As soon as my eyes fluttered open I felt the painful sting behind them and the thumping that echoed through my head when I moved to swing my arms over my face. My groan rippled through the room, muffled by my arms and the grogginess of my voice as I rolled over onto my stomach, only to regret it seconds later. My stomach churned and swirled with each movement and as I lay pressed down on the bed I felt like I was out in the middle of the ocean with the swaying of the insane amount of tequila I had consumed last night. Faint flashes of blurred images came back into my head. Memories of me sitting for hours in a bar that I no longer remember the name of, embarrassing myself with my drunken slurs and humiliating dancing. Another grunt escaped my mouth as I attempted to push the memories to a dark and deep place of my mind, hoping they would fade eventually with all of the other memories I was hiding away.
I rolled awkwardly onto my side, moving slowly in an attempt to steady the tossing in my stomach, feeling my eyes become blinded by the bright sunlight that was shining in through my window. I felt like I was under an interrogation light, like something from those terrible detective shows that Karma and I used to watch all the time. I felt my stomach lurch when her name filtered into my head, the familiar clenching of my heart feeling like it was making me breathless. Every time my mind faltered in it's exhausting efforts to keep anything to do with Karma as far away as possible, I felt like a giant knife was being stabbed into every possible area of my body, the pain hurting so much that sometimes my head became fuzzy. Right now I was struggling to distinguish whether it was Karma or the tequila that was blurring my mind, but I didn't have the energy to decipher the two and instead pulled the covers up until I was cascaded under the heat of the blankets. When I was younger I used to hide under my covers if I was scared of something, praying that it wouldn't find me if it couldn't see me. So here I was hiding from the constant crushing pain of rejection, yet it was futile when the rejection was already embedded in a part of my brain that wouldn't be blurred no matter how much tequila I consumed.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Amy. I am going to murder you one day, I am actually going to drag you from this bed and beat the shit out of you as soon as you are sober enough to feel my punches."
I let out a low grumble of complaint into the room when the high pitched squeal of Shane cracked through the room from behind me. The sound of my door banging off the wall felt like someone had smacked me over the head with a hammer, multiple times. I whipped my head round to see Shane stood in the doorway with his arms crossed and mixture of anger and sympathy plastered on his face. I regretted the sharp movement of my head seconds later when I was stretching for the bin that I had thankfully set next to my bed last night, emptying the small contents of my stomach into it when I felt the vomit burn its way up my throat. I was expecting Shane to scream or to run out in a panic at the mere sight of vomit, but recently this sight was something he had become accustomed to, so instead I felt my sticky hair being pulled back from my face and a hand rubbing circles in my back. It reminded me of how Karma used to react whenever I was sick, this time the thought of her only made me heave one more time.
"Are you fucking kidding me, she's not ready? You said she would be ready Shane." I lifted my head weakly from the bin and struggling to look up from the angle in which I was hanging off the bed, but from the corner of my eyes I could see a pissed-off-looking-Lauren stood in the entrance to the bathroom with her hands waving about in the air as she glared at Shane. "Amy, we're meant to be at Karma's house in 20 minutes and you're still half naked in bed with what appears to be vomit in your hair… Why the hell do you always end up coming back half naked?"
I ignored Lauren's questions, partly because I didn't have the energy to argue with her right now, but also partly because I didn't know the answer. The first morning after I had awoken to not remember a single thing, my lack of clothing had worried me for a significant amount of time, yet now I didn't care. I hoped it just meant I had a good time and made memories that would maybe grace me one day.
"Go away, Lauren," I grumbled as I rolled over onto my back and further into the centre of the bed. I could see Shane moving the bin further away so I didn't kick it when I got out, before returning to the edge of the bed. The anger was now gone from his face and the complete look of pity made me want to grab my pillow and suffocate myself. It was the same pitying look I had been getting for weeks now, because as per usual gossip in Austin spreads like wildfire and before I knew it, everyone seemed to know about my crushing denial. I could handle the whispering and the comments that some people made, yet I still hadn't mastered the art of handling the looks. I felt like eyes were glued to me as I walked through school. Maybe it was because I always looked like someone who had just rolled out of bed and half the time I was still drunk, or maybe it was just because I had told my fake girlfriend that I loved her and she had stomped on me with her shoe like I was an ant.
I rubbed at my eyes as I pushed myself up in bed, shaking my head to fade the memories of Karma, yet it never worked. I knew it wasn't fair to blame this all on her, to say that she broke me, yet it made it easier. It made it easier to say that if maybe she had just told me she loved me too everything would be so much simpler. Yet how was I to even know that? It didn't matter what the result would have been, because it never happened and I'm sick of thinking about the 'what could have beens'. I opened my eyes when I heard Shane clearing his throat and looking back over to Lauren at the door who was practically pulling her hair out from stress.
"Lauren, give us a minute okay? You finish getting ready, you still look like shit so you might want to re-think the outfit. We're driving to North Carolina, not a brothel." Shane flashed her a smirked before laughing to himself when she turned and slammed the door behind her, my head pounding once more. When he turned back to me and stretched to pull the covers off me I gripped onto them like a small child refusing to share their toys. I wrapped my legs around them pathetically, feeling my entire body being pulled down the bed with each tug from Shane, surprise washing over me when I resulted to being a curled ball right at the bottom of the bed.
"You should just leave now, I'm not going. I don't know why I agreed to go in the first place, it was fucking stupid."
"Because you know that if you don't go things between you and Karma are just going to keep getting worse. How long has it been now, three weeks? You have barely spoken in three weeks and look at you Amy, you're throwing up over the side of your bed and getting sick in your hair yet again. How many more times does this need to happen?"
"Stop being so dramatic Shane," I snapped slightly, pushing his hands away and watching as he pursed his lips.
"Dramatic? Amy, last week I found you passed out on your bathroom floor, a couple days later you didn't show up to school so when I came to see what was wrong I found you with your head down the toilet. About three days ago I got a phone call from some random girl saying you were so drunk that you could barely walk and that someone should probably come and take you home. I am not being dramatic Amy, I'm being realistic. How many more times can I scrape you off the bathroom floor before I have to call Karma?"
"You promised me you wouldn't call Karma," I spoke quickly, disappointed in the clear sound of pleading in my voice but ignoring it when I realised how much I would plead with Shane if it meant he wouldn't.
"Amy, I promised that to you the day after your mom's wedding when the only thing that would make you stop crying about Karma long enough to get you out of Lauren's bed and into your own was to promise not to ring Karma. I don't know if that promise should still apply now, it's been three weeks and everything still looks pretty much the same from your point of view."
"What happened to your gay scouts' honour shit?" I snapped at him before softening my frown when I saw his sad smile. My mind flashed back to the morning after my mom's wedding, the memory or Lauren finding me in her bed and not knowing what to do except call Shane. I closed my eyes for a second to shake the memory before looking out of the window again to try and gage what time it was. I remember that Shane told me he would be here early to pick me up, and the burning in my eyes confirmed to be that it was most definitely in the early hours of the morning that no one should ever see. All I wanted right now was to sleep.
"She does care, you know." I glanced back over to Shane to see him standing up from my bed and grabbing my suitcase. He chucked it up onto the bed, smirking when I yelped a little as it crushed my legs with the heavy wheels on the bottom.
"Shane-"
"I know you don't think she cares, but you're wrong. Liam has been asking me non-stop for weeks how you are, do you know what that means? That means Karma wants to know how you are, she's just getting Liam to do her reporting for her seen as you're pushing her away with every single ounce of strength you have."
"Stop it, Shane," I barked as I watched him opening drawers and pulling out random pieces of clothing before throwing them into the suitcase. I attempted to empty the suitcase each time he filled it but gave up when I eventually realised I lacked the power to keep up with him. I lay and watched as he raided by wardrobe, grabbing anything that he deemed suitable. He would occasionally holler for Lauren to give her opinion on the outfit but gave up on that when he realised that Lauren hated every piece of clothing I owned. I watched as he struggled with suitcase to zip it up once he had shoved an insane amount of clothing into it, dropping his ass onto it and dragging the zip whilst arguing with Lauren in the process about being late.
At some point my eyes must have closed and my body drifted off the sleep and it wasn't until my eyes were snapping open, the burning worse than they were before, with the cover being dragged away from my entire body that I noticed the sound of the shower in the background.
"Right, that's it. Get the fuck up." My hands were absentmindedly searching for the covers that Shane had already thrown to floor, my mind registering for the first time that I was only wearing underwear. I struggled against Shane as he dragged me towards the shower, and if I hadn't of been so focused on digging my heels into the floor and searching for anything to hold on to, I would have commented on my surprise in how strong he actually was.
"Get the fuck off, I'm not going. Shane, what the hell-"
"Amy fucking Raudenfeld, you are going to North Carolina and that's fucking it. You agreed to go on this trip and I am not going without you, so you are going to peel yourself out of the very little clothing you have on right now and you are going to get in the shower in a weak attempt to wash away some of the tequila that is literally dripping from your pores. I am going to finish attempting to zip up your suitcase, hopefully Lauren sitting on the bastard should do the job, and once you're out we're going to Karma's house and you're going to hold your head high and look her in the God damn eye because you are still Amy. You may be a weak and pathetic version of the Amy that I know right now, but for fuck sake Amy, get your shit together and go and show that girl that the she made a mistake when she didn't say I love you too."
"Technically she did tell me she loved me, just not in the same way." I mumbled as I felt my feet padding onto the cool surface of the bathroom floor, one that I slept on far too many times in the past three weeks. I turned round to see Shane shooting me a fierce glare before he shoved a towel into my arms and nodded towards the shower.
"Do not make me physically put you in that shower, Amy. My perfect gay eyes have already been burnt enough over the past weeks with you, I draw the line at holding your hair back while you're being sick."
….
"Why do you need so many clothes if you're going to Science Camp? I thought kids who were into things like that just wore the same things for 5 days before turning it inside out and then wearing it for another 5. Its science camp, it's not like you're going to find some super-hot boy, sweetheart," Bruce spoke to Lauren as he dragged both of her substantial suitcase towards Shane's car that was parked at a questionable angle in front of my house.
"Science Camp?" I spoke, my brows furrowing before I felt my arm being linked viciously and Lauren appearing at my side as she dragged me over to the only plant pot that my mother graced our front garden with. I glanced at the completely dead flowers that were scattered in the pot, somewhat resembling my life at the minute, before looking back to Lauren when she smacked her hand across my arm. "What?" I snapped, trying to shove her back but failing when my shaking hands end up missing her as she moved.
"I know your pathetic heart is broken and all that other shit, but please try and be less stupid. We had to tell my dad and your mom that we were going to Science Camp because there is no way they would have ever let us go to Liam's beach house for the whole summer."
"So we're lying to them about the whole thing? Why didn't anyone tell me we were lying to them?" I asked as I looked over Lauren's shoulder to see Shane now struggling with shutting the boot of his car thanks to the two suitcases from Lauren that were the size of a small human being. I watched as he began to squeal at Bruce in his high pitched voice that always graced us whenever he became somewhat stressed.
"Because you've been filled up on so much vodka for the past three weeks that you probably would have thought we were actually at Science Camp." Lauren spoke, a small pout forming on my lips as I fixed my sunglasses and shrugged my shoulders a little, mumbling that she was being dramatic yet again. "Seriously Amy, I am saying this from the kindest place in my heart, you need to get your shit together and forget about Karma. Next time her name pops into your head, think about your liver instead of alcohol and you might take a healthier approach when it comes to wallowing in your self-pity."
I opened my mouth to respond but by the time my weary brain had managed to even form a word, Lauren was walking away from me and screaming across the front garden at Shane who had now gone from having a small panic attack to hauling Lauren's suitcases out of the boot and making her choose between them. After twenty minutes of laying on the grass and listening to Lauren cry about how Shane was making her re-enact Sophie's Choice, we were finally going through the tedious remedy of the kisses and cuddles from my mom. As I hugged her I clenched my jaw to hold down the sick as she whispered to me that she had slipped some condoms into my suitcase just in case I found someone 'stimulating' at Science Camp and want to have a change from my whole gay thing. I nodded my head slowly as I pulled away, the word thank you seeming like the appropriate thing to say but also at the same time like a complete wrong thing to say. I climbed into the car and flopped into the front seat as I watched Shane embrace my mother in a way that even brought a blush to her experienced cheeks, as well as Lauren cuddling Bruce as though she was five years old and leaving for school. It all made me very nauseous as I pushed my glasses up my nose, pulled my hood over my head, despite it being scorching hot outside, and slouched down in my seat.
"You look a gangster who is about to steal my car," Shane spoke as he climbed in next to me and stretched over to pull my hood down, ripping half of my hair out in the process. I gritted my teeth to stop from climbing into the back and strangling Lauren when she climbed into the car and deliberately slammed the door, letting out a small 'oops' when I practically growled at her. As the car began to move I felt the sickening twist of my stomach as we began to drive the small distance I had been so used to walking, so much that it felt weird that I hadn't been in this direction in three weeks. For years, this had been my walk for roughly four nights a week, Karma walking to my house the other three. This was the first time ever I had wished that the drive would be longer, that Shane would tell me there had been an accident and that there was no possible way of getting to Karma's house, or even that we had a flat tyre and we wouldn't be moving for a while until someone who knew the slightest about cars could come and save us. But none of that was happening, and I glanced out of the window to see the deserted house which had mine and Karma's childhood hideout in before turning the corner to see Karma's house.
…
I don't know what I was expecting to feel when I saw her. Maybe I was expecting to feel the stabbing pain I had felt for the past three weeks, or to cry, or to want to run straight over to her and hug her. Or kiss her. But instead I felt this strange mixture of them all as Shane pulled the car up front of her house, behind Liam's car that was currently being filled up with suitcases. I was thankful that his back was to us as we pulled up and the as soon as Shane got out of the car he was distracted away from me. Away from the girl who told his girlfriend that she was in love with her. When I pulled my eyes away from Liam and Shane, they fell straight upon another pair of eyes that were locked onto mine from the far end of the car in front. She was stood speaking to another girl I had never seen before, her attention totally on me and not the girl who was rambling. It was in that moment that I felt the overpowering stabbing pain mix with my shortness of breath from the tears that stinging my eyes and the lump forming in my throat, as well as the overriding sense that I should hide in the car and never get out. It wasn't until my door was being opened and Lauren was stood looking down at me that my eyes snapped away from Karma.
"Hiding in the car is not showing Karma that you are a badass bitch not to be messed with. Move your ass right now," Lauren snapped at me, grabbing my arm like she had in the garden and dragging me from the car faster than my legs were prepared to work. I stumbled into her and listened as she moaned about me still stinking of alcohol despite my shower, shoving me off once I was out of the car.
"Amy!" My head moved to the side to see past the enormous head that was Lauren, only to feel all the blood drain from my face when I saw Karma's parents stood at her front door waving for me to come over to them. A shaky smile came to my face as I gestured that I would be over in a minute, looking back at Lauren with what I can only assume was fear in my eyes.
"Help me. Save me. Do something for me. I can't speak to them, I'll crack. They'll say one thing and I'll be all 'oh by the way I'm in love with your daughter and I told her a couple of weeks back but she told me she didn't love me because she is in love with Liam Booker, who's beach house we just happen to be spending the entire summer at despite the fact I have managed to avoid both up until this moment."
"So just don't say that," Lauren said plainly before flicking her hair off her shoulder like some bitchy popular girl from a movie and walking away. I followed her with a glare only to feel it slip away when my eyes landed on Karma yet again, hers watching me as well as I swallowed thickly and walked over to her parents. I barely had time to say anything before I was being dragged into a hug that was so tight I was worried for my ribs, patting them on the back the way I would touch a cat before moving back and poking at my ribs to ensure that were all still intact.
"Amy, where have you been? We haven't seen you around here in weeks. Is that because of your break up with Karma?" Molly Ashcroft spoke as she geld my shoulders, looking me over once and letting a small grimace appear on her face. I concluded it was either because of my trashy appearance, or she could smell the tequila. Or maybe the confused look that was washing over my features.
"My what?" I asked after a second, glancing over my shoulder when I heard the sound of car doors being slammer. I felt my stomach plummet once more when Karma was walking away from the girl who she had been previously speaking to and was making her way towards me. Holy. Fucking. Shit. She was coming here. I contemplated running before I had even gotten to answer from her mom, but she was still holding onto my shoulder and placing the back of her hand against my forehead to see whether I had a temperature.
"Your break up. I'm going to be honest, I was a little sad when I heard about you two breaking up," Her mom spoke, looking over my shoulder at what must have been Karma right behind me. I stood completely rigid, someone could have mistook me for a soldier with how straight I was in that second. "I was just speaking to Amy about how upset we were when you two couldn't work things out. Karma is dating this Liam boy now Amy, did you know that?"
"Yeah, I uhm- I heard something about that." I croaked out, wishing for the ground to give way and to swallow me up so bad that it would never spit be back out. I could actually smell her perfume. It baffled me how I could pour a bottle of perfume on myself and never be able to smell it, yet here Karma was behind me and I could get faint hints of it over and over. I felt the tension grow thicker and thicker as her mom stood there and smiled at me. All I could do was smile back at her like some crazy person who needed help. I didn't want to move in case I bumped into Karma, or worse, she tried to speak to me.
"Are you feeling okay, sweetheart? You don't look the best," Karma's mother spoke as she put her hand on my forehead once more. I opened my mouth to speak but was cut off when Karma moved into sight, something in her eyes that looked like concern. I ignored it, I didn't need to see that. "You look like someone who's been out drinking all night," Molly laughed to herself, a small breath of air leaving my mouth and what looked like an awkward smile appearing on Karma's face. I wondered how much she knew about me. Whether Shane had gone in details when answering these supposed questions that had been asked about me over the weeks, or maybe Shane was really lying and she hadn't asked any questions.
"I'm sure I'll be fine, I might just go and take something. I think I packed some Advil in my bag. I'll be right back." I swung round on my heel with the one main objective of getting away from this situation faster than the sick that rising in my throat. All of that slipped from my mind when I heard my name coming from Karma's mouth. I wanted to freeze, my body was screaming at me to turn around and look at her or do something, but instead I kept on walking. I wanted to look back to see whether she looked hurt, or whether she was angry, or whether she really said my name. Maybe I was just going crazy. There was a very high chance after three weeks spent overanalysing everything and drinking rivers of tequila, that I couldn't in fact have gone crazy. Very high chance.
"Amy," I spun around when the sound of Liam behind me distracted me from my pathetic searching for Advil that I knew Shane hadn't shoved in my bag when he was looting my bedroom. I forced a smile onto my face, praying that he wasn't here to strangle me for confessing my love for Karma. Would he really shout at me about it in front of everyone? Instead I watched as he waved the girl that Karma had been speaking to earlier over. I watched as she walked over from the front of Karma's house, Shane bouncing along beside her and making sign language to me that made my brain hurt when I tried to work it out. "Amy, this is Reagan, a family friend. I invited her to come for the summer and just thought I would introduce you two."
"Hi, I'm Amy I-"
"Holy shit, Shrimp Girl." The girl, Reagan, across from me spoke as she stretched her hand out to shake mine that was now falling limp at the mention of the name. I stretched my head forward a little to see whether she was going to repeat the name, before the memory flashed into my head like a train smacking right into me. Holy fucking shit. My mouth bobbed up and down as she flashed me a smirk, a smirk that caused another barricade of memories to flutter back into my head. Holy fucking shit. I glanced to Shane who was now smiling at me intrigued with his face lit up at the excitement of possible gossip and drama. I struggled to swallow as I looked back to Reagan, trying to ignore the blur of red hair that was appearing behind her shoulder.
"Do you two know each other?" Liam and Shane asked at the same time. I opened my mouth to answer but was cut off by the smooth laugh that escaped from the girl in front of me.
"I met her the other night at a bar, you know that new one called Shrimp Bar? We were both pretty drunk, the memories are a little hazy but I remember you." She said to me, a grin on her face before she turned to look at Liam, who was looking at Karma, because Karma was looking at me. It dawned on me in that second that I was suddenly dizzy, dizzy to the extent were I moved backwards until my legs hit the car and I was practically sat in the boot. I ignored the sound of laughing, which I was certain was Shane because no one else in this situation wanted to laugh. Apart from Reagan who was still smirking at me.
"Do you remember that night, Amy?" Shane asked, his voice covered in humour and smugness as he laughed after his comment. I cleared my throat and nodded, stuttering out that I remembered it and mumbling something about the night being really fun whilst trying to dig up more memories whilst I spoke. I racked my brain for a better memory, something better than me pressed up against a toilet cubicle in a dingy bar with Reagan's tongue in my mouth and my hands moving anywhere they could. That's all that was flashing through my head and when I looked back up to the group it was as though they had seen straight into my head, with a smirk on both Shane and Reagan's face, Liam stood awkwardly staring at his shoes and Karma spinning to walk away.
"Of course I remember," I said quickly to clear the tension, pushing myself up and turning to throw clothes back into my suitcase that had fallen out when I had been digging for medications that was needed now more than ever, feeling the heat rising on my face when a pack on condoms fell into my hand. "There are some parts that are a little hazy but I remember most. I remember a lot of tequila. And dancing, there was dancing right?"
"I'm pretty sure when I first walked in, you were dancing on a table."
"We should probably leave, we have to get all the way to Shreveport today and you guys were already late." Karma spoke as she reappeared to the small group that had gathered around me to see me slowly fall further into my pool of embarrassment that had filled up over the past three weeks.
…
"It's my car, I get to pick the fucking music. If you you're so interested in the music you should have offered to drive."
The position in which I was sprawled out across the backseats of Shane's car was somewhat shameful, but I didn't care as I rolled my head to the side to vaguely see Shane's hand smacking at Lauren's as she fiddled with the radio. I had listened to them bicker and moan at each other like a married couple for what felt like several painful hours. That coupled with the horrific driving that Shane displayed had led to my stomach swirling uncontrollably. It felt like a small tornado was taking place within me as the car continued to swing in directions that I was almost positive were not safe. I contemplated forcing him to pull over and make Lauren drive, because at this current time my sensitive stomach would much prefer her snail pace driving compared to the roller coaster I was currently rolling about in.
I hadn't moved from my lying position since leaving Karma's house, pushing my headphone into my ears as far as they would go, despite me not actually playing any music due to my headache, but choosing to put them anyway to stop the badgering questions from Shane who was eager to gain further knowledge of my 'rendezvous' with Reagan. I felt rather mixed views on the presence of Reagan on this trip. On one hand I had managed to delve further into my pathetic memory and could now recall some parts of conversation that we had. I remembered how we shouted over the music about her passion for music and how she wanted to move to New York, whilst I whined about my life that was sinking down a drain. Despite me knowing very little about Reagan apart from her interest in music and that she was a top notch kisser, I didn't mind having her on the trip. She gave me a strange sense of security already. Maybe it was because I wanted to get to know her a little better, or maybe it was because she was the only one here who wasn't painfully aware of my love confession to Karma.
Reagan didn't know about the past three weeks of drinking, she only knew about one night, and on that one night she had actually helped. She had wiped Karma from my head for an entire night and the kissing in the toilet was somewhat productive, but I doubted that Reagan could wipe Karma from an entire summer. All of this made me think that Reagan was a valuable addition to our exploring team, however on the other my mind was screaming at me that God was definitely screwing with me. These past three weeks were something I wanted to forget, yet Liam Booker just happened to be friends with a permanent reminder that was now in another car on her way to this fancy beach house that nobody had actually seen yet.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to wallow in my self-pity for a little longer in the backseat of Shane's dusty car, but that was quickly brought to an end when I felt the car moving onto a surface that made the rollercoaster feeling from before feel like a small wave compared to this tsunami. I bounced up and down in the back seat like I was on a small trampoline as I listened to the tyres move across something that sounded like gravel. I tried to lift my head up to see where we were, catching a glimpse of the sign for a gas station as well as breakfast diner. I groaned when I felt the car coming to a stop. I wanted to protest and tell them I refused to leave the car because this wasn't the deal. The deal was to get all the way to Shreveport today, a solid five and a half hours of driving. But before I had a chance to protest the buzzing of the car stopped as Shane turned off the engine and his head came into sight as he turned around in the car.
"Shrimp girl, get your ass out of my car. We need to get directions, and we might as well get breakfast while we're here." I groaned as I pushed myself up, flinching at the banging of the car door that made the pain behind my eyes sear. I glanced out of the window to see something from a movie, half expecting a tumbleweed to blow into vision at any point. We were definitely still in Texas, and it made me want to scratch my eyes out with how slowly time was dragging by. I huffed pathetically as I fell back down on the seat, deciding to get an hours sleep rather than food that would only swirl in my unsettled stomach for half an hour before wanting out. I barely had my eyes closed for a second when there was tapping at the window next to my head, my eyes peaking open to see Reagan opening the door and letting the hot, sticky air of Texas into the car.
"What are you doing?" She asked, a small laugh in her voice when I groaned and rolled over onto my stomach, only to regret it seconds later when the swirling turned into vicious lurching that made my heart thump in my chest. I was officially never drinking again. What the hell did I drink last night? I pushed the thought to the side as I pulled myself off the scratchy seats of the car, practically falling out of the door and feeling Reagan's hands steady me.
"Where the hell are we?" I asked after a second, waiting for the air to tame my stomach and stop the sweating that was now burning over my skin, only for it to worsen when I felt the heat. I leant against the car and looked around the deserted place we were, glancing at the empty road we had just driven down.
"Somewhere called Speegleville. We've only been driving for about an hour and a half, but Liam said he needed to pull over to get the satnav to work and wanted food as well."
"Great. This is just great." I moaned as I leant forward, placing my hands on my knees as I tried to supress the bubbling of my stomach which was only becoming more uncontrollable. I pushed myself off the car and turned in the direction of the diner, only to have a smell of food hit me like a wall. As soon as I breathed in the smell I knew I was screwed, feeling the sick that had been clawing at me climb my throat in seconds. I emptied the contents of my stomach, which was very little for the surprising amount of vomit I was currently bringing up. I wanted to run away in that second, to take off straight across what appeared to be a desert and never come back. It only made it worse when I felt my hair being pulled back from my face and circlers being rubbed on my back. I felt myself heave a little when my body clearly wanted to continue being sick but my stomach was refusing to offer it anything else, thankful when the retching stopped after a second and I managed to raise myself from the hunched position. It was only then that I felt like more sick was going to come up when I took in the sight of Karma stood right next to me, holding my hair back.
She was so close I could smell her perfume again, every single time she moved it would waft towards me and drown out the smell coming from the diner. I felt completely frozen as I looked at her, taking in her sad smile as she pushed my hair back from my face and placed her hand on my forehead, the exact same way her mom had earlier. My head was screaming at me to walk away, to pretend none of this was happening and just head for the diner. I hadn't been this close to her in weeks and it was making me feel dizzy. I wanted to scream into the open air at how pathetic I was. I had ignored her for weeks, avoided her every single time I saw her and drank until I couldn't remember her, yet here I was feeling my heart clench so hard that I knew it would take more than tequila to push Karma from my head. Running from her wasn't working, yet that was all I knew.
When she stretched her hand forward to tuck my hair behind me ear my body finally kicked into gear, moving before my brain even told it to and stepping back before she could touch me. The sad smile that was on her face was now completely replaced with just sadness, straight up plain sadness that made me wanted to reach into my chest and rip my heart out. Things would be so much easier if she loved me. I opened my mouth to say something, anything to break the silence that was being overlooked by Reagan who was still stood by the car, but my head wasn't coming up with anything.
"Amy," Karma spoke after a second, her voice coming out hoarse as though she was about to cry. It felt like a small knife was being stuck in between my ribs. "Amy, please don't be like this- please don't keep pushing me away."
"I'm not." I said weakly. My head snorted at me how pitiful that lie was.
"I haven't seen you for weeks, you've been gone. You've just disappeared Amy, you're pushing me away." Karma spoke, she stepped forward a little but not as close as she was last time. I glanced over her shoulder to see Reagan who was now looking at her shoes, clearly trying to pretend she wasn't listening to everything we said.
"Talking works both ways. You haven't spoken to me either," I shrugged, watching as Karma's mouth fell open a little. I think the comment hurt a little, but I pushed the stabbing pain to the side when my head scream at me that she deserved a little hurt. Did she deserve to be hurt a little? I had told her I loved her, and she hadn't spoken to me in weeks. I swallowed thickly, my throat feeling rough and scratchy and the taste of sick making a shiver go down my spine.
"I thought you would need some time. I thought you would want to think some things through and have some time away from me." Karma spoke, her shoulders now shrugging as she chewed on her bottom lip, driving me slowly insane and forcing me to look anywhere else but her face. I noticed the rest of the group now walking out of the diner with coffees and heading for the cars. My attention was snapped back when I felt Karma's hand wrap around my arm, pulling at it a little to get my attention.
"Time isn't what I need, Karma." I said weakly, watching as the tiny smile that had been forced onto her face fade and be replace by tears filling her eyes. They were tears I didn't want to see. They weren't tears because she missed me, or because she wanted to be with me. These were tears of change. Karma hates change, and me telling her that I was in love with her had caused so much chance that she couldn't handle it now. I dragged my eyes away from her, knowing that if I saw any of those tears fall I wouldn't be able to stop myself from wiping them and hugging her into me. Karma was a weird addiction that I now needed to live without. I was thankful when Lauren appeared at my side, scowling at Karma who had turned to wipe her tears before Lauren saw them.
"Amy, we need to get going. Fucking idiot Shane drove in the wrong direction and now we need to drive for another six hours just to get to Shreveport. Let's go." Lauren began to walk over to the sound of car doors being slammed, I began to follow her until I heard my name being croaked out.
"I know that nothing I say is really going to help any of this, but I do need you in my life Amy. I don't care whether I'm being selfish by saying I need you to be my friend when you're going through this, but I do. I need you to be my friend, Ames. So please stop pushing me away, please."
It sounded like she was pleading and I was scared to turn around because I could hear the tears in her voice, I could hear the shaking and cracking that came out as she spoke. Clenching of my jaw or fist did nothing to stop the tears the now pooled in my ears, burning the tiredness and tequila away and instead replacing them with pain. Because that's what this was, pain. Everything hurt. And I didn't know whether I hurt because I had Karma, or whether I hurt because I didn't have Karma. But for now I couldn't remember a time when I didn't have Karma, and I was scared to think that there will be a time when I don't have her. I was in love with her, and that hurt like a real fucking bitch, but love can be squashed down until it's a tiny little box that I can hide in the back of my brain.
"Okay." I said softly as I looked over my shoulder a little, watching as Karma let out a soft sigh before I turned and headed straight for the car. Ignoring Shane and Lauren as soon as I climbed in, resuming my position from before and turning my music on as loud as it would go, headache be damned.
