Hi, all! This is a crack story. You'll find out why. I only own what I own.


Meadow was dead. Prowlus sighed at that, fingers pressing down upon the open lids of the dead cheetah to close them, the deceased covered in flecks of crimson blood and torn flesh. The younger cheetah had lacerating wounds and crushed limbs from powerful jaws. Indeed, Meadow's body was bloody and broken, but the most disturbing thing was that Meadow was murdered within his own tent. No one heard him scream. No one heard him call for help. No one heard anything.

Prowlus had several of his warriors keep the villagers from snooping, closing off the young male's home. Looking around, the chief had seen no sign of an attacker, though the home of Meadow was in disarray. The furniture was flipped, tapestries tattered and dinner plates shattered. And covered in blood, now in thick, drying gobs. The only thing that rose suspicion was a cabbage upon the floor, seemingly thrown in the far corner, leaves torn and stabbed with several eating utensils. And stained heavily with blood.

Were Prowlus to guess, Grumblins may have been the culprits, but they were eradicated along with Malefor. He would then guess Dragons, but he didn't see any scorch marks around. Those giant iguanas always seemed to belch fire wherever they went. In all his years of experience, Prowlus had no clue on how this tragedy could have happened. And that worried him.

"May you rest in peace, Meadow. I just pray you don't look like that in the afterlife." The dominant male sighed, ears flicking as he heard movement, and had turned towards the source, blade ready. He looked towards the corner, yet saw nothing. Just forks and knives laying abandoned upon the floor. And no cabbage.

He looked around, seeing the vegetable in the opposite corner. No utensils were now within it's layered green leaves.

Prowlus cocked his head, sword raised as he stood looking at the food good. It did not move.

"I must be going crazy..." The cheetah murmured, unsheathing his blade only to have the cabbage swivel towards him, causing him to rip out his blade once more, "What the-"

The vegetable lay motionless. Before it didn't. The cabbage began to ruffle it's leaves, a slit opening to reveal sharp and jagged row after row of bloodied teeth, as if grinning at the chief. At this point, Prowlus knew he had found the murderer. But how it could kill a six foot tall cheetah that could jump and run was beyond him. Until the cabbage defied the laws of physics and leaped into the air, gaping jaws opening wide to clamp on any mass of flesh it could find.

In shock, Prowlus barely had time to raise his blade, clipping the flying vegetable, green leaves flying as the cabbage began to lose control, spinning in the air hazardously. The green ball of damaged leaves fell to the floor with a thud, rolling to a stop, motionless. As much as a vegetable can be motionless.

Prowlus wiped the chopped leaves from his blade, watching the cabbage shake itself, as if to get its bearings before swiveling towards the cheetah once more. The chief scowled, "I fought butterflies tougher than you!"

At that, the vegetable's leaves shook in agitation, lashing out at Prowlus once more. Unfortunately, a vegetable doesn't have much control of itself in the air. If it did, it wouldn't have jumped right into the path of Prowlus' sword-which had severed the cabbage in half. Two halves of the green food flew in opposite directions, jagged teeth flying and leaves shredding. The roly poly horror had now lay upon the ground, dead.

"Hmph." The cheetah grunted, once more cleaning his blade, "Got to warn the village about this...wait...what's that noise?" He questioned, ears flicking towards screams outside. Swiftly did the male leave the tent, horrified to see the Cheetah Village set aflame, villagers panicking and being gnawed on by whole packs of cabbages, rolling and bouncing after their victims to spread terror. Talk about attack of the veggies. To make it worse, some cabbages were rolling and bouncing around on fire. Great.

Prowlus mustered his few remaining warriors to fight the roly poly monsters, wondering how all this happened. It was then he remembered they got a shipment of vegetables from an outside source. The goods were given away for free, and the origin of the products were never disclosed. He grumbled. He would never except the aid of strangers ever again. Now it was time to prepare some salad.

If Prowlus was going out, he was going out like a badass with a scowl on his face.


Death by Cabbage: The Fall of Cyrodiil inspired this crack story. I had it from a dream, and figured that it's so stupid I should write more, if only for my own sake. Chapters will be stupid and short. Thank you for reading!