Lashana and Telca own only themselves, their ideas and the dust bunnies under their beds.

What could have been

I stare at my reflection in the shimmering liquid and wonder why I'm here. Not here, 'the universe' here, but here, in this place, in the Palace. Really, I have nothing to offer. I can't even compare to some of the others here, some of them could kill me with very little effort. I've got no special powers, no real talents. Why am I here?

My reflection almost mocks me as I raise a hand to my cheek, resisting the sudden urge to sink my nails into my skin and tear at myself, until I'm unrecognisable, until I no longer have to look at myself every day and wonder why I bother, why I keep going.

No, that's not true. I know why. Her. It would hurt her so badly if I were to do anything. Both of them. Even though they try to hide it sometimes, both Lashana and Telca are very close to the Harem. What affects one of us affects us all. But I'm good at hiding this, this pain that churns inside me. None of them have noticed yet. I wonder if they ever will. But since the only reason that I hold back is the fear that she finds out, if the others realise it and tell her, what reason will I have to stop myself?

I wish I could say that I've changed since I've been here. I know the others have. Blackwargreymon and Remy especially. They don't know how lucky they are to have those two women as their own. Neither of them have noticed when I glance at her longingly, wishing that it was me that she was snuggling up against. But then again, I'm not the only one who does so. I've seen some of the others staring at her, the familiar far away look in their eyes telling me that they're seeing themselves giving her that kiss, or making her laugh. They have a better chance at making those daydreams come true than I do.

I know the others wonder why I do this, why I keep to myself, standing in the corner and watching things from a distance, wishing that it was her that would come and pull me out of this self-destructive course I'm on. When she died, I came so close to ending it all. But somehow, surpassing all the odds in the Universe, she came back. And she went back to him.... and I went back to daydreaming and wishing on what could have been.

I know that she'd have never picked me. Hell, there are days where I wonder if she even knows I'm alive, but then she laughs at something, and her eyes light up and she just happens to glance my way and smile, and then I remember why I stay here.

This woman whose anger can out-burn the sun, and whose friendship and love that everyone cherishes, the one that has already given her heart to another, the woman that I can't imagine living without. Hair like fire, eyes like amethysts. A soul that shines as pure as the purest diamond, something that I can only admire from a distance, and pray that the Cajun keeps her safe and happy for all time.

I've been staring too long, she's seen me. I wonder if she'll be mad.

Feigning calm, I lift the mug of coffee to my lips and take a drink, raising my eyes to her when she walks over to me and frowns, the expression marring her lovely features. I've made her worry, I should have stayed away, let her have her happiness.

"Zelgadis? Hey, are you alright?"

As long as I have you as a friend, yes, I'll be fine. I'll just be sitting here, dwelling on what could have been.