A/N: This is the first in a series of shorts which I like to call the Crazy Crossover Chronicles.

Crossover of Doctor Who, Sherlock, Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter and Jeeves and Wooster. I don't think there are many people out there who watch/read ALL of these, but it's worth a try.

Basically, the 10th Doctor, Rose, Martha, Donna, the Master, Sherlock, John, Moriarty, Holly, Artemis, Butler, Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Snape, Jeeves and Wooster are all travelling around in the TARDIS. I've only done two so far, including this one, so the updates will be VERY slow. Ahem. Anyway, long A/N is long.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3

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On the whole, the Doctor thought, he was pretty good at coping when things got difficult.

"Hey! Let us out of here or I'll personally bash you around the head, spaceman!"

Although not always…

"Now Donna, it's hardly fair for you to do that!"

Was that the Master, defending him?

"Why not!"

"Because that's my job, you stupid ape!"

The Doctor sighed.

"Will you two SHUT UP, I am trying to THINK!" came another voice from behind the door.

"Ohh, sorreee, o almighty detective Holmes, I didn't realise we were disturbing you!"

"If you don't shut up with your blasted sarcasm I'm going to -"

Thankfully, they never heard what Snape was going to do, because at that moment there was a sound of breaking glass and a soft thud.

"What was that? Who did that? What happened, is everyone okay?" yelled the Doctor through the door.

"That was the Master, he bashed Snape over the head with a bottle of…"

There was a tinkling noise as Sherlock picked around in the broken glass for the label.

"…1952 New Zealand mulled wine."

"Hey, Master! That was mine, you evil little rat!"

"Ah, Martha Jones, I thought that would be you."

"I was saving it for Christmas!"

Even though the Doctor couldn't see the other Time-Lord, he could tell that the Master was smirking evilly - you don't need to be Sherlock to work that out.

"But miss Jones, I've just rendered our potions master unconscious - surely it must be Christmas!"

"Shut up, I hope you rot in there forever!"

Jeeves coughed lightly. "Much as that would be an amusing prospect, Miss Jones, there are others behind this wall who do not wish to rot in here forever, myself being one of them, so I suggest you help Mr. Holmes here break open the door in whatever way you can."

"She can help by shutting up, and so can you!" Sherlock said testily, continuing work on the larder door lock.

"WHY IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU HAVE A TOP-SECURITY LOCK ON YOUR LARDER DOOR, DOCTOR?" yelled Donna.

"It was to stop the rats!"

"WHAT KIND OF RATS CARE ABOUT PADLOCKS?"

"CLEARLY YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO HYROLIPHUS97, THEY HAVE RATS THERE WITH BRAINS ALMOST AS COMPLEX AS HUMANS - AND NO, SHERLOCK, YOU ARE NOT GIVEN PERMISSION TO DISSECT THEM!" the Doctor yelled back over the deafening noise of the chainsaw - wait, chainsaw?

The Doctor moaned - great, just to top the fact that Jeeves, Snape, Sherlock, Donna and the Master had got stuck in the larder, Snape was knocked out, Donna, Martha and the Master were in full-blown shouting mode, Sherlock was having no luck on the door and Moriarty was being no help at all, someone was playing with the chainsaw. Just great!

"MASTER, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"OH SURE, BLAME IT ON HIM, MARTHA! IF YOU HADN'T STOLEN HIS LASER SCREWDRIVER HE WOULDN'T HAVE STOLEN THE SONIC AND THEY COULD BE OUT OF THERE AND LEAVE ME SOME PEACE!"

"SHUT UP, MORIARTY, I ONLY STOLE IT BECAUSE HE WAS ATTACKING MICKEY WITH IT!"

"Ohhh saving darling Mickey, how romantic…" Moriarty crooned, only to receive a smack in the face from a close-to-exploding Martha Jones.

"That's what happens if you push her too hard." The Master explained through the door "she goes KABOOM. Not literally, of course."

"A pity, really." Sherlock said absent-mindedly. "This wallpaper needs some colour, it's so dull…"

John came in at that moment, with his hands over his ears.

"Oh, you're in there, are you Sherlock?"

"Unfortunately, yes. What is it, John?"

"Nothing, I thought that was you, on the violin."

"Oh goodness, can't you even tell the difference between a chainsaw and a violin?" Sherlock said, sounding scandalised.

"Well it depends on who's playing the violin…" John muttered, stalking off to his room for some peace.

"Who is on the chainsaw?" The Doctor asked, only to have his question answered when Artemis banged open the double doors that lead to the atrium, followed by Butler, who had the chainsaw.

The Irish boy was walking backwards, facing the room he had just come from, and the Doctor just caught the end of a sentence before Butler slammed the doors shut.

"-sorry Holly, didn't know you were in there! We'll move…"

"You're not moving to here!" The Doctor announced over the chainsaw "I've got enough troubles as it is! And what are you doing with the chainsaw in the first place?"

Before Artemis or Butler could answer, there was a wooshing noise as Harry, Ron and the Weasley twins zoomed past on their broomsticks, yelling "GEROMINOOOOOOOooooooooo!"

"I SAID NO FLYING INSIDE THE TARDIS!" the Doctor yelled "DOESN'T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME!"

"Nope"

"Well I know you don't, Master, but the others could -"

For the third time in 10 minutes, whoever was speaking never got to finish their sentence, and this time it was due to a loud *CLICK* as Sherlock finally managed to pick the lock.

"Oh finally!" Donna shouted, and pushed open the door.

Everyone traipsed out of the larder, including the now-conscious-and-very-grumpy Snape, and went to their respective rooms, along with Martha, Butler, Artemis and Moriarty, leaving the Doctor in the kitchen to check if any damage had been done inside the larder.

"Jam, apples, teabags, cereal…" he muttered as he went through the contents.

Then - "Ohhh no!" the Doctor groaned. He sat down weakly at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands, and stayed this way until Rose found him five minutes later.

"What's wrong, Doctor?" she asked, sliding into the chair next to him.

"My bananas!" He cried through his fingers "They squashed my bananas!"