Welcome to 'Living a Legend's Life'. Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you enjoy your time here, but before we press on, there are a few things you MUST pay heed to. Hearken to me now, children.

Warning: This parody is meant to poke at the stereotypical, bad boy characterization of Solid Snake. If you are susceptible to emotional breakdowns, cannot stomach Metal Gear Solid parodies, or if you're intolerant of my favorite type of Snake (a Snake that exhibits emotion), please take your eyes elsewhere. If you're unable to take parodies lightly, find happiness elsewhere. If you believe parodies to be nothing more than rants, take your time elsewhere. Thank you.

I mean no ill will against the esteemed creator of Metal Gear Solid, any of its characters, or any of its fans. I am trying to make a few statements here, but none of them should be interpreted as RANTS. I am only trying to have fun here. PLEASE DO NO TAKE THIS PARODY SERIOUSLY! ALSO, DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO EVEN A SLIGHT MENTION OF BOY/BOY ACTION!

Disclaimer: I think you guys have this part down. If you don't, then I rule the universe of Galbadia Garden.


Dear children, I'm sure you're aware of history's greatest heroes. I'm sure you're aware of the many heroes inside of movies and books. I'm sure you've turned the pages of many epic novels, fascinated by heroes and their pursuit of justice. You've probably got a lot of favorite heroes, and with good reasons. They're amazing characters, brave and brilliant stallions with hearts of gold.

Solid Snake's one hero you won't care about.

Yep, kids, I speak the truth. Even faced with the world's toughest missions, he's able to keep a straight face. Even when his brother doggedly pursues him into the bowels of Hell, he keeps a straight face. He's nothing like your typical hero. Frodo showed fear before the One Ring! Harry Potter rode roller coasters battling Voldemort! But Solid Snake?

Nothing. You can't get anything out of the guy. You'd be better off taking a brick of cement to see a movie like 'Gladiator' or Nicholas Sparks' 'Last Song'. But does that bother Roy Campbell? Of course not. He's got business to take care of, and he's going to take care of it, no matter what.

"Actually, Snake's going to take care of it. The United States Army will be right behind him, of course, unless it becomes bored. Following someone straight into the bowels of death doesn't really beat a good game of ping pong."

Yes. In the middle of a cold, desolate wasteland, the legendary Solid Snake was preparing for his greatest mission. Now, mind you, he is a clone of his incredibly amazing father, Big Boss. He wasn't born through natural means, which would give anyone a really bad complex, right? I mean, wouldn't you hate knowing you were just spawned off a set of genes and DNA strains? And to top it all off, your father's never really a part of your life. Now did any of that bother good ol' Snake?

Nope.

"Get it over with, Colonel. I need one of my cigs."

"I'm actually a Sergeant now."

"So you were demoted?"

"I don't think so. I think Sergeants are above Colonels."

"You're a little off, Campbell, in more ways than one."

"Address me as 'Captain', Snake. And now for your mission. You're being tasked with the responsibility of defeating Psychotic Wildfrog. In order to reach him, you'll have to cast yourself into a flaming furnace. Then, once you're beyond that furnace, you'll have to face off against mutilated victims of the Uroboros virus. If you die, we'll use government funding to replace you. Any questions?"

Puff puff.

"Yeah. What are we doing about Liquid?"

"Oh yeah-Liquid! Liquid is your estranged brother, Snake, and he's hellbent on taking over the world! Once upon a time..."

After three hours of complex merry-go-round exposition, Roy grinned. "And so, what I'm trying to explain to you is this. Liquid is your brother, Snake, and you must do everything in your power to stop him."

"Liquid? My brother?"

"Yes, Snake, your brother. If you don't stop him, the human civilization will be doomed!"

"What about Psychotic Wildfrog?"

Confusion crumbled up Roy's face. "Psychotic Wildfrog? Who's that? Snake, I do believe you're becoming senile!"


And so, our heroic Snake boarded the Nomad and prepared himself to battle the world's greatest threats-Liquid Snake and Psychotic Wildfrog! With the help of his faithful sidekick Otacon, he knew he'd be able to win the day! Nothing could ever stop the dynamic duo of Otacon and Solid Snake! They were thick and true friends, tried and true friends, two peas in a pod! They were-

"What's with all of the Gundam figurines? Are you really that big of an anime geek?!"

"Don't bash my love for anime, Snake! And those figurines help me to cope with the loss of my sister, Sniper Wolf, Naomi-"

"First off all, Sniper Wolf asked me to put her down! Second, Naomi was a scheming tramp!"

"I knew that, but how dare you make fun of her?! She asked me to carry out her will!"

"She injected me with FOXDIE, you asshole!"

Whimpering, Otacon hugged one of his precious Nataku figurines. "Beggars can't be choosers, Snake. I need love, and I need it now!"

"Excuse me, but I'm available."

Our dynamic duo exchanged a wide-eyed glance, then turned to the conversation's newcomer. "Hey," the old soldier said, pointing at the new figure in the doorway. "Aren't you our pilot?"

"Well, yeah. I just wanted Otacon to know I've had, like, the biggest crush on him for the longest time. And I saw him at the last anime convention."

"Oh yeah! I wore my Pikachu costume! You were there?"

"Sure was. I was Balmung of the Azure Sky!"

Raising a hand, Snake cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but who's flying this thing?"

"Don't worry, Snake! I'm sure our Balmung here turned the Nomad's 'auto pilot' feature on!"

The pilot's eyes darted between Snake and his lifelong pal. "This thing's equipped with 'auto pilot'?"

And so, after the Nomad crashed into the side of the mountain like a meteor, Solid Snake began his greatest mission. Otacon and Balmung decided to do a little roleplaying by bonfire, anticipating the swift return of their unparalleled hero. He-

"Wait a minute. Why am I still called 'Solid Snake' when I'm older than dinosaur dust, thanks to that tramp's virus? And why does the Mark II look like one of your damn Gundams, Otacon?!"

"I was inspired by the Gundam Seed series. Man, you've got to watch that someday! The drama, the excitement, the steamy romance-"

"Ugh. Just tell me where I can find Liquid, moron, so I can kick ass and get out of here!"

Out of nowhere, in the fashion of all true villians, Liquid Snake made his grand appearance. Standing on a mountaintop, he looked down on his only sibling maliciously! "Brooooootheeeeeer," he howled as the silver moon rose. "You have arrived! And here, you will meet your doom!"

"Liquid!"

"Die!"

"Uh...you kinda did it wrong. I didn't say 'Fox'."

"Oh. Well, I'm here to crush the heir of Big Boss' glory! I'm here to erase my one and only sibling from the face of the Earth! You won't taint my plans ever again, Snake!"

Now, I know you know of heroes that have battled against family members. Luke Skywalker battled against his father, Darth Vader. And many heroes have had equally troubling battles against dear friends. Having your brother hellbent on killing you would've scared the daylights out of you, right? Wouldn't it have broken your heart?

Did it bother Snake?

"Can we just get this over with? I'm kinda tired."

Well, there's your answer, children.

And at that very moment, Liquid unsheathed his holy and mighty blade of lightning! "Have at you, Snake," he roared at the top of his lungs, rushing out at his sibling. "Your time on this planet has come to an end! I, and only I, will end your miserable existence!"

And so, the greatest duel began! Liquid and Solid Snake lashed out at each other, each one determined to emerge victorious! Liquid lashed out at Snake, Snake lashed out at Liquid, and then-

"Snaaaaaaake!"

"I'll be right back," the old soldier said, raising a hand. He left Liquid with a grunt, only to discover Otacon bawling over the fallen Nomad pilot. Oh my goodness, what happened to the poor dear?

"Snaaaaaaake! He's dead and I don't know what to do!"

"Oh quit your bawling. What happened?"

"Snake, I killed him! He died while making love to me!"

And so, while the poor anime junkie bawled over his fallen lover, Snake stood still with closed eyes. Several minutes elapsed before he issued a rough grunt. "I'd rather gag myself than listen to this," he muttered underneath his breath. "Listen, you idiotic chipmunk. I don't have the time to deal with whimps like you! You killed him, you deal with it!"

"Wow. I had no idea my brother was such a jerk!"

A sobbing Hal Emmerich turned to Liquid, who had appeared at his side. "He's the worst," he whimpered, wiping at his eyes. "You've got to help me, Liquid! I'm lonely, I don't know what to do, and Snake's not helping!"

"Well then," Liquid purred, rubbing his palms together. "I might have an idea. Why don't you give yourself to me?"

"Are you two serious?! Otacon, you're supposed to be my damn support!"

"I'm not supporting you if you won't support me," the anime addict said firmly, sticking his lip out. "So there! I'm on your brother's team now, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"No one's going to do anything about anything, kyaaaaaah!"

Oh my! All three of our heroes raised their heads to the sky, instantly greeted by the wondrously wicked Psychotic Bullfrog!

Wait a minute. Was it 'Bullfrog' or 'Wildfrog'?

"Snaaaaaaake, I'm here to kill you, kyaaaaaaaah!"

Liquid began his pouting session. "Hey! That's my job! Snake only has room for one executioner, and it's going to be me!"

The odd bullfrog of a creature looked at its webbed fingers. "I guess you'll have to take a number," the beast croaked with a grin. "Meanwhile, I'll take a gander at Snake's memory card! Hmmmmm......"

The Prehistoric and Ice Ages passed by. The future came and went as well, carrying the stars and sun. "Odd," the green, airborne creature said, counting something on its fingers. "Snake doesn't have a Memory Card!"

Snake couldn't have been any happier at that moment. "Oh really?! What brought you to that amazing, spellbinding conclusion?! Do you see any Memory Cards anywhere?!"

Otacon poked at his former first friend. "Snaaaake..."

"WHAT?!"

"Time to change to Disc 2, Snake! We're all done with the first disc! Isn't this amazing? What will they think of next, huh Snake?"

"Oh, out of all the freakin', damned-"

Please insert Disc 2 to continue Metal Gear Solid 4 1/2: Liquid and Otacon's New World Order.

"Wait a minute. If this is MGS4 1/2, then shouldn't I be-"

"Yep," Liquid said, flipping through the pages of a bulky script. "I'm sorry brother, but you're supposed to be dead. It says here you die of heartache. You don't even die from FOXDIE, let alone become a biological weapon."

"Heartache? Where in the hell did that come from?"

Liquid pressed on, still reading the script. "Well, it says here that you became so depressed over inevitable death, you just threw the towel in a month after you killed me. I don't how I came back to life or anything, but that's just what this says here. I didn't write any of this."

"Wait a minute! Who says I gave a damn about Hal, Sunny or anyone else?! Why in the hell would I keel over and die from heartbreak?! That's got to be the worst garbage I've ever heard!"

Flipping through its own copy of the script with Hal, Psychotic Wildfrog spoke next. "Well, they could have went with the 'Snake transforms into biological weapon and blows up the entire world' plotline, but that wasn't really popular. As you can probably figure out, that wouldn't have worked too well with future Metal Gear Solid audiences, as there wouldn't have been any."

Our brave hero took out one of his cigarettes. "So who's writing this pile of garbage?"

"No one's writing it," Hal explained, as if it should have been obvious. "We're in a simulator I created, just to keep you and your mind alive! I didn't want to lose any part of you, so I locked us inside of an alternative world, if you will!"

Now, wouldn't that have moved you to tears? Wouldn't hearing those words from your best friend bring a smile to your face? Sure, things would have been a little creepy, but everyone wants to be loved! Everyone wants to be remembered! Right?

"Oh please. You're just a sick, depraved tech geek living in some fantasy world! And if we're all in here, who's taking charge over things?"

Liquid tossed away his script. "Some guy by the name of Raiden."

"Oh my freakin-"

Psychotic Wildfrog stepped into the fray, scratching its chin. "And you do know you're going to become a weapon of biological warfare, right? It says so, in three months."

"Listen, you cremated asshole! If I'm already dead, there isn't going to be any biological weapon! And who gave a damn in the first place?! I was created for war!"

"Now, Snake, that's not very nice. We're all in this world together! You need to be more courteous of those around you!"

"Oh shut up, you useless sack of skin! You're talking about courtesy, and all you ever do is whine over those trampy wretches you sacked!"

"Is this what Metal Gear Solid is really all about?" Liquid asked, turning to Nomad's pilot. Meanwhile, Otacon and Old Snake continued the battle of the minds! "If it is, maybe I should have joined Splinter Cell. Or perhaps Lost Planet!"

"Yeah, I'm thinkin' I should have become a Pokemon trainer myself. This isn't really my kind of gig. But you seem to have more personality quirks than Old Snake here. Why weren't you the star of this series?"

Peering into the sky, Liquid thought. "Good question. Perhaps I was too scary of a character."

"Wait a minute. If we're in an alternate version of MGS4, aren't you Liquid Ocelot?"

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Then why have you been identified as Liquid Snake for the duration of this piece of crap?"

"Because...Liquid Snake sounds sexier!"

Otacon's lover sighed. "I heard there's an opening for a Resident Evil villian. Wesker kinda died at the end of Chris and Sheva's adventure. Wanna fill that position?"

"Hey! Why not? I've got experience working with viruses! Sounds like the perfect job for me!"

"HEY! I said that before I went into GW!"

Liquid frowned, looking at his enraged brother. "Wasn't it JD?"

With that, dear lads and lassies, we reach the end of our tale. I hope, with these words, you'll move on and keep the legend of Solid Snake close to your hearts. I hope love for Solid Snake forever burns deep inside of you, as a torch burns for those wandering in the night.

Ah, who am I kidding? Go back to your Harry Potters and vampires. You'd be better off having Mickey Mouse as your favorite hero. Hopefully Raiden will give us something more to cheer for.