A.N.: This story was based on a prompt that I got from my friend a while back, which was: "One of the Marauders has to say 'Bitch, please'".

Warning: One use of mild language.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.


"I think that went well."

"Padfoot, in what universe did that go well?"

"I don't follow."

"Pad, we are locked in a broom cupboard."

"Relax, Moony, we'll be fine!"

"I'm sure that it supposed to be reassuring, but it's not."

"Can you please stop fighting? I feel like Daniel in the Lion's Den."

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"Don't worry! I've got this!"

"Uh oh."

"What?"

"The last time you said that, we got locked in a broom cupboard."

"Ah. Yes. Well this time, I do have it!"

"Pad, are you sure this is going to work?"

"Bitch, please, I'm Sirius Black."