All right, chaps. This is a bit of an odd one. It's based on the unmade story premise "Janapurna & the Stallions of Hokar" by Richard Merwin. I read it on the DVD and really liked the idea - thought it was a pity it didn't get made. I've changed a few things around - Kelek's not in it any more for example, since he's already been Disposed Of - and I've added a few bits purely because I thought they were funny! This is definately One For The Ladies, some of you boys migt find it a wee bit sexist. Ah well, gents, you can't win 'em all.

So then: This is an Old School episode, with nothing at all to do with "Epilogue/Prologue" or the adventures following "The Call Home". Set late on in the series (after "Winds of Darkness" at the very least.)

Watch out for quotes & cultural references! I'll point them all out in the end, but there'll be a lot of them. Oh, and Sealgirl - Right back atcha!

Have fun. Scribbles.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

JANAPURNA

Spitting Feathers

A hot day in the Realm, thought Presto, was like nothing he could have imagined on Earth. The heat of four suns shining together in a cloudless sky could be almost maddening. Still, they had nothing to do that day - DM still hadn't been in touch since their last adventure - so at least they were able to take a break from walking in the sweltering heat. He loosened his robes, fanning his neck and legs, and leaned back against the broad trunk of the tree. A slightly awkward silence fell between him and his two fellow shade seekers. He gave a cheery smile to the red haired girl to his left, and was troubled that it was met only half heartedly. He cleared his throat, anxiously, and turned to the youth on his right.

"Talk about sunny, huh?"

"Mmm - hmm," replied the blond boy, distracted.

Presto looked down, perturbed. He noticed that there was a wildflower in Sheila's hand. The realisation struck him - he had sat down between them. They had been sitting under the tree, together, just the two of them. The others had all given them their privacy - Heck, even Diana had gone off to sunbathe - what for, to work on her tan? No, of course, to give them some time alone - and he had just plonked himself down between them. Idiot! He cringed ever so slightly as he got to his feet, wracking his brains for a plausible excuse to leave. To join the sunbathers? Not if he wanted his face to turn into one giant freckle with spectacle lines. Besides, from the look of the youngsters stretched out on the hill, sitting with them would be just as gooseberryish as resting under the tree.

He stifled a sigh. He missed Varla. Of course he missed Varla. He always missed Varla.

"I'm hungry," he lied, stepping towards the valley between hill and tree where they had tossed their weapons and boots. "Gonna see if the hat can rustle up some eats."

He smiled again over his shoulder as he left the pair, and was gladdened to find himself met with two equally grateful expressions.

...

Sheila watched Presto walk away, and picked another flower absent-mindedly.

"Do you think," asked Hank, leaning into her, "that they think there's something going on?"

Don't ... blush...

"What?" she innocently addressed the flower, "Between us?"

"Yeah." Hank shifted into the dent in the grass that Presto had left behind. His thigh brushed against hers. "Between us."

Don't blush! Look at the flower!

"Don't be silly," she told the flower, "we both burn easy. That's all."

"So does Presto. And why is Diana sunbathing?"

Sheila looked up at the sun worshippers, still doing her best not to meet the sky blue eyes gazing intently at her.

"She likes being warm," she explained, watching her friend, "and in that outfit, she isn't warm all too often. And, um..."

She stalled and giggled slightly as she noticed the white flash of Diana's eyes blinking open yet again, and briefly giving the youth lounging beside her the once-over before quickly closing them once more. Intense sunshine and polished metal never made happy bedfellows, and Eric, all too aware of this, had stripped to the waist before settling down in the warm grass. It had taken Diana about a minute to decide to lie down next to him. It was the best fun to watch the pair, displaying themselves as nonchalantly as possible, but both occasionally sneaking those little glances at one another. They hadn't caught each other out yet, but it was only a matter of time...

"I just don't think that this is for our benefit."

Hank followed Sheila's gaze, and shook his head in disbelief.

"Say it ain't so."

"I don't know."

Hank picked a flower himself, and started playing with the stalk.

"But that's ridiculous."

Sheila laughed again. "Isn't it?"

They both watched the sunbathers, lying on the hill with their hands behind their heads. Diana's firm, shiny limbs and taut stomach were everyday - you just got used to walking with a Goddess. Eric was a different matter. It always threw Sheila off guard slightly to see him topless, particularly since coming into the Realm. The combination of strenuous exercise and heavy armour had caused slim muscles to pop up in his arms and chest, and over the past few months a thin line of black had begun to creep towards his navel from beneath his waistband. It stood out now - an ebony arrow in a field of white, pointing out his adult crotch about as discreetly as a big flashing neon sign with the word "Cock" written on it in ten inch high letters. And, Sheila knew, she wasn't the only one to have noticed the changes in the boy, inside and out. Diana had never been shy around Eric, whether fighting or flirting with him, but lately - since the Darkling in particular - she had been spending more and more of her time around the Cavalier, and less and less of it fruitlessly watching the stars.

Sheila thought about muscular torsos and naked male biceps.

She found her eyes running down the green clad arm beside her, and resting on the small flower that the Ranger was winding in and out of his fingers.

"May I?"

She pulled the flower from between his fingers, willing the blood not to pool in her cheeks as their hands touched briefly. She forced a small slit in its thick stem with her thumbnail, and pushed another flower's stalk through the hole, creating the start of a chain. She smiled briefly at Hank, meeting his eyes at last.

"You pick 'em," she grinned, playfully, "I'll split 'em."

...

Eric risked another quick look to his side. Yep. She was still there. She was still there sprawled out next to him, and he was comfortable and he was warm and he wasn't exhausted or aching or starving or in mortal danger. This was pretty much as close to perfection as life could get.

Jesus! A few months in this stupid world and your expectations really started to slide!

Still... He honestly couldn't imagine when he'd have ever had the opportunity to lie, half naked and sun kissed with the walking wet dream that was Diana Jones back on Earth.

He looked again, his eyes darting over her sweat prickled, brown belly. He could feel the heat radiating off his own dark hair. Skin that colour had to be sizzling! He rolled his head back and closed his eyes, and concentrated on elderly nuns and dead dogs.

"Man..." murmured Diana, speaking for the first time since she'd joined him, "what I'd give for an ice-cream right now."

"Mmm," he purred in reply. She'd read his mind. Although his intention wouldn't be to eat the ice-cream. Not immediately, anyway.

"Raspberry Ripple," she sighed, over-pronouncing each word.

"Mango Sorbet," he added, dreamily.

"Rocky Road," she smiled, getting into the game.

"Nah. The nuts would get everywhere."

He allowed her a second to think about he'd said, then, when he realised he wasn't going to be slapped, turned to look at her. She met his smirk impishly.

They smiled at each other, nose to nose, in silence for just a little too long.

"Aren't you hot," she teased eventually, "in those silly iron pants?"

He rolled himself onto his side, propping himself up on an elbow.

"Aren't you hot in that silly furry bra?"

She raised an eyebrow. "My people are used to the heat."

She knew she was feeding him a punch line. She had to. He accepted it as he would a gift.

"Y'know, I heard the East side of town could get quite sunny," he replied innocently.

She must have seen that corny line coming a mile off, but she laughed anyway. It delighted him. That couldn't have been any smoother. And since there was no way he could top it, he just bit his lip and winked at her and pushed himself up onto his feet. Without breaking eye contact with her he turned to walk away. She treated him to the most beautiful smile. He met it, rejoicing inside. And then tripped over Bobby, fell on his face and slid gracelessly down the hill. Diana's laughter rose up first, swiftly followed by a round of applause. So that was what she was smiling about, the rotten...

It was Bobby's grinning face that met him on pushing himself onto on fours.

"What the Hell were you doing there, Butt munch?" he fumed.

"Me and Uni have been here nearly half an hour," smiled the kid, "you just didn't notice."

Eric looked up at Diana, mortified as she nodded in confirmation.

The blond boy sighed mockingly and rolled to the grass next to his pet unicorn, stroking her mane lasciviously.

"Oh Uni... aren't you all hot in that silly horn?"

"Bleh!"

Eric rolled his eyes in irritation as Bobby and Uni both burst into hysterics.

There was a minor explosion behind him, and the sound of a teenage boy choking on noxious gasses. Eric didn't even have to look around any more.

"How's it going, Presto?"

"Almost got it," came the optimistic reply.

...

A lovely silence fell over Hank and Sheila after the fall and the explosion, as they sat in dark green shade of the tree, concentrating on their daisy chain production line. Hank was careful to pick flowers with good petals and thick stems, and never to hand the little redhead two flowers of the same colour in a row. He shot little glances at her as she split the stems expertly, squinting at her thumbnail, the tip of her tongue protruding from the corner of her mouth. He smiled to himself. They were both taking so seriously, anybody would think they were making some mighty weapon that would get rid of Venger and liberate the realm forever. He could just hear what Dungeon Master would say... You must take the road of darkness to the City of Fear where you must place the Daisy chain of Zorak upon the altar of Mirr...

"There."

He looked up at Sheila and his smile widened. They hadn't made the chain quite big enough to go over her head as a necklace, but she had rested it on top of her copper bob like a little wilting multicoloured tiara. She mimed preening, patting at her hair primly.

"How do I look?"

Beautiful. Beautiful. You look beautiful. You always do.

"You look..." he attempted.

She just smiled at him. He took her hand, and she flushed, pressing her lips together.

"You look like..."

"Pie!"

Hank and Sheila stopped in their tracks, frowning, then did a synchronised double take.

"Wha..." began Hank.

"Pie!" cried Presto, flinging his hands up in triumph, "It made chicken pie!"

Hank raised his eyebrows at Sheila.

"OK. I guess we've got pie."

They stood up, brushing the grass from their backsides. The "P" word had already created extreme excitement in both Eric and Bobby, who fussed around the proud young wizard and the large, golden pie in his hands, and Diana and Uni weren't far behind.

"Hey! Good going Presto!"

Presto beamed up at the approaching Acrobat.

"Thanks. I just asked for chicken pie, and out it came. Not burned or raw or anything!"

"Guess tenth time's the charm," interjected Eric, not unkindly, since it had actually been the fifteenth attempt. Presto gave his friend a little laugh, and allowed him to muscle in on the meal, breaking off a huge hunk and cramming it hungrily into his mouth. He chewed once, then twice, then froze.

Bobby stopped still, a handful of pie halfway to his mouth, as he watched the Cavalier's expression twist to one of disgust.

Eric delicately deposited the contents of his mouth back into his hands.

"Yep, that's got feathers in it all right."

"Feathers?" Bobby looked down at his piece of pie. It was full of gravy and meat and, indeed, stubby feathers. He pulled a face and dropped it on the grass.

"Oh no..." Presto sagged.

"Presto," giggled Sheila, "when you asked the hat for chicken pie, did you specify what parts of the chicken we wanted?"

Uni sniffed at the dropped pie at Bobby's feet and wrinkled her nose. Backing away, she had to dart suddenly between the Ranger's legs to escape the remainder of the feather pie that Presto threw in frustration to the ground.

"I can't believe it!"

"I can," growled Eric, throwing his piece down at Presto's feet, "Dork."

Presto just kicked the half chewed pie remains off his shoe, and looked miserable.

Hank opened his mouth to say something, but Diana got in first.

"Don't call him a Dork, Dork."

Hank sighed and turned away from the group. If pie was out, maybe they could find some fruit or berries nearby.

"Hey, he's my Dork and I'll call him a Dork if I want to." Eric slapped Presto on the back just a little too hard. "Right, Dork?"

Hank heard the wet sound of pie filling hitting naked skin, and turned his head just in time to see Eric furiously scraping feathery gravy off his shoulder. Sheila, Bobby and even Presto were all snickering, but the wicked glint in Diana's eye showed she had been the culprit. They all waited for the outraged rant to begin. But it didn't come. Instead Eric just stood silently, and looked from the food in his hand to the Acrobat. He arched an eyebrow at her, an evil smile forming.

"Go on," purred Diana, softly. "I dare you. I double dare y..."

The Cavalier was shockingly quick. Before Diana had time to finish her sentence he had made the three steps towards her and shoved the handful of food down the front of her top. Hank pinched the bridge of his nose as Diana screamed and Sheila screamed and the other boys fell about laughing. By time he opened his eyes again, Eric was sprinting away from the temporary camp with the others, pie laden, in hot pursuit. He looked down at the ground. There was still some of it left. It was so childish. So stupid. So tempting. He looked up at the others, who had pinned Eric down and were trying their best to get pie in his mouth, hair and pants at the same time.

"Apologise, Scumbag!"

"Never!" Eric was trying his best not to laugh. "It was worth it!"

Hank looked again from kids to food to kids, and grinned. Hell, a bit of Cavalier Abuse never hurt anybody...

That's when he saw it - the shadow passing swiftly across the ground.

No... no... no...

He snapped upright and lifted his eyes to the heavens, shielding his eyes from the glare of the suns. There it was. The black outline of a horse galloping through the sky, the massive wings flapping confidently against the air.

No! We were having such a nice day! How dare he!

Still facing skywards, he groped for his bow and boots.

"Incoming!"

The laughter stopped, suddenly. Then there was cursing, and feet running towards the pile of weapons and clothes. Hank looked down for a moment to pull his boots on and to try to help the panicking Cavalier with his breastplate, only to have his hand peevishly slapped away.

"Hank?" Sheila was watching the approaching shadow as she clasped her cloak to herself. Hank looked up as Diana and Bobby exchanged boots across him, following the Thief's eyeline. He bit his bottom lip, swallowing an obscenity.

"There's two of them."

...

Existence slowed to less than half speed.

Fight or run? Fight or run?

The decision he had to make every time, every damn time...

The others were spreading out, Diana and Bobby running towards the creatures, weapons raised, Sheila sprinting off right as she cloaked. He could feel his own feet taking him backwards as he raised his bow and took aim. He locked eyes briefly with Eric who, still central, shuffled nervously from one foot to the other as he shielded Presto and the unicorn, unsure what to next and desperately fighting off his natural flight instinct.

He fired one shot at the closest steed, and Eric began to run towards him, shield up and flinching in anticipation of the force of Venger's retaliation blast.

But nothing happened.

The two boys waited tensely for a moment for the bombardment to strike the shield in front of them, and exchanged curious glances when it didn't come.

"Where's the Kaboom?"

"Yeah," added Hank, pushing Eric's shield out of his eyeline, "this isn't Hornhead's style at all."

"It's not Venger."

The female voice was right behind them, out of nowhere. Despite the foreknowledge that Sheila was invisible, both boys jumped nervously at the sudden, disembodied sound.

"Sheila, what have I told you about doing that?"

The redhead uncloaked, giving Eric an unapologetic smirk.

"Sheila's right." Sheila smiled at Hank's statement, as though taking it as a great compliment.

Hank looked up at the riderless, winged black horses that had now begun circling above the group. The others were starting to jog back to Hank.

"Hey," cried Presto, still heroically wielding a magically produced bathroom plunger, "it's not Venger!"

"We gathered that, thanks." Eric reached over to the little wizard and picked a lump of pie out of his hair. "Dork."

"I don't know what they are, Hank," added Diana, watching the beasts, "but that bolt from your bow just passed straight through them, like they weren't really there."

They all watched the horses flying in rings around them. Uni growled slightly.

Bobby scratched his head. "D'you think they're friendly?"

The larger of the horses reared and let out a high pitched, deafening neigh. Black smoke billowed from its nose and mouth, hitting the top of the tree that Hank and Sheila had rested under earlier. The septet watched in growing horror as the tree curled into itself and rotted away to nothing where it stood.

They let Eric say it. They knew he wanted to.

"Nope."