occasions. We're a team."
Ed nodded. "All the same, today I wasn't a very good team member or leader. Things came to a head today when I went to talk to Elizabeth. I had a breakdown of sorts. She took me up to the roof of her building and we talked about all the rooftops I'd been on since I joined SRU. All the shots I'd made from those rooftops. All the kills I'd made. It all came falling in on me up there and I broke down."
The team could tell that it was hard for Ed to admit to what he thought was a weakness on his part. Leah was the one who spoke up.
"I can't pretend to understand how you were feeling or what you've been going through," she said. "I've never had to deal with that kind of situation. But, I have been forced to shoot and kill. It's never easy. It's not supposed to be. But the fact that you not only are getting help, but you're allowing us to see how much you're hurting, tells me that you have more strength and more courage than you think you have." She reached across the table and picked up one of the photos of the dead girl. "This kind of this thing leeches into your soul, tears you down. Too many have let it get so bad that the only solution for them was to eat their guns. I, for one, am glad you decided to seek help. We need you, but we need you whole."
Ed smiled. "I'm getting there, Leah. It'll be a long journey, but I think it's worth it. I wish I'd done it sooner."
"You weren't ready before," Greg remarked. "Now you are. It's that simple."
"I'm just grateful that it didn't cost any of you your lives for me to get my head out of my ass."
"At least now I can kick your ass if I need to without fear of giving you a concussion," Greg said dryly.
Spike snorted, trying hard not to laugh, but finally unable to resist, he busted out in laughter, followed by everyone else in the room, including Ed. It felt good to laugh again. He hadn't found much to laugh about in recent months. None of them had.
"So, what now?" Greg asked, once everyone had calmed down again.
"Now, I have a lot of work to do. I'm putting in for some sick leave, two weeks. Elizabeth and I are going to have some daily sessions. I need to talk to Clark and Sophie. I've neglected them for too long. I'm hoping they go to some of the sessions with me."
"You know they will," Greg insisted.
"Yeah, I know Sophie will. I hope Clark will, as well. I've missed him being in my life. We've been like strangers lately and I know it's all on me. Elizabeth seems to think that Clark can handle hearing about this part of my job. I plan to talk to him as soon as I can." He looked around the room. "I'll like to have some group sessions with the team, if you all would be willing."
"Count me in," Spike said.
"Me too," Sam assured him. Jules and Leah just nodded their heads to show their willingness.
"I think that's a great idea,"Greg said. "You know I'll do anything I can. It might be good for all of us."
"I know it still bothers Wordy, too," Ed remarked. "I thought I'd see if he wanted to join us. I'm not sure about Raf. I know he wasn't happy with how things went down that night. The few times I've seen him since then, he gets a look on his face like he just swallowed something bitter or like he'll catch whatever disease I have."
"I can talk to him, if you like," Greg offered, aware that Raf's reaction that night had always bothered his TL. "See if he'd be interested in joining us. No promises."
Ed nodded, then looked at each team member, making sure to make eye contact, wanting them to know how grateful he was for their friendship. "I just want to tell you all how sorry I am about the way I've been acting. And to thank you for not giving up on me."
"That will never happen," Sam ensured him. "You're our strength, our backbone. This team wouldn't be the same without you." Murmurs of agreement echoed around the table. "We support each other. It's what we do. That's what makes this team the best of the best."
Ed smiled. "You all make me proud to be a part of this team. You're my second family."
"We feel the same, Eddie," Greg assured him, slapping a big hand down on his friend's shoulder. "I can't tell you how proud I am that you're finally dealing with this...and in the right way. The good way. And I think you're right that it will do us all good to talk to Elizabeth. This job... it tends to eat away at you... every call is high stress, life and death. It has burned out some very good cops. Elizabeth knows that first hand. She saw it with her father. I know I would have been long gone without her."
"She's just what I needed. No games, no pushing...just talking."
"Just talking," Greg repeated with a grin.
Ed leaned back in his chair. His world and his life were finally getting back on track and the sense of relief was enormous. He felt like a huge boulder had been lifted from him. The burden that had been dragging him down was lightened as his team took on some of its weight. And they had willingly taken on the weight without question, because they knew that he would, and had done, the same for them. It was a good feeling.
/THE END/
I've started a Yahoo group for Flashpoint. Flashpoint Fanatics. Feel free to come over and join in the discussion of all things Flashpoint. So far I'm the only member, but I'd welcome anyone who wants to come by and talk the characters, the actors, the stories and so on.