A/N: This is just a little one-shot that I wrote, while taking a break from all of my other work. COUGH A Demon's Debt COUGH. Enjoy :)
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Guidelines on Getting a Woman to BearYour Child
Okay, so you want to have a child but you can't get the girl want to get busy? Let me tell you, it's not because you're ugly or your breath smells (those are your personal problems, I completely understand!), it's because you don't have the right moves! So let me help you.
If you're wondering who I am, I am Miroku. The handsome, loveable and seductive monk who roams the lands with a curse and a few of my trusty, demon fighting companions!
I have a reputation with the ladies but, sadly, I can and will love only one girl. (An extremely lucky girl I might say, since she ended up with me!)
Let me teach you all the moves and steps on getting a woman to bear your child, and you'll become a pro like me in no time!
Follow these guidelines and by the end of the day you'll have a nice young lady in your bed! (Or, perhaps, a slap on the cheek?)
Step #1: Have a reason as to why you want to bear a child.
Well, there is no reason really, except the fact that you would like to father a little heir that you will love and cherish. Unless, of course, you will one day be consumed by the death-ticking bomb that will be forever with you until you kill the man who cursed you in first place and if you don't succeed then you want to conceive a life that could possibly finish it for you, then that is understandable.
TIP: If your reason is tragic, the woman will pity you and they will be more likely to give up to your sexy demeanor!
Step #2: Find a young girl that would make a good mother to your children.
Who wouldn't want a person that could make your heart sing every time you see them? That could comfort you, love you and help you conceive a beautiful life that will be a part of you both?
Step #3: Make sure she is your type of woman.
Gorgeous, loveable, intelligent, lovely, nice round booty, etc. You know, the works.
TIP: Make sure that she doesn't have a big, giant, scary, solid weapon that could easily cut you in half. Or a giant, transforming cat that could burn you and your butt off or knock you out with a flap of her tail.
Step #4: Woo her by using pickup lines!
These babies work every time! Don't worry if they're corny; sometimes, the cornier the better, because then they'll laugh and think you're funny! (Bonus points!)
EXAMPLE: Are you free tonight, or how much will it cost me? Was it love at first sight or should I walk by you again?
Step #5: When you're near her, try to get her in the 'mood'.
How else will you be able to do it? Of course you need to cause some heated moments for you two to be able to conceive a child.
This should work for sure! Trust me on this one.
If you stop while you're about to go all the way, she'll be begging for more! She won't be able to resist your charm and your seductive ways. You dog, you!
TIP: 'Accidentally' drape your hand across her bottom.
WARNING: If you travel with other companions like a man with dog-ears for example, he will call you a pervert! Don't take it personally. He's just jealous because he doesn't know how to make the moves on his own girl! (Like a girl from a different time.)
Step #6: Flirt with other woman to make her jealous, it will work!
This will prove how much she cares/feels for you when she ignores you and tells you to 'shove it', when you try to explain that you were merely talking to the other woman.
This is the test to see how much she wants you all to herself!
WARNING: Her big, giant, solid, extremely scary weapon that could easily cut you into little tiny pieces could be put to use now.
TIP: If you are going to check out/flirt/grope/seduce other woman, and you DON'T want her to know about it, make sure that she DOESN'T find out; otherwise you may regret going to check out/flirt/grope/seduce other woman in the first place. Her resources could be your 'trusty' companions.
Step #7: If you get injured, seem delusional so she'll come to your aid.
Take the opportunity of a deadly poisoning to your advantage. She will be worried about you and stay by your side until you wake up and feel better.
Then when you finally do give up on the whole delusional and 'near-death' act, she'll embrace you and tell you how much she worried. (Aw, isn't that sweet?)
TIP: Use this as an excuse so that she'll forget all about step #5.
Step #8: Make her feel needed.
If you fight bad dudes with freaky-looking skin, bad breath, or they just look plain weird…HIDE BEHIND YOUR WOMAN! She'll protect you with her deadly weapon!
She'll like the idea of being needed and that means that she'll never leave you! (Bonus Points!)
WARNING: Don't seem too helpless and don't act like you can't defend yourself, otherwise the relationship could be based on pity or she could just leave you because she got tired of saving your butt.
Step #9: Confess to her about how you feel, when you think the time is right and absolutely necessary.
If your woman is being possessed by a demon egg inside of her body and she's trying to kill you, you should consider this as a sign: You might die, so make the last moments of your life unbe-frickin'-liveable.
TIP: After you tell her how you feel, you should try to get her back to normal.
Step #10: Make your move.
When you actually do tell her how you feel, don't just say it and be done with it, (you're a baboon if you do that!) ask her to the big question.
I mean, it's the only thing that you could do since you read this handy-dandy guide. You've already made it this far so DON'T screw this up! (She could be delusional or doesn't know what the heck she's doing, but take the opportunity!)
TIP: Make sure that she feels the same way about you, otherwise you just made a complete fool of yourself.
TIP: Once she accepts your proposal, suggest that you make lots and lots of juniors! Like 10-15 or, if you want to be safe, make it 20 babies.
Well, now you're officially a man with a lovely wife and a future full of children. Good luck and thank you for following my guidelines on how to get a woman to bear your child.
You know our motto: Get busy and stay busy for a long time!
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If you actually got this far, thanks for reading! Reviews would be nice, also. Bye :)
