A/N: Hey all! This is my first ever Naruto story! Excited? You should be! But seriously, here's how it's gonna go down. I'm basing this particular fic off of the VH1 show The Pickup Artist. It a stupidly funny show on men who are too embarrassed to talk to women, and, thus, are getting tips and tricks on doing so from the "ultimate pickup artist," Mystery. However, I'm gonna be changing it up a bit and having our lovable ninjas participate instead. They won't be as sad and pathetic either. Well, not all of them anyway. Enjoy!

Rating: This is rated T for sexual situations and language.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. You know, or any of the many things associated with it legally. All I own is various little pieces of merchandise.

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The Pickup Ninja

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It was a quiet day in the Leaf Village. With no missions or any assignments going on, Naruto Uzumaki was becoming extremely bored out of his mind.

Flopping down on his bed, Naruto stared at the ceiling and sighed. "Ugh, I'm so bored! There's gotta be something I can do!" But after a half hour of sighing and silent thinking, he couldn't come up with anything. Angered by how boring the day was shaping out to be, Naruto flopped violently to one side only to face the television set. Deciding there was nothing better to do, he grabbed the remote and flipped it on.

" – and I'll teach these eight men how to pick up chicks. It's a good thing they've come to me for help. With the help of my two wing men, Matador and J-Dog, I, Mystery, will enlighten these men in the art of seduction. Prepare yourselves. This is The Pickup Ninja."

A cheesy opening then began to play. "Good god, there's a show for everything these days!" Naruto commented rolling on his back, "How pathetic! These guys must be total losers!" And it was then that Naruto noticed a familiar face on the screen. "Iruka sensei? . . . Kakashi sensei?! . . . PERVY SAGE?!?!"

Hurrying into a sitting position, Naruto kept his eyes fixed on the T.V., unable to believe what he'd seen. After the intro ended, a screen came up with pictures of eight men. All of which Naruto recognized. Then, the contestants were introduced.

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Jiraiya: Self-proclaimed pervert. He sees himself easily winning the competition. Already good with the ladies, as already proclaimed by himself, Jiraiya plans to take the throne of the Ultimate Pickup Ninja and unseat Mystery once and for all.

Might Gai: Is not afraid of anything but disappointing the ladies. He feels he can win this competition because of his overwhelming charm. His secret weapon: A dashing smile, well-placed wink, and his traditional thumbs up.

Orochimaru: Feels women will fall for his pale complexion and sickeningly long tongue. Enjoys wooing both sexes, but feels he could use a little more luck with the ladies. Self proclaims that he looks like Lord Voldemort.

Itachi Uchiha: Feels the show itself is completely pointless, but still wants to win nonetheless. Admits that he wants to pick up "many woman," but the question still remains on his sexuality preference.

Kakashi Hatake: Says this is just another way to pass the time. Claims he could win this competition with his whole face covered up. Also says he wants Mystery's fuzzy hat.

Iruka Imino: The most cowardly in the bunch. When it comes to ladies, that is. Is actually here to learn from what Mystery says. Scared of manly confrontation.

Zabuza Momochi: Claims this is just a waste of his life. However, he bought a very large five subject notebook for the sole purpose of taking notes on during the show. Admits practicing his kissing abilities with a pillow.

Kabuto Yakushi: Seemingly here just to follow Orochimaru around. His sexuality preference is strongly in question, and he doesn't seem to notice he's on a show at all.

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"Oh. My. God," Naruto gasped dropping the remote from his hand, "I gotta call Sasuke!"

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All eight contestants are seen arriving at a huge mansion where the studies in seduction will begin. The first one out of the bus is Orochimaru. He giddily hops out of the bus and squeals, "Oh! Oh! Look at this place! It's so FANCY! Kabuto, grab my things would you?"

"Of course, Lord Orochimaru," Kabuto answers shuffling out of the bus with five suitcases in hand.

"You know," Iruka comments, "I don't think you both needed to pack so much."

"These all belong to Lord Orochimaru. And he has to look stylish and hip, so get off his case," Kabuto retorted angrily.

"Wait, if that's all his stuff, then where's your stuff?"

Turning to Iruka, Kabuto thrust his hip out to him. Not getting the gesture, Iruka became throughly confused. Seeing that Iruka wasn't getting it, Kabuto thrust his hip more violently at Iruka. Finally, Iruka got the hint and looked down.

"You have all your belongings in a small fanny pack?!" Iruka asked, horrified.

Nodding, Kabuto rolled his eyes and sauntered off behind Orochimaru who was currently scratching at the door, trying to gain entrance.

"Don't worry about them, Iruka," Kakashi said as he placed a hand on his shoulder, "Just stick with the normal people, and you'll be fine."

Smiling at him, Iruka made his way toward the mansion. Just as Kakashi was about to follow, a voice rang out from behind him. "So, Kakashi," the voice chimed, "Here we are, two rivals in another competition. What we compete for this time, however, is the right to be called the Ultimate Pickup Ninja. I can understand if the pressure is far too great for you. I'll be there to let you cry on my shoulder as soon as you find out how much you will not succeed at these challenges! Haha!!"

"Oi, Gai," Kakashi murmured turning around, "Can we not do this now, please?"

Laughing, Gai was about to say something else when another voiced boomed, "Kakashi! It's been far too long! This time, here in this place, I will triumph. You're not going to last the day, Kakashi!"

"Oi, Zabuza," Kakashi murmured again. This time, however, he turned from both Gai and Zabuza and left for the mansion. "How dare you ignore me Kakashi! I have –" But Zabuza was cut short with a shrill, "What!!"

Facing the source of the sound, Zabuza noticed a very angry man dressed in an interesting tight, green, spandex suit was currently approaching him. Shaking his fist in his face, Gai began, "I'm sorry, but I'm the only one allowed to challenge Kakashi. You'll just have to find someone else to be rivals with, Bucko!"

"How dare you! And who do you think you are? My rivalry with Kakashi is much greater than yours could ever be!"

"Ah! I never!" And with that, Gai slapped Zabuza across the face. Then Zabuza, taken aback, slapped Gai across the face. And so on and so forth.

Suddenly, both men were thrown back from each other. "Ugh! That was getting so annoying! Fight each other like real men, if you're even gonna fight at all!" Holding his head in pain but curious as to whom the voice belonged to, Gai opened his eyes to see Jiraiya looking aimlessly around the surroundings. "So sorry, Jiraiya," Gai said standing up.

"Yeah, whatever," Jiraiya answered still scooping out the landscape, "Where are all the women?!" Defeated, Jiraiya made his way toward the mansion while muttering, "Maybe the girls are in there or . . . something."

When all seven men were standing patiently at the door, a click alerted to them that it was opened. Orochimaru jumped in first and giddily proclaimed that he got the top bunk. "Hey," Kakashi said to no one in particular as they entered, "Wasn't there eight of us?"

"You are so right, Kakashi!" Gai exclaimed looking madly about them.

"I think it was Itachi, wasn't it?" Iruka asked, also looking.

"Yeah," Kakashi answered him.

"I'm right here, idiots," Itachi replied from his already sitting position on the couch.

"Hey! How'd you get in here, hmm?" Gai asked drawing dangerously close to Itachi.

Looking around, Itachi sighed deeply, pointed to himself, and said, "Ninja." Everyone must have then understood because they all looked down in shame. Except for Orochimaru, that is, who was currently decorating his bed with frilly pillows and various posters.

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"Naruto, why you'd drag me over to your house again?" Sasuke asked as he kicked off his shoes in the entrance to Naruto's home.

"Because you really gotta see this, Sasuke!"

"Why couldn't you just tell me over the phone?"

"You wouldn't have believed me! I barely believe me myself!! It's way too creepy."

Sighing, Sasuke followed Naruto into his room and sat down on his bed, "Ok, well, show me then."

Nodding, Naruto flipped the T.V. back on. "You're not gonna believe this," Naruto said quietly taking a seat beside Sasuke.

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Gai Camera:

I already don't trust that Itachi boy. He should've just waited like the rest of us! And what's with that Zabuza guy?! Seriously, who does he think he is?!?! Saying his rivalry with Kakashi is greater than mine! I beg to differ, fiend! Oh well, he'll realize soon enough that Kakashi and I have had a rivalry that has raged over years with the passionate fire of competition!

Oh yes! I would like to say "Hello!" to my dear students! How are you all? Studying hard, I'm sure! Make sure you go to bed at proper times! (Thumbs up/wink)

Zabuza Camera:

That loser Gai! To think that he actually believes he's worth anything to anybody. Oh well, once he sees how great the rivalry I have with Kakashi is, he'll go crawling home with his tail between his legs. And another thing, who dresses like that?! Seriously. Tight green! Doesn't leave much to be desired. I hope Mystery tells him to put it away or something.

Jiraiya Camera:

WOMEN! Where are they all?! I thought this was a show on picking up chicks! So, like, you'd think there would be some wondering around somewhere! I'm gonna have a word with that Mystery guy and demand he at least let one woman in the house!

Orochimaru:

Ohhhhhh! There are so many yummy contestants in this house! I'm getting so giddy! But I digress, I came here to woo women, and woo women I shall. Of course, if I happen to leave here with a couple of phone numbers from the contestants, I won't be cryin'.

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Just as the men are getting situated, the Mystery Phone rings. Itachi picks it up and says nothing. "Are you boys ready for your first task?" the voice of Mystery questions.

"No," is all that Itachi says and hangs up the phone.

"Who was that?" Iruka asks.

"I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if we were ready."

Before anyone could say anything, the phone rings again. This time, however, Kabuto picks up. "Hello," he says into the receiver.

"Um, who just hung up on me?"

"I don't know, but what do you want? You're wasting my precious time that I could be spending with Lord Orochimaru."

"Well, are you ready for your first task?"

"Hold on, let me ask," Kabuto said lowering the phone from his ear, "Are you guys ready for the first task?"

All the men but Itachi nod, so Kabuto puts the phone back to his ear and says, "Yeah, I guess so."

"Good. A bus will be there to pick you up shortly. Get ready."

After Kabuto hung up the phone, he alerted everyone of what was going down. Finding their respective rooms and getting situated, the men wait for the "Mytery Mobile" or whatever. The "Mystery Mobile" comment was uttered by Zabuza as he started unpacking.

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Itachi Camera:

He asked if I was ready and I told him the truth. It shouldn't all be off of his schedule and how he wants to do things. Good God, let a man get situated or something.

Anyway, I noticed that one of the men in the house, the one with large rectangular eyebrows, keeps glaring at me. It's not my fault he's so stupid he couldn't figure out how to get in. Let it die, idiot.

Iruka Camera:

I'm really excited for the first task. Of course, all the other men in the house seem perfectly calm, but I wouldn't be surprised if even they learned a thing or two.

There seems to be a lot of animosity in the house. I hope I don't get caught up in any of that. And Orochimaru keeps eyeing everyone. I don't know if I'm the only one who notices, but it's really starting to freak me out.

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Finally, the bus shows up and all the men pile on. Orochimaru is seen clapping his hands wildly as Kabuto looks on in amusement. Kakashi is calmly sitting in his chair. He would be reading, but the light is far too dim. He may be sulking. Iruka is sitting patiently excited, while Gai is checking his reflection in the mirror. Zabuza is sitting up at the front asking the bus driver idiotic questions, and Jiraiya is staring out the bus looking for any sign of a female. Seeing one, he runs all the way to the back of the bus and smashes his face up against the window to get a better look. Itachi, on the other hand, was almost crushed by Jiraiya, considering he was sitting in the back seat, and is currently looking for another place to sit where he won't have to fear for his life.

No one knows where they are going. And, just when they reached their destination, it goes to a commercial.

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"Oh. My. God," Sasuke gasped in shock.

"That's exactly what I said!" Naruto said looking at Sasuke, "Isn't this horrifying?"

All Sasuke could do is look over at Naruto and nod his head.

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"GAI SENSEI! I had no idea!!" Lee screamed from his position on the couch.

Neji and Tenten could only stare in astonishment at the television screen. Who knew that their sensei would actually go on a stupid reality show. About picking up women, no less.

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Tsunade sat staring at the screen in shock. "That creepy pervert," she said slamming her tea down and breaking the cup. "Jiraiya's such an idiot. And Orochimaru too. What could they be thinking?" Angry, she tried to gain enough effort to shut off the abomination, but she just couldn't do it. Chuckling to herself, she put the remote back down and whispered, "Let's see how big of asses they can make out of themselves."

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End of Chapter 1

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A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! In the next chapter, the men will finally get to meet Mystery and his two wing men. And after having the men talk about themselves for a bit, they will be released into a bar so that Mystery can monitor how much they really know about wooing a woman! Exciting, I know! Reviews are very appreciated! Thank you again!!