*AN. Usual disclaimers apply. I own nothing Alias related. The
characters belong to ABC and JJ.
This is a song fic set to My Immortal by Evanescence. I'm sure there have been
fics using this song before, but I had to get it out of my system anyway. It is
Vaughn, talking to Sydney at her grave.
***********************
I'm so
tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Sydney, after you died, I didn't know what to do. I became half a man. I didn't
know how to live my life without you. You were my life. You were my soul. How
do you live without your soul? It's not really living like that, you know. It's
just being. And I don't want to be here without you. I don't know how to be at
all anymore.
These
wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
It hurts so badly, Syd. I never thought that it was possible to feel this way.
It hurt when my father died, but that was different. I lost my life when you
died. How can I live without my life? Time has passed, but the pain has never
subsided. I still feel as if I lost you only yesterday.
When you
cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Do you remember all of those times that you came to me? I was always there for
you, Syd. I always tried my best to make things better. When you were hurt, I
was there for you to have a shoulder to cry on. When you had bad dreams at
night, I always held you until you calmed down. I bet you didn't even know that
I did that. I would have done anything for you. I'll always belong to you.
You used
to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
The first time I saw you, with that Bozo hair, I thought you were insane. Truly
insane. But, slowly, I got to know you. You were such an amazing person,
Sydney. You brought life with you wherever you went. You gave me a new life,
one that I never knew existed. But, then you left me here alone. How am I supposed
to do this alone, Syd? I don't know if I can. I have nightmares at night about
your death. I used to have such wonderful dreams about us, about our future.
Now, I just hear your screams resonate in my head. I wake up sweating and out
of breath, hating myself for not being able to save you. I hear your voice, you
know. It's as if you're standing right here beside me. And it's slowly driving
me mad.
These
wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
It's been a long time now, Syd. It's not getting any easier. I have to remind
myself to breathe. You are still here with me, right beside me. You're so
close, yet I can't see you or touch you. I would give anything to hold you
again, to know that you are really here.
When you
cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I would still be here for you, Syd. You know that. I would be your lover, your
heart, and your strength. Whenever you needed me, and even when you didn't, I
would be there. Well, I'm still here Syd, even if you're not. I'm just living
in a state of limbo, trying to stay alive. Sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I
want to join you. The only thing that keeps me from that is knowing that you
wouldn't want me to give up. But, I'm still yours, Syd.
I've
tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though your still with me
I've been alone all along
I lie to myself all of the time, simply pretending that you are here and none
of it happened. At first, I tried to tell myself to move on because you were
gone. The Sydney that I knew and loved, yes loved, would never come back. You
were dead. It didn't work. You were still right there with me, every second of
every day. But, Syd, you're not here and I'm alone. I've been alone since you
left. Even when I'm with friends or family, I'm not really there, because, lets
face it, you can't really be anywhere unless you're alive. And I'm not. I just
exist.
When you
cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've pretended to move on, Syd, but I haven't. Not really. I've gotten married,
and even though she is a lovely woman, she is not you. It's not fair to her
really. But, she knows about you. She knows and she accepts it. She lost
someone too, you know. That is why we understand each other. I'm still alone,
though. I'm alone because there was only one person who could make me whole. No
matter what, Syd, I'm yours. I will never forget you, for you are always going
to be with me. I love you.
