I just finished the entire series today but I just can't stomach the end. This thought came to me a few hours ago and it just keeps nagging at me. I hope you all like it. This is told picking up after the Epilogue of Allegiant. If you haven't read it you may not want to continue as there will be spoilers.
"Tobias, come back to me," she whispers, her fingers ghosting along my chin.
But what she doesn't realize is that she's the one that has left me. I have become nothing but an empty shell of who I once was.
"I love you."
She says it so softly I'm not sure if it's part of the dream or if it's a distant memory messing with my mind. Her face grows dimmer as I am yanked back into consciousness and I fight the urge to cry. It's nearly impossible to carry a clear image of her into the waking world anymore. Slowly she is disappearing from my memory and I hate it.
I know I am completely awake when I see the plain white walls that surround me. The sunlight peeks through the curtains casting a thin ray of light across the floor. Closing my eyes I run my hands over my face, trying to push the dream away from me. I am useless if all I can think about is her.
My mind is pulled to a rustling downstairs and I can picture Christina bustling about the kitchen. After losing Tris I couldn't stand to be alone, and Christina was the only one that truly knew the depths of my loss, so we're roommates now.
The wood flooring is cold when I step onto it, making my toes curl in protest. I make my way slowly to the delicious smell and I can't help but notice just how stealthily I still move. Even after almost three years since the rebellion I find it hard to slip into any sort of ease in this new perfect world.
Christina is no different, and I make sure to make some kind of noise before entering a kitchen. She scowls at me as I laugh.
"What's so funny?" She asks, cocking one eyebrow up at me.
"I was just remember when we first moved into together, and I accidentally snuck up on you."
"You're lucky I didn't kill you with that knife, sneaking up on me like that." She taunts me, a smile playing on her own lips.
Am I? Is on the tip of my tongue, and she must realize it because the smile disappears just as quickly as it appeared.
"I could've taken you," I grumble to try to lighten the mood but I know the damage has been done.
We are silent for a moment listening to the sizzling grease as the bacon pops and fizzes.
"You look like shit." Christina finally says, sliding an egg onto a plate before turning a piece of bacon in the pan.
I watch her, silently, unsure of what to say.
"Was she in your dream again?"
She knows. She knows because ever since the first vivid dream of Tris has started occuring everything has changed. In my dreams I can't let go of the fact that maybe she isn't really gone, only to awaken to the same harsh truth everyday. Unlike what people may say, it hasn't gotten any easier. In fact it has probably gotten harder.
"She keeps begging me to come back to her." My mouth moves but the voice is not mine, it sounds like someone broken. Not like the strong person I once was.
Christina doesn't say anything but sighs loudly before pushing a plate of food in front of me.
"Maybe you should talk to someone about all of this."
"I'm not crazy." I growl, before taking a bite out of a piece of bacon.
"I'm not saying you are. But Four, it's been four years. This isn't normal." Her eyes are pleading with me and I know she's just concerned about me but that doesn't stop my anger from flaring. I shove my plate away from me before storming out of the kitchen.
I focus only on the familiar pounding of my feet against the pavement. I have taken this walk a million times. When I can't escape the feel of Tris' fingers on my skin and the fleeting image of her face I break into a run, desperate to find some solace. Maybe Christina is right.
When I get back things aren't tense between Christina and I, and I spend the rest of the day doing busy work until I can get back to sleep. Until I can get back to her.
I fall asleep immediately, but Tris isn't there right away like usual. Panic starts to well inside my chest when I consider that maybe she isn't coming this time. For a dream time seems to stretch on forever. I am just about to give up when I see her.
Her face is blurry, but she is even more beautiful than I remember. Her blonde hair is longer than before, but she has it pulled away from her face. It's not the way she once wore it as an Abnegation, but I can't quite tell exactly how she is wearing it.
I long to reach out, to run my fingers through the silky strands but I know that is not possible. Although she is able to touch me, I am never able to touch her in the dreams.
"Tobias," she whispers, a lone tear in her eye. It hurts to see her upset when I am unable to comfort her, "where are you? Come back to me."
I want to ask her what she means, but my mouth always fails me in these moments.
"Tobias," she says a little louder. Even though she just got here she is already starting to fade and it's as if she realizes it. "TOBIAS!" I swear she screams, but it comes through as barely a whisper, "this is a simulation."
More to come soon. If you liked it please review and let me know! Reviews encourage me to write faster :)
