Summary: AU. When Dean doesn't want Castiel anymore, it completely breaks the younger man's heart, and when Dean realises that Castiel is the one he truly wants, is it too late? Please R&R!
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or its characters.
A/N: I know people say not to write personal experiences into stories, but I think this is the only way I'm gonna get through this and express my feelings properly. I've just ended a relationship like this tonight (6/8/11) and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because I love the guy to death. I want to get over it and this is one of the only ways I think I can, since I'm in such a state I can barely breathe from crying so much.
Hope you enjoy.
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Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance
-One-
Castiel knew that he was in it for more than he was getting.
They'd arranged it as being just physical. Just sex. Nothing more, nothing less.
But Castiel wanted more. Of course he did. He'd been in a relationship with Dean Winchester three years before and it hadn't worked out, and they'd tried several times and again it hadn't worked out. Dean wasn't so good with comforting and with his feelings, and he couldn't prove himself to be there when Castiel had needed him the most, and boy, had he needed Dean.
The physical thing seemed to be working. To Castiel's parents, they were a couple, and Castiel's parents thought that Dean's parents knew, but John and Mary had no idea what was going on between Castiel and their son. Dean would sneak Castiel up to his room in the attic, they'd watch a movie, make out, and only recently had Castiel been confident enough to show his bare, naked form to Dean.
Castiel Novak wasn't confident with his body at all. He had a few scars he wasn't proud of and he was scared of being told he was ugly. Dean never really paid him any compliments or showed that much affection towards him but he was happy in their arrangement. They were getting closer and closer to actually having sex.
But now...
Now Castiel was staring at his cell phone in disbelief. He thought that Dean had been avoiding him and he asked, 'Do you want to see me anymore?'.
Dean had replied with, 'I don't know.'
Castiel cried. He, honest to God, sat there and cried. He loved Dean, for the fuck's sake. He loved him, and Dean knew that he was loved by Castiel, but all Castiel saw was that Dean had used him to get sex and to get laid, and that he'd had enough and that it wasn't good enough anymore.
So Castiel ended it.
He ended it and fuck, did it hurt to end it. But their relationship was so messed up that people had constantly said from the beginning, 'He's just gonna hurt you, Cas'. 'Just...Just be careful. Please, Cas.', 'He's not worth it, Cas, just get rid of him.' Holy shit, if Castiel turned round to half those people and told them to just get rid of their boyfriend or girlfriend, he knew not one of them could do it because they loved that person. It was just the same for him.
He felt tormented inside, completely ruined because of three words. He thought he meant something to Dean, that he mattered to Dean. He thought that by some miracle, Dean had endured some kind of epiphany and discovered some feelings for Castiel. They were both eighteen, consenting adults, and since their relationship at fifteen, Castiel thought that Dean had changed.
Good God, how wrong he'd been.
He sat in the bedroom he shared with his twin brother Jimmy, who was downstairs being smothered by his girlfriend Amelia, and he cried alone, tired and fed up of everything and everyone. His mother had seen him in tears, so she knew that he and Dean were over. That was hard enough, and it got to ten-forty-five in the evening and he heard Jimmy calling their dog, Buster, into the backyard for a pee before they let him get in the basket he had in the living room. Amelia was going to sleep on the couch and Jimmy, obviously, would go up to his room. And Castiel quickly checked in the mirror to make sure he didn't look like he'd been crying before Jimmy came up, because Jimmy wouldn't let it lie, and then Castiel would cry again. He was sick of crying over Dean Winchester.
They'd been seeing each other for three months casually and nothing had entered them into a relationship, and Castiel had prayed that from the physical, the emotional would follow, but Dean remained as emotionally constipated as ever and usually ignored Castiel's messages. Castiel knew deep down that the other boy would be celebrating. Thank God they'd left school. Castiel wouldn't have to face him in the same corridor. But the next day, he had his baby cousin, Anna's christening and he had to put on a brave face.
How hard was it going to be if somebody asked him, 'Now that Jimmy's found a girl, have you found a guy yet?'? He'd have to hear his mother whisper to people, 'Really, please don't ask him about partners, he broke up with his boyfriend last night.'. He wanted to focus on Anna so much because he loved her like crazy, but...But...Dean! Dean fucking Winchester was imprinted in his head and Castiel deep within him kind of hoped and prayed Dean would crawl back to him, because he wanted Dean to realise that what they had, and what Castiel was prepared to give to him wasn't a game and something to mess around with.
Trusting the person you love to take your virginity and knowing that they don't love you back had to be the toughest thing, Castiel thought. Having to lie there underneath Dean who kissed him, looked at him and held him like he loved him more than his own life was so damn difficult, but Castiel liked the contact and the closeness, and he liked making out with Dean. He liked sucking him off and jerking him off. He liked that being reciprocated. He liked falling asleep in Dean's bed in his arms and knowing that he'd wake up in the same place. But over and over again it played in his head.
It was only physical.
-TBC-
Hope you enjoyed.
Thanks for reading so far.
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