This is the first time he has taken a vessel. It makes him feel so much bigger and so much smaller. It is an incredible feeling.
When Castiel first touched the Righteous Man in Hell, he had been lost.
(That is what his siblings think.)
Dean Winchester is so much more than anyone thinks.
(especially himself.)
He cannot see the way Sam looks up to him, even now. He cannot see the way his friends and family are willing to help with anything and everything. He cannot see that if he would simply ask, they would stand beside him, no matter what.
And it makes Castiel's chest hurt.
(He briefly wonders what this new feeling is called, but pushes the thoughts aside. He has work to do.)
Dean doesn't believe in God.
He doesn't believe he deserved to be saved.
And Castiel cannot understand why.
Dean is flawed- he is human, of course he is, but he is so-
Castiel doesn't have words for what he thinks Dean is.
Dean is so much more-
He is-
In Hell, the thing that allowed Dean to hold on for so long was Sam. The thought of Sam and the memories of their childhood. The pain in Sam's eyes when he watched his brother die, the last thing Dean saw before he opened his eyes to meat hooks and torture.
When Castiel first touched him in Hell, theses are the things he saw.
And he finds it hard to understand how Dean loves Sam the way he does.
Sam isn't like Dean, he doesn't have the undying loyalty or the agonizing sense of duty like Dean does.
Castiel cannot understand why Dean thinks so highly of him.
Sam Winchester is an abomination, he is tainted with the blood of a demon and he is a ticking time bomb, but he has the purest heart Castiel has ever seen.
The contradiction confuses him, but he accepts it more and more in the rare moments he sees Sam laugh.
As time goes on, he begins to understand why Dean loves him the way he does. The way Dean always puts Sam before himself.
Sam is the kind of person you want to keep safe from the horrors of the world. He is the kind of person you know you can trust with everything, he is the kind of person you want to one day become.
The Winchester Boys are amazing. They are forces of wild, uncontrollable nature that sweep through people's lives and change them- sometimes for the better, sometimes not.
They certainly change Castiel's life.
He becomes Cas and he gains a place in their hearts.
And for the first time, he understands why humans kill for love.
(It would destroy him to lose this feeling).
It is cold when Dean sits on the hood of the impala next to him.
They brush shoulders and say nothing.
But it is enough.
"Dean? Can you come and get me?"
"Sure Cas. Where are you?"
"I- I'm not sure."
"You ok?"
"I've... I've fallen, Dean."
It's dark at night in their motel room.
Sam is asleep in the bed furthest from the door and Dean is pressed up against Cas's back, closest to the door.
He is awake and staring at the floor.
He misses his siblings.
(He wishes that he could go back to when he was young, back to when his siblings had always been there, gentle guiding hands and simple encouragements. Back when this feeling first bloomed in his chest and he knew where he was suppose to be and what he was suppose to do.)
(He wishes for the once familiar simplicity of his existence, back when he was not among the fallen.)
Dean's hands are rough and he is frantic. He pushes and pulls and begs and curses- god and everyone- and he screams.
"Sam. No, God, Sam. You're gonna be ok. We're gonna fix you up and you'll be fine. Sammy? SAM!"
Castiel wishes he had never fallen, maybe then he could have prevented this.
Dean doesn't speak for a long time after Sam's death.
He hunts and eats and breathes.
(But Cas knows that he wishes he would stop breathing, wishes he could join Sam in death.)
He knows that Dean blames himself.
And it breaks his heart.
The first time they kiss, it's a harsh press of mouth against mouth, teeth clinking and blood drawing.
Cas clings to Dean after and Dean says nothing.
He just presses a kiss to his hair and holds him.
Dying hurts worse than anything else. (Except maybe the burn of his lost wings.)
But looking into Dean's eyes as the life leaves him?
It hurts so much more.
"Cas? C'mon buddy. I need you. Please, Cas?"
There's a flash of green eyes and freckles and then darkness.
Cas thought he would end up in Purgatory after his death, but he is back in Heaven.
Sam is smiling at him, his arm wrapped tightly around a young woman-Jessica.
"Hey Cas. This is Jess. Jess, this is Cas, yeah, the Cas I was telling you about."
Heaven is so much brighter with Sam and Jess.
Dean joins them shortly after.
The look Sam shoots him is hard, but Dean merely shrugs and wraps Cas in his arms.
"Hunting accident, Sammy. Hey Jess! How're you?"
It is nice in Heaven, with the Winchesters and the Singers and the Harvelles and so many other hunters and friends and-
When Castiel first touched the Righteous Man in Hell, he had been lost.
(That is what his siblings think.)
But the truth is simple: when Castiel first touched the Righteous Man in Hell, he had been saved.
He has a name for this feeling now.
He sees it in Sam's laugh, in Jess's smile, in Mary's knowing grin, in John's smirk.
He sees it in the way Bill holds Ellen and Bobby holds Karen.
He feels it in the way Dean's arms fit around his waist like they were always meant to be there.
It's called belonging.
Castiel understands why humans fight so harshly for the ones they love.
He would give his life a million times over to protect those he loves.
He gets it now.
Unbeta'd. Please review and tell me what you think! Thanks for reading!
