Harry Potter and The Lord of the Flies

Harry Potter and The Lord of the Flies

And everybody said you can't write a good Harry Potter/Lord

of the Flies crossover. After you read this you'll realize, they

were right.

This is dedicated to my American Lit. teacher who, when we asked, "Why do we have to read a British book in American Lit?", replied, "Because I had to in high school, now shut up and start reading."

The scene: A deserted jungle island, overrun by pansy British schoolboys…

Ralph: How can it be "a deserted jungle island" if it is "overrun by pansy British schoolboys"?

Jack: Just 'cause I'm in choir, everyone calls me a pansy. Wah! Wah!

Me: Shut up, you two, or I'll make you look like Piggy! Anyway, poof! Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Draco arrive.

Harry: Not again! Why do all these stupid fanfic writers strand my on an island with those three? Why don't you hook me up with Cho or Britney Spears.

Me: I did hook you up with Cho. Go read "Incomplete." Besides, the island isn't deserted. Look.

Jack and his pansy choir boy-hunters are coming, carrying a dead pig.

Hunters: Kill the pig, slit her throat, bash her in…

Hermione: What made you think I wanted to be trapped here with you anyway? I'd much rather have Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford.

Me: I so agree, but Jude Law has just got the cutest little butt…

Ron: Eww! Harrison Ford? He's old enough to be your grandfather.

Hermione: He's still more of a man than the two of you skinny boys put together.

Poof! Lord Voldemort enters.

Voldy: Bwah ha ha! I am here to kill you Harry!

Me: Hey! You leave!

Voldy: Oh, my God! Are you Jack? Jack from Lord of the Flies? Can I have your autograph?

Jack: Uh, I guess.

Voldy: Thank you so much, you made my day. I'll be going now.

Voldy leaves, giggling like a school girl.

Hunters: Kill the pig, slit her throat, bash her in…

Me: Poof! A beautiful blond girl arrives.

Mary Sue: Hi! I'm Mary Sue. I'm an American transfer student here to try and get Harry and to make Hermione act like a jealous bimbo.

Hermione: (scoffing) You can have him! Now as I was saying…

Hunters: Kill the pig, slash her throat, bash her in…

Hermione: Will you please shut the hell up?

Hunters: Kill the pig, slash her throat, bash her in…

Hermione: Avada Kedavra! Ok, that's better. Anyways, you think you are such a tough little ladies man…

Mary Sue: Oh, Harry! I'm so greatful for what you did for us. You know, killing You-Know-Who. I would do anything for you…Anything. *wink wink*

Harry: (ignoring her) How can you not want this, Hermione? Really, just look at me!

Ron: If your not going to use her, can I borrow her for a while?

Harry: Sure, fine, whatever.

Ron and Mary Sue head for the bushes next to the beach. Draco sidles up to Jack.

Draco: How you doin"?

Jack: Ahhhh! I'm not gay. Just because I'm in a choir, everyone assumes I'm gay. I knew I shouldn't have bought my shirt at Banana Republic. I have a big knife! My face is painted! I killed the pig! I'm not gay!

Draco: Well, someone came out of the wrong side of the closet today!

Me: I looked over at Harry and Hermione. She was sitting on his back, forcing his face into the sand.

Hermione: Say it!

Harry: No!

Hermione: Say it!

Harry: Fine. Your kung fu's the best.

Me: I could see this was getting nowhere fast. Ok, everybody, time to leave.

Ron: I was just getting somewhere!

Me: If you leave quietly, I'll let her be in the sequel. Tune in next time for Harry Potter and The Crucible, well that may not be a good idea. How about Harry Potter Kills a Mockingbird?