Title: Lost Purpose (Pt 1/2)
Author: unwinding fantasy (formerly Aqua Phoenix1)
Disclaimer: Don't own The Matrix.
Rating: K+ (slashy undertones abound.)
Pairing: Smith x Neo


Do you know what it's like for me, Mister Anderson? Do you know how it feels to have no purpose? I do. I have concluded that I do not like it.

Ever since I began functioning again my every thought has been plagued by you. Your apathetic face, your machine calm voice, the elegance and beauty you displayed during our final duel, these are the images that flicker through my mind's eye, a morbid slideshow. It's maddening, not because I am what you call jealous, not because I am "suffering a bruised ego," but because of the fact that these qualities rightfully belong to me. I am the perfect program, you are the flawed human. I feel that when you first destroyed me you took away more than my purpose. You stole my essence. It amazes me how by the end we had almost switched places entirely. I had become completely erratic. Unstable. At least in "death" I have regained some of my former composure. Still, it won't be long until… this place is enough to drive anyone to insanity.

I hate it here, wherever "here" is. Another prison. This place, it's too… perfect. And everything is so sterile, bleak, monotonous. White. Do you find it odd that a machine, based on methodical calculations, finds this place disturbingly flawless, that a creature destined for rationality and a faultless world hates this place even more than the unbalanced equation that is the Matrix? I don't think you do -- you know me too well.

It is also maddening simply to exist because that means you are also alive. You must be, for as you well know we are two parts of an equation and one cannot exist without the other -- I can say that now. You should be here struggling against destiny, fighting with me. It's our purpose. An empty purpose perhaps, but a purpose nonetheless and anything is better than the feeling of uselessness, the feeling of loss that came when my purpose was finally fulfilled. I had nothing left. I thought there wasn't anything worse, in the Matrix or any other world, than the frustration that came with my incompetence, my inability to beat you. I was wrong.

I have long since come to terms with these sensations I have been experiencing, the feelings you describe as "emotions." Although I am not entirely sure that I have fully grasped their meaning, their purpose, I think I am beginning to understand. My emotions serve me, as you undoubtedly have guessed. I have learnt not to suppress them but to embrace them. I am at least grateful to you for this.

But I am also discovering that not all of these emotions are helpful. In actuality, many of them are mere nuisances that despite my sincerest wishes will not go away. The thing that… scares… me is that I can identify these as regret, sorrow, anxiety and the like. Words I had no previous knowledge of other than a dictionary definition are starting to make sense and I am finally beginning to comprehend the magnitude of them. I think I am becoming more human, at least in my thinking. I am not sure if I like it, but I shouldn't care. I am already a virus.

But know this Mister Anderson: I refuse to beg. I will never grovel at anyone's feet, man or machine. I can only hope that the dismal emotion "pity" will take root and you will find me, if only to put me out of my misery… although I will not surrender. I will never cease fighting.

But then, I didn't need to tell you that.