Chapter 1
"Peeta, I'm back! Haymitch sends his love and affection!" I yell into the empty air. Yes so maybe Haymitch was right and my actions were irrational, but what was I supposed to do? Peeta's been keeping secrets lately, and if he really wanted to repair what Snow damaged he has a funny way of showing it.
I look down at the half empty glass bottle of white liquor I swiped from Haymitch, gripped tight in my hands. Why had we fought? Why has Haymitch been the one I seek wisdom and comfort from when it should obviously be Peeta? Peeta, so damaged and changed. My baker, my star-crossed lover, the boy with the bread.
The sound of an animal dying breaks into my thoughts and I look down and find an ugly smashed furry orange face staring up at me. I'm about to threaten it when I remember that this cats ownership and protectiveness has been handed over to me. I kneel down, "Here Buttercup," he hisses softly and then trots toward me. I pick him up and head down the hall into the living space and find myself sitting in front of the fire place stroking the tabby cats head thinking about the early morning.
It wasn't a new nightmare. I was just surprised to be having one. The tribute mutts were after me and Peeta back in the arena. We were running towards the Cornucopia which seemed so close but never got any closer. Any trees around us would start oozing blood until they would be completely covered in it. The blood would find its way to the ground and turn into a wispy thick fog encircling the mutts disintegrating them as it moves in a path with tendrils reaching for me and Peeta. My breath at this point has become labored and Peeta has fallen behind because of his leg. The blood go is getting closer and I hear my name being screamed at me from all directions, in pain, in hisses, in outrage, and in adoration. The Cornucopia is just ahead and I've reached and almost start to climb when I hear a sharp cry from behind. I turn and see Peeta, "They must have their victor." He says. And then the blood fog consumes him and the cannon fires.
I had woken up sweating. Peeta wasn't there and I had realized the loud cannon sound had not just happened in my nightmare. Fear gripped me and after untangling myself from the covers I raced down the steps. The kitchen light was on, and someone was inside it. I walked the rest of the way using my hunter tread and when I reached the doorway I stopped. Peeta was at the kitchen table bent over something completely absorbed. I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorframe.
"Peeta?" I asked softly. Peeta jumps and falls out of his chair knocking it over. He sits on the floor for a moment stunned and I glimpse what he was working on, but immediately my attention is turned back to him.
"Don't do that!" he snaps as he gets up and picks up his chair and slams it down. I'm shocked and jump back. Peeta's anger recedes slightly and he takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Just don't do that."
"I heard a loud bang and you weren't there, what are you doing up so late Peeta?" He kept my gaze then looked back to the table; I could tell now what it was. It was an unfinished basket. Why is he weaving a basket? "Peeta, you need to sleep." Peeta turns back to the basket. I bite my lip and take a step toward him, knowing he's made up his mind he's staying up, and I know I can't go back to sleep, not without him. "Peeta?" He's started weaving again but he grunts acknowledgment. "Do you want me to stay?" I pause he says nothing. "Do you want me to go?" Nothing. "Because I don't want to." I whisper remembering the nightmare.
"Nothing's holding you here Katniss, if you want to leave, leave." My head snaps up.
"What?"
"You obviously don't want to be here, so go. Go back to bed." What? Of course I want to be here!
"I can't sleep. I think I'll just go for a walk, or see if Haymitch needs any more liquor."
Peeta stops for a second and looks up with a small smile. "Give my best to Haymitch."
"I will." I say crestfallen and before anything else can happen I turn on my heels and run down the hall and rush out the door into the crisp night air desperate to get out. My first instinct is to head to the woods, but that would mean going by the meadow and it's still not recovered from being dug up and used as the grave for the dead of District 12 so at night it would be eerily unbearable. So the woods were out. I told Peeta I'd go check on Haymitch, but he's probably to drunk or passed out to acknowledge anything. I slow at the end of the victor village's road and look back at the house. I can see the glow of the kitchen light. What just happened? Something tells me some of that Peeta, was Hijacked Peeta. Suddenly I realize I'm moving again, towards Haymitch's. I don't know what I expect to find there, but I here I am, on his porch knocking and yelling his name. Then I wait and after a little while I hear stumbling and cursing and then the door opens and I find myself staring at a drunk, probably was asleep, bloodshot eyed, scowling, untidy Haymitch, bottle in hand.
"Is your goal trying to wake up the whole damn District sweetheart?" he snaps taking a swig and scowling.
"No, just you, or were you not sleeping?" I say noting the bottle.
"I was." He says defensively. "What do you want sweetheart?"
"Peeta sends his love and affection." I say.
"Ah, Peeta, I always loved that boy." Drinks. "Is that all."
"I was out and I came to see if you needed more liquor." Haymitch stops and looks at me. Even in his drunken state I know he sees through me.
"No, I don't." He says, then as an afterthought. "You should be home in bed Katniss." I shake my head and a cold breeze nips at my bare skin causing me to shiver involuntary. Haymitch rolls his eyes and carefully steps back so as not to fall. "Get in." I hesitate. Haymitch tips the bottle up and stands and waits. I scowl at him and stomp past him into the dim littered hall. Haymitch slams the door behind me and stumbles past me into the kitchen. All victor houses are laid out the same, the only thing that makes this one Haymitch's is the mess, which Gale's mother isn't here to clean up anymore. Gale. Who doesn't talk to me, or see me, has cut me from his life. The woods sometimes send me into a crying fit because of him, but that still doesn't stop me from hunting. Often I'd come back from a hunt and find Peeta waiting to comfort me; often I'd find him needing a short game of Real or Not Real.
"Having troubles in paradise sweetheart?" Haymitch asks cutting into my thoughts as he plops down a fresh bottle and pops the top. Mine and Peeta's lives are far from paradise and he knows it and this almost is just enough to make me leave when he looks up apologetically and says quickly. "I am." I'm brought up short. Haymitch? Haymitch in love? Somehow thinking Haymitch has a love life is almost as impossible as Snow coming back from the dead. "Effie left for the Capitol two days ago without a word."
Effie? Effie and Haymitch? Sure Effie's been around a lot lately, but I just thought she was trying to keep Haymitch from drinking himself to death, which I'm sure was her primary intention. He'd been sobering up and we'd known it was her doing, I didn't like it, I always thought Haymitch was in better moods drunk, but I never put two and two together.
Haymitch reached behind him and grabbed a clean looking glass and placed it beside the bottle and poured neatly half the bottle into it, then he just looked at it like he was deciding whether to drink it or not.
"Seriously, shouldn't you be with Peeta?"
"I told him I was going for a walk and to check on you." He looks up.
"That's not an answer sweetheart," he says.
I lock eyes with Haymitch and know if there was anyone left, because sadly he is the only one left, it's him to talk to.
"Peeta and I fought, or at least he kicked me out for the moment. But I think it was the other Peeta because he was really angry for no reason. All I'd ask was what had made that loud noise and what he was doing up so late. Then he took something I said the wrong way Haymitch and told me to leave. He was the other Peeta completely until I mentioned you and for a second he was Peeta again." The whole I talked Haymitch never took a drink and after I finished he didn't say a word. I wondered if he was trying to make sense of what I said like I was. I waited though, but he just sat there. Anger boiled in me and I picked up the bottle and shoved it towards him making it tip and almost spill. He caught as it slid. "Get a drink in your hand you look like a ridiculous idiot without it!" I snap. Haymitch blinks at the bottle in his hand and then picks it up and drinks from it.
"Thanks sweetheart." I start to reach for the glass of already poured white liquor but Haymitch is already dragging it back towards him. "What do you think you're doing sweetheart?" I scowl at him daring him to challenge me and he smiles. "You wanna know my opinion?"
"Not really."
"You're running just like you've always done. Only not sure why you chose to run to the drunk." He takes another drink.
"Give me the glass Haymitch."
"Sorry sweetheart, you can't drink your problems away, look at me, I'm still stuck with you." Even though Haymitch was just joking, it hurt.
"I'm sorry we burden you."
He rolls his eyes. "Katniss, you and Peeta have been through hell and back, one stupid fight should not send you running, it was irrational," he pauses. "Unless there's more?" He asks raising an eyebrow.
I hesitate. Should I tell him about Peeta, about the nightmare, the noise and the basket? Maybe just about Peeta.
"I'm worried about Peeta. I think he's slipping." Haymitch, about to take a drink, lowers the bottle from his lips and sets it down giving his full attention to me.
"Explain yourself Katniss. Slipping how?"
"Haymitch," a lump's formed in my throat and I have to clear it to continue. "I'm finding it harder each time to bring him back from his hijack attacks. Last time I had to use the dart Dr. Aurelius gave me. Haymitch, I'm worried that-I'm worried I won't be able to bring him back next time." I've caught Haymitch off guard opening up to him without him having to drag anything out of me, but he recovers quickly and he comes around the table and despite my protests smothers me in his drunken stench.
"Don't worry Katniss, you and I made a deal remember? As far as I'm concerned that deal isn't over till Peeta's back." And Haymitch continued to hold me and if it wasn't for the smell of white liquor and an unwashed human with the smell of vomit, I could almost imagine myself in my dad's arms, as weird as that seemed. "Go home, talk to Peeta and get some rest sweetheart, we'll talk more tomorrow." Haymitch says softly. Then Haymitch does something Haymitch never does, he kisses the top of my head then releases me, but I am too stunned to move. Haymitch moves back to the table and sits down and looks at me picking up the glass. "The doors down the hall sweetheart." He says snapping me back. And just out of spite I reach out and swipe the bottle off the table just keeping it out of his reach as he tries to snatch it back and dash back down the hall tripping and almost falling twice, making it out the door, hearing Haymitch's call "That one's half empty anyways!" and running straight for home.
Buttercup mews and I look down questioningly. But the cat just sits there so I look above the fireplace at my sleek black bow and quiver of arrows. My Mockingjay weapons. Betee had them sent to me a week ago and I'd come home to find them mounted on the wall by Peeta. It had the three types of arrows still in it, but in a letter Bette sent he said he'd given it some, upgrades. He said in a small compartment on the side are six arrows, the tips filled with the medicine for Peeta. Betee wrote that the quiver's alive now to, so it'll know when I need those arrows; I can also just say 'nightlock.' This makes me weary about ever using those six arrows, because what if it contains not just Peeta's medicine, but liquid nightlock as well?
Buttercup springs out of my lap and I immediately turn and find Peeta. Buttercup hisses and arches his back.
I scramble to my feet. "Peeta?" I ask tentively. He looks strangely pale.
"Yeah Katniss it's me." And I can tell just by the soft gentle tone of his voice it is. He stands there awkwardly and Buttercup continues to hiss like he's never seen him before, because even Buttercup missed the old Peeta.
"Oh shut up you stupid cat, it's Peeta!" I say when Buttercup continues to hiss. He stops and slumps away. I would have run to Peeta and threw my arms around him and never let him go, but I was afraid any quick movement would bring the other Peeta back.
"Drinking's bad for you Katniss." Peeta says noting the bottle in my hand. I look down at it. I had completely forgotten it was there.
"I never drank it." I turn and place it gently on the fireplace. When I turn back Peeta's there.
"Good. One Haymitch is enough." He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. Peeta's natural bakery smell surrounds me and I take a deep breath of it.
"Katniss, you should be asleep, it's late."
"I know, but you weren't there." I say quietly. No need to mention the nightmare of course.
"Katniss, I'm sorry for what I said."
"I know."
"Katniss, let's go to bed, I feel light headed." And that's when I feel the wet sticky mess, under my hand, and feel it drip onto it and Peeta stumbles and slumps and I just catch him before he hits the floor.
"Peeta!" I scream. Because I can see the back of his head now, and it's bleeding.
"Katniss my head hurts." He groans and starts to close his eyes and without thinking I slap his face, hard, and they flitter back open.
"Don't you close those eyes, don't you dare close them!" I tell him fiercely. No wonder my Peeta's back. He's in pain. I have to get help somehow. Buttercup came back when I yelled and he's gone into a hissing fit and won't even come near me and Peeta. I look to the table that holds the phone. Haymitch had his reinstalled after Effie insisted it, but how much would he actually understand? Would he still even be awake? I stretched out and grasped the phone in a shaky bloody hand and I dialed to Haymitch.
"Peeta!" I scream when I notice he's closing his eyes again. Peeta flinches and struggles but opens his eyes.
"What?" Haymitch snaps.
My voice shakes, "Haymitch, it's Peeta."
I don't know how bad I sounded but it was enough not to have to explain.
"I'll be over there in a second." Then the line went dead. I dropped the phone and turned my attention to Peeta. The back of his shirt was completely soaked. How had I not noticed it? Smelled it? Most of it was already dried. Peeta was shivering violently, or was that me shaking? I had to try to stop the blood? I can't leave him, he'll go to sleep for sure, and with a head wound, he might not wake up. Peeta's seen me in my undergarments and unfortunately so has Haymitch and the whole of Panem. So without further thought I take off my shirt and press it to the back of his head and lay him on the ground to put more pressure to it.
What happened? I don't remember seeing blood when I saw Peeta in the kitchen except, yes, I did see it. It was barley there, not even Peeta noticed. But that was before he fell. That means, whatever had made that cannon might somehow be related to this.
"It's cold Katniss." Peeta whispers. I go to the sofa and grab the blanket off of it and come back and lay it on him. His eyes were starting to close. I slap him and scream at him but it does little. I could see the fight leaving him and there was a small pool of blood flowing out from underneath his head. "Katniss," his voice was almost inaudible. "Be careful, Snow's mutt." His breath was becoming shallow.
"No! Peeta! Don't you leave me, you promised!" I hear the door slam open and through blurry vision I see Haymitch and someone else rushing towards me. I'm shaking uncontrollably.
Haymitch comes to me and kneels down and drapes his arm around me. "It's ok sweetheart, he'll be ok." Haymitch nods to the person.
The person Haymitch brought with him goes to work on Peeta and Peeta suddenly cries out in pain. The feeling that I'd had when I'd gotten out of the arena and saw the doctors working on Peeta was back. This person was just another threat.
"Stop!" I lunged forward but Haymitch clumsily catches me and pulls me back and holds me.
"Easy sweetheart." But I was struggling to free myself from his grasp to get to Peeta who was on the ground moaning in pain.
"Get her out Haymitch." That voice. That cold voice. My body goes still and ice creeps up my spine and runs through my veins and Haymitch drags me backwards.
"Gale."
He looks up and gives me a smile without warmth. "Hey Catnip." Then he continues tending Peeta. "Haymitch get her out of the room, I need to talk to you."
Anger flares up, "No. There isn't time to talk, Peeta's dying!" I yell.
"Katniss." Peeta whispers. After giving both a hard look I break Haymitch's hold and crawl to Peeta and stroke his hair.
"I'm here." I say taking his hand.
Gale and Haymitch move off to my left to what they think will be a safe distance. But thanks to the Capitol my left ear can hear more than it should.
"It looks like someone hit him from behind. His skull looks fractured. I don't think he's going to make it." My hand freezes in mid stroke.
"Alright Gale, don't sugarcoat it for me, I'm a big boy." Haymitch says heavily with sarcasm.
Gale sighs, "Something similar happened to one of my guys in Two. He didn't make it because we didn't get him to a hovercraft and to the Capitol in time. Peeta has no chance this far away in Twelve. He's going to die."
Die? It's like the first few weeks of being in District 13 is back. I feel like knocking myself out, or running to the supply closet. My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. My home is District 12. I was in the Hunger Games. I escaped. The Capitol hates me. Peeta is… Peeta is-I can't breathe and when I open my eyes I'm in a corner curled up, Gale and Haymitch hovering over me calling my name.
I stand up, they back up, and I take a deep breath. "I'm fine. Go take care of Peeta."
"Go upstairs and put a shirt on Catnip." Gale counteracts but I ignore him.
"Haymitch, you should try and call Effie, see if you can't get a hovercraft out here." Gale and Haymitch exchange a look.
"Katniss-" Haymitch starts.
"No!" I yell cutting him off, "We made a deal Haymitch." I say staring him down. After a few painful heartbeats he moves off towards the phone. I move behind Gale and Peeta and take hold of his pale hand feeling so helpless. But no, I'm not going to lose him again, I refuse to. I'm not losing the boy with the bread. Haymitch is right. We've been through hell and back and he is not dying on me now.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. "I couldn't get hold of Effie," My heart sinks. "But I called the transportation center and they say a hovercraft is already headed to District 12, and with a transmission, can get it here within an hour or less sweetheart." He stares at Peeta in silence for a moment. "Peeta's a fighter, he'll make it." I wanted to believe him, I wanted to run, but both seemed like slim hopes.
"I know." I say though. I feel Gale's eyes on me and I feel resentment rise, but I try to push it down. "So why are you back in District 12?" I ask avoiding looking at him.
"I came to check on my family." He pauses long enough to cause me to look up, but he's looking at Peeta. "And I came for your birthday Catnip."
Birthday? The word or concept seems alien after all that's gone on. The Rebellion, Peeta, Prim, Finnick, Cinna, Boggs, rebuilding District 12. The thought of celebrating me turning only eighteen just doesn't seem right.
"Course. I forget people still have those." Haymitch says resentfully. He walks away from me towards the fireplace and grabs the bottle I stole off of it. "Here's to you, if the Hunger Games still existed, never again after this year having to attend a reaping as a possible tribute." He drinks. "Not that you would be since you're a victor, but gives me a reason to drink." And he sets to work finishing the bottle.
Peeta's moans have grown softer and the pool of blood gradually bigger. He's going to make it; he's going to make it! I tell myself in a forceful believable tone. It's all I can do not to break down completely.
"Katniss?" Gale's voice cuts into my thought and I flinch.
"Have you checked on your family yet?"
"No."
"You should go check on them, let them know you're here." I say. I look up and Gale gets it, I still can't think of him without relating him to the cause of Prim's death.
"Ok, I'll be back to check on Peeta. If you leave before I make it back, then it was good seeing you Katniss." And I could tell he meant it.
"You to." And I wanted to mean it, but it came out sounding empty. Gale got up and nodded to Haymitch who was running a hand over my bow.
"Keep an eye on him." He tells me. "Goodbye Haymitch." Gale yells startling Haymitch to where he starts tripping over himself to turn around and falls into a chair. He looks over the edge of the arm and glares at Gale.
"Watch it." He growls. Then a little kinder but still surly, "See ya kid." I would have laughed but at that moment Peeta squeezed my hand and my eyes flashed to him. He was pale and sweating and his teeth were gritted together. His blue eyes looked at me in agony, pleading.
"Kill me." He whispers.
My voice is just as low. "Peeta, no. A hovercraft is-"
"Kill me." He says a little louder. Gale who had almost left the room stops. Peeta shakily reaches into his pocket and is too weak to bring it back out so I help him and when he opens his palm, he holds a tiny purple pill, nightlock.
"Peeta no!" I say and take the pill from him.
"I'm not going to-"
"If someone else says you aren't going to make it I will personally give them this nightlock pill!" Peeta opens his mouth to speak, "Excluding you."
"Gale," Peeta croaks.
Gale looks at Peeta sadly and shakes his head. "I'm already blamed for the murder of someone Katniss loved; I will not be blamed for two." And I feel pain rip through me. And words Haymitch had said about Peeta now can suddenly apply to Gale, I'm punishing him, over and over, for something that was out of his control. But was it? He made the bombs. My feelings still haven't sorted out.
"It's not murder, a favor." Peeta says.
"I owe you nothing!" Gale snaps.
"I kept her alive." Gale was glaring at Peeta.
If there was one thing in life to hate, it's owing people, and being from the Seam, we know about them all too well. And Peeta just hit the one favor Gale knows he hasn't repaid.
"Gale, if you-" I start.
Gale turns on me, "If I what Katniss?" He snaps at me. "Carry out your dying love's wish? Put him out of his misery? Help him? Touch him? Are you going to blame me if he dies to? Or am I pardoned?" I stare at Gale in stunned silence. "Didn't think so." He looks at Peeta. "I'm sorry, but I can't kill my friend." Huh, Gale and Peeta as friends. I would have never though that could happen.
"I understand," Peeta whispers. With that Gale turns on his heels and leaves.
"Quite the heartbreaker aren't-"
"Shut up Haymitch," I say and sit crossing my legs by Peeta, staring, waiting, because that's all that's left to do. Sit and wait and hope Peeta makes it, which even I know is a futile chance. But he keeps fighting, for me, and selfishly I'm keeping him, making him suffer. Tears start to roll down my cheek as I take a deep breath.
"Peeta, you can go to sleep now." His blue eyes which have been fighting to stay open look at me and a frown pulls at his white lips as he catches the double meaning.
"No."
"I'll sing to you." I say, and images from a different death come to mind. Rue. And I already know what's about to happen.
"Katniss, I'm not-" But as soon as I start to sing Deep in the Meadow, by the chorus his eyes have become heavy. "Katniss," he says as I continue to sing, but I don't stop. "I love you." And I reply with the ending of the chorus. By the second chorus his eyes have closed and his breathing has become shallow. Tears spill over and my voice shakes as I finish the song then lean down and kiss his forehead gently.
