Alright, this I'm Narcissa Bolt. I found this Fic! on and forced myself to read it. Why? I honestly have no clue. However, I did, and I felt quite ill afterwards. It's a Harry Potter Fic!, so...well, you'll see.

Now, this is a character commentary, not a personal commentary. So, forbasically it's what I like to think that characters would say if they were to read this...this...squick. So, here we dive into part one. Yes, there's more than one.

Alright, now we begin.

Remus is sitting on a bench in the middle of purgatory when he spies a stapled stack of papers sitting beside him.

Remus: Oh, a paper! *Quickly runs off to the others*

Sirus: Where am I…and why am I sixteen again?

James: *Smiles* neat

Remus: (out of breath) I have a Fic!

Tonks: Gah, don't you know the evil they hold?

Remus: Um…nooo, no.

James: Whenever someone finds a bad Fic! no one leaves happy.

Remus: But the rules…

James: What rules?

Sirius: Hello! Still suddenly de-aged!

Remus: When you find a stack of paper you have to pick it up and take it to show your friends, otherwise you'll be cursed.

Severus: Aren't we already cursed, what with us being in hell and all.

Everyone: It's not hell! It's purgatory!

Severus: Whatever.

Remus: Also there's a note.

Severus: And…?

Remus: Well, it's long and there are a lot of big words that James and Sirius wouldn't understand-

James/Sirius: Hey!

Remus: But, the gist of it is that to work off our sins from our life we have to read something called 'bad!fic'. Then we go on to our respectable afterlives.

Sirius: We all still suddenly de-aged!

Tonks: Can we just get this Fic! over with?

James: Yeah, okay, just so long as I'm not in this one.

What can you do with a carrot and a bottle of liquor?

Tonks: Hmm.

Remus: Don't think to hard Honey.

Sirius: Anyone else see the weird age here?

Severus: I can think of three things.

Remus: Me too, but they all involve a goose and duct tape.

Tonks: Wah?

SnapeXJames

James: I see I am in this. Hey Sniv, why do you look so…terrified.

Sirius: *Whisper whisper*

James: Oh…

Sirius: *whisper whisper whisper*

James: Oh!

Tonks/Sirius: *Whisper whisper*

James: My God! Who would write this type of…squick?

Severus: *Broken.*

James entered the room where Snape was sitting by himself,

James: Because he has no friends.

Severus: Shut it off.

James: Shut it off?

working with his potions. He was munching on some carrots he had in a bowl next to him.

Severus: Because I keep those with me at all times.

Snape turned to look at him and was about to ask what he was doing there, but James shushed him.

James: I did what?

Remus: Shushed…him?

James: How does one do that?

Tonks: Obviously the author of this has no sense of how to shut Severus up.

"Do me a favour and hide me. I'll do you a favour in return."

Severus: I don't want your favours.

Alright…" Snape started, but James had already swiftly hid under the table. Just seconds later, a hairy, old professor entered.

Everyone: Ew.

James: Hey Sniv, obviously this is a new dimension where you meet yourself when you're older.

Tonks: Hairy, old professor? Where's Slughorn?

Remus: Maybe it is Slughorn?

"Mr. Snape. Have you seen Potter around here?" he asked. His eyebrows were so long, Snape couldn't imagine he could see anything past them. His suspicions were confirmed when the man had to move the hair apart with his fingers like it was curtains.

Everyone: *Shudder*

Tonks: That is *not* Slughorn!

Snape glanced at James under the table that was slowly shaking his head.

Remus: Why was the table shaking James' head?

James: I hate those damned enchanted tables.

Tonks: Language, James! There is a lady in the room!

Sirius: Where?

"No," Snape then replied to the professor.

"Are you sure?" The professor scanned the room.

"Absolutely. I will notify you if I see him."

James: Why does the professor want me so bad?

Sirius: Exploding cauldrons? Exploding toilets? Exploding bookcases? Attempting to explode the professor?

James: Oh, right, that.

"Alright. Good boy."

James: Because that's just so believable, 'no', No never got me out of anything.

Severus: Well yes, but you're a horrible human being who no one ever believed because you always lied.

Remus: Except that one time.

James: (Dreamily) Ah yes, that one time.

Sirius: I still suddenly poofed into a sixteen year old boy!

"Professor?" The old man stopped in his tracks and turned back to Snape. "Would you lock the door please?

James: (Severus's voice) As I'm about to do inappropriate things with myself.

There are so many people interrupting me while I'm trying to work."

"Of course," the professor smiled and did as the young boy asked him.

James came back out from

Severus: Inside the closet?

Sirius: Sev, just because we look like we're sixteen doesn't mean we are.

Tonks: You got over the shock of the age change then?

Sirius: No…I'm just choosing to ignore it. If I ignore it then it'll all go away.

Remus: I tried that once!

James: And…?

Remus:…*Sigh* I'm a werewolf.

under the table, smiling. "Thank you." Snape had his eyes fixed on him.

James: Get them off!

Tonks: Silly Sevvy, eyes go inside your head.

James loosened his tie and threw it away.

Sirius: Why? Ties are expensive.

He then started to slowly unbutton his shirt. "You know…" he began. He looked down, trying to hide his slight blush from the other man that was still staring so intently at him. "I'm sorry I'm always picking on you and bully and humiliate you.

James: I am not.

Severus: (Sarcastically) Aww, you like me! You really like me.

I want to make it up to you."

James: By killing myself.

Severus: Thank you

Tonks: Already dead.

James and Severus: Aw, damn.

"And how will you do that?" Snape asked, although he had a good idea of what it was.

Severus: James was going to stab himself in the gut with his wand and shout Crucio?

Remus: Have you thought about this?

Severus: *Sigh* all the time.

James looked back up and smiled. He took his unbuttoned shirt of before gently unzipping his trousers. He pulled down his pants and walked out of them,

Tonks: Door pants! A great new invention!

then casually kicked them away.

"I have been thinking about it and I think I have come up with a solution." He took off his socks then his boxers. He stands up straight in front of Snape, bare naked.

Sirius: That's a little redundant.

James: Heh, what she doesn't know is that I never wear socks.

Tonks: You're not wearing socks?

James: *Triumphantly* Nope.

Tonks: Why are you so proud of that?

"Look at me. All of me."

James: Now, only look at my arm.

James was looking Snape in the eyes. Snape's eyes on the other hand were wandering.

Tonks: Severus Snape keep your eyes inside your head! Don't let them go off all willy nilly.

"Say something. Anything! Insult me or whatever. Now is your chance Snape."

Severus: To escape?

Tonks: *Grabs Severus' shirt collar before he can stand up.* No!

Severus: Well, I'll just insult him them. You're a loud, arrogant, filthy, disgrace for a human being. You should probably go take you're wand and-

Tonks: That's quite enough of that!

But Snape didn't say anything. He was just sitting on his chair, staring at him. Slightly annoyed with the reaction, James walked over to him and unzipped Snape's pants. He pulled them off and kicked them away before going down on his knees in front of Snape.

Sirius: I really think we should stop reading now.

Remus: Yes, but I can't stop.

Sirius: Me neither.

Tonks: I can stop whenever I want.

*Long pause*

Tonks: Well, obviously now is not the time.

James began pulling off Snape's boxers, but he chickened out before his cock was completely visible. A mocking snort

Severus: I do not snort.

James: Yeah, and I don't touch your dick either.

Severus: *Brief pause* I do not snort.

Remus: *Is sick*

from Snape gave James courage again and he grabbed the long member and gently caressed it.

"If you want, I can get the others so that they can see me like this. It would be very embarrassing,"

James: I think that the author thinks I'm a masochist, but I think she thinks wrong.

Siruis: Maybe it's the fact that I'm somehow sixteen again, but you lost me Prongs.

James whispered just loud enough for Snape to hear it.

Remus: That's, uh, that's usually how whispering works.

Snape gave him a surprised look. "There's no need," he said.

Severus: In fact they decided there was no need for any of this and went back to their respectable houses.

Tonks: *Grabs Sev's shirt collar again.* No, sit.

Remus: If it were only that easy.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Snape replied calmly.

James: Wow Snivellus is the only one making sense here.

James nodded. Snape could see a faint, relieved smile. James moved closer to Snape's cock and licked the tip. The cock became completely erect.

Sirius: Oh, completely. Yeah new accomplishment 'ay Sev?

Severus: Shouldn't you be on fire by now?

Tonks: Already dead!

Severus: That doesn't stop him from being on fire.

Snape's breath was fast and shallow as he looked down on James' beautiful face. The boy got braver and began sucking harder. Snape came soon after. James swallowed, making some funny faces as he did.

Remus: A funny face? Like this?

(Remus pulls at the sides of his mouth and widens his eyes)

Tonks: Yes dear, just like that.

Sirius: Huh, no one's ever done that to me before, not like that anyway.

Severus: Be glad.

Remus: Oh, search the internet, I'm sure they have.

Sirius:…Internet?

He looked up at Snape.

Severus: Anyone else notice that this author calls me 'Snape' rather than 'Severus?'

James: That's what bothers you the most?

Severus: No, it's just annoying.

Sirius: It's his defense Mechanism. Blocks out the pain of squick.

Tonks: Squick?

Sirius: It's a real thing.

"What do you want to do now?" he asked smiling.

Severus: Go home.

Tonks: Sit.

Severus: So close.

"Get up." James got up and Snape grabbed him by the shoulder and led him to one of the tables. "Lay down on it.

James: But the books are still there!

On your back."

Remus: Because you'd be uncomfortable on your head.

James did as he was asked. The table was cold and the position made his back hurt

Remus: But not as much as it would have if he was one his head.

but he didn't say anything. He just hoped Snape would be quick.

Snape trailed his fingers along James' chest.

Tonks: Keep your body parts to yourself Severus!

He briefly touched his nipples often,

James: How much time is spent here?

Severus: Too much, obviously if I touch your nipples…often.

Remus: Ah, but briefly.

Tonks: Yes, it makes no sense, we got that from the title.

teasing him. The mix of sensation and coldness made them stiffen. Liking the reaction, Snape pinched them both.

James: *wraps his arms around his body* Ow, ow, ow!

James gasped loudly. Smirking, Snape moved his face closer to James'. "Do you always get this hard…" Snape looked down on James. "In all places?" he whispered into his ear.

James: Um, not my ears, my ears stay pretty full of cartilage most of the time. All flimsy like.

"It's just with you," James gasped. He blushed as he realized what he had said.

Snape smirked and moved his hand further down. He started pumping James' cock.

Sirius: Full of air? Like a tire?

Remus: Oh no, it's gonna explode if he keeps on like that!

Severus: Good.

Everyone else: *Look of horror*

Severus: What?

"Not much to play with," Snape teased.

Severus: Obviously I like the ear better.

James: The author has never even seen my little James!

Severus: Little James, exactly.

Sirius: I call mine Daisy.

"So sorry," James said insulted and turned away.

Snape didn't mind and kept going. He was doing it slowly and stopped whenever he felt James' body twitch. With his free hand he caressed James' thigh. James both wanted him to continue and to finish up. His impatiens won in the end.

James: What are my 'impatiens'?

Tonks: Impatiens are a type of flower.

James: *worried* Why do I have them?

Severus: Obviously I gave them to you.

"Please hurry up!"

James: The books are hurting my back.

Remus: At least you're not on your head doing this.

Severus: Watch it, with this author you never know.

he moaned. Snape looked at James. "I-I can't take it… anymore!" Snape enjoyed the moment well before he finished up with James.

Severus: And quickly left the room feeling as though he needed a three day shower…in acid.

Tonks: Sit!

Severus: Ha, I wasn't leaving that time.

Tonks: Um…good?

Severus: …Damn.

James fell on the floor as he came hard and Snape released his grip on him.

Severus: I hope none of it got on me.

James: Please, like with your skin it would make a difference.

"T-thanks… I guess," he breathed heavily.

"Get up. I'm not done with you yet."

Severus: Now I get to kill him?

Sirius: Don't sound so happy…it's creepy.

Severus: You suddenly turned sixteen.

Sirius: Finally, someone else noticed! Weird isn't it it's like I morphed.

James got back up with shaky legs.

James: No, I gave shaky's legs back to him last week!

"Lean on the desk."

Remus: But not on your head!

Tonks: You're really worried about James being on his head, aren't you?

Remus: Mmmhmm.

"Say what?"

Severus: *Singing* Say, say, say what you want, but don't

play games with my affection.

Remus And Sirius: *Singing* Take, take, take what you need, but don't leave me with no direction!

Severus: All alone

James: You never ever worry

James, Remus, Sirius, and Severus: And you never shed a tear.

Tonks: It says 'say what' not 'say what you want. Not the time for Paul McCarthy.

Sirius: It's always time for Paul McCarthy.

"Lean on the desk."

Remus: Really though, not on your head!

James did as he was told and leaned on the desk.

Remus: On his back?

Tonks: Yes honey.

Remus: Thank God.

James/Sirius: You're welcome!

It was warmer this time. He then looked over his shoulder. Snape was standing right behind him and moved his hand to James' mouth.

Severus: Surprise! I had chloroform all along!

"Suck on them. Make them wet,"

James: You're…fingers?

Tonks: That's not sexy.

Sirius: Nor a proper thing to do in this situation.

he whispered in James' ear.

Severus: Hey I really do like your ears.

Sirius: Because they don't get hard?

He took them out and pushed them slowly into James' tight hole.

James: My ear?

Sirius: See, that's his defense mechanism.

James winced in pain as the fingers moved further inside of him.

"Who would've though.

Severus: Exactly, who would've done this though?

Tonks: I think she means 'thought'.

Remus: Then shouldn't there be a question mark?

A virgin."

James: Heh, little did she know….

Tonks: God, you're such a little liar.

James: So, you finally admit that I'm God?

Severus: If you're God, then why do you have to read the Fic!

James: Because…because…because…Shut up!

Snape was smiling teasingly, but his eyes quickly turned cold.

Severus: Because he suddenly realized the horror of what he was doing?

Tonks: No, because they fell out of your head again!

Severus: Don't hit me!

Remus: Were his eyes hot before?

The look kind of hurt him.

Severus: Because I jabbed a stake through his heart.

James: I'm not a vampire.

Remus: Silly kids, stakes won't kill a for-real vampire.

James turned away and looked down at the floor.

Tonks: Because that's where Sev's eyes were!

Snape pulled his fingers out of him. James thought it was over,

James: Hoped.

but a larger object was suddenly shoved in.

Severus: Surprise! It's a pipe bomb!

Sirius: Have you actually thought about this?

Severus: Well, not a thoroughly as this author, but as for the pipe bomb…. oh yeah.

Remus: That's a little disturbing.

Severus: Well I wouldn't use it in the way the author wants it used.

He turned around quickly and looked at what the hell it was. A freaking carrot.

Sirius: Super freak, super freak. A freaking carrot.

Severus: Because I always keep carrots on my person.

James cried as Snape moved it in more.

Remus: That…poor carrot.

James: Poor carrot?

"Ops. Did it hurt?" Snape whispered.

James nodded and Snape pushed the carrot in even further.

Severus: I think they got our relationship down wrong.

James: Yes, according to this I'm the masochist and you're the sadistic one.

James twisted in pain. Snape let his free hand slide slowly along James' back. He let his hand stop on the back of his neck. James was still breathing heavily.

Tonks: Um…the neck is not the back.

Remus: Also, you can't feel someone breathe at their neck.

James: Yes, also I would never allow this to happen.

when Snape spun the carrot around. He then began thrusting it in out of him.

Remus: You don't generally thrust something out of people.

"You're being a good boy,"

Severus: Now sit. Good boy.

Sirius: Hey!

Severus: What?

Sirius: (Pouting) I'm the dog.

he whispered again before taking the carrot out. James had tears in his eyes, but didn't say anything and dried them off. Snape threw the carrot away and replaced it instead with his cock.

Severus: Rooster!

James: I wish.

Severus: Bestiality?

Narcisssa: And that is the end of part one. That's all I can stand to write at the moment. Please note that I only wrote the things that appear in bold. And the horrible author (Ml90) wrote the rest. Now, I need to go take a bath in acid before I can finish this.

Part two coming soon to a computer screen near you!