Pretending

Sometimes when Ted is alone, he pretends he has a boyfriend. Yes, he knows it's childish, pathetic, and probably makes him the biggest loser in existence. He just can't help it, on days too full of loneliness.

On a random night in Babylon, thumpa thumpa running steady though the walls and familiar rainbow neon lights crisscrossing the dark and playing on the planes of his face, Ted sips his cranberry tonic and notices a man he's never seen before. Michael and Ben are home fucking, Brian and Justin are in the backroom fucking, Emmett's shimmying across the dance floor and there's that guy. He's incredibly hot, his black hair lank with sweat as he dances at the outskirts of the crowd. He's shirtless and Ted is mesmerized by his perfect body as he moves. So hot, and so unattainable.

Usually at this point, Ted would try making a pass, get rejected, and that would be that. Instead, tonight he imagines the guy meeting his eyes across the dance floor and smiling just for him. He would push his way through the crowd, grinning all the while and once he got to Ted he would lean forward and kiss him where he stood against the bar with drink in hand. The kiss would be deep and it would be comforting. Then it would end and their hands would touch. "How are you?" his boyfriend would ask, and "Do you want to dance?" Ted would laugh and let himself be led to the floor. At the end of the night, they would walk home together through the streets of Pittsburgh.

Ted takes another sip and watched the guy dance with somebody else.

One morning, Ted sits at the Liberty Diner counter, ordering scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast from Debbie, when Emmett walks in the door. For a moment everything freezes and Ted pretends that things are like they were a year ago, and that Emmett is going to walk over and kiss the top of his head before sitting. Then they would kiss on the mouth and Emmett would taste sweet like summer. Ted would order him a doughnut and coffee, before Emmett ever needed to ask. Em would smile and think Ted's being silly. They would eat and chat, closer than just friends.

"Hey Teddy," Emmett says as he sits down, wearing a white and tangerine stripped shirt. He orders breakfast.

"You look like a cremesicle," Ted jokes, watching Em cut into his doughnut. A part of him wishes he could lick that cremesicle, but remembering what he did, is glad that they're friends at least.

For several nights it happens—Ted wakes up in the middle of the hot summer's night, after sex dreams he can't remember and a hard-on under the sheets. Yes, it's silly of him to pretend he has a boyfriend, but then he imagines Blake's body pressed up against him and he doesn't care.

"Blake," he whispers half asleep into the room.

"Shh," Blake replies. "I…" He has such a cute voice, as if it's asking for something or wants to tell you how adorable you are. They kiss in the dark and it's everything beautiful, Blake touches his cock and Ted thinks he must be dreaming because it feels so real.

Ted thinks he's a loser, and when he looks in the mirror he doesn't see his gorgeous brown eyes, his long eyelashes and how his face makes sense as a whole. He doesn't see how his constant self-deprecation makes him so huggable or the cocky look he gets when he's trying to be funny.

When he dreams of Blake, sometimes it's as the little twink dying for help, for love, and everything is comfortable between them. Other times, Ted imagines the clear-headed confident councilor, a shining savoir with a good heart.

Now they touch each other as equals in dreams and Ted wants it to last forever, to find Blake in his bed when the sun comes up.

One snowy August, Ted makes a decision. He won't pretend he has a boyfriend anymore, he won't run around desperately looking for love. He'll wait for the perfect timing. And as he blows away birthday candles, it finally comes.