Theory on Revolving Doors by Anne Elk (Miss)
Presenter: Thank you very much for coming on to the studio. Thank you.
Anne Elk: Thank you. My pleasure, Chris…
Presenter: Next week, Britain's newest wasp farm –
Anne Elk: It's been a lot of fun.
Presenter: Yes, thank you very much.
Anne Elk: Saying what my theory is.
Presenter: Yes, thank you.
Anne Elk: And whose it is.
Presenter: Yes, thank you – that's all – thank you. Now, opens next week –
Anne Elk: I have another theory.
Presenter: Yes, yes, thank you.
Anne Elk: Called my second theory, or my Theory Number Two.
Presenter: (exasperated) Britain's newest wasp farm –
Anne Elk: This second theory, which is the one that I had said...
The phone rings. The Presenter answers it.
Presenter: Yes, no, I'm trying...
Anne Elk: Which I could expound without doubt. This second theory which, with the one which I just said, forms the brace of theories which I own and which belong to me, goes like this...
Anne drones on.
Presenter: (removing his shoe and examining the inside) 9 and a half, wide fitting... Balley's of Bond Street. What? No, sort of brogue.
Anne Elk: This is what it is. (clears throat delicately)
Presenter: 8 and a half.
Anne Elk: This is it. (lots of noisy throat-clearing)
Presenter: No...no...no...no...yes...yes...no...no...yes. Yes. No. Goodbye. (hangs up)
Anne Elk: My new theory, of which I shall be speaking in a minute. (clears throat very loudly again). Any moment now I will be saying my theory.
Presenter: (looking at camera and ignoring Anne) In relation to Britain's latest wasp farm, a new bill has been –
Anne Elk: Theory on revolving doors, by Anne Elk (Miss). Not Anne Elk (Mrs), Anne Elk (Miss). My theory is as follows.
Pause. Then, Anne clears her throat so loudly, she jumps off her chair a little.
Anne Elk: I am about to say my theory. My theory on revolving doors. (deep breath) My theory is as follows. Revolving doors go at a moderate pace when you leave them along, but go much, much faster if you push them. And that is it, that is my Theory Number Two. I wrote this theory, along with my Theory Number One, and I therefore own it, and it is mine, and no one may say otherwise. (smug grin)
Presenter: (after brief pause) And this is your second theory?
Anne Elk: Yes, it is my second theory, my second theory, a theory that belongs to me.
Presenter: Your theory on revolving doors?
Anne Elk: My own, personal theory, a theory that is mine, yes.
Presenter: It's shit.
He stands up and leaves the studio.
Anne Elk: But I have another theory! My Third Theory, or Theory Number Three, that belongs to me, and that I wrote...
She gets up, and runs after the Presenter, clearing her throat the whole way.
