A/N: Well, hello, all! I'm new to OTH fanfic, but I have a few other fics under my belt at other venues. Anyhow, now that I've bored you with that completely irrelevant info, I just want to say I own nothing. I also want to ask for reviews (I will commence shameless begging if necessary!) because reviews help me gauge interest and pairing ideas. Yes, I will base pairings on audience reactions. So, review, review, review!
Chapter One – Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less, Keep me in your heart for awhile. Warren Zevon
June, 2010 – Graduation Day
We were the ones left behind. None of us were really great friends with each other before – okay at best, in fact, but circumstance has made us such now. And it's good. I love these two, and I love that I have them in my life. I cherish these relationships more than any of the others I have right now.
If you had told me four years ago that I'd end up here, with these two as my rocks, I might've laughed. It just didn't make sense that the three of us could form a bond like this, not when we have so little in common.
But here we are, graduating from college today, all together. Just like we'd decided we would three years ago, after one year at Tree Hill Community College. We'd decided we'd all go to the same college to finish their degree, and lo and behold, we did.
If I hadn't known these are the two, possibly the only two, that I could count on before, I would now, I would today.
June, 2006 - Graduation
"So, here we are," Nathan smiles, "I'm actually graduating, thanks to you. Can you believe it?"
I smile cheekily back at him. "Of course I can believe it. Who am I if not Haley James wonder tutor?"
He laughs, and it makes me a little sad, a little more empty feeling. He's leaving at the end of the summer for college in Connecticut, and we've already decided that it would be in both of our best interests to break up instead of trying the long distance thing. Easier in the long run, or something, I'm still not sure. But it was my idea, and I have to stand by it, even though I know it is going to hurt like hell, for both of us.
"You're a lot more than just that, Haley J, and you damn well know it. You know, you should take that scholarship at Boston U, it's a lot closer to Connecticut. And me," he adds meaningfully as he nuzzles my neck.
"Oh, Nathan," I sigh, melting into his embrace, "If there was any way I could swing the tuition and room and board that the scholarship and financial aid didn't cover, I would. There's just no way." The hopelessness I feel is evident in my voice.
"Well, maybe we should reconsider that whole breaking up at the end of summer thing. Come on, Haley J, maybe it won't be so bad. We're both tough, maybe we could make it work."
I smile at his use of his nickname for me. "Nate, you won't even be able to come at Thanksgiving or Christmas - you'll have basketball. And in the summer, you'll probably end up staying there for summer practices. It's just, well, it doesn't make sense."
"No," he argues, "What doesn't make sense is ending the best thing that has ever happened to me. That doesn't make sense. But trying my damnedest to hold on to you – that makes all kinds of sense."
These last few months have been the most bittersweet of my life. It hurts to breathe sometimes, but Nathan is going out of his way to make things as great as possible, to cram in as many memories as we possibly can before he leaves for U-Conn in August. And it is sweet and beautiful, but it is wrenching my heart right out of my chest, too.
"I love you, Nathan," I tell him seriously. He nods. "That's what makes this so damn hard." I know exactly what he means. I nod, and turn away, until able to meet his eyes any longer. I'm a little surprised when everyone around me stands up, and I realize belatedly that graduation is over. Letting go of my worries, I throw my cap in the air with the rest of my friends, laughing as Nathan twirls me around in his arms.
"Happy graduation," I tell him with a smile, dropping a kiss on his cheek. "Back atcha, Haley J." Once the pandemonium dies down a little, I find myself in a little group with Nathan, Lucas, Peyton, and Jake. They're the four people I'm closest to, and it's great to spend this day with all of them. We've been through a lot together, and in some ways it is amazing that we'd ended up here, all together still.
"We're partying tonight, right?" Jake grins, waggling his eyebrows at all of us, "I hear Tim is throwing some big blowout or something."
The rest of us groan, having experienced enough of Tim's parties to last a lifetime. Of course, we all know we'll be there, but still.
"I think I can manage to put in an appearance," Peyton grins, tugging on Luke's belt. "What about you?"
"Let's cut the bullshit," Nathan interjects, "We all know that we'll all be there."
Lucas laughs and pounds fists with Nathan. Peyton winks at me, and I can tell she's also marveling at how amazing it is that those two actually get along well enough to do guy things like pound fists. Even Jake has a small smile on his face that indicates to me he gets how huge of a change this has been.
"Okay, you sappy freaks, let's go take do the pretty and pose for pictures. You know the parental units are going to be after us for tons, so we may as well get it out of the way," Peyton points out.
We all trudge off and find our various parents. We take turns posing in every imaginable combo of the five of us, and then Jake grabs Jenny, and we all start posing again. Peyton and I have both become sort of surrogate mothers to Jenny, and I know we are both missing her already, knowing that she will be moving to South Carolina with Jake when he goes to school.
"Mama!" she cries when Lucas passes her to me. We all laugh and I kiss her on top of her head. She's been calling me 'Mama' for the past year and a half, no matter how many times Jake and everyone tries to convince her my name is Haley.
"Hey, Jenny Benny, smile for the camera!" She turns at the sound of Karen's voice and smiles her big toothy smile.
When our parents are convinced we've posed for enough pictures, they let us go, Jake's parents taking Jenny with them.
"What next?" Nathan asks, slinging an arm over my shoulder. I smile widely at him, snuggling into his embrace.
Luke grins. "If we're going to be partying tonight, we might as well get an early start. You know Tim and his group are probably on their way over there right now. Why don't we go for it, too?"
"Let's go," I smile, and they all let out a little cheer, knowing I'm still the one the most reticent to partying, especially all day and night.
"No, no, first Hales and I are going to my place and changing. I have ratty shorts on under this gown, and knowing Hales, she probably has sweat shorts or something." I laugh and blush; her description is spot-on.
She grabs my hand and we head off. "Okay, Haley James, tutor extraordinaire, we are going to be the hottest, most gorgeous chicas at the party. We are talking short skirts and tube tops. "
"You know what? Let's do it. Let's get hot, and let's get the jaws hitting the floor," I reply, feeling wild and happy and carefree, even willing to express it through my clothes.
"This is gonna be fun!" Peyton raves.
And I think she's right – it will be fun.
When Pey and I finally show up at the party, things are in full swing. Brooke is there, on the porch, scowling at Peyton as we make our way up to the door.
"Hey Brooke," Peyton tries.
Brooke ignores her, turning to me. "Hey Tutor Girl."
"Hey Tigger," I offer back, although I feel bad for Pey. Peyton has tried for the last two years to get Brooke to be her friend again, but Brooke never budged after Peyton and Luke started hanging out again.
"You look hot – scouting for new boys already?" I know she's joking, but it still hurts to be reminded that there will be a point when I'll have to do exactly that.
"Tigger, Nathan isn't gone yet, and he's all I need for now," I retort, wincing at how lame it sounds. She just laughs and Peyton drags me past her into the house.
"Hales! Pey!" Jake shouts as we walk in the door. He tosses each of us a beer, which Peyton takes and sets down.
I look at her questioningly. "Oh, no. It's hard alcohol tonight, Hales. We're getting hammered, we're having fun, and we aren't screwing around with beer."
When she links her arm through mine I just laugh and walk along with her to the kitchen. We pour ourselves drinks – when she thinks I'm not looking, Peyton adds a healthy splash of rum to my screwdriver, but I play along and take the drink with me. It's the last day of school, and this is probably the last huge party we'll all be at. I'm all for getting drunk tonight.
As we finish slamming our drinks back, Nathan, Lucas, and Jake come into the kitchen. "Hey boys, what's your poison?" Peyton asks as she fixes more for the two of us.
"Just beer for me," Nathan mumbles as he pulls me into his arm. "Hey baby. I was missing you."
"Missed you, too," I reply, giving him the best kiss I've got. I pull away and twirl. "You didn't even comment on my outfit," I pout, pretending to be injured that he didn't notice how short and tight the skirt is and how close to being a bra the shirt is.
"You know you're gorgeous, and I love seeing you in anything or nothing at all. I'm just hoping for nothing by the end of the night."
"Why, Mr. Scott, are you flirting with me?" I bat my eyelashes at him. "Only you," he promises with his eyes as well as his words.
"Nathan, don't, okay? Not tonight. Let's just forget for one night that at the end of the summer everything is changing."
He sighs as he peels a little of the label off his beer bottle. "Haley J, you ask the impossible of me, you know that? It's killing me to think of how much things are going to change in three months, and here you are, asking me to pretend like everything is fine and it always will be."
Now I feel bad. "I'm sorry, I just thought that it would be nice if we could not worry about that for five minutes. It hurts too much to think about constantly, and I love you too much to spend a day like this with you hurting."
He walks away from me without a word – I can't remember the last time he did that. I grab my drink and follow slowly behind him. "Nathan? Baby, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
He nods, not turning around. "I know you are, Haley. It's just that I don't understand any of this. I still don't understand why you don't want to at least try to make it work, and I don't understand why you think there is even a chance in hell I'd forget about it now. Pretend it isn't out there my ass."
I put my hands on his shoulders, leaning against his back. "Okay, so we won't forget about it or pretend it isn't there, but can we have fun? Please? We'll be working all summer, so this might be our last time to really party, right?"
He turns around, finally, to face me. "Yeah, we'll have fun tonight. Come on, let's go back inside and see what everyone is doing."
I take his hand when he offers it, and do my best to smile brightly at him. I hate seeing him miserable like this, and the worst part is that I caused it. I did this to him.
When we get back in the house, we take part in the normal party revelry – dancing, drinking games, shots, flirting, all with each other. Pey, Luke, and Jake are all nearby, too, and the five of us have a lot of fun. Peyton and I dance around and shout a Bon Jovi song at the top of our lungs together as the guys laugh at us, Luke arm wrestles me and lets me win, just like he used to when we were little, and Jake and Nathan make bets on the upcoming NBA draft.
It's fun, and it is normal, and I can't help but think this is the last of those two things I'll be getting for awhile. Maybe my outlook on this summer is too bleak. Maybe I should realize that the possibility exists that something wonderful and magical will happen – hell, we have the fourth of July and Labor Day weekend still, and two months in between. Tons of time for great stuff to happen.
But not enough time for me to change my mind about my relationship with Nathan.
July 4, 2006
"Come on, Hales, we're going to be late!" Lucas grumbles from the bottom of the stairs. "Luke! They can't start the fireworks without us! Hell, they wouldn't start them without us – it's your mom and Keith, for crying out loud!"
"Well, I want to be there for the good food," he counters, "And shut up, I know you're excited to see Nathan. It has been two whole days, right?"
"Hey mister, you better watch it. I have stiletto heels and I'm not afraid to use them!" I mock threaten.
"What? How in the hell would use heels?"
"To step on your foot, of course. These things are so spiky they could go right through. Bye bye Michigan basketball scholarship," I tease.
"You're mean," he pouts as he comes into my room. He sits down on the bed. "God, I can't believe how fast this summer is going, Hales. Pretty soon I'm going to be in Michigan, Pey is gonna be in New York, Nathan in Connecticut, Jake in South Carolina, and you here. None of us together."
"Lucas, please," I plead, "Can we not talk about this? Especially in front of Nathan? It's depressing enough when I think of it on my own, but when one of you two bring it up, it hurts so bad I can barely breathe."
When I sit down next to him on the bed he wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry, Hales. You can't avoid talking about it forever, though," he warns.
"I know, just a little longer. I'm not ready, it's too hard. You all are leaving me." I choke on 'leaving'.
"Oh, Hales," he sighs, "We aren't leaving forever. Besides, there are plenty of holidays to visit on, and you know you're welcome in Michigan with me any time you want."
"Please, Luke. You, Nathan, and Jake won't be able to come home for Christmas or Thanksgiving, and not even Valentine's Day or New Year's or Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I don't have the money to bounce from coast to coast to Great Lakes to see you all whenever I want. It'll never be the same."
"Life changes, Hales."
"I hate change."
He chuckles into my hair. "I know you do. And this change does suck in some ways." "In some ways?" I ask incredulously, "Try in all ways."
"Hales, Hales. We're growing up. Time to move on, find our place in the world. I don't know, something like that."
"Aren't you going to miss how things are? Aren't you going to miss Tree Hill and all of us? Nothing is going to be the same. Even Jenny will be gone," I sniffle, trying not to break down and completely cry.
"I'm going to miss everything," he says seriously, "Especially you. This is huge, for all of us. I know it'll be especially hard for you."
"What does that mean?" I ask, feeling defensive.
I think he senses the shift in my mood because he moves away from me a little. "Hales, you'll be here still and we'll all be gone. I mean, maybe that'll be easier, to be with the familiar, but I don't know, I guess I was just thinking that the change will make it all easier." I laugh a little, and it's not entirely bitter. "A ch-ch-change will do you good?" I sing song.
He laughs, and it feels genuine. "Yeah, something like that. But you know, at least you'll know most of the people you'll be going to school with."
"And that's a good thing how?"
"Well, make it easier, I don't know. I think it'd be nice if I knew at least one person at my school, but I guess with basketball I'll make friends soon enough. I hope."
"You'll make tons of friends," I assure him, knowing it's true. "Hey, if you can become friends with Nathan, I don't think there is anyone in this world that you can't befriend."
He flops backwards on the bed. "When you put it that way, I guess I'll have friends hanging off me immediately."
I toss a pillow at him. "Is it weird that I'm jealous of them already? I mean, these people, they'll be the ones seeing you every day, and knowing all the little things instead of me. It won't be Lukey and Hales anymore," I pout.
"Don't call me that," he laughs before turning serious. "It'll always be 'us', Hales. You and me, we go way back. Too far back to let a little time and space come between us. You're my best friend, and that's not something I take lightly."
"You're right," I concede, knowing full well that Luke and I have the type of friendship that can be maintained. I don't doubt that it'll change over time, but it will be there always, in some form or another.
"So, let's go! I know you don't want to keep Loverboy waiting too long," he smirks, dodging this pillow toss.
"Okay, okay, let's go. But watch your back, Scott, you keep making cracks like that and I'll get you good!"
We walk out of the house to his truck amiably, just enjoying each other's company. I feel like doors are slamming shut behind me these days, and every time I do something like this with a friend or Nathan, I wonder if it'll be the last time.
"Haley J!" Nathan grins as he sees us walking over to the large group that has gathered to celebrate the holiday.
"Hey gorgeous," I squeal, thrilled beyond words to see him. Only two days, and I act like a besotted fool. How am I going to survive when he moves to Connecticut? I laugh as he sweeps me into his arms and spins me around. "I missed you, baby," he whispers in my ear. "Missed you more. Ready to watch the fireworks?"
"Actually I was thinking that you and I should go make some of our own. Everyone is here, we could easily find some private, deserted spot for our own display." He waggles his eyebrows suggestively at me.
"Are you on another sex in public kick?" I ask with a laugh, "Because if you are, I might be interested." That shocks a laugh out of him. "Really, I want to see these fireworks, but I wouldn't mind if we left right after that to make some of our own."
"I'm holding you to that," he warns. I grab his hand and drag him over to the blanket that Peyton, Luke, and Jake are sitting on, playing with Jenny.
"Mama!" Jake groans, throwing his hands up in mock frustration as the rest of us laugh.
"Hey, Jenny!" I pick her up and squeeze her tight. "Are you ready for the pretty fireworks?"
"Boom!" she cheers cutely.
Nathan and I sit down with everyone, taking the sodas offered to us gratefully. Jenny stays on my lap, and I laugh when he engages in trying to get Jenny off so he can lay his head there instead.
"And there's the Nathan we all know and love," Peyton jokes, "Engaging in the attempted bribery of a two and a half year old. The best part? She ain't falling for it."
We all crack up, except Nathan, who glares at us for a second before going back to his bargaining with Jenny. Jenny refused to give in, though, so he settles for moving behind me, settling me between his legs so I can lean back against his chest. Everything about this, Jenny in my arms included, feels right.
Jenny and I both jump a little as Keith sets off the first of the fireworks. The familiarity of this is overwhelming – I've been celebrating this holiday with Lucas, Karen, and Keith for as long as I can remember, and aside from a few years when Lucas and I thought matches were really cool, Keith has set off the fireworks.
We all laugh as he jokes around when he moves away from them after lighting the fuse by dropping to the ground and rolling away – what he calls 'spy moves'.
"Thank you for bringing this world to me, Haley J," Nathan whispers in my ear. It hurts a little to think that even after our relationship ends he will still have this, still have these people who were once mine. I love that he has them now, that he has the security and warmth of their love, but it hurt, too.
"It's a good world, and you deserve to be a part of it," I tell him sincerely.
"It's the best world. And that's mainly because you're in it." "Oooh!" Jenny bounces on my lap, clapping her hands, drawing everyone's attention. Nathan reaches around me to ruffle her hair.
"This is fun, you guys," Jake says with a smile, "I'm glad we do this every year."
"We should all try and get back here for this next year," Peyton comments, "You know, even if we don't come back for the summer, at least visit for Fourth of July."
"Sounds good to me," Luke says, ruffling her hair. "Especially since I'm 99% sure I'll be back for the summer no matter what."
"Yeah, me too," Nathan agrees, and I can feel the heat of his stare from behind me, "I'll definitely be back next summer, and I'll definitely be looking forward to doing exactly this next summer, too."
I crane my head back so I can give him a small smile, tightening my hold on Jenny. His words are nice, but there's no way any of us know if it'll really happen or not. Besides, who's to assume that he won't have a girlfriend by then.
Labor Day Weekend, 2006
"I can't believe I'm leaving tomorrow," Peyton says softly as we sit on the dock waiting for the guys. "I'm going to miss you so much."
"I know, I'll miss you, too."
She laughs suddenly. "Who would've thought three years ago that it'd be you and I sitting here? I mean, I didn't even know you, and now you're my best friend."
I laugh, too. "Life is funny like that, I guess. Puts you with people you never in a million years figured, but somehow it just makes sense."
"Talking about you and I or you and Nathan?"
"Both, probably. Don't get me wrong, you and I were an unlikely friendship in the beginning, at least going by outward appearances. But Nathan and I, wow, talk about something no one ever thought would happen."
"Yeah, and look at you two now. I don't know anyone, even older than us, who has a better relationship than you two."
"A relationship that will be ending tomorrow," I point out, trying to keep the sorrow from my voice.
"Are you sure that's what you want to do, Hales? Nathan wouldn't be upset at all if you changed your mind."
"I know. I just – I don't know, I guess it's a preemptive strike. He's going to a new state, Pey. He's going to be making all new friends, and some of them will be women. If he stays tied to me, I'm afraid he'll eventually regret it. I don't want to be a regret."
"You're going to be one either way," she points out, elaborating when I raise an eyebrow at her, "Hey, I'm just saying – the way it is now, he'll always wonder 'what if'. So will you. I'm just afraid in five or ten years you'll both sit around wondering and regretting."
"I know this seems like the easy way out, but it's not. It's so, so hard, Pey. I feel like I'm breaking apart, shattering. In some ways, I don't know who I am without Nathan, or you, Luke or Jake. This is all so scary." I hate to admit fear, and this is the first time I brought that word up in terms of all that is happening now.
"I'm scared, too," she admits, "I'm scared of moving to a big city, especially New York, and I'm scared of leaving you and the guys, and I'm even scared of leaving my dad. But that is what this is all about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can be scared, but you still don't have to shut the doors on relationships you've worked so hard on."
"Pey, I can't stand the thought of holding him back. I want him to have the full college experience, and I don't know if he'll do that if he has some small town girlfriend back home moping over him. Maybe this will be better for both of us."
"Maybe," she shrugs, and I can tell she's not convinced.
"Hey ladies," Tim says from behind us. A glance behind me shows that Nathan and Luke are with him, each taking one side of the cooler.
"Hey guys, what's up?" Peyton asks, "I hope there are plenty of yummy brews in there, Luke!"
"Yeah, yeah," he mutters as they set the cooler down. Nathan sits down beside me, pulling me into his arms.
"Haley J, how are you? You look all kinds of gorgeous today."
It is nice that he noticed since I made a special effort to really look great for him today. I guess that since this is our last night together, I want all memories of it to be perfect for him, for all of us, really. I don't know why it is such a big deal – we have tons of memories where we're both all dressed up pretty or sexy or whatever, but I just want only perfect memories of tonight.
"Thank you," I say, feeling my cheeks heat with a blush. No matter how many thousands of compliments he pays me, he still always makes me blush.
We spend the night rambunctiously, pushing each other off the dock into the water, splashing around and just generally having a wonderful time. It's fun and comforting, and it makes me wish time would stand still at this very moment.
When it gets too cool to stay out here, we head to Deb and Dan's. They're out of town for the weekend, and even though Lucas and I have both made a tentative peace with Dan over the last two years, neither of us are overly comfortable in his presence still. But there is a huge family room here with a giant sectional that all five of us can crash on while we watch movies on the flat screen TV.
We barely watch the movies we put in, opting to talk and joke and laugh instead. For a little while I can actually forget that tomorrow, this will all be over. Life will never the same again.
"Why don't we all just crash here tonight?" Luke suggests, yawning, "There's more than enough room, and your parents probably won't care, right, Nate?"
"Nah, they won't care. But they might be getting back early in the morning, so you might have to see Dan," he warns all of us, especially Luke.
"Uh, well, that's okay. I kinda promised him I'd stop by before I left to say goodbye." He chuckles at the looks of astonishment prominent on all of our faces. "Well, we might not have a great relationship, but we can be civil now. And he civilly asked me to do this, and I civilly agreed."
"Wow," Peyton mutters.
"I know, that is a total 'wow' statement if I've ever heard one," I chime in, feeling a little left out that he didn't tell me.
"Ah, you guys, come on, it's not a big deal. I'm not going to see him probably until next summer at the soonest – is it so weird that I'd stop by one last time?"
"Well, yeah," Nathan laughs, "It is really weird. I mean, you guys don't exactly have the world's best father son relationship. In fact I remember at least a hundred times that you wished you'd never have to see him again."
Luke just shrugs. "Things change, I don't know. We sure aren't best friends, and I wouldn't call him 'dad' if he paid me, but it's not so awful anymore."
"Well, that's....good," I offer, unsure what to say or think. Probably better than anyone, I know how deeply affected by Dan's treatment of him Lucas was, and I guess it doesn't hurt to be cautiously optimistic for him now.
"It's nothing," he insists again, "I swear. Just goodbye. Maybe that's the closure he and I both need."
Nathan snorts. "Please. Like you can ever get closure from that man." I put my hand on his knee, giving him a squeeze. While Dan and Luke have formed a tentative truce, Nathan and Dan's relationship has spiraled out of control. It is so bad that I'm actually surprised Nathan let us come here today despite Dan's absence.
"Well, either way, I'll be a thousand miles from him this time next week, so I don't see how it's a big deal."
"Maybe it isn't," Jake says, always the peacekeeper, "I mean, yeah, maybe you'll never see him again."
"He's a bad penny," Peyton laughs, "That man will always turn up. We should all face that fact now."
We all join in her laughter, each thinking it's true for different, personal reasons.
We spend the entire night on that huge sectional, finally falling asleep somewhere around 8 am. Dan and Deb arrived home around noon, startling us all awake.
"Well, I wasn't expecting you all to be here," Deb smiles. Dan murmurs a quiet 'hello' before stepping into the kitchen with Deb.
"That wasn't so bad," Luke jokes.
"I'm sure we ain't seen nothing yet," Nathan sighs.
We're all pretty quiet as we get ourselves put back together. Today is going to be a rough day. Nathan and Peyton are both leaving today, and none of us really knows how to deal with that. And by the end of the week, Jake and Lucas will both be gone, too.
Peyton and Jake leave not too long after we wake up, Peyton citing the need to pack and Jake citing the need to get back to Jenny. Nathan and I go upstairs to finish packing up his stuff as Lucas goes into Dan's trophy room to talk to him.
"How do you think that talk is going?" I ask Nathan, kind of curious to how he feels about this whole thing.
"I don't know, I just hope Dan doesn't say something stupid and cruel that hurts him." I smile at the touch of protectiveness that enters his voice.
"Well, like Luke said, he hasn't in awhile. Maybe this is good for them; better than sweeping everything under the rug and acting hostile towards each other, anyways."
"Yeah, maybe," he says doubtfully.
"So, what's left to do in here?" I ask, trying to banish the tears I feel rising as I let my gaze wander around his room. "Remember the last time we moved this stuff? When you moved back in here?"
He laughs with me. "Oh, God, that shit was hell on earth. Mom and Dan were still so pissed about the emancipation thing that they would even help. That day ended good, though."
"It sure did," I agree, remembering that was the night we first made love, back at his then-vacant apartment before we drove the last load to his parent's.
"I'm gonna miss that, Haley J. In fact, I'm going to miss everything about you, this. It's not too late to change your mind," he says as he pulls me close. He drops hot, wet kisses on my neck, and it takes all my willpower not to give in, not to agree that a break-up isn't necessary.
"Mmm, Nathan, you know it's for the best."
He shakes his head against my neck. "No, you know that, I don't. But if it is what you want, I'm not going to fight you on it. I can't, and besides, there's no point – you obviously won't be changing your mind any time soon." He pulls away and sits down on his bed.
"Nathan, come on, don't be mad now, not on our last day together."
"I'm trying not to be, but it is damn hard, okay? You're all I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed. That doesn't just change because you decide to take the easy way out."
"We've already had this conversation," I remind dully, "I don't see the point in having it again."
"Then maybe you should go," he says, running one hand through his hair and the other pointing to the door.
I stare hard at him for a second, questioning him, questioning myself before I turn and walk out.
"Leaving so soon, Haley?" Deb asks as I walk down the stairs.
"Uh, yeah, I think Peyton probably could use a hand getting the rest of her stuff together. I'm gonna stop by there."
The fact that I'm fighting tears must not be lost on her because she pulls me into her arms in a tight hug. "Hey, it'll be okay. If it's meant to be, you and Nathan will find your ways back to each other, okay?"
I nod against her shoulder. "I think I've made him hate me, though. I just – I'm trying to do this in the least possible way, and I think he hates me for it."
"Nathan could never hate you," Dan says from behind me. I pull away from Deb to face him. "It's true, he loves you."
Lucas nods beside him. "He's right, Hales. He's just hurt right now, and on top of you two breaking up, he's moving out of state. That's a lot to deal with."
It's kind of uncanny to have Dan and Lucas here in front of me, side by side, trying to cheer me up regarding my disintegrating relationship with Nathan. "Thank you," I whisper, unsure what else to say.
"I'm gonna go say goodbye to Nathan," Luke says. He gives me a hug on his way past me. "It'll be okay, Hales. I'll see you in a few hours at Pey's, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." I sigh, turning back to Deb and Dan. "Thank you both," I attempt to smile at them.
"You're welcome, honey," Deb smiles sympathetically, "You know I've come to love you dearly over the last three years. Any way I can help, let me know."
"Me, too," Dan says, clearing his throat, "I've never said this, but I know how much you've helped Nathan over the years, and I appreciate that. Thank you. If you ever need anything, you know where to find us."
"Wow, thank you, but really, it was nothing. I'd do it all over again if I could – helping Nathan did more for me than it ever did for him," I say ruefully.
"Just the same, we're here," Deb smiles.
As I walk to Peyton's, I reflect on the strangeness of the morning. Luke and Dan making nice, Dan making nice with me, Nathan ordering me out. It's just too much to handle right now, and I burst into tears right as I knock on Peyton's front door.
"Haley James, what on earth is the matter with you?" she exclaims as she opens the door, "I'm not even gone yet, and already tears?"
"You should know I'm really close to begging you to not leave," I warn her, brushing my tears away, "I mess everything up when I don't have you to keep on me on the right path."
"What happened?"
"Same thing that has been happening all summer. I guess since today's the day emotions just bubbled over. Nathan ordered me out of his room. Dan was nice to me, though."
"He ordered you out?" she asks incredulously, "And wait – Dan, King of Jackasses, was nice to you?"
I laugh through the tears at her description of him. "Yeah, a miracle, huh? And I don't know, I guess I finally pushed Nathan over the edge."
"He'll get over it, Hales."
"I guess. It's just that there isn't time for him to get over it now. He leaves today, Pey!"
"That's plenty of time. He loves you, he adores you – he's going to apologize for acting like an ass, even if you have to take the first step by going back over there. But not until after I leave. I want you here with me for awhile at least."
"Yeah, don't worry, I'm not leaving you yet."
She hugs me. "I'll be back in November for Thanksgiving, and we are going to go crazy then, okay? And maybe for winter break we can hop on a plane and go watch either Nathan or Lucas play. I bet at least one of them will be in a tournament in Vegas or California. It'll be fun."
"Yeah, we'll do that," I agree, thinking it sounds fun.
We pack the rest of her stuff down to the moving truck that is parked in front of her stuff. Like Nathan, she's having her stuff shipped to her new place and driving with enough stuff to last them until the rest of their belongings make it.
"So, as soon as the guys show up, I guess I'm outta here," she sighs, "It'll be so weird to leave Tree Hill."
"It'll be weird without you here. I'm really gonna miss you, Pey. More than I ever could've imagined."
She puts an arm around my shoulder, and I put mine around her. "Haley James, you are the greatest friend I've ever had. I love you dearly."
"I love you, too," I tell her.
"Aw, isn't this sweet?" Jake laughs, "They loooove each other."
"Oh, shut up, Jake," we say in unison.
Luke and Nathan walk up behind him, and Nathan refuses to make eye contact with me. "No, I'm serious, between you two and Luke and Nathan, all this bonding is making me ill."
"You're just jealous," Peyton smirks.
"Nah, I know you all love and adore me."
Peyton rests her head on the top of mine. "Well, you guys, now that you're here, I guess it's time for me to go."
I tighten my grip on her. "Already? They just got here, though."
"I know, but I want to make it at least to Virginia, maybe Maryland, before stopping for the night."
Luke rolls his eyes. "Give it up, the way you drive, you'll probably make it all the way to New York before the sun sets."
She laughs, "Yeah, I am that good, aren't I?"
"If good is what you kids are calling it these days, then yeah, good." Luke looks around at each of us with a mischievous look in his eyes, "Group hug?"
Nathan and Jake both roll their eyes at him, and Pey and I giggle, still hugging anyways. "Yeah, I want a group hug," Peyton demands, "And since I'm leaving first, I should get what I want!"
The guys groan, but move over to us and wrap their arms around us anyways.
"Okay, you guys," Peyton begins, "I want you all to know that I love you, and that you've made a huge difference for the better in my life. Except you, Luke, you've just wreaked havoc on it." We all laugh. "No, really, I don't know where I'd be without you guys. Any of you. I know we've all said it already, but who'd have thought the five of us would end up here together?"
"No one," Nathan laughs, and the rest of us join in.
We pull out of the hug. Peyton turns to Nathan and hugs him individually, whispering something in his ear. She moves onto Jake and then Luke, and finally me.
"You're the best, Hales. And I know you think you and Nathan have to end it, but just remember that he loves you and that's more important than distance. Anyways, I know you don't want my advice, so thank you for being my friend. Thank you for letting me be me. Love you."
"Love you, too, Pey. You're my first real girl friend," I laugh, tears again forming in my eyes, "And now you're leaving. Oh, God, this is hard."
"I know. It'll be okay. I'll call you all the time, okay?"
"Me, too. Drive safe, okay?"
"Just for you!"
She pulls away and gets into her car. She doesn't say anything, just starts the car and blasts the radio, and peels out of the driveway. The four of us remaining stand here staring at her car as it flies down the street towards her future.
"Well," Jake clears his throat, brushing away a tear, "I guess it's off to your place, huh, Nate?"
He sighs, kicking at a rock. "Yeah, it is. Let's go."
We all pile in Jake's car, which is parked a little way down the street, Jake in the front seat with Nathan, and Luke and I in the back.
When we get out of the car, we head for the porch, sitting on the steps. "Well, I have to leave within an hour," Nathan mumbles, clearly dreading what's coming.
Luke steps toward him. "Well, I already said most of my goodbye, but I guess another hug could be in order. I'm going to miss having you on my side, bro," he tells him as they hug.
"I'm always on your side now," Nathan reminds him, causing my tears to spill over, "And I'm really glad for that. You've been a really great brother, and I'm still sorry for all that shit I pulled before."
"I know, man. I, uh, love you." Jake looks at me and smiles as he steps forward to hug Nathan.
"Well, man, this is it. We've played together a long time. I'm gonna miss you."
"And I'll miss you and Jenny. Spoil her a little and tell her it is from me, okay?"
Jake laughs. "I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks." He looks at Luke, who nods. "Well, speaking of Jenny, I should go. Want a ride, Luke?"
"Sure do." Luke squeezes my shoulder as he walks past.
"Still want me out of here?" I ask when they're out of earshot.
"Never," he sighs, pulling me into his arms, "And that is why this is so fucking hard. Anyways, I won't start again, and I won't beg you to rethink your decision. But I'm still going to tell you that I love you and want you and need you. Because I do, and that is never going to change, Haley J, never. No matter how much you push me away, I'll still love you, and I'll still want you, and I'll still think about how much better my life would be if I had you in it, committed to me like I'm committed to you."
I burst into tears against his chest. "I love you. So much. That isn't the issue, you know that."
"I know." He tightens his arms around me. "I just don't want to let you go."
"Me neither."
"Maybe I should stay here. I could go to THCC with you, and then after two years, we could transfer somewhere else."
"Nathan, you already signed."
"Basketball isn't the be all to end all for me, Haley."
"I know, but you can't. You'd hate yourself and me someday down the road if you didn't go. I don't want that for us."
"Yeah," he whispers, "You sure you don't want to take a year off and live in my dorm room with me? I'll smuggle you in."
"Sounds enticing," I laugh. "Thank you."
"You're most welcome." He kisses me on my forehead as he rocks me in his arms. "Uh, thank you for what?"
"Making me laugh. I needed that. Badly."
"Anytime. I'll do anything for you. Will you promise me that you'll remember that, and if you ever need anything – even the tiniest thing imaginable, you'll call me?"
"I will," I promise, even though we both know it's a lie. I have to let him go completely, and depending on him to solve my problems isn't going to accomplish that for either of us.
He extricates himself from my grasp. "It's getting late. I have to get going in a few minutes," he sighs.
"I know," I whisper, drying my eyes.
Deb and Dan walk out on the porch. "You about ready to leave, Nate?" Dan asks.
"Yeah, just about." He stuffs a few more bags into his car. "Well, I think everything is in there, at least."
"If you forgot something, we'll ship it to you," Deb tells him.
"Okay, cool. Uh, could I have a couple of minutes with Haley, please?"
"Sure." They turn and step back in the house.
"Well, this is it, huh?" He's standing a few feet away from me, leaning against the car. "The end of a really great era."
"The best," I smile, "I mean that. You've made me happier than I ever could've imagined. I don't regret a single moment we've shared, Nathan. I'm glad you were all my 'firsts'. You made everything wonderful, perfect even."
He straightens up, reaching a hand up to brush over my cheek. "You made my world right, Haley J. You gave me Lucas and Peyton and Jake, and even Karen and Keith. Without you, I wouldn't have any of them. You were bridge to that wonderful world. But you are so much more than that. You're the only girl I've ever loved. Ever will." I look down, but he cups his hand under my chin, tipping it up so I make eye contact with him again. "I mean it. I don't care what you believe, nothing can change that."
"I love you, too, Nathan."
"I know you do. I'm sorry I've been an ass all summer."
"Only off and on assy," I giggle. "Hug me?"
He wraps his arms around my waist, and I throw mine around his neck. He lifts me up so my feet are off the ground. "You can't tell me this isn't perfect, what we've got," he whispers.
"I'd never say it wasn't," I vow.
"Okay. Okay." He sets me down, stepping back. I can see him compose himself, taking deep breaths. "Okay. I have to go, baby."
A lone tear streaks down his cheek, and I reach up and brush it away. "I know."
He steps away from me. "Mom, Dad."
They step back out onto the porch. After he hugs her, Deb comes over and puts her arm around me. "How you holding up, honey?"
"I'm still standing, I guess." She gives me a squeeze as we watch Nathan shake Dan's hand before Dan pulls him into a hug.
Nathan waves to Deb and I before getting into his car. Dan moves over to stand with us, and we're all quiet as the car starts and Nathan waves another goodbye. When the car turns onto the other street, taking him out of sight, I burst into tears. Deb pulls me closer.
"It's even harder than I thought," I tell her sadly.
"It usually is. You'll be okay, though. You're strong, so is Nathan."
I nod. "Yeah, I know. Well, I guess I should go. I'm supposed to work tonight – Karen thought it'd get my mind off of Nathan and Peyton leaving. And Jake is going to drop off Jenny with me for some girl bonding."
"Well, I bet Jenny will be a better distraction than working will," Deb smiles.
"Yeah, you're probably right." For about the hundredth time today, I wipe the tears from my face. "Okay, thank you guys. I'll probably see you around town sometimes."
"You're welcome to visit, Haley," Dan says, and I'm not sure what to say. "I know we haven't been on great terms ever, but that can definitely change."
"Thanks, I'll try and stop by sometime. Bye."
The rest of the week passes in a haze. I can't really remember anything I did beside saying goodbye to Jake midweek. It's the easiest of the three for me because he's the one staying close enough to visit at least sporadically. Jenny cries, though, which upsets both Lucas and I.
It's almost a relief, though, to have one more down. Of course, the last one is a dandy. Lucas has been my friend forever. I've cried to him, I've held him when he cried, and he's been around for a lot of the best moments or events of my life. It's almost like he's a part of me, and I'm going to miss him desperately. I think the big deal around Nathan leaving kind of overshadowed that for me, but now it's all crashing into me.
We're sitting together behind the counter of the café, just like we have forever. "So this is it," he smiles. I think he's really excited to get out of Tree Hill, find out what else there is for him out there. And I'm happy for him.
"Yeah, it is." I even manage to smile back. "God, you're going to be in Michigan this time tomorrow. That is so weird."
"You're telling me. It's so far away from home. Far away from you, Mom, and Keith. Never figured I'd be one to leave, you know?"
"You scared, Scott?" I tease.
"Hales, have I ever been scared?" he scoffs.
"Oh, oh, you did not just play that off! When we were 12, 12!, you got scared and thought we were lost in the woods that time, but we practically in the backyard of that house two doors down. I could go on, but I suspect you wouldn't appreciate that!"
"Fine, you win," he laughs, "I wouldn't appreciate that at all. I think this is what I'm going to miss most of all. I can't believe this is something we won't be experiencing together. It's always been Luke and Hales – that's how people knew us. I guess that changed when you and Nathan got together, but it was still there, at least a little."
"We're the Dynamic Duo," I joke, eliciting a grin from him, "An elite crime fighting team whose superpower is friendship!"
"You are a strange, strange woman," he laughs.
"That's just part of the reason you love me," I point out, "I funny!"
"For a tutor, you have a bad grammar," he teases. He looks around. "It is so weird that I won't be in here every day anymore. Hey, want to know a secret?"
"Always!" I grin.
"Mom and Keith are pregnant!" I can tell by his huge grin he's thrilled, but I can't help teasing him a little.
"Wow, I get how it works for your mom, but how'd Keith end up with a bun in the oven, huh? And Lucas Scott, a big brother twice over!"
"Shut up," he grumbles in jest, "But yeah, a new baby. Pretty amazing, isn't it? The only shitty part is that I'll be in Michigan when it's born."
"Well, I'll be here. I'll protect him or her like you would, okay?"
"You're the best, Hales."
"This is true," I agree. "A new baby. Finally, something good to look forward to. Someone coming instead of leaving."
He smiles. "Mom and Keith are thrilled. I don't think I've ever seen Keith so proud looking."
"I bet it's about the same as when you made the game-winning basket last year at the league championships." I look at him more closely. "You aren't worried about that, are you? I mean, that Keith will love this baby more because it's his?"
"No. Maybe. I don't know. It's just that I think it was always easy to think of me as his because he didn't think he'd have any. And now he is. It's just weird."
"He loves you, Luke. Not only does he clearly wish you were his, he thinks of you as his son. And that's more important than anything."
He smiles. "I know. I guess I'm just worried. It's stupid, I know."
"It's not stupid. Especially considering the number Dan has done on you over the years."
"Isn't it funny now that I'm kind of making progress with and becoming secure in my relationship with Dan that I'm questioning how Keith feels about me?"
"What happened with Dan?" I'm so curious that I lean towards like this is the best gossip I'll hear in a month or something.
"He – well, he apologized." He kinda makes a face as he says this, and I laugh a little, partially at the face, partially in shock at the idea Dan Scott would apologize. Particularly to Lucas.
"Are you serious? No shit?"
"No, no shit. None. You know that we'd been kind of almost getting along the last six months or so, but neither of us had mentioned the past at all. It was like if we didn't mention it, it wasn't there. But he apologized, and he even looked like he meant it. He, uh, gave me a hug, even. Said that he and Deb would fly up for a game or two."
"Wow, Lucas. That's incredible. How are you with all of that?"
He shrugs. "I don't know. I mean, it's kind of like getting something you didn't even know you wanted."
"Or something that you pretended to everyone, yourself included, that you didn't want, but secretly did?"
"Thanks, Hales, for getting to the heart of the matter," he says with a rueful grin. "But you might be right. I don't know, it was weird. In a good way, I guess."
"Your mom must've been shocked as hell."
"I haven't told her or Keith, actually," he sighs, "I don't know, it just seemed like it might be a slap in their faces. They've done everything for me my whole life, and Dan has done nothing. Hell, Dan went out of his way to make it worse. And now, if I bond with Dan, it just feels like I'm turning my back on them or something."
"They wouldn't think that, Luke. Especially your mom. She knows how important it is to you, I mean, having Dan make some sort of gesture of kindness. She'll be glad for you."
"I don't know about that, Hales. I don't want to hurt her by telling her that I've kind of always wanted Dan to acknowledge me, you know?"
"You can't seriously think she doesn't know already! Luke, your mom can look at me and guess what I'm thinking or feeling! Trust me, she can absolutely do the same for you."
He leans over and hugs me. "What am I going to do without you, Hales?"
"I don't know. Instead of the Dynamic Duo, I guess we'll have to be Singular Sensations now!"
He shakes his head. "You're a big dork, Hales. But it's okay, I love you anyways."
"You better, best friend!"
"Always. That's what friends are for, right?"
"You aren't going to start singing now, are you?" I ask him, suspicious, "Because my eardrums would not appreciate that."
"Hales!" he gasps, feigning shock, "Are you saying that I should give up my dream of appearing on 'American Idol'? Because that's just cruel, Dream Killer!"
When we finish laughing, I lay my head on his shoulder. "I'm really gonna miss you, Scott. More than anyone. Don't tell them that, though."
I can practically feel his surprise. "Hales, you know you don't have to say that. You can miss us in different ways, it is okay."
"I'm not just saying that, Luke. You're my best friend. You've been my best friend for forever. Your mom is practically my mom. I love Nathan as much as I love you, but your presence in my life is so huge. I'll really miss that."
"I'll miss you most, too," he admits quietly.
"I knew it!" I cheer, laughing. "So, when do you leave?"
"First thing in the morning."
"I'm going to say goodbye tonight, okay? I don't know if I can watch you drive off, Lucas. I just – it's too hard."
"Okay, whatever you want, Hales."
"Thanks," I whisper, "I'm not trying to be a pain and not be there tomorrow. I'm just, I don't know, does it make sense that the hardest part is watching someone drive off? I can't do that again."
"It's okay, I understand. We'll say goodbye tonight, okay?"
"Thanks, Luke."
"Anything for you, Hales."
Graduation Day, June 2010
"Well, Tutor Girl, we graduated from college! Can you believe it?" Brooke bounces around a little, laughing. "Well, of course you can believe you graduated, but I bet it's a little harder to believe that Tim and I did, too!"
I laugh as Tim spins me around in a big bear hug. "Why would it be hard to believe? You two might be lazy bastards, but neither of you are stupid. Well, Tigger, you aren't, but Tim has his moments."
Tim snorts. "Whatever. Just cuz I'm not a bookworm geek, I get labeled stupid. I might be a jock, but your labels hurt."
Brooke and I crack up at his mock pout. "You're a freak, Timmy," she laughs.
"So, what are we doing to celebrate?" I ask. My parents didn't show up, and neither did Brooke's, so she and I have no familial celebrations to attend to.
After much debate, we decide to get some cheap wine and take a few blankets down and just sit on the beach back in Tree Hill. When Brooke's parents moved to Florida last spring, they left her their house, and the three of us are planning on living there until we decide where we're going and what we're doing. It won't last forever, obviously, but we plan to live it up and enjoy it while it does.
We've all lived with one another at some point over the last four years, but never all three at the same time. This could be interesting. But we're best friends, and there's only a slight chance someone freaks out and kills someone.
Anyways, we were the ones left behind – we have to stick together.
