disclaimer - dont own any of the characters.
*warning* very sensitive subject. i know about this, i've seen it happen with my auntie and its heart breaking... truly heartbreaking.
It happened when I was 4 months. The feeling of losing it, its horrible, something i wouldnt even wish on Monica Morrell. They told me everything would be alright. It wouldnt, i had just lost it. A thing that was growing inside of me, a thing i was supposed to protect at all costs. It was my fault, i must have done something wrong...
You dont understand, no one understands. No one knows, no one sees, no one but me. None of my friends knew how it felt to lose one of the three only good things in my life. They dont know how it feels to lose a child. A baby growing inside of me.
When i think of what could have been, it hurts so damn much. So much, i just want to crawl into a ball on the floor and die. To be with my unborn child.
In the hospital, i had went because i wasnt feeling right, they told me the baby didnt have a heartbeat. It was dead. I lay in the bed and i felt awful. I knew it was time to let go but i didnt want to. I would hold on to this little piece of life inside of me for as long as possible. The midwifes were great, so kind and understanding. But did they truly understand how i felt? How much my heart was breaking? Just how much pain went into the tears streaming down my face? No.
I felt the pains in my stomach become sharper and i knew, i know that now is the time to let go of it. To my wonderful, dead baby. I cried even harder as the midwife helped me let go. As i gave birth to my tiny baby. I felt a piece of me die, a piece that could never, ever come back to life.
Back at home i felt dead. I looked dead, pale naturally. Big black bags under my eyes. I barely ate. I felt so upset, i had failed at keeping a tiny baby safe. I was usless. Fat. Ugly. Why would anyone want me? I wish i was dead.
