First, thank you very much for choosing to read this story. I really appreciate it and I hope you like it.
Second, for those who have put me on Author Alert thanks very much. My story for The Hunger Games Real or Not Real? will soon be updated. Sorry, currently dealing with loss of eye sight.
Just a warning this will be a very angst filled story, but there will be moments of fluff or even lemony goodness. But this will be inside the head of a very depressed individual. Some of her actions will seem off the wall, but as the story goes on you will understand why.
Warning: This story will touch on sex, drugs, traumatic experiences, abuse, and people dealing with depression and Post Traumatic Syndrome.
This story was previously featured on my old account. I wrote it years ago, so I have changed some things and edited my mistakes. I actually had a lot of reviews for this story, so hopefully that will be the case again.
Anyway, thanks so much for reading. Please Review and place me under your Author Alert.
Chapters will be updated weekly.
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Hope you enjoy!
Some things never change. The weather in Forks will never change. Charlie's nightly routine of surfing cable sports programs and then falling asleep in his recliner will never change. High school will never change. Ever.
The thing is…I have changed. My whole perspective on life has changed. I lay in bed musing over all the differences as the early morning started to bathe my room in subdued gray light. I hadn't been in school now for several months. Ever since…
I pushed myself off of the bed. It had been seven and half months since I had walked the halls of Forks high school. I traced the long scar on my right arm. I had many scars now. I had always been prone to the physical evidence of my clumsiness, but these scars weren't necessarily my fault. I rubbed my eyes and thought, 'It really was no one's fault'.
Sure, people gossiped for the longest time that my father was going to sue Tyler Crowley for damages, but it never happened. It wasn't his fault that his tires hit a patch of black ice and I was in the way. I would have never let blaming Tyler for everything continue, even if I was half unconscious most of the time. I swallowed down the memory of the metal taste in my mouth from all the morphine I had been on that had made my brain almost melt with its effects.
I extended my arm out as far as I could stretch still feeling the soreness and stiffness. The wound had been extensive, even cutting an artery. I had finally gained full range of motion again, but it didn't come without pain. I had healed almost miraculously Dr. Cullen had said. I didn't feel like a miracle as weak as I still was.
I still remember the news crew from Seattle that showed up to cover the story. I never granted an interview, but still they persisted. I didn't understand the attention, and didn't want to participate in it.
I am reminded often by the townspeople who had prayed for me when the two churches in town held vigils for me, as if they had contributed to my recovery. They had vigils for a girl they hardly knew. Sometimes I wondered what went through their minds asking some power above to heal me. What did they see as healed? Was the difficulty I experienced everyday what they expected their God to be okay with?
They pitied me for my youth, and settled on caring for me because I was Charlie's daughter. I'm sure their prayers were vague and generalized at best since when the accident occurred I had only been in town for three weeks.
And it had been a strange three weeks at that. Arriving at school with everyone tailing me like I was a rock star was very awkward and enormously uncomfortable. Of course there was one person who didn't seem to care at all. Well, at least at first.
I shook my head trying to stop the line of thinking I knew was coming. It was dangerous for me to think about him right now. It was also very stupid and disappointing when I realized what I was doing. The way I thought about Edward Cullen was more like fantasying than anything else. How much of an idiot would I look if he ever found out?
I maneuvered my body to the edge of the bed. I was always in so much pain in the morning, and I was feeling it acutely as I put both feet down. Both of my legs had been broken, but my left leg was worse since my left foot had also been fractured. That was only the beginning of my injuries I had sustained. I had fractured my arm and collar bone on my left side, along with the deep gash I had on my right forearm. I had broken ribs as well and had fractured my skull.
These kinds of things were expected with being hit by a car. Well, I suppose it was a van. Tyler had received it as a hand me down when his mom bought a sedan. It was a big blue van. I've heard though that the wonderful townspeople have discussed the incident so much that the van changed into a bus. I can see the jokes now.
"Man, I feel like I've been hit by a bus. You know, like Bella Swan."
I glared at the cane next to my bed thinking over the rumor mill that still prevailed, and also my total bitterness of having to use the damn cane. Then I looked down at the black boot, or leg brace, I had to wear on my left leg. I had managed finally to get out of wearing the boot on both legs since my right leg healed so well and was only minimally damaged, but the left one had caught a lot of the impact. The boot was so suffocating that I had been leaving it off when I slept. The cane and the boot embodied my hatred of the entire situation I had been forced to endure.
I had been on crutches a month ago and in a wheelchair before that. Yeah, that had been fun in Charlie's small two story house. I was carried upstairs by Charlie or...
No, I'm not thinking about that. I should be grateful that I had graduated to the damn cane and boot, but I hated it. I hated this whole situation. I took a deep breath trying my best to not be resentful.
I grabbed the cane and steady myself as I stood up. I could wait to put the boot back on when I was done with my shower. Walking was still close to excruciating, but I refused to be beat. I started the trek to the bathroom. Even though it was only ten feet from my bedroom door, it still felt like a journey. It was slow and arduous.
I would never take for granted the ability to take a shower by myself again. I had been receiving help from Alice Cullen since the beginning of my ordeal. She even had helped give me sponge bathes when I was in the hospital for two weeks. Of course that only reminded me of who else had been there with her.
I sat down in my shower chair harder than I should have, and grabbed my shampoo bottle and squeezed a good amount out, perhaps too much. I practically slammed the bottle down and started lathering my hair up.
"Your hair is so soft." I heard him breathe into my ear. The motions of my hands froze. They stayed suspended as I felt a distinct shiver go down my back. I heard those words so clear I could have sworn he was in the shower with me. The thought made my skin turn bright red.
I could still recall completely the memory of the day he had said that. I allowed myself this one luxury, this one quiet torture. Not all my memories of Edward were sweet, but this one had been.
He stood by my bed side brandishing a hairbrush. His smile stretched across his face, and I wondered what cheered him so.
"Nurse said I could help." He suddenly exclaimed as he fidgeted nervously with the brush.
I looked at him completely baffled. Was he expecting to brush out my hair? He acted as if he was a child that had been allowed to finally help with an adult chore. Surely it was an act on his part to make me feel better. No one relished in taking care of an invalid.
"What do you mean?" I tried not to appear rude, but my confusion made my words sound sharper than I would have liked.
"She said I could help you sit up and brush your hair for you." He replied almost sheepishly. I could see why. What a mortifying and humiliating situation to put us in!
It was impossible to think that he would want to go through this rat's nest or that he had volunteered to. The nurse must have been out of her mind.
"Oh. Where's Alice?" I had learned to depend on Alice even though my first reaction was to push my every limit of independence.
"She's back home for awhile. She'll be back soon. It's just us right now."
After he said that his breathing seemed to stall out. Oh God, how uncomfortable he must feel? He must think I would ask him to do something to help me. Something he shouldn't have to do. He had already saved my life. Wasn't that enough?
"Don't worry about it, Edward. I can wait for Alice." I assured him with a soft smile.
"No its okay-" He started but I cut him off.
"Really I'll wait. You don't have to. I won't ask you to take care of me like that."
He looked down at the brush and pulled hard on the bristles. He took a deep breath and then blew it out with a huff.
"I want to, Bella." His eyes shot up to me, and I felt them pierce me through as if they were weapons of silent persuasion. He had to know his power over me. He had to be aware that look was all he needed to use in order for me to crumble.
"Alright." I whispered back, unable to use a tone higher.
As soon as he had my permission he arranged a chair beside the bed so when I turned I could keep my damaged legs elevated. He placed the brush on the night stand, and then came close to my side and worked the bed to I sat up at a better angle. The bed brought him closer, and I tried to conceal the fact that I was salivating at his proximity and his scent that now surrounded me.
"Are you ready?" He asked in a quiet tone. His smile was gone and was now replaced with something I could not name or understand.
I honestly couldn't comprehend why Edward hung around me at all, especially now when he didn't have to. Alice could care for me, and I had a whole hospital of nurses. It's not like we had had an exceptional friendship before the accident. In fact, we had just started to get along. Why was Edward Cullen giving a crap about me? I wondered this as I nodded to him telling him I was ready.
He wrapped his arms around me, and I snaked my arms around his neck. I wanted to desperately pretend that this was some lover's embrace, but unfortunately it was just him helping me sit at the edge of the bed. He lifted me without me really putting any effort into helping. When I was sitting straight up I winced at the pain from my side. I had a couple of ribs broken, and the best Dr. Cullen could do was tape them.
"Oh God, did I hurt you?" Edward questioned frantically.
"Huh? No. It's just my ribs." I said as I pointed to the offending body part and he nodded minutely.
He then picked up my legs gently and scooted them on the chair to rest. I thanked the heavens that I had kept my blanket over me because my nightgown had hiked up with the movement. I was just glad they let me have my own nightgowns. You know the ones that close in the back.
"Are you comfortable?" Edward asked politely.
"Yes, thank you." I replied with a smile. He grinned back at me almost as if proud.
"Great."
He picked up the brush again and rounded the bed to sit behind me. He sat down and I felt his leg against my backside effectively making me blush and my breath to come out a lot quicker. His fingers grazed against my skin as he gathered my hair at my neck. I felt goose bumps where his touch had just been. He ran the brush though my hair several times occasionally touching my bare skin. Whenever this would happen I would hold my breath hoping he wouldn't notice.
He took a lot longer than Alice or nurses had ever taken, and I found myself closing my eyes and enjoying every second of it. He put down the brush. I thought he was done, but then suddenly his hands were running through my hair. He would start from the top of my head to the very bottom of my mane where it almost touched the bed. He would play with it, picking it up and pulling it together. I begged my throat to not make the humming sound it badly wanted to make.
"Your hair is so soft." He breathed out.
My eyes flew open. I couldn't help but be the over analyzing female at that moment wondering what he meant by that. What did it mean that Edward was voluntarily brushing my hair or that he was seemingly enjoying it? I swallowed hard trying to calm down any thoughts or daydreams that were suddenly uncontrollable.
He picked up the brush again and removed a hair band from the handle. He started brushing my hair into a pony tail with more expertise then I would have expected. I gently giggled despite myself.
"What are you laughing at?" He sounded amused. I let myself laugh a little before I answered.
"I just didn't realize that guys knew anything about girls' hair." I chuckled a little bit more, and Edward joined me.
"Well, when you spend half your life with Alice as her guinea pig you learn some girl stuff." He responded back with a sarcastic tone.
"Oh please, don't tell me you know how to put on makeup better than I do." I said back to him trying hard not to laugh but failing.
Alice and Edward had started out at Carlisle and Esme Cullen's house as foster mates. Their brother Emmett had already been adopted by the couple the year before. Alice and Edward were close after spending a substantial amount of time together in the same facility before ending up at the Cullens.
Alice's parents were both dead so her adoption into the Cullen family had been swift and easy. Edward, however, still had a living father and he was technically just a foster kid in the family. But the Cullens and Edward didn't look at it like that. Edward considered the Cullens his family above the one he had in the past. The family was more than happy to see him as their son and brother.
"HaHa." He said wryly. "No. I wasn't that much of a pushover."
I knew that Edward had often placated his beloved sister by opting to cheer her up at any cost, even if that included her picking out his clothes or dragging him around shopping. He was very selfless in that way with her. Even though he loved the Cullen family, he was absolutely devoted to Alice. He would probably burn the world for her, and I ached for him to feel the same or more for me.
While I almost lamented the fact that I could not be any closer to Edward than as a friend he would probably never be enamored with, I felt him move. He sat down beside me on the bed and looked at me intently.
"Anyway, you don't need any makeup." He said softly. At first I was shocked and could only stare back at him, but then my face lit up with my smile being bigger than the Cheshire cat. I turned away from his gaze. He touched the top of my head where my hair was pulled into a pony tail.
"Is it okay?" His hand trailed down my hair, and then he pulled it away placing it on his lap. My good hand flew up to my hair and felt around to make sure there were no chunks missing from the hair band. He had actually done a very good job, probably better than I could on my best day.
"Yeah. It's perfect." He seemed relieved that I approved. "Maybe you should stop dreaming about being a musician and look into a career as a hair stylist." I joked with him.
"Yes, I'm sure Alice would approve of that, but I wouldn't get as many girls." He countered back with a wicked smile.
"I would still go out with you." I blurted out before I could catch and rearrange my tone into a kidding one. Could I have sounded any more desperate?
"Oh. I mean…uh…" I couldn't even finish the sentence. I just turned beet red and looked away.
"Well the musician thing probably won't work out anyway." Edward said lowly as he put his hands on the bed, slightly touching my thigh.
"What do you mean?" I said genuinely concerned. He had told me it was his dream, and Alice had informed me that he was a very proficient and beautiful pianist. What would hold him back from that certain future?
"Carlisle thinks I should go to school for something…medical." He almost choked on the word. "Since he's graciously footing the bill for me to go to any kind of college, I kind of feel obliged to listen to what he suggests. I mean it's the least I can do."
Edward felt very thankful to Carlisle and Esme for how they had basically saved Alice and him. He had often expressed that he felt guilty about the fact he could never pay them back.
Considering Edward as a doctor, I thought about how he had saved my life in the parking lot the day of the accident. He had held my arm making a tourniquet from his own belt to stop me from bleeding out. How many seventeen year olds knew to do that?
"You could be really good at that." I nudged him so that he understood why I thought so.
"All because I know first aid because my Dad's a doctor doesn't mean I will be good at anything medical, Bella." He said it in such a self deprecating way. My heart hurt thinking about how he seemed to look at himself. If only he saw what I did.
"You don't have to feel responsible to what Carlisle might think is best for you. You have to follow your own heart. I think you would be wonderful at anything you choose to do, Edward. I have faith in you." He looked at me with shining, sad eyes.
How many people had said that to Edward? Maybe Carlisle? Surely Alice had. But when he looked at me at that moment it felt like I had been the only one to see and profess the potential I knew Edward possessed.
"Thank you." He whispered quietly.
He didn't look away, and I couldn't feel my embarrassment creep up on me. It was only me and him, and I felt he could see right through me. I almost thought that he could see exactly who I was and what I felt for him. I wanted to believe it looked like he was okay with that. I wouldn't dare to let myself hope that he returned the feeling.
"Okay! I'm back with fresh nightgowns and mocha frappacinos!" Alice burst into the room effectively ruining our moment. I loved my new best friend, but I silently cursed her just then. Edward jumped up from his place on the bed, excused himself, and then was out of the room in twenty seconds flat as if he was a spooked animal.
"What was all that about?" Alice asked me as I still stared out into the direction he had fled.
I pulled the curtain back after I was done with my shower, and gingerly stepped out. I toweled off still thinking about one of the better memories I had of Edward. I found myself smiling when I thought how we had first met. So much had changed since then. But at the same time Edward seemed so distant to me still.
Now his distance wasn't only the defense he put up, but true terrible physical separation. I would rather he be here ignoring me so at least I knew he was okay. I couldn't expect such a small mercy anymore I suppose.
