DISCLAIMER: I don't own Ranma ½ or any other property which might show up. What I do own is the idea for this story it's self. I make no money writing this, nor do I desire fame. It's purely for my own entertainment. If others enjoy this story too, that's all I could ask for.
Warning: This story is an Alternate Timeline. There will be out of character interactions. If everyone stayed in character, events would never have deviated from cannon. The story may take several serious and/or dark turns at times. I find that writing pure humor is hard. It will also be written in first person from Ranma's perspective. For event timing purposes this story takes place before the Herb incident.
Ranma's Honor
by FaerieKnight197
There are a lot of people who think I'm stupid. It's not a surprise, really. After all I do hide my intelligence. There's reasons for that though. If my father knew I could do things other then just marital arts he'd beat me. Heck, the few times he did catch me reading he burned the book in our camp fire, then beat me. To him if it's not sleep, food, or martial arts then it's a useless distraction.
The deception actually does serve another purpose though. I get into many life and death fights. And it's easier to handle them if people don't realize just what all I can do. So I pretend to sleep in class, and affect a country bumpkin accent the majority of time. Actually, pretending to sleep is kind of restful. And it's not like I've actually needed much sleep since China.
Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to introduce myself. Names Ranma Saotome, heir of the Saotome branch of Anything Goes martial arts school and quite possibly a grand master of said style. Or at least I would be if the school's current grandmaster wasn't a perverted gnome that cares only about stealing panties.
My skills surpassed both the current self claimed masters of my style a while ago. Not to mention I can hold my own against the current grandmaster. The pervert keeps calling me his heir and student, but all the idiot ever does is steel panties and cause trouble. Leaving it up to me to deal with it all due to my father and his friend being lazy cowards.
I suppose I should mention some things about my life. You know, before I start talking about the serious stuff. To begin with, I'm seventeen years old, I think. Not entirely sure really since I've only celebrated one birthday that I can remember. I'm a guy, or at least I am half the time. Before you call the cops, hear me out. Please?
You see, Father took me to this place in China that was suppose to be a 'legendary' training ground. The problem is that he can't speak or read Chinese. Yeah, that's a huge problem. Why is it a problem? Cause if he could then maybe he'd have realized it wasn't a 'legendary' training ground but a 'cursed' training ground. The pamphlet was detailing places to avoid at all costs.
Naturally we started sparring on the bamboo poles sticking out of various springs when we reached the training ground. And naturally we found out the hard way why no one uses that spot anymore. You see, something has drowned in each of the pools. And anyone who falls in a pool without drowning... Well, they take the form (and sometimes personality) of whatever last drowned there.
The curses are reversible with hot water, but only temporarily. Next time you get hit with cold water you're cursed again. That, and you become a water magnet. It's a little known fact, but the water magnet aspect isn't completely unavoidable. And I'm fairly sure the cursed springs are sentient. They have to be for the curses to be as appropriate as they are.
What do I mean? Well, father's always been kind of lazy. Especially if it doesn't have to do with marital arts. Even when martial arts are involved he tries to find the easiest (and often stupidest) shortcut. Take how he trained my speed and endurance for example. He tied steaks to me, then had me carry a couch (as he sat on it) while being chased by wolves.
That's tame compared to some of the idiotic stunts he's pulled. Damn effective methods though, if you survive them. Personally, I'd never even think of using them on anyone else. So yeah, he's lazy. And fat. So what cursed pool did he fall into? The spring of drowned panda. Feel free to laugh. I do. I laugh about it quite often.
Me, I'd been raised to be a 'man among men'. Whatever that means. Father's views on women are... less then noble. In his mind girls are weak, useless, and a distraction. Only good for two things: making babies and cooking. Since he's the only family I'd known, it should be obvious that I'd gained some of his views.
Mind you, I have long known he was wrong about many things. But he was my only role model. That, and the beatings if I did anything that wasn't 'manly'. Still not entirely sure what the word is suppose to mean either. So I use to be pretty screwed up in the head. Not just in the head either. He'd over the years managed to purge me of all female chi.
That's actually a bad thing you know. Yin and Yang and all that. Without a enough female chi, a male will go insane. The imbalance could even prove fatal if it gets too bad. And he'd purged me of ALL female chi. If it hadn't been for my curse, I'd probably never have seen my seventeenth birthday. Of course I didn't know that at the time. All I knew was the stupid panda had robbed me of my manhood.
The training trip was in fact a horrible thing. But you know what? If I could go back and avoid it, I'm not sure if I would. The training trip is what made me the, er, person I am today. Okay, so I can be a tad arrogant at times. And I'm somewhat uncivilized I guess. And I have a tendency to stick my foot in my mouth when annoyed. We all have our problems. At least those are things I can work on.
What else is there? Oh yeah, the fiances. Yes, as in more then one. I didn't discover about any of them until we settled in Nerima, Japan. Of course. I'm not entirely sure how many there are. At last count Nabiki Tendo (sister to one fiance) had managed to discover at least eighteen. There's probably more too. It turns out father's favorate scam was to sell my hand in marriage for food, money, or whatever he could get. Then steal me back in the night and run off. Once he sold me for a bowl of rice, two pickles, and a fish.
Of the official ones, the most persistent are Ukyo and Akane Tendo. Then there's Xan Pu, or Shampoo as everyone calls her. She's not exactly a fiance. According to her, she's my wife just because I accidentally knocked her out. Her grandmother (or something) seems to partly agree. To Koh Lon I'm almost married to Xan. All that Xan needs to do to seal the deal would be to actually sleep with me.
No, not just sleep next to me. I refer to the 'beast with two backs'. The 'horizontal tango'. Or what ever phrase you want to use. It all boils down to one thing: If the girl ever actually managed to take my virginity then her grandmother would be dragging me back to China faster then you can blink. That would be because the 'marriage' was consummated.
Then there's Kodachi Kuno. Man she scares me. That girl is certifiably insane. Probably criminally insane. Because I caught her mid-fall once, Kodachi has become convinced she loves me. And to show her love, she's constantly trying to poison me, paralyze me, kidnap me, and/or rape me. Oh, and she wants to kill my female form to 'free' my male form from my own influence. The rest of that loon's family aren't much better.
Her brother is the opposite. Tatawaki Kuno wants to kill my male form which he thinks is a sorcerer. He is firmly convinced that if he does that, my female form will suddenly realize I'm in love with him. He's also convinced that Akane loves him and my male form has cast a 'foul spell' to keep her away. Never mind that he'd been trying for a year to win her love before I showed up, and failing horribly.
About Akane, let's see here. I once loved her. I think. The problem is she has absolutely no trust in me. At the drop of the hat she makes wild assumptions (which are frequently an entire continent away from the truth). Based on these assumptions she then hits me with whatever blunt object is closest at hand. Hard. Did I mention she's freakishly strong? She also likes to claim the title of 'martial artist'. Heh, that's a joke if ever I heard one.
If she was a martial artist, Akane would practice her kata at least once a day. Instead all she does is a morning jog and breaking bricks. I try to spar with her at least once a week. But she gets mad at me for not taking her seriously. I can't take her seriously. Akane doesn't take her training seriously, making it impossible to take her skills seriously.
She needs to improve form, but refuses to practice form. She needs to improve speed, but only trains strength. She has a good amount of talent, but no self control. Yet she thinks she's the 'best' martial artist in the area. She's not, Akane is at most the weakest 'high powered' martial artist in the area. I've seen an ice skating pair who were more skilled then her. The school's gymnastic team has more skill. Which is very sad.
Ukyo, ah there's someone I can hang out with. The thing about her is that I don't want to marry Ukyo. Never did really. In fact I didn't even know she was a girl until last year. Not until she finally tracked me down and tried to cook me on a giant boxing ring sized grill mid-fight. She's a chief and a martial artist. Really weird style too. Heck, her weapons are a giant combat spatula and throwing spatulas. Not the weirdest style I've seen, but one of them.
Ukyo is more like a sister to me then girlfriend. And it'd feel damn creepy to marry a sister. Not that she seems to understand that. All Ukyo can seem to grasp is her dream of me working beside her in the restaurant. Then again, it seems as if no one who professes to care about me can see past their dreams and delusions.
I tell you, it feels kind of weird having you following me around in my head like this. Who are you anyway? And why me? What, you want to know where I'm going? I guess there's no harm in telling you. I'm heading to talk with my mother. I've got some questions about honor. Honor's the only thing I've ever really owned. But anymore, I'm starting to question just what is honor.
So here I am, walking along the sidewalk. Yeah, that's unusual right there. Why? Well, I normally roof hop or walk along the top of the fence. You've never seen roof hopping huh? That's a shame. But I'm not in the mood today. Not after this morning's fight with Ryoga. Who's Ryoga? Oh, I guess I forgot to mention him. Don't worry, you'll probably find out sooner then I'd like.
As I stroll along I reach into my shirt and pull out a data pad. It was a gift from some red haired genius kid five years ago. I let her run a few tests in her strange lab and gave a demonstration or two. She made this for me. It's damn convenient. Stores all sorts of books on interesting subjects. Best of all it's stored in a subspace pocket, whatever those are. I'm not entirely sure myself. But it keeps father from stealing it.
Currently I'm reading the book of five rings. I've tried reading some of the more scientific books, but most make little sense to me. Not to mention the words look strange. I'm not entirely sure how I can even read some of them. They clearly aren't in Japanese, yet they are easy to understand. Maybe not grasp, but understand.
Then something hits me. The titles of one of the books next to this one in the listing, I've seen it before. Joketsuzoku book of laws, fifth printing. Before I'd not gotten a chance to look at the law. Mostly due to the act of not being able to read the language. So after bookmarking where I am in the current one, I decide to check out that book of laws.
It took a bit of looking, but I've found the section. This time I was able to actually read it. Should an outsider woman defeat a warrior of Joketsuzoku and in doing so tarnish said warrior's honor the kiss of death may be given. The only exceptions are trials of skill and formal challenge fights. If the kiss of death is given, the outsider is to be hunted to the ends of the earth and slain. The hunt may take no longer then three years and three months to complete.
This alone was interesting. Since the kiss was given as a direct result of me winning that year's tournament, wouldn't that mean it was a formal challenge? In which case, according to their own laws the kiss of death was invalid. Or so it appeared. What else does it say? Specifically, what does it say about the kiss of marriage? I continue reading. A little bit later I find the required entry.
Should a male wish to marry a warrior, the male must issue a formal marriage challenge and defeat the prospective wife. Only one challenge is allowed to be made to a given warrior by any single male. The challenge fight must be witnessed by no less then five warriors and one elder. Should the male win, they are married, with the kiss of marriage being given to signify the union.
Outsider males who defeat a warrior are considered prospective husbands. To be brought into the tribe the outsider must either preform the local wedding ceremony of the outsider's native land, or win a formal marriage challenge fight following the same laws as tribesmen. The pursuit of an outsider husband may take no longer then two years.
During a husband hunt deception may be used. The use of magic, potions, and mind altering substances immediately nullify the warrior's claim. At this I stop reading and bookmark the page on the spot. Then I return the datapad to it's storage. Looks like it was time to drop the act. Plus, I'm here. My feet shift nervously as I ring the doorbell.
Hey! Quit laughing! You'd better hope I don't find out who you are, or where you are. This is serious! If things go sour today, I might be dead tomorrow evening! The door opens slowly Now she is standing there. Stomach is doing triple back flips inside me. A hard swallow, then I reach behind my neck and scratch.
"Hi mom, can we talk a few minutes?"
… OUCH! This might have been a mistake. That was an incredibly high pitched squeal. My wince isn't unnoticed either. The woman is wearing a very traditional komono and has a sword at her waist. Her hair is a duller crimson then my own female form's hair. Guess that's where I got that from. She leads me into the dining area and we both sit.
"Mom," I start off, "How do you define a 'man among men'?"
She blinks at my sudden question, her fingers moving to the Saotome honor blade's hilt momentarily. "It means you must be manly in all things."
That is... vague. It takes a lot of effort not to fall face first into the table."Oh really, and how do you define 'manly'? Is it 'manly' for instance to tie a ten year old to a freight train that's about to start moving? Or maybe it's 'manly' to sell a minor's hand in marriage multiple times even if you already have an arranged marriage set up but only one child? So tell me, what do you think is 'manly'?"
Mother stands there blinking for a moment. I hadn't meant to lay into her like that. Too late now to take the words back though. So I continue. "I found Father's copy of the contract. And the terms are rather vague. Just what does 'man among men' mean to you? You say 'be manly in all things', so what do you consider 'manly'? If Father was suppose to teach me how to be 'manly', I have to wonder what it means. After all, he's fat, lazy, a thief, and a con-man.
"What about curses? Is it 'manly to be cursed? What about if it happened because a stupid panda couldn't be bothered to learn the local language?" At this point she finally starts to recover.
"What do you mean 'cursed'?" Mom asks me finally.
I'm not sure if she registered my other questions. Sigh, I may as well demonstrate. No matter what I'm not going to kill myself because of the curse. I'd rather go ronin then do that. Heck, going ronin might actually solve most of my problems with honor. I'm still unsure about that.
"Please, can you get a glass of cold water and a glass of warm water?"\
While I wait for her I decide to continue reviewing the laws of Joketsuzoku. The more I read, the more I wonder when the last time any of them actually read their laws was. According to the copyright notice the fifth printing was a hundred years ago. And it's the most recent one. That makes me wonder just how I have a copy of this fabled book. Maybe I should compare my copy to the one Nabiki kept (read stole).
I'm still reading when she returns with the requested water. I put away the datapad for the moment and turn to her. After the usual explanation I pour the cold water on my head. This triggers the change. Now that I'm shorter and have different dimensions I have to adjust my pants and shirt. Heh, and everyone thinks I don't wear a bra like this due to 'lack of feminine modesty'. Don't need one actually. This shirt has the required support built in. While still being comfortable as a male.
Her expression is priceless. That jaw dropped expression, I'm not sure if I'll ever find it old hat. Say, ready to tell me who you are yet? No? Dang. Seriously, why is my life so interesting? Whoops, shock's worn off. And she's drawing that damn katana. Guess I'd better be ready to dodge. Here it goes, she's starting to swing the blade clumsily.
As she attempts to behead me I'm leaning back and under the arc. She's incoherent, I think. It's either that or I just can't make out the words she's screeching. I spend the next thirty minutes dodging her. Finally my mother is exhausted enough to drop her sword. Now maybe she'll listen.
"You must do the honorable thing," She tells me between breaths.
"And I will mom, but is my dying really the 'honorable' thing? From what I've learned about you, you're idea of 'manly' is to sleep with as many girls as possible. Everyone I've talked to says you obsess over grandchildren. So explain to me, just what is honor? And while at it, why are you trying to kill me?"
She doesn't answer. Doesn't have to either. There's an old scroll hanging on the wall behind her. It's framed, but looks removable. At the bottom I see a set of hand prints, and Pop's signiture. I take down the scroll and read it over. By the time I'm done my body is trembling. That. Stupid. IDIOT! He didn't even have the full contract with him. Or if he had, the stupid panda had probably used most of it as fire kindling years ago.
I'm not sure which is worse. Pops for coming up with the contract, or her for agreeing to it. Either way it seems she's going to hold me to an agreement I had no way of knowing about. You're laughing at me, aren't you? Really wish you'd tell me who the heck you are. Even a name would be nice. 'Hey you' is getting kind of old, wouldn't you say?
"This is why you're trying to kill me? You honestly expect me to know the terms of a contract I 'signed' with finger paint when I couldn't even read? I didn't learn to read until I was ten, I think. Pops claims reading is a 'useless distraction'. I didn't even know there might be a contract until last week."
That did it. I think she's finally starting to get it through her head. As the final nail in her delusion's coffin I toss her Pop's copy of the contract. "This is what I found in Pop's pack. And you expect me to slit my belly because of it?"
The contract I knew about is rather simple. It is typed on an old machine I think and reads I Genma Saotome (note that his name is barely legible) pledge to raise my son Ranma to be a Man Among Men. If at the end of a ten year training journey he is found wanting by Nodoka Saotome then I and my son shall commit Seppuku.
Signed
Genma Saotome
(again, the name here is barely legible)
Ranma Saotome
(Here is another signature, clearly made by the same person who signed as Genma)
"Obviously you know nothing of honor. It was a mistake coming here. Expect a visit from a lawyer soon."
As I leave I take her copy of the seppuku pledge with me. It'll make great evidence for when I file for emancipation. If I want to find my own honor, it looks like I'll have to do it without any guidance. You're laughing at me again, aren't you? You are, I can tell. This is serious. Just go away already, I don't need you hanging out in my head all the time.
