Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Summary: A little prank on our favorite Potions Master and its results. Pure random crack.

A/N: While I try and get Hari and Draco to go with the storyline (they wanna kill waaaay too early XD) here's a little thing I wrote while bored.

Ode to Batman, or, Of Revenge and Potions Masters

"I dunno..." Harry mused. It makes it rather obvious who did this, doesn't it?"

"Nonsense!" declared Ron. "It's perfect for the greasy git!" The redhead cowered under his girfriend's glare.

"'My name is Severus Snape, ask me how I became the Golden Trio's bitch'?" Hermoine huffed angrily. "He's a professor! We could be expelled!"

"But only if we're caught 'Moine. And you won't let that happen, right? Look, Harry'll alter the slogan and it'll be fine!" Ron insisted.

"So," Harry inserted casually before Hermoine could murder her own boyfriend. "'I have been celibate since the Late Stone Age, would you like to help me change that?' Sound smart enough to make Ravenclaws suspects?" The other two Gryffindors stared at their teenage-war-hero friend.

"Sometimes," Hrermoine said calmly, "Harry says or does something intelligent enough to scare me."

"It's his hidden Slytherin side Moine. Me and the guys swear by it. 'Course it never shows up when we need it -glares at J.K. Rowling- but it almost beats Gred and Forge!"

Hermoine raised an eyebrow. "And they call us the Golden Trio? Wow, I'm frightened- what does that say about the rest of Wizarding society?"

"They know not to make us mad?" Harry guessed, levitating Snape's pink leather-clad form into his seat at the head table. He re-worded the Gryffindor and Slytherin colored banner ("the colors look surprisingly good together" Ron commented. The Boy-Who-Lived and the bookworm exchanged terrified glances.), and added a sub-title reading 'I love Hufflepuffs! I want to hug them and squeeze them and call them George!'

"How's your sanity these days Har?" asked Ron gently.

Harry beamed at the couple and chirped "nonexistant!" whilst ignoring their simoultaneous utterings of 'oh dear'. He charmed Snape's silverware to turn into the Hogwarts Eagle, Badger and Snake (all in their house colors, naturally.), and charmed his plate to transfigure into the Lion- all during breakfast. "There's something missing!" The slightly-to-totally insane (depending on the circumstances, of course) Gryffindor declared.

"The people?" suggested the Brain.

Pinky shook his head. "They're not set to do that Muggle dance- what was it Moine? The Crime Corps?"

Hermoine sighed, and bespelled the figurines while correcting Ron. "It's the Time Warp. You need to wash his hair, Ronald. I'm not applying his make-up if his hair's a fright."

"Scourgify!" Snape's hair became downy-soft, and shone like silk. When Hermoine was finished with his face, they solomnly took bets as to how many Hufflepuffs would attempt to hug him.

"I still say they all will!"

"Sure Ronald. Twenty galleons on thirty-three."

"And methinks three quarters!"

"Can I change my bet to three quarters like Har, Moine?"

"No."

"Damn."

"Cheese!"

Hermoine and Ron shared a Look. "Stupfey!" they chorused. They wanted to see the show in the morning, not the 'Late Night Insanity Show, starring... Harry Potter!'


Harry's bet was dead on. The casualties included the figurines (yes, even the Snake!), three quarters of Hufflepuff, half of Ravenclaw, strangely all of Slytherin, and the three sixth-year Gryffindors whose wands were used in the prank. Dumbledore was the only teacher who remained standing. "Lemon Drop, anyone?" Though not for long.


Phew! So, let me know if you like it. By the way, this is set in a very AU seventh year where books six and seven never happened. I'll be adding some unrelated one-shots unless I get a request for something. So! R&R makes the world go round ^.^