Since I have a major case of writer's block that prevents me from writing the story I want to at this moment, and my desire to actually stay relevant in this site, I decided to do something different: Take various myths and legends and spruce them up for lulz.

This was inspired by a thread on a forum I frequent, where the person that started it bastardized the Greek Myths into shit worthy of George Carlin.


Let us begin the madness.


So, there were once five gorgeous women living in the sky above pre-European Americuh. They were having a swell time, living with clouds, taunting the girl eagles and their chrome-domes and getting into various shenanigans involving eachother's beds.

The first girl is Moki, who was apparently a robin that managed to avoid being eaten by the eagles she taunted at some point and is the sister of the New World prank-master, Coyote. Despite being related to a dog, she was still so beautiful that some slime-ball named Salamandar decided to try and force a marriage with her. Seeing as how she actually has standards, Moki was understandably disgusted at the thought of having to have nooky with a snot-lizard. Taking after her sibling, Moki fooled her would-be husband to take a bath in a hot sprin, and since this was the slimy lizard and not the fire-god of Europe, the sucker got boiled like a lobster.

Next is Kipi. Little Kipi managed to worm her way into the clique by cutting off Coyote's tongue like a psycho-girlfriend and cook it.
Let me repeat that.
Kipi decided to cut off Moki's brother's tongue. And cook it. For consumption.
Granted Coyote is a prick, but still, slicing off the tongue of your friend's brother and using it for Iron Chef does not endear you to your peers nowadays.

The third member of our celestial clique is Tewe. Tewe is a MILF with muscles, who gave birth to the Rabbit Huntress, a chick that was said to be as strong as her mother.
Now, normally one doesn't associate the word rabbit with strong, so I'm going to assume that she got the name and reputation for managing to hunt and kill rabbits like the one in Monty Python and the Holy Grail on a regular basis.

Fourth is Pahalali. Lali's distinction is being the daughter of the Frog-Maid. No, her mother isn't a french dish dressed in their frilly outfits. This frog is a badass. Y'see, there's this giant lizard in the sky with a hankerin' for cheese that keeps trying to eat the moon. This wouldn't be a problem, if we didn't need the damn thing to see in the dark. Every month, when the cheese-ball is almost swallowed, our fair frog dashes forth with a whole bunch of pointy shit to get the lizard to puke the moon back up, thus making it easier for bats to fly in our hair.
But this story isn't about her. It's about her daughter and friends.

Finally, we have Tukwishemish. She's the leader of our merry band of maids and has one of the most silliest name this side of the Atlantic. There's not much about Tuk-Tuk, other than that she was the prettiest and makes Ulquiorra look like Pinkie-Pie.

One day, while waiting for Dracula to reform his undead ass, A Fleaman got lost and stumbled upon the five Starmaids. Seeing as how Dracula is a greedy dick but can't see what isn't in his castle, the bug-boy decides to try and nab the five for his own little harem.

This does not go over well with the five girls, however, and they decided to run the fuck away.

Unfortunately, as Naked Alucard can attest to, fleamen are notorious little shits. The bugger had a libido and chased the girls for a long, long time. Even when they managed to leave him behind when he faints, the girls still get found by the horny flea. Even diving into the sea doesn't shake the pervert.
Eventually, Tuk-Tuk decided that enough is enough and turned around. She stated loud-and-clear that if the horndog got any closer, he'd be eating his own dick on a plate. This gets the message through the Fleaman's skull, and he stops chasing them. But it fails to get his soldier to stand down.
Instead, he decided to invest in a pair of binoculars and live the rest of his days as a voyeur, forever haunting the five as a pervert ghost.

They say you can see the five maidens huddled together in the night sky as stars, dancing the horizontal tango while the lone Fleaman stands by, forever tugging his tallywhacker to hot celestial lesbians.

Moral of the story: Porn was hard to come by without the internet.