Welcome to the beginning of my new story I hope readers of old and new enjoy this little story I have wanted to write for a long time, but enough about that you want to get to the story so without further adieu let's begin the first chapter of Tinyhammer: Home Invasion.

Normal speech

Thinking speech

Orky speech iz bestest speech ya gitz

Daemon speech of Nurgle, Khorne, TzEeNTcH, and Slaanesh.


Chapter 1: House Warmer

Bellum IV, Aurora System, Malleus Sector, Segmentum Pacificus,

Cira. 893 of the 41st millennium

The Magos had studied the calculations now for the past five minutes, double and triple checking his calculations and the data he has gathered. His bionic optical sensors focusing and unfocusing on the data before him, after coming to the end of his calculations the Magos let out a low sound like steam escaping a tube as a way of sighing. "Shall I go and request a frigate for evac m'lord?" asked the Techpriset beside him, his voice monatoned and computerized.

"No, I have gone over the calculations, at most we have 20 terran minutes, it would be of no use we barely have enough time to relay this information to the other forces," the Magos answered his voice a low graded in sound, far more mechanical sounding than the younger techpriests.

"It has been the highest of honors serving under you m'lord, may we link up with the Omnissiah," said the Techpriest.

"May we link up with the Omnissiah," replied the Magos solemnly.

As the many battles raged on in the sky's, the lands, and the space of the Aurora system. The once yellow star of the system slowly turned and pulsated with white eldritch power, and within the span of 10 minutes, the entire star system is obliterated in one fell swoop. And another battle that began for little more than one world that had spread to the entire system ends not with roars of guns or the yells of victory, but with a whimper and without a trace.

OR DID IT?


Terra, Sol System, Sol Sector, Segmentum Solar

Circa. [Error] of the 3rd millennium

My name is Lucifer Jäger, and no that's not a stage name my parents literally named me that. This is why you should not be high while writing a birth certificate. Besides the naming habits of my parents, I am a 22-year-old living in the Midwestern city of Blackborow. And if you must know I am about 6'2, with black shaggy hair and currently sporting a goatee. I have a mild athletic build with a slightly tanned complexion.

I had just gotten back from my job over at a local retail firm and am about to enter my grandfather's summer home. A three story and a basement and a sub-basement home. That includes the attic by the way. My grandfather is one of the heads of a major corporation know as Tactica Tec, a security and arms manufacturer. And currently, I am watching his home while I attend the local university. I slowly walk up to the house as I see light flashing in the window. That's weird I didn't leave the TV on did I? I think. As I open the door a blur of fur runs past me and into the bushes.

"Buck the hell's gotten into you?" I question my dog. Buck is a good old mutt with short rust-colored fur with slightly darker fur around his eyes. Long thinly furred tail and slightly dropped ears. He's about the size of your average retriever, and currently, he's hiding in the bushes next to the house. "What's got you spooked boy, did I leave the TV on the military channel again?" I ask. Last time I did that he had ran halfway down the road before he realized he wasn't being shot at.

All he does is whimper at me as I head inside and what I saw made me question if I got slipped something at work. All around be muzzle flashes and beams of light were thrown about. Aircraft fighting near the chandelier and the booms of tanks and artillery could be heard. Flashes of explosions and screams of pain and anger could be heard throughout the house. At this point I grab my flashlight I keep next to the door, turn it on and yell out one phrase that gets everybody's attention.

"What the hell is going on here!" I yell as all fighting stopped.


"Sargent get on that heavy bolter and give those men some covering fire dammit," said Imperial General Warren Stance his gruff voice filled with determination. Stance is a tall clean-shaven man and the only blemish on his face was a three-clawed scar he had earned when fighting Dark Eldar Beastmasters. He was dressed in his general's attire complete with his large fur long coat, wearing standard green imperial guard fatigues, and black military boots. Equipped with his lightning claws and a storm bolter strapped to his left forearm. If the man old grizzled face did not convey the decades of service he has participated in, then the many metals and purity seals would.

Currently, the general was trying to get the vox network operational to help get in contact with the rest of his men. Ever since they were teleported to this Emperor damned place, they have not been able to contact the rest of the imperial guard forces. He knew his men were alive, due to seeing the flashes of lasfire off in the distance. When he and the Cadian 425th tried to cross these strange wood-like land they were ambushed by a Tau gun line stationed ahead with Kroot auxiliary nearby. Although the xenos scum had the advantage of distance the grooves of the land helped as impromptu trenches and if it's one thing the guard are good at it's holding their position and firing into the enemy. The enemy in a chase to try and get to a better position sent a rabid Great Knarloc to try and let the Kroot advance into melee. But the beast was put down with the combination of a lasgun fire to the face and a missile barrage from a Vulture strafing run. Some of the guardsmen advanced to the corpse of the beast to be the first to gain round, but are under fire from all sides and can barely fire back into the enemy.

"General we have successfully re-established vox communications with the rest of our forces, the Armageddon 213th and the Krieg 408th are positioned ahead of us and are currently boxed in by Dark Eldar forces," the Vox Operator continued. "They are being reinforced by the Sisters of the White Roses, they say they can hold out due to the Valkyrie bombing runs but their not sure for how long,". "Also the Catachan 56th are positioned in some area blocked off by what appears to be an invisible force field of some sort, they are currently defending against Orks as we speak," the Operator finished.

"It would seem we have our work cut out for us General," spoke the refined voice of Commissar Edward Ward. Commissar Ward had been with the general for years and had been somewhat of his personal right-hand man. He had been going up and down the line making sure the moral was at a decent level. "I would say we could use some mechanical support General, where are the Knights of the house of Lannister currently Operator?" he asked weiding his chainsword and firing his laspistol.

"I have raised them on the vox they say there about 20 clicks from our position, they are currently wading through a swarm of Tyranids," the operator said.

"You heard him men, the Knights are on the way all we have to do is hold the line," said Stance. "Sir yes sir," said the guardsmen before him in unison.

Suddenly there was a huge flash of light coming from their left and a distinctly human voice shouting, "What the hell is going on here!".


"Die xeno," shouts Willhelm Bleier, second brother-captain of the Imperial Fists as he bashes another Ork with his thunder hammer. He is clad head to toe in Imperial Fist Mk7 "Aquila" armor his helmet lost during the beginnings of the campaign. He and the rest of his brothers were in the middle of an Eldar ambush when the star had exploded engulfing them and sending them to this strange realm. The Eldar had disappeared and had been replaced by Orks, all in all not that big of a difference just replacing one xenos for another.

"Captain Bleier what is the situation," asked Ultramarine (Please save your rage for the review) Librarian Marcus Ultoris.

"Well mister high and mighty, we have been fighting these greenskin pansies for the last 20 minutes while you have been Allfather know's were you and the rest of your blueberry brigade where," spoke Wolf Priest Tyr Lothbrok, the marine currently cutting down another Ork with his axe and clad in terminator armor.

"Careful wolf or there will be more than xenos blood spilt this day," threatened Ultoris, the two of them holding contempt for each other since the beginning of the campaign.

"Please brothers we have bigger problems to attend to then fighting amongst each other," said Asad Ibn-La'Ahad, a Techmarine of the Salamanders.

"Asad is right we must focus on purging the heretics and xenos and finding the other imperial forces instead of…," before Blood Angels Apothecary Michael Garrett could finish a blinding light was shined upon them and a voice was heard saying.

"What the hell is going on here!".


"Autarch we have successfully retrieved our fellow warriors as well as the Bonesingers that were caught in the blast," reported a Dire Avenger.

"Excellent have everyone ready to head into the webway gate as soon as it is up then we can get out of this place, this battle is already far too costly for my liking," ordered Autarch Ilamoth and current commander of the warhost of craftworld Fari-Enad, as marked by his ornate grey encrusted with large ruby red stones at the joints of his armor. They were first tasked with simply hiding their craftworld from the mon'keigh so as to make necessary repairs. But then it seemed every single enemy of their past had come out to get revenge of some sort. First the brutish orks, then the immortal enemy, then the naive Tau and their dark brethren as well. And if that was not enough the great devourer and the Necrons had also appeared upon the same worlds they were on as well. Truly this had gone on for long enough and as well they needed to gain contact with the craftworld, they had been able to escape the blast due to the distraction Ilamoth's forces had caused but they have not heard anything from them since they have arrived here.

"Ilamoth I am sensing a great deal of psychic energy coming in close proximity to our location," said Fari-Enad Farseer Taenar currently without her helmet, her eyes glowing in psychic power and her long red hair moving slightly due to her power. Before Ilamoth could respond a loud and brutish sound of a mon'keigh voice was heard.

"What in the hell is going on here!".


I swear after I yelled that it seemed like you could hear a pin drop. But the newfound silence was gone as soon as I heard a voice with a bad cockney accent. "Oi ya 'der git, weez gonna smash ya gud, cumz on Boyz is'jus an' ova sized 'ummie WAAAGGH!" screamed a green little creature covered in metal plates. As the creature came charging at my foot his arm was apparently attached to a gun as I could feel twinges of pain against my leg. Little more than a mosquito bite but nonetheless annoying. So as soon as he got a little closer and tried hacking at my boot with an axe, I proceeded to lift my foot up and bring it down on the little bugger. A brief "O zog," was here by a following wet squishing sound.

"'E jus kilt Warboss Bad'axz," another of the green creatures said.

Before I could even question the creatures a metal robot about the size of a toddler walked out from the bathroom. "And just what are you packing tiny?" I question the metal toddler.

"A Mars pattened Plasma Destructor xeno," the toddler spoke through loudspeakers.

Wait what? I think as the weapon on its right arm charged up as a blue ball of plasma. The toddler fired its weapon and hit me the shoulder, I reeled back against the door and dropped my flashlight. The damned thing burned my skin and felt like it nearly took my arm off.

I upholstered my concealed cared 1911 and fired at the robotic toddler before it could charge up its weapon again. Click, ting, reload, I think as the first shot hit the thing but it seems that some sort of energy field was protecting it, although by how it was flicking I would say another shoot would take it out. Click, ting, reload, another hit and this time the force field goes down. Click, ting, reload, I hit it near its head and the thing comes back and I shoot again and hit its body and the thing falls over while trying to catch itself.

As I walk forward to the downed machine I see a tiny robot-like man step out of a hatch. "Stop we surrender, we are willing to begin negotiations," He said with his arms raised. Before I could ask any questions the man was tackled by a soldier in large yellow armor.


"What in the Emperor's name are you thinking Magos!" Ordered Captain Bleier.

"That weapon took out are void shields within a matter of seconds, not to mention almost ripping the titan's armor apart on impact do you really think we could stand ageist that think without an entire legion of Titans," replied Magos Alexander Tesla.

Bleier thought for a moment and looked warily at the giant xeno. "Fine Magos we will try this your way," replied Bleier knowing full well they had little chance of felling the beast.

"Excellent, now titan we ask you to let us begin negotiations," Alexander spoke to the Xeno through the vox speakers.

"Um sure we will begin negotiations at the dining table over there," the Xeno said pointing to the large plateau-like structure far from the entryway where the beast appeared. "Round up your forces and wounded and meet me there you have 20 minutes to do so," said the titan as he left into the chamber to his right.

"Do not be surprised if he plans on adding us to his stew cogboy," spoke Bleier warily.


After 20 minutes of gathering up the other forces around the house and threatening a few with my pistol, I had managed to get the "minis" as I had dubbed them unto the table. To say it was hostile was an understatement all the armies were looking at each other with suspicion and itchy trigger fingers. "Ok to start off I am Lucifer Jäger, and no before you ask that is not a stage name of any sort it was the name I was born with," I say to the minis as a lot of them either ignore it or are just confused by what I've said. "I'm gonna need to know who is in charge of each of you so will go from left to right so you guys first," I say and point to the guys clad in heavy armor and wielding guns bigger than most of the men next to them.

Five figures stepped forward each clad in different colors than the other. "I am Brother-Captain Wilhelm Bleier of the Imperial Fist legion and Force Commander of the Space Marines sent to hold the Aurora System," spoke the newly named Bleier.

The others soon stepped forward and stated who they are. The blue one spoke first his armor detailed and ornate with dozens of seals and scriptures on it. "I am Librarian Marcus Ultoris of the Ultramarines, lead expert on archaic tomes and warp phenomenon," Marcus said proudly.

The next was a large man wear wolf pelts on his much more bulky armor, he reminded me of a Viking. "Wolf Priest Tyr Lothbrok of the Space Wolves, don't wear it out titan" spoke the Viking esk marine, while rude I have dealt with worse.

The next was a tall figure clad in green armor but his had two large mechanical arms on the back and his helmet had a secondary visor over his left eye. "Techmarine Asad Ibn-La'Ahad of the Salamanders, please forgive my battle brothers they are just.." the green armored marine tried to say before I cut him off.

"Suspicious?" I answer and all he could do was nod in agreement.

The last of these 'Space Marines" was a man in mostly white armor with red accents, at best I could tell he was a medic although why a medic needs a drill as long as his forearm I don't know. "Apothecary Michael Garrett of Blood Angels chapter ready to perform the Emperor's duty," said Michael, short sweet and to the point I like him already.

"Our Current force is around 1,543 battle brothers at the ready," spoke Willhelm.

"Ok thank you for that now you guys," I spoke to the closest thing I had seen to a military that I was used too. Seven figures stepped forward,

"I am Imperial General Warren Stance of the 425th Cadian Shock Troops and lead commander of the Imperial guard forces of the Aurora campaign," said Stance. He then pointed to the group before him a man wearing a large overcoat and a vaguely Soviet esk hat his eyes looking over to the men in green armor as if waiting for one of them to try something, and a women dressed in a brown coat and holding onto a staff.

"These are Commissar Edward Ward who is in charge of moral and sanctioned Psyker Elisabeth Ripley here to send messages to the Adeptus Astra Telepathica," Stance said. The man nodded his head as to try and be polite and I returned the gesture.

Hello there, Mr. Jäger, I am Elisabeth and as I am a psyker I can communicate through thoughts, said apparently Elisabeth. Before I could question the other four figures stepped forward.

One that reminded me of a German WW1 soldier gas mask and all, another guy that looked like he was trying to be an American Vietnam-era soldier mixed with some Rambo, one that looked like a German soldier from WW2, and the last was a women in what would seem to be a mix of a flight suit and paratrooper gear.

They each gave a salute by either closing their fist and putting it to their chest or giving me the hand to forehead salute, while the women did a slight curtsey.

"Quartermaster Braun Feuer of the 408th Death Korps of Krieg, specializing in siege warfare," said the gas mask mook whose voice was severely distorted by the ragged gas mask.

"Tank Commander Albert Wittmann of the 213 Armageddon Steel Legion, in charge of all armored military vehicles of the Imperial Guard sir," he said in a formal military tone.

"At ease soldier," I tell him as to try and get him to relax. While he doesn't speak I do see him loosen up instead of being as stiff as a board.

"Wing Commander Alison Marley of the 105th Elysian Drop Troops, head of all air operations and infantry support," she said.

Next was the Rambo impersonator. He had it all from the red sash tied to his head to the open-chested ripped up military camo jacket, hell he probably would have past for Sylvester Salone if his skin wasn't bronzed. "Sargent James Henry of the 56th Catachan Jungle Fighters, I specialize in recon, tactical operations, and kicking Xenos ass," spoke James as he sharpened his knife that's damn near the size of his thigh.

"Currently are forces are about 3,456 men in total," spoke Stance as he lit a cigar

"Alright then next," I say as four figures approached. Two of them were wearing long coats and carrying pistols with them, one was male the other was female. The male had black slicked-back hair and sported a slight grin on his face. While the women had long black hair and sported a slight scowl as if detested by the man's presence. Next to them were a white-haired woman in armor and a larger being in full grey armor wielding a sword and a shield.

"I am Inquisitor Lasander Thawn of the Ordo Xenos and this is by associate Inquisitor Petra Dawn of the Ordo Malleus we hold power over the forces of the Deathwatch, Officio Assassinorum, and the Militarum Tempestus," spoke Thawn his voice high and mighty, cleary from a noble background.

"I am Canoness Victoria Argento of the White Rose chapter of the Sister of Battle, we are here to purge the unclean in holy fire" spoke Victoria, her voice proud and fanatical.

"I am Justicar Allan Mox, leader of the Grey Knights forces in the Aurora System," said Mox his voice synthesized by his helmet.

"All together are forces are around 1,254 in manpower," spoke Thawn

As I waved them away we came onto our next representative is from the guys who look like they came from a cyberpunk convention. "Greeting Lord Jäger, I am Magos Alexander Tesla of the Adeptus Mechanicus and I am in command of the forces of the Skitarii, Collegia Titanica, Centurio Ordinatus, Legio Cybernetica, and the Knight Houses," Alexander continued. "Our current forces are currently 568 troops in biological and cybernetically enhanced troops, counting in robotic assistants that puts us at 1,354 in total,". I nodded and motioned the next to step forward.

Three new beings came forward two bearing a grey and red color scheme while the last was wearing blue and light purple in what could be comparable to a jester outfit if it wasn't for the long coat and purple sash. "I am Autarch Ilamoth leader of the warhost of Fari-Enad and this mon'keigh is Farseer Taenar," spoke Ilamoth with a high and mighty tone.

Did he just call me a monkey? I slightly question in my head.

Yes, that would be an apt translation, speaks a voice on my head.

Let me guess you're the Farseer, I think.

Very good mon'keigh, I had not realized you're kind could understand the process of elimination, she spoke to me sarcastically.

"Alright you little shits we stop with the whole mon'keigh crap now or do we have to negotiate by cruder means," I say as I place my 1911 on the table.

"Fine mon..I mean human," the Autarch corrects himself.

"And you would be?" I ask the circus performer.

"I am Solitaire Idego leader of this troupe of Harlequins," he said through his mask, in all honesty, the guy creeped me out a little.

"And we currently have around 1,204 (Dying race my ass) Eldar in total," spoke Taenar this time out loud.

"Ok then who's the leader for you guys," I say pointing at the green creatures that had first attacked me. I had to originally round them all up and smash a few that were being a bit rowdy. But like machines, a little percussive maintenance can do wonders for organic beings as well. One of the guys was pushed towards the front and left to say.

"Uh dat would be ya boss," the one pushed up to the was much like the rest he had crude red and black slabs of metal for armor and was carrying around the most ramshackled gun I had ever seen.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask.

"What the Ork means is that since you have killed their warboss and some of the others that tried to be warboss, you are now their warboss," Willhelm shouted from the rest of the space marines.

"Right like 'da 'umie said sense yer smash 'da otha Boyz up yer iz now 'da boss," said the Ork.

"Hmm what is your name," I question the Ork.

"Lead'end Skullmuncha" said the Skullmuncha.

"Well Skullmuncha since you have been so helpful I am gonna make you my second in command, which means when I'm not around your in charge of the rest of the boys understand," I say.

"Ya mean i get ta be 'da boss too," he asked like a kid getting told he's about to get that toy he has been begging for.

"Yep as long as you know who is in charge got it," I say threateningly as to get the point across.

"I understandz boss, yer da boss," Skullmuncha says.

"Good is their anyone else in your group I should know about?" I ask the Ork.

"Jus Dok Bonetrashah, an' Mekboy Smatgrom, an' Weirdboy Killboila, an…," before he could continue I interrupted him before were here all day.

"Alright, I get it now how many of you are there?" I ask.

"'Der only wun uv me boss," he says.

"No, I mean how many Orks are there?" I ask.

"Oh 'der a lot us," he says.

I facepalm. "Ok super helpful now why don't you go back to the rest of the boys while I finish up with this," I tell him and he walks back over to the rest of the Orks.

"Who's next?" I ask as two figures walk over. One is inside a large mech suit and the other an old looking blue alien holding a staff and dressed in ornate robes.

"Greetings Gue'la I am Aun'O Mal'caor but you may call me Spider and this is Shas'O Shaka or in your language Commander Shadowstrike," says Spider as he points to the large yellow and white armored figure.

"Greetings human, there are currently 1,593 warriors of the Tau empire here," says Shadowstrike

"Greetings as well it's nice to have see some of you can be civil, now onto the next representative," I say as Spider and Shadowstrike leave and are replaced by a giant four-armed bug lizard, a four-armed hairless creature with a bulbous head, and a bald dude with a staff and ornate red robes.

Seriously what is with all the high-end decorative crap, I think being tactical would be better than being fashionable, I think.

"Greetings Lucifer, I am the Magus but if you would like you may call me Lucas, I help shepherd the Brood," said Lucas in a silvery tongued preacher voice.

"Uh-ha and these two would be?" I say pointing to the two whatever the hell these things are.

"This is the Patriarch he is the leader of the Brood and this is the Swarmlord of Hive Fleet Tannin," Lucas counties. "There are 3,489 of the combined forces of the Tyranids and Genestealer Cult as the Imperials have decided to call us," He says as the Swarmlord lets out a screech of what I can assume is acknowledgment. Speaking of which the thing is wielding four large crystal like swords and is colored orange on its outer carapace and dark blue on its inner, with glowing yellow eyes.

"Ok then to save time I refer to the swarmlord as Tannin," I say as the newly named Tannin just walks away as if in agreement.

As I am about to call for the next a single Egyptian like metallic skeleton with glowing green eyes, a scaly cloak, and wielding a staff that has one end pulsating green energy appears in a flash of lighting. "I am Phaeron Sahumkah human, there are currently 1,438 Necron and Necron platforms online," Sahumkah says as he disperses back into the newly named Necrons in another flash of green lighting.

"Okay then on to the next group," I say.

Two figures walk over one a dark black armor with spikes on his soldiers, no helmet so I can see his pale face and long black ponytail. The other is s a male I think it's hard to make out with the three slitted white mask, he also has to artificial arms that appear to look like bones and one of his hands has a series of syringes on it each syringe containing different colored liquid. "I am Archon Drara and this is Haemonculus Ourabros of the Dark Eldar Kabal of the Envied Heart, currently we have 1,325warriors at Our disposal," he said impassively like this was a mere distraction from better tasks.

"Alright then on to the last group,"

Five figures step forward all clad in armor similar to the space marines. One blood red in color and covered in spikes, another more regal looking wearing blue Egyptian themed armor. The third was a little disgusting, to say the least, he looked like he had been rolled through a dumpster and dipped in a waste facility. The fourth was clad in purple ornate armor with golden trims, but that's where the beauty stopped for his face was mutated and had two large purple horns growing out of it as well as his skin being a purplish hue. And the last was clad in black armor with a large eight-pointed star in the middle.

"I am Lord Zythor, Dark Apostle of the Word Bearers Legion," spoke Zythor, his voice deep and gruff. "With me are Plague Champion Kregral of the Death Guard," Zythor said pointing at the green disease ridden marine. " Daemon Prince of Slaanesh Chenmus of the Emperor's Children," he said pointing to the mutated purple marine that had been staring at me with predatory eyes. "Sorcerer Malmek of the Thousand Sons," he said pointing to the blue Egyptian esk marine. "And finally we have Chaos Lord Rudel of the World Eaters," he said pointing to the last of the five and the most twitch of them all. "In total, we have around 1,483 heretics, mutants, and demons at our beck and call," he finishes as he and the other four return back to the rest of their faction.

"Ok now that that's over with, can any of you tell me how the hell you got here?" I ask. Big mistake cause as soon as I did it was one big argument over who brought who here. This is gonna be a long night, I thought


Welp this chapter is done, I really hope you guys like the story. I know this first part wasn't that interesting, but we have to introduce the characters now so we don't have to do this exposition bullshit later.

But don't worry the next chapter I will try and make as funny as possible. In all honesty, I have always wanted to do one of these stories, I loved about every Tinyhammer I have ever read. And I think a tiny part of ourselves would love to be in this scenario.

But until next time stay classy true believers.