Hi

So this was an idea that had been playing around in my head for a while, but I never thought I would/could actually write. I didn't think that writing a depression style like this would be my thing, but it has happened somehow. It does sound like this chapter could remain a one-shot, but it will have continuing chapters, your choice whether you would want to read on or leave it at the one chapter. Set probably post season 4 time if it had to be anywhere, though Arthur and Gwen are not in a relationship/ married. Reason why is below.

This will eventually turn into Merthur, but it is going to take a good load of chapters to get that far, so for those who dislike Merthur feel free to read up to when Merthur starts coming into play. (I have many chapters roughly written and it looks like Merthur starts to make appearances in chapter 8). I may consider doing a separate nonslash story continue, see how I feel.

Whether you choose to continue to slash or not this story will contain strong Merthur bromance. Can't help that :P

In summary, however much you decide to read, hope you like it.

Extra note (not relavent to this story) : For those waiting for my other story (the Oracle) to update, it isn't being ignored, I'm just having a small block with it's editing. It'll return soon.

Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin

Warning: Themes of depression/ suicide


I should be happy. He's actually done it. He's finally lifted the ban on magic. Those with magic are free. I should be celebrating. But I can't. The freedom of magic only applies to those who in his mind practice good magic. I'm not one of them. I'm the traitor, the liar, the back stabber. The banished warlock with the threat of death over their head should they try to return. This lift on the ban doesn't apply to me. Magic may be free but I am not.

I know that I am being slightly selfish in not being completely happy for others with magic, but do I not have the right to be? I protected him, I protected all of them, I risked my life over and over again to make sure that he survived, to give Albion the chance to be created. Does that not give me the right to enjoy the rewards? Apparently not. My destiny was to help the Once and Future King create Albion, and it seems that he will do so, but he doesn't need me anymore. I've done my job but I will gain nothing from it.

I have no one. I'm alone. I can't talk to anyone. Who would want me anyway? I've done nothing but lie to everyone I care about from the day I've met them. Lied to him for 4 years. No wonder he hates me now. I can't blame him. I would probably hate me too. I had Gaius, but I can't talk to him anymore. I haven't spoken to him since I was banished six months ago. I can't go back to my mother, she's safer if I don't go to her. They are all probably safer without me I suppose. I just bring trouble and pain.

I'm nothing. A freak even amongst those with magic. A bastard child who doesn't deserve happiness. All I've done is cause trouble. Led to the deaths of so many innocent people. Caused Morgana to turn against Camelot, to hate us all. Would thing's have been different if she hadn't changed? No. Probably not. Her actions did not stop my lying, did not stop me spending everyday using magic.

I have nowhere to go. I have wandered around for six months, hoping for something. What, I don't know. Maybe the small hope that he changes his mind? That he forgives me? Huh. Why would that happen? He's had one too many personal attacks and betrayals related to magic to forgive me. I've watched and tried to help him when each of these betrayals happens, but knowing each time that I'm doing the exact same as them. Hiding the truth about myself. But I would never hurt him. I would never hurt any of them.

I never wanted this. I never asked for it. I didn't want to live a lie. I didn't ask to be born with magic. To be given this destiny. But I went with it, in the hopes that I could find something that made it all worth it. And I did, for a time, in Camelot. With him. But that was short lived. Now there's nothing.

I give up. I have no reason to live on this godforsaken earth anymore. Magic is free, Camelot is prospering. I can't take it anymore. The hope I have had all my life that I might one day be free is shattered. I can never seem to be happy for long. Every time I do find something it is snatched away from me. Will, Freya, my father, Lancelot ... and now everything I had in Camelot. No one needs me anymore, no one will miss me, no one will even notice I'm gone. Emrys has done his job and now he will vanish.

I look at Camelot in the distance. The place that I once called home. The place where I thought I might finally belong. I then stare down at the knife in my hand. Three days since magic became free. Six months since I was banished. My whole life spent in a mix of fear and hope. And it has all come down to this.