Gill had left the office as soon as Sammy rang. She'd confided in Janet as she left the meeting and Janet had told her not to do anything stupid. She arrived home and wondered what she would find. All she knew was that Dave had turned up, pissed out of his mind, and wouldn't leave. Apparently, this had happened before but she didn't know about it. Sammy was a good kid, he didn't deserve that twat of a father. That twat I married, Gill thought.
She didn't know why but she still felt a little something for Dave. How can you be married to someone for nearly twenty years and have a child with them, and suddenly turn off all your feelings for them? She'd tried but it wasn't as easy as it looked.
She put her key in the door and found Sammy in the hall, ringing Orla.
"Sorry," he said.
"No, it's not your fault," Gill replied.
"I'm going to be late."
"Go. Say happy birthday to Orla for me."
"You sure you're going to be okay?" Sammy asked.
How did I leave my son with Dave while I was in the Crime Faculty and have him turn out so wonderful?
"Go. Go!" She kissed Sammy on the cheek. "Have fun!" She managed a weak smile at her son.
Sammy left and Gill felt her heart rate increase. She turned to look round the doorway at Dave. He was asleep on the sofa, the TV blaring. The man I have a child with is in there. The man I still have feelings for. The man I still love. Gill quickly made those thoughts leave her head; she couldn't have Dave see that she still had feelings for him. She walked in and turned the TV off.
Dave woke up and looked up at Gill. "Oh, you're home," he smiled.
"How pissed are you?" she asked, not returning his smile.
"I may have had the odd sherbet or two," Dave replied. It was just like him to get cocky when he'd had a few.
"What time did you start to get into this state? You were in my office less than four hours ago!" Disgust was clearly in her voice, she made no effort to hide it.
Dave clutched his head. Yeah, I hope you do have a headache. "Oh Gill. Shhhh!"
Gill didn't take kindly to being told what to do. "I've just had to leave a briefing on a murder because of this. Do you know how bad that is?! Not for ME, not for MY career -"
Dave interrupted Gill. "That was very cruel this afternoon, what you said."
Gill felt sorry for what she had said but didn't let it show. She couldn't let her cold, hard mask slip for even a second. If she did, Dave would be all over it like a rash.
"Dave, if I wanted to be cruel, I haven't even started." That's better. That sounds like I mean it.
"I do not rely on those beneath me to make me look good." I know you don't, I'm sorry.
"Look, you can't come here in this state and carry on like this, and certainly not in front of Sammy," Gill told him.
Dave looked up at Gill, tears in his eyes. God, he's sexy when he cries. "I wish you knew how much I still love you."
Gill felt her heart race and wondered if Dave could tell. I love you too, the voice in her head told her. "Well I'm afraid that's your problem, not mine," she replied.
"Do you not have any feelings for me at all?" YES!
"Dave, I think you know what my feelings are towards you. I don't think anybody could accuse me of making a secret of it." But I am making a secret of it.
"No, I meant… You used you, didn't you? Have nicer feelings about me?"
"Yeah, I did and now, do you know…" Should I tell him? I can't tell him the truth, can I? "I'm really grateful I can't remember how I used to feel about you in a way that means anything to me anymore. So, if you've got a sneaky, lingering optimism that I'm in denial and I still want to do something joyous and delightful with you, please, please get that little notion out of your little head now." I still do though. I still do want to do something joyous and delightful with him.
"We had really good sex!" was Dave's reply. I know. I miss it. I can't, I won't, tell him how I feel.
"Dave, I want you to leave."
"You were better than her!" Why is he so sexy?
"If you get in the car, I'll drive you to your mother's." Good save, Gill. Get him out of the house.
Dave laughed. "I'm not going to my mother's."
"Well you're not staying here," Gill replied a little too quickly.
"Spare room," Dave insisted.
"No!" I can't sleep knowing that he's in the house. Knowing that the man I still love is in the room next to me.
"You're my wife. This is my house."
"No, love, we're divorced and I got the house."
"Why did you get the house?" he asked.
"Because you went off with…" Gill couldn't even say her name. It pained her too much. The day she found out had been the worst day of her life. Dave had ripped out her heart and didn't even seem to care. "You really fucked everything up, didn't you?" Dave could hear Gill choking back tears and she lifted her arm to stop Dave from seeing that tears that were falling.
"Hey. Hey, don't cry." Dave got out of his seat and held Gill. "I'm not worth crying over." You are.
"I'm sorry. You still have to go," Gill replied, wiping away the tears. "I can't stand you at the moment." I can't stand that I still love you. I can't stand that you have this invisible hold over me.
"If we could sit down and work out where it went wrong, I'm sure we can make it work," Dave pleaded.
"I know where it went wrong. It was when you went off with her!" Gill spat back.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." He didn't mean to?! He didn't mean to have an affair? He didn't mean to break our marriage vows? He didn't mean to hurt me?
She blinked and turned to face the window so Dave wouldn't see the effect his words had on her. For the second time in ten minutes, she felt tears brewing. She didn't know why Dave's words made her cry. Maybe it was because he was showing kindness to her for the first time in ages. Maybe it was because of what he'd done to her. His words made her feel exposed and vulnerable. That was not the way she wanted to be seen. That was not the way you earned someone's trust and respect.
She walked into the kitchen to make a drink to try and calm herself. She hated that she wasn't able to control her emotions when she was around Dave. She could hear him talking to himself in the other room, asking himself why he was so stupid to destroy the best thing that had ever happened to him. It sounds like he's genuinely sorry.
Gill remembered what Janet had said when she told her Dave was at her house. 'Don't do anything stupid.'
Everything's a gamble, she thought. Love's the biggest gamble of all. Last time I gambled, I won for a while, then I lost. Big time. What am I gambling now? Another chance at happiness? A chance to make Sammy happy? A chance to make everything right again? Or another chance to get my heart broken?
She got her phone out of her pocket and text Janet. 'I'm sorry x' was all that she wrote. She longed for Dave. She longed for his touch, his smell on her clothes, his body around hers.
He walked into the kitchen and held her in his arms. Gill wondered if she was making the biggest mistake of her life - again. She looked up into Dave's eyes and he leant down to kiss her.
They didn't make it to the bedroom.
