The disclaimer is gone. You know the one that says that I don't own any GI Joe characters? I think it ran off somewhere. Just a tiny bit of madness from my demented brain. What would happen if…
Cobra Commander Gets A Pet
"I'm getting worried about Cobra Commander," Mindbender spoke up to the Cobras in the ship's lounge.
"We're all worried about Cobra Commander," Destro remarked.
"Yes, but I'm a bit more worried than usual," Mindbender told the other Cobras. "Ever since we left port the other day and went out to sea he's been locked in his room."
"What's wrong with that? Maybe he's just passed out drunk again?" The Baroness remarked as she casually read a magazine.
"I thought that too but I heard him talking to someone and other than us there's no one on this ship," Mindbender said.
"Again, he could be just drunk," The Baroness didn't seem interested.
"As long as he's not shooting anyone or setting anything on fire I don't care what he does in his room," Destro said calmly as he read a paper. "Quite frankly, the less I know what Cobra Commander does in his room the better it would be for my mental health."
"Cobra Commander does seem to be a little down lately," Tomax remarked. The Crimson Twins were doing crossword puzzles out of a puzzle magazine.
"Well he has lost his entire organization," Xamot said. "That's bound to get anyone down."
"Except for us, unfortunately…" Destro sighed. He put the paper down and thought a moment. "You know the more I think about it, the more I am starting to get worried."
"Oh come on Destro," The Baroness waved. "The Commander is probably just coming up with another cockamamie scheme for us to get cash or regain power or something like that."
"That's why I am starting to get worried," Destro gave her a look.
"You have a point," The Baroness put down her magazine. "So what do we do?"
"Perhaps Cobra Commander needs a distraction?" Mindbender suggested. "Something to take his mind off his troubles."
"Really? What sort of drug have you come up with?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
"Nothing medicinal. Besides the Commander is already on more prescription medication than an entire rest home," Mindbender waved. "I was thinking more along the lines of a hobby."
"The Commander has a hobby," Destro pointed out. "Making our lives a living hell."
"I mean something that doesn't involve us," Mindbender said. "Perhaps a pet would cheer him up?"
"A pet?" Tomax sat up.
"Are you out of your mind?" Xamot asked.
"Stupid question," The Twins said as one as they looked at each other.
"Why not? Pets are therapeutic after all?" Mindbender shrugged.
"Oh no a pet is a bad idea," The Baroness frowned.
"I agree. We can barely feed ourselves, let alone…" Destro began.
"No, I meant we already tried that," The Baroness told him. "Remember Agatha?"
"Oh yes…" Destro remembered. "That was a disaster!"
"Who was Agatha?" Mindbender asked.
"Oh that's right you hadn't joined Cobra until almost a year later after the incident," Destro remembered. "Agatha was Cobra Commander's pet snake."
"Cobra Commander had a pet snake?" Mindbender asked.
"A pet Boa Constrictor to be precise," Destro remarked. "He thought it would be fitting for a leader of Cobra to have a serpent as a mascot."
"Wasn't wrong about that," Mindbender said.
"The Commander had Agatha by his side almost all the time," Destro explained. "For a time he actually showed something close to affection for that thing. I even saw him pet her once."
"Until Agatha got really hungry one day…" The Baroness sighed. "And tried to eat him in his sleep."
"Oh…" Mindbender nodded.
"It was a rather messy breakup," Destro sighed. "We never could get the bloodstains off the walls. You wouldn't think snake blood would be harder to clean than human blood but it was."
"And shortly after that we learned that Agatha was eating for twenty," The Baroness went on. "And what made it worse she made a nest right in the mutagentics lab and of course a few chemicals leaked out onto the baby snakes…"
"By the way we learned the hard way that Boa Constrictors don't lay eggs," Tomax added.
"They have live births," Xamot shivered.
"Apparently some of the chemicals sped up the growth and reproductive cycles of Agatha's offspring," The Baroness groaned.
"To make a long story short we decided it was easier and healthier for us to abandon the base and find a new lair," Destro explained. "And that's also why you ended up with the job as Cobra's head scientist. We needed a quick replacement for the last one."
"Wait I thought the Commander told me the last head scientist died of an accident with some mutated mold spores?" Mindbender asked.
"He did," Tomax said.
"You were the replacement for the replacement," Xamot said.
"Ever since the Agatha incident Cobra Commander really didn't have much of a tolerance for pets," The Baroness said. "He tried some piranhas once but that didn't end well."
"Oh I remember that," Mindbender thought. "That's how I ended up my assistant Lefty."
"For a time Cobra Commander experimented with Dobermans," Tomax remembered.
"Yes, he thought they would good guard dogs," Xamot nodded.
"Turned out they weren't that good after all," Tomax sighed.
"They actually attacked Cobra Commander every chance they got," Xamot explained.
"I remember that too. Lefty had to get a rabies shot," Mindbender told them.
"Well as guard dogs they were subpar but as attack dogs you cannot deny they were good at that job," Destro argued.
"And then there were the dinosaurs," The Baroness prompted. "Remember them?"
"How could I forget? One of them ate Lefty," Mindbender nodded.
"And of course the Dreadnoks were pretty much on the same level as untrained chimps so…" Destro shrugged. "Suffice it to say I don't believe an animal companion would be the best remedy for the Commander's ennui."
"Everyone!" Cobra Commander walked in carrying a large cardboard box. "I'm calling a meeting now!"
"Oh goody. I was worried we would actually go an entire day without one," Destro said sarcastically.
"I'd like you all to meet to the newest member of Cobra," Cobra Commander put down the box on a table. He opened it. "Everyone I would like you to meet our new mascot. Caesar!"
Destro looked inside the box. "Commander…That's a turtle."
"Tortoise actually," Cobra Commander said.
"Really? How about that?" Mindbender remarked.
"Nice sized tortoise," Tomax said.
"Nice shell," Xamot said.
"It is isn't it?" Cobra Commander nodded.
"All right! Since it is obviously my turn to ask…" Destro groaned. "Commander, why?"
"I know this will come as a shock to all of you but I have been feeling a little down in the dumps lately," Cobra Commander admitted.
"No," Destro deadpanned.
"I know it's a shock. I've been keeping up a strong front but…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Well you can only have so many failures before you feel…Just a little depressed."
"Over thirty years' worth of failures most people would feel like a knife to the wrists," The Baroness remarked.
"I have been thinking and I have come to the realization that outside of my work, I don't really have that much in my life," Cobra Commander said.
"You don't really have that much in your work much less your life," Destro pointed out.
"Oh let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. I can't seem to stay in a committed relationship," Cobra Commander went on.
"And those that do want to be in a relationship with you should be committed if they haven't been already," Destro quipped.
"My son hates me and I'm pretty sure I don't have any other children out there," Cobra Commander went on.
"We hope," The Baroness said.
"And what few friends I did have outside of Cobra are either dead or want me dead. There's really no one I can talk to," Cobra Commander went on.
"Thank you for not including us in your personal life," Destro added.
"I just decided I needed something to have in my life that needs me and I can come home to," Cobra Commander said. "Something that enriches my life. Something that won't tear me to shreds and try to destroy me."
"Well you certainly succeeded on that front," Destro looked at the creature inside the box.
"I learned my lesson after the dinosaurs," Cobra Commander said. "Besides if you think about it, Caesar is perfect! He's a reptile like a snake. But he has armor. He's slow but tenacious. He's quiet…"
"He can't run very fast away from you," Xamot added.
"And if he does manage to go on a rampage you can easily run from him," Tomax finished.
"And he won't try to steal power from me," Cobra Commander said. "So it's a win-win situation!"
"Well not for the tortoise…" Destro grumbled under his breath.
"Commander where did you get that thing?" The Baroness asked. "You didn't take it from the wild did you?"
"Of course I didn't! Don't you think I learned my lesson after what happened with Agatha?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I stole him from a pet shop. A legitimate one this time!"
"Wait is that the one that caught on fire when we were in dock at that last town?" Destro asked.
"I needed a distraction to steal the turtle!" Cobra Commander said. "And it worked didn't it?"
"Worked a little too well," Tomax said.
"That fire burned down an entire street," Xamot said.
"Oh please that area wasn't exactly Rodeo Drive by any stretch of the imagination," Cobra Commander waved. "That whole area needed some urban renovation anyway!"
"If it didn't before it does now," Xamot groaned.
"I've been in my room getting Caesar up to speed about Cobra," Cobra Commander said. "Telling him all about my life story and goals and ambitions."
"That does explain the glazed look in his eyes," Destro remarked.
"I'm feeling better already," Cobra Commander told them. "Wait…If you're all down here…Who's driving the ship?"
"You don't drive a ship. You pilot it," Destro said. "And the ship isn't moving at all. We decided to spend a few days at sea while we figured out what we were going to do next."
"Oh right. Come Caesar," Cobra Commander picked up the box. "We are going on deck. He needs to get a little fresh air."
"It's going to take more than a little fresh air to get rid of that smell," The Baroness remarked after Cobra Commander left the room.
"To be fair I don't believe all of that is the tortoise," Destro winced. He looked at Mindbender. "When was the last time the Commander showered?"
"How should I know? It's not like it's my job to make sure the Commander is healthy," Mindbender shrugged. "Oh wait…"
"So comforting to know we have a qualified medical professional on hand in case anything goes wrong," Destro rolled his eyes.
About an hour later the other Cobras went on deck. They saw Cobra Commander sitting in a lounge chair. "And that Caesar is why I always bring a Taser when I go shopping for new helmets," Cobra Commander went on. Caesar was on the deck eating leaves.
"Are we interrupting your bonding time?" Destro remarked as the other Cobras joined him.
"No, I'm done for now," Cobra Commander waved. "You know they are right about pets being therapeutic. I talk. Caesar listens. It's like having a therapist that doesn't tell you that you're wrong."
"That is a plus," Destro casually remarked as Caesar started to crawl away. "Especially for you."
"Exactly! I've told Caesar some of my deepest darkest secrets and I don't have to worry about him blabbing!" Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "I haven't felt this relaxed since I learned how to pay for prostitutes using a credit card!"
"That was a fun day," Mindbender agreed.
"Okay so he needs to be fed and he poops all over the deck but I figure you lot can always take care of that," Cobra Commander waved. "By the way Caesar made a mess on the aptly named poop deck."
"You want us to take care of your pet?" Destro asked.
"That was not in our job description," The Baroness agreed.
"Oh please the thing only eats one big head of lettuce a day and it poops a lot less than a dog or a Dreadnok," Cobra Commander told them. "In fact pretend he's a very clean Dreadnok."
"That's a bit of an oxymoron about those morons don't you think?" Destro asked.
"Huh that's pretty clever," Cobra Commander chuckled. "Wish I thought of it. Actually for the record, in the future I did!"
"Uh Commander?" The Baroness pointed. "Your turtle is making a break for it."
"How many times to I have to explain that it's a tortoise?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"But Commander…" Destro began.
"A tortoise has a heavy domed shell and a turtle has a lighter flat streamlined shell," Cobra Commander went on.
"Yes but Commander…" Destro began. "The turtle…"
"Tortoise! Not turtle! Not you too Destro!" Cobra Commander groaned.
"But…" Destro tried again.
"Really Destro! You would think a man of your breeding and stature in Cobra would be a bit more observant!" Cobra Commander snapped.
SPLASH!
"What was that?" Cobra Commander looked around.
"That was your tortoise going overboard," Destro said calmly.
"Turtle overboard!" Tomax quipped.
"Man the lifejackets!" Xamot added.
"Very amusing," Cobra Commander waved.
"Commander…Your pet…" Destro pointed.
"Is fine. Caesar is just going for a swim," Cobra Commander waved. "You worry for nothing Destro!"
"Uh, he's not doing a lot of swimming Commander," The Baroness was looking over the railing.
"So he's floating around. He's fine," Cobra Commander waved.
"He's not floating either," The Baroness told him.
"And he's not fine," Mindbender was looking over the railing as well.
"Commander…tortoises are land based creatures," Destro sighed. "Most of them can't swim at all."
"Really? They can't…?" Cobra Commander asked.
"No, I'm afraid not," Destro sighed. "Ironically that is another difference between turtles and tortoises."
"Oh…" Cobra Commander got up and looked over the deck. "That explains the sinking."
"Hang on he's only been in the water a few minutes we might be able to…" Mindbender began. "Oh no…Wait. Caesar just got eaten by a shark. Never mind."
"Well that's just…great," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Destro why didn't you do something?"
"I tried! You wouldn't shut up!" Destro snapped.
"You couldn't just walk over and pick him up and put him back in the box?" Cobra Commander asked.
"To be honest I really didn't care," Destro shrugged.
"Don't look at me. I wasn't going to touch the thing," The Baroness shrugged.
"Well shall we go below decks and have a drink in honor of Caesar's passing?" Xamot suggested.
"I just want to drink," Tomax said. "But that's a good excuse as any."
"Why not?" Cobra Commander threw up his hands and sighed. "Maybe a tortoise wasn't such a good idea anyway?"
"To be fair you've had worse," Mindbender remarked as most of the Cobras went below deck. Cobra Commander glared at him.
"Leave it to Cobra Commander to destroy a town in order to steal a pet in order for him to lose it in an accident," The Baroness shook her head. She and Destro remained.
"Oh I don't think it was an accident," Destro said. "I think the tortoise knew where it was going and jumped."
"You're saying the tortoise committed suicide?" The Baroness was stunned.
"That's what I'd do if I was stuck in a box listening to Cobra Commander talk about himself all day," Destro remarked as he looked over the railing.