"There are times when I'm just a shell,
when I do not feel anything for anyone.
All I feel is hollow and bruised,
used up and misused,
forced to be someone I don't want to be.
Have I failed somehow or someway?
Will the weight of today
suddenly pull me down to drown,
in the depths of despair,
where I am alone except for my rage?
My rage, my pain, I hate my darkest days.
My darkest days...
Everything I touch, I break."
Bright lights flashed around her. She was vaguely aware that something was wrong. She gazed up into the eyes of her husband, and he met her stare, smiling. That smile never reached his eyes.
"The baby?" She asked, weak from the pain and medications.
Her husband shook his head. "The baby's fine. It's you, honey. Something's... not... right." How could he put this, so as not to alarm her? "You've been losing alot... no that's not... when you pushed the last time...damnit. You're bleeding. Inside."
She nodded and held her hand out to her husband. "I feel it. I know it's going to happen. I'm not afraid."
He took her hand then, grasped it tight, squeezed all his energy into it, hoping to pass some onto her. Nothing worked. She was paling by the minute.
Around him, doctors worked feverishly.
He was tapped on the shoulder. "Sir, we have to take your wife to surgery, now. They've readied the room for the transfusion." He felt even more failure. He wasn't able to help her more than offer her emotional support.
"Can I- I mean, is there any way-?"
The doctor nodded his head and gestured toward the door, nurses and interns already taking her out on the gurney. "We have scrubs and a mask all ready for you."
Four hours later, he bowed his head against the glass outside the nursery.
Nothing. There was nothing. She had given all she had to bring this little life into the world, and she had nothing left to give. She had died on the operating table after hemmorhaging from the blood transfusion.
He remembered the peaceful look on her face. The way she held his hand right until the end. Had he only known this would happen, he would've-
What would he have done? What COULD he have done?
He called his assistant. Prepared for the services. She would have two. A Christian service, and a Shinto service. He would honor her heritage, while also celebrating the fleeting time she had spent in his life.
Preparations were complete in no time. The press would hear about her death, there would be a feeding frenzy. He had to take the baby somewhere safe, away from the attention and bright lights.
Confusion marred his handsome face. How was he supposed to take care of the baby? He knew nothing of this! This was HER thing. He was the business end of the relationship, she was the heart and soul.
She was maternal, giving and kind. He was a patriarch, all work and no fun.
He called his assistant again and demanded he hire a nanny. Someone to watch over the baby, like a mother and a friend. Someone with references, education. Someone who could have fun, but abide the rules.
As he hung up a second time, he eyed the child behind the glass, and her words came back to him.
"We'll name her Rei," she said, smiling brightly. "Hino Rei."
He grimaced. 'Spirit of Fire?' "Why would you want to name her Rei? That's just setting her up to be bad-tempered." He'd never truly liked her flights of fancy, but rather loved the whimsical look she'd get on her face. He could never understand why things like cloud-shapes and fairy tales entranced her.
They weren't tangible.
"Oh stop," she laughed. "Rei is a great name. She'll be spirited and smart. Maybe she'll have a mind for business," she entreated.
He grumbled away, but he knew she had gotten her way again.
"Rei..." he murmered as his hand pressed against the glass. A part of him, albeit small, hated this infant. She had taken the only thing he loved from him, and replaced it with cold resentment and emptiness.
"Have you decided on a name for her yet?" A nurse came out of the nursery, and smiled gently, knowing he had gone through hell tonight.
"Rei," he said simply, devoid of emotion. He gazed again at the child, and her mouth opened in a yawn.
"A fine name, Hino-sama." He grunted in reply and walked to the cafeteria. He needed coffee, very strong coffee.
Doubt clouded his mind. Could he do this? This child had taken his love from him, shut her out like it was more important. He thought back to the joy he felt when Rei was delivered. A proud father holding his baby girl. She released a spirited wail, and he knew then, she deserved the name.
It was then that he noticed his wife.
He sighed, resigned to his fate.
Over the years, he became a workaholic, burying himself in paperwork, so as to hide from the expectant eyes of a daughter who looked so much like her mother.
Every so often, he'd glance at her and a smile would almost come to him. Almost.
She knew what happened to her mother, at least. She had asked one day, curious as to why all her other friends had mommies and daddies, and she was one less parent.
He told her all the details, not sparing her child-ears, not even caring, because she had to know she ruined his life.
And now, here she was, waiting for him to give her acknowledgement. He just turned his back.
Oh MiMi!! Guess who revised chapter one cause it suuuuuuuuuuuucked?! I think this is muuuuuuch better. Hope you enjoy all three new chapters.
