Yuri: Please note this is parody fan fiction. As in a fictitious parody of works of fan fiction I have encountered over the years. It has never been my intention to hurt or offend any author, so please don't take offence… even if you're not even faintly amused about some of the things I've parodied or said.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!


Chapter One

From the rising sun, to the picturesque sky, it looked to be a beautiful morning in the city of Domino. The morning rays of sunshine poured in through the window, hitting the bed where Yugi Mouto hadn't slept since the winter of '07.

Fake IDs and booze kicked ass…

Out cold on the living room floor, with no absolutely recollection of the events of the night before… or last the three days for that matter, Yugi slowly regained consciousness.

"Huh?" He mumbled groggily. Rolling over, he reached behind himself to pull his cat out from under him.

"REOW!" The cat hissed as it was carelessly chucked out the open window. "How are you feeling?"

Rolling back over, Yugi lazily cracked an eye open at his darker half.

"Tired….and my groin hurts," he mumbled. Sitting up, he watched as Yami suddenly became nervous, eyes darting back and forth.

"Err....um...whatever could that be?" He asked, still making the shifty eyes.

Yugi just shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe I just got raped again?" His stomach gave out a loud grumble and he looked up to Yami with tired eyes. "What's for breakfast?"

"You're asking me!?" Yami exclaimed. "I can't make breakfast. I'm sexually challenged remembered!"

"Technology, Yami," Yugi corrected him. "Technology challenged." Once again Yami made the shifty eyes.

"Yes....that's what I meant." Yami stopped making shifty eyes and gave Yugi a concerned look. "You really shouldn't drink so much Yugi. Next time I might not get so lucky."

After that Yami walked off leaving Yugi confused.

"Don't you mean 'I', as in 'myself', might not so get so lucky?"

No reply.


Skipping ahead to Domino High, (because let's face it, nothing exciting can possibly happen during a five minute walk through a populated area to get to school. No rapes, no kidnappings, no drive-by shootings, no spontaneous confessions of love and, of course, no ritualistic killings of small animals and then licking their bones clean.)

Anyway, skipping ahead to Domino High, we find our heroes-

"Woah, back up there!" Jou suddenly interrupted. "Since when are we heroes?"

Since you duelled against the forces of evil and saved the world multiple times.

"Point taken," Jou replied thoughtfully. "However, technically speaking, only Yugi and Yami are heroes. I mean, they stood up and saved the world. The rest of us just said crappy one-liners and lost a lot. Plus Anzu didn't do shit and Bakura, Kaiba, Malik and Marik are all guilty of attempted homicide on at least one occasion-"

Well…I guess.

"Also, why in the hell did we have to duel them?" Jou continued. "I mean, did it ever occur to anyone to maybe pull out a shotgun and simply shoot the bad guys? Or, at the very least, get the police or national guard involved? Leaving the fate of the world to a children's card game is pretty irresponsi-"

SILENCE!

"..."

Much better. Now, like I was saying...Domino High, kids, potential murderers and so on.

"Hey, Ryou!" Honda called, waving him over as Ryou entered the classroom. Peering over his friend's shoulder, Honda noticed someone was missing. "Where's Bakura today?"

"Bakura?" Ryou repeated, sounding shocked and offended. "The fucker thought he'd abuse me to make himself feel better about his own pathetic existence, and being sexually confused. However, instead of taking it, crying, hiding it from all my friends, and then ultimately falling in love with my abuser for no apparent reason, in some sick Stockholm syndrome fantasy, I did the smart thing. I called the cops. The douche bag is prison, probably having butt sex as speak," Ryou finished, back to his usual cheerful self.

"Good work," Honda said offhandedly.


"AH! HELP ME!" Bakura screamed, somewhere very faraway.

"You got a real purdy mouth."


As the teacher entered the classroom, everyone took their seats.

Jou looked around and noticed Seto Kaiba was missing.

"Holy shit! Kaiba is missing, and he's always missing from school, seeing as he runs a multibillion dollar cooperation. Something is seriously wrong, and only I, with my nonexistent resources, can figure out what."

Yugi looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "WTF?!"

"Silence! Silence in my classroom." The teacher snapped, cracking her whip. She probably should of had German subtitles or something. "We have a new student! Her name is: The-Really-Hot-and-Sassy-New-Chick-With-a-Secret-Past-Whom-Everyone-Immediately Likes-and-All-The-Guys-Fall-In-Love-With!"

All: O.o

"Or…Mary Sue, if you prefer!"

Sliding the door open, a young girl stepped into the classroom. Upon looking at her, everyone gaped.

….in horror.

"MY EYES! THEY BURN!" Yami screamed, falling off his seat and trying to gouge his eyes out.

The girl had frizzy hair that was at least five different colours, thick, oversized glasses that covered half her face, blotchy skin, and huge juju lips. Then there was the morbidly obese thing.

The desk and chair never stood a chance really.

Clearing her throat, the teacher cracked her whip once more and class began. "Right, so you fuckwits have an exam today. Any questions?"

A random student stuck up his hand.

"What's an exam?" He asked.

"Die!" The teacher shouted, banishing the random student to the shadow realm.

Frightened into silence once more, every student focused their attention on the teacher as she began writing notes on the board.

Sometime later, they were interrupted by a knock on the door. A policewoman stepped in, dragging Seto Kaiba behind her.

"Found this one wondering the streets," she explained, throwing a rather disorientated CEO forward.

"Mr Kaiba," the teacher snapped. "No doubt you found school beneath yourself and decided to skip it, as you are far superior with 200 point IQ, billions of dollars, and underfloor heating in every room."

Raising eyebrow, the policewoman looked between Seto and the teacher that vaguely reminded her of Hitler. That whip couldn't be legal…

"Erm, actually…he's just stoned. That's why I found him wandering the streets.

At that particular moment, Seto fell to the floor; unconscious.

When no one moved, or even seemed to care, the policewoman stepped forward once more. "Shouldn't we take him to a hospital or something?"

Everyone, including the teacher, just shrugged. Defeated, the policewoman left.

"Right, everyone. You have ten minutes until the end of class, so you can do what you want. Oh, by the way, Yugi, I'd like to see you please."

"Shit!" Yugi hissed.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Standing before the teacher, Yugi watched as she waved a piece of paper in front of him.

"Right, since you've been intoxicated for the last three days, you haven't completed your ENTRY EXAM. You can complete your ENTRY EXAM now. Please complete your ENTRY EXAM."

Yugi nodded slowly.

"Right...so what am I doing again?"

"THE ENTRY EXAM!" The teacher screamed, shoving the test at him.

Meanwhile Anzu was shyly approaching Yami with a pink piece of paper.

"Here you go Yami...I wrote another poem," she said quietly. Yami accepted the piece of paper and read it carefully.

Anzu + Yami = Hot, wild, super kinky sex. Anytime, anywhere.

"This is very good, Anzu," said Yami, completely missing the subtle hint that wasn't subtle…or even a hint for that matter.

"Thanks. It won first place in the school poetry contest."

Meanwhile, Yugi struggled with his exam.

Question one. Spell purple.

Grumbling, he racked his alcohol abused brain, and single remaining brain cell for some answers.

PURRPAL

"I DID IT!" Yugi shouted triumphantly.

On the other side of the classroom, Honda walked over to the unconscious Kaiba and poked him with a ruler repeatedly.

"AH! RAPE!" Seto shouted, scrambling to his senses.

"Not quite. So where the hell have you been lately?" Honda asked.

"Well, I went to this party...and got really wasted. After that, I think I went to sleep..."

"Dude! Aren't you supposed to be running a multi-billion dollar company!?" Honda exclaimed.

"Oh, God no! Mokuba does all the work. He says it's better this way. I'd just run it into the ground."

"I'm with you there."


"Finally!" Yugi said exasperatedly, the gang having assembled in the cafeteria for lunch. Pulling a bottle of bourbon out of his lunch box, Yugi proceeded to go to town on it. "Phew! For a few brief moments there, I think I may actually have been sober."

"Hey, Kaiba?" Jou called across the table. "How come you're sitting with us? We don't like you, remember?"

"Would you be with my friend if I opened up about my terrifying past, making you all feel sorry for me?" Kaiba asked, forcing Jou to stop and actually think.

'God, I kick ass,' he thought.

"Jou! You're supposed to be considering Kaiba's question!" Ryou snapped.

"Right...okay. You can give us all head!" Jou replied.

"…I'm going to ignore that and give you all my boring life story instead."

Thirty Minutes Later.

"-and that's about it," Kaiba finished, everyone around him gaping in horror.

"Kaiba," Ryou eventually spoke up. "You didn't actually tell us anything relevant about your life. You just talked about how big your penis was, and about the freaky sex you had with a hooker last weekend."

"Yeaaahh," Kaiba trailed off, falling into a daydream about said weekend.

Meanwhile, Anzu was giving Yami a lap dance while chanting the words 'I love you Yami'. She finally stopped and whispered it one last time. As usual, Yami remained oblivious.

You know, for a supposed sex God, he could really be retarded at times.

"That's nice Anzu," he mumbled, grabbing a nearby sandwich. Grumbling, Anzu climbed off Yami and proceeded to sulk.

"Wazzup, my homies!!" Mary Sue shouted walking over to the gang.

They just all stared at her.

"What? Aren't I one of the gang?"

"Hell no! Fuck off!" Yugi slurred, making Mary Sue run off crying.

After lunch all the Ryou, Yugi and Joey ran to their next class, which happened to be maths. Standing outside the door, muffled laughing could be heard inside.

"HAHA! This is fucking hilarious! It's just so funny!"

"Wow," Ryou murmured as the roaring laughter continued. "The teacher must be reading one hell of a book."

"He isn't reading a book," Jou corrected him. "He's marking our exams."

"HAHA! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!" The teacher cried. "These exams are so fucking funny!"

"…creepy," Ryou muttered.

When the trio finally stepped inside, the teacher stopped and looked at them as they stood in the doorway.

"I told you to be here at 1:00pm. It's 12:59pm!"

"Sorry," Joey muttered. Suddenly, the teacher ripped open the shadow realm and tried to banish them.

"AHHHH!" Screaming, the trio ran back into the hall to wait for the rest of the class.

"Right," the teacher announced as the class began. "Who can tell me the atomic number of uranium?"

"…"

"Um...isn't this maths?" Asked a random student.

"YOU DARE ARGUE WITH ME!" He yelled sending the random student to the shadow realm.

"HOLY SHIT!" Yugi shouted, diving under his desk.

"Well this sucks now doesn't it?" Ryou grumbled, also hiding under his desk. "Because later on, I'm going to start walking home. On the way home it will start raining heavily, even though the weather report said it'd be sunny all week. I will look for shelter and bump into some really big, perverted men who will try to rape me, but I will be heroically saved by the person I'm fated to fall in love with."

Joey just stared at him, blinking rapidly.

"How do you know all this?" He asked.


Yuri: And that's chapter one done. Everyone is more than welcome to give me ideas about what they'd like to see parodied. I'd appreciate any and all ideas.