Speech in italics is in the past, the rest is Kono's notes on her memories, at the moment it is all Kono looking in the past of how these people have hurt her. I hope it's clear enough to read I think if I write any in present day I will give it a heading but that will probably only be the last chapter. It is diary entries.

Reasons

Chapter one- Ben Bass

I always thought we would be together forever. We were high school sweethearts as cliche as that sounds. Your mum used to talk to my mum in the playground of lower school. We would play at the beach and stuff our faces with ice cream and then we grew up. We didn't talk as much, we had new friends but then you joined my surf team. I remember the smile on your face when you saw me, and butterflies filled my stomach. You were cute, your hair had grown out and your skin tanned. You hugged me like we had never grown apart. We were fourteen, we were kids still but there was something there. You were my best friend Ben, the peanut butter to my jelly…everyone told us were looked good together, they would joke and say were were more than just friends and we would laugh it off. We remained friends for two years until we were sixteen. One night at the beach you kissed me on the cheek and we looked into each others eyes, hearts beating and then we kissed, on the lips for at least ten seconds. You were my first kiss and it was amazing. We went on dates to the movies or the local cafe, one of our mums would pick us up and we would sit in the back of the car, our fingers gently touching so our mums didn't see. You would kiss me on the cheek goodbye and leave until the next time we hung out. It was sweet and innocent and it worked but then I had my accident and I was suddenly no longer good enough for you.

I lay in the hospital bed, eyes bleary and cheeks blotchy. I had just had my knee operation two days after the accident. The words being said around me didn't even register. The moment the doctor told me I may never surf again I had blocked everything else out, nothing mattered anymore. I felt empty and numb. My knee throbbed. I remember my mum brushing my hair out my eyes trying to comfort me with words of encouragement, telling me she was proud but it didn't matter. I couldn't look at my mum. I was embarrassed, my mum had taught me everything there was to know about the surf and the water. I blinked back tears as the door opened.

You stood there Ben, stood in that doorway your mouth a gape as you just stared. My mum left us alone, she was mad that you left it so long to come see me…I wasn't mad, I was disappointed. You know one thing i've learnt over the last few months is disappointment is a much worse feeling than anger. Anger you get over, disappointment stay with you because you've let someone down. But you didn't seem to care. You walked over to me, hands in your pockets. Your hair was damp and I could smell the salt of the sea.

"You've been surfing" Kono stated

"Hmm yeah"

"Right"

"What Kono?"

"I've been in hospital for the last three days and you haven't been to see me once, not even a text and then you show up wet from the surf even though you know my surfing career is over" Kono snapped.

"You didn't expect me to give up on my career just because your is over did you?"

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Kono there was nothing I could do, I cant click my fingers and fix you" Ben argued.

"I didn't need you to fix things, I needed you to be there for me…I'm your girlfriend"

I remember your blank stare and the sound of you gulping, your Adam's apple bobbing. You were feeling guilty. I wanted you to hug me and kiss me and try to make me feel better even though it wouldn't work. But you didn't.

"I'm sorry Kono"

I didn't want to admit it but I knew you weren't saying sorry for abandoning me when I needed you, I knew we were over, I knew that it was a break up but it was to hard to accept it. You put that on me Ben, you kicked me when I was down and trampled on me until I was nothing. I cried so hard, I sobbed into that hospital pillow so much it was soaked through, I hiccuped and cried and prayed it was all a nightmare. I screamed in anger, my voice breaking through chocked sobs as my mum finally re entered the room and tried to calm me. Her comforting arms soothing me, holding me as I cried myself to sleep, the first of many tears filled sleeps.

I hobbled along the school corridor, my crutches uncomfortable under my arms as I tried to support myself. It was my first day back after a month away. My recovery was going well but not well enough. I hated the god damn crutches but without the obstruction I was in agony. Like someone was kicking my knee over and over. My knee throbbed as I tried to get into my locker one handed, balancing on my good leg.

"Ergh!"

"Hey Kono" Maya called as she joined Kono.

I remember looking round and seeing Maya, a sense of relief at seeing my best friend. Maya came to see me in hospital Ben…

"Hey"

"Let me help you"

"I don't want help"…how relatable this would become…

"Well i'm going to help you…hop along"

"Thanks"

"You know babe, I'm here for you, I cant imagine how you must be feeling, to have to go through all this with your knee and then everything with Ben"

I remember feeling confused and a sense of unease overcoming me…it felt like all eyes were suddenly on me, like everyone in the corridor had turned and stopped to stare and make me look the fool.

"Ben?"

"Yeah…"

"I broke up with me"

Mayas face was full of pitty, she knew more that I clearly didn't.

"Is that all he's said?"

My stomach dropped and I felt sick

"What Maya?"

"Maybe…"

"Maya!"

"He slept with Louise, after your accident"

It was like the accident happened all over again. The world falling down on me. Finding out the guy I had called my best friend for so long and shared so many memories with had dropped me for a girl I considered to be a friend. Was I not good enough for you Ben. Could you wait no longer. I would give you what you wanted so you got it elsewhere. I remember leaving Maya standing there as I hopped towards your class, the bell ringing and other students bumping into me, shoving me out the way but I persisted. I wanted to hear it from you.

"Ben!"

Looking back maybe it wasn't the best idea to scream your name down the corridor. Of course everyone would look.

"Kono not now!" Ben's begging was venomous as you whispered into my ear.

"Yes now…is it true?"

"Kono"

"Ben..did you seep with Louise?"

I remember how scared you looked, the guilt washing over your face.

"Yes"

My breath hitched when you said it. I almost needed to hear it again to believe you. I didn't want it to be true.

"Why" Kono's voice cracked as she spoke.

You pulled me to the side, the audience around us disappearing, they had heard enough to start the gossip. You leant towards me, looking me in the eye.

"I got bored…you were boring Kono, I didn't want you anymore, I haven't for a long time"

I left school early that day and went straight to the beach. It's my sanction, my inner peace. Despite what happened it was my safe place. I was broken and hurt, embarrassed. I heard people whispering as I left, my phone was blowing up with messages. You had broken my heart Ben. People were talking, you had been talking. Telling people I wasn't good enough, making a mockery of me. I was in pain, I was suffering and you made it worse.

"Kono?"

I looked behind me at the unfamiliar voice. The sun hid your face as you stepped forward but I recognised you.

"Adam?"