I had too much fun making fun of the "perfect" Wakefield twins in this parody of the SVH series. Hope no one minds the exaggerated flaws and the outright mockery of the "perfect" little town; nothing is scared here.

Jezebel and Eleanor Wakefiend were twins. Sixteen, Californian and blonde, they were identical down to the last dark-gold eyelash. And what eyelashes those were! Long, fluttering and dark, they never needed mascara because they were so perfect. Come to think of it, the twins' looks were flawless; the quintessential California blondes, they were tanned to a perfect honey color and their long silky hair shone golden in the sunlight. They had perfect oval faces, dazzling blue-green eyes the color of the Pacific, heart-shaped pink lips and radiant white smiles. Their features were dainty and perfectly proportioned. As though this weren't enough, they were the perfect height – 5'6" – and had identical size 4 figures; along with long slender legs, flat stomachs and tiny waists, they both needed triple D cup bras. Yes, the twins were both stunningly beautiful; it was a wonder they were still stuck in humdrum Smut Valley while they had looks to rival even Hollywood's most enhanced screen sirens.

However, the similarities between them were only skin deep. Jezebel was a flirt; if I were mean, I would say that she was a prick tease. She was selfish and her only interests were boys, shopping and tanning. Despite her superficial and often vicious nature, Jezebel was very popular at school; I suppose that because she was constantly showing off those huge boobs in low-cut tops and bikinis, most of the football team wanted to sleep with her. In fact, most of them had; in addition to being a cheerleader, Jezebel was the school slut though her deluded parents (Nerd and Candice) thought their Jessica was a good girl. Eleanor wasn't much better; while Jezebel was a selfish slut – who once spiked her sister and boyfriend's punch, resulting in his death in a tragic car crash – Eleanor was boring. She wore boring clothes – men's oxford shirts and ugly cargo pants – that hid her figure. She wrote boring articles for the school newspaper The Orifice. Eleanor had only had sex with one boy – her equally boring boyfriend Toad Dickinson – and did boring things with boring friends. Aeneid 'Alexandra' Rollins, her best friend, secretly resented Eleanor; the boring blonde was only popular because she was pretty and had big boobs – without these "assets", she would have been just as unpopular as Aeneid. Olive Droividson, her other friend, also secretly hated Eleanor; Olive was a strange girl with frizzy hair who called herself an "artist" because she could throw paint on a canvas. It was no surprise that Jerkey Frenchie had been in love with Eleanor while dating her, but she hated her friend for this.

Today, Jezebel – who was sleeping in a fuschia satin camisole with black lace trim – was woken by a screech. She started screaming too as she opened her eyes to see her twin standing over her and waving her fist at her.

"Lenny, stop shrieking, you interrupted my beauty sleep!" she bellowed.

"Never mind your beauty sleep!" Eleanor shouted back furiously, "You stole my white tank top and I can't find it in this mess you call a room! Where is it?"

"Which white tank top? Do you mean the one that you wear almost every day? I don't know, it probably needs to be washed. Who cares? Here just wear this, it's new – and God knows you need to start dressing better," said Jezebel, tossing one of her many purchases at her sister and giving an affected little shudder as she looked over Eleanor's "outfit" of a washed-out blue oxford shirt and shapeless blue jeans.

"This? You want me to wear this? It doesn't have sleeves!" Eleanor exclaimed, examining the top. It was a hot pink halter top with a plunging front and only a bow-shaped tie at the back. However, she had no clean shirts left – Candice Wakefiend was having an affair with one of her co-workers and hadn't got round to doing laundry – and had no choice but to wear the revealing top.

"There you go, you're starting to look like you could be my twin! Now if you would just try on some skinny jeans…or a miniskirt…"

"Forget it," said Eleanor stalking out.

Tacky as the top was, Eleanor's style was so dull that even this was an improvement. The top made it impossible to wear a bra and so Eleanor's breasts were clearly outlined. At school that day, she received even more attention than Jezebel – who was sulking because no one was trying to look up her skirt – this never happened! Every boy was staring at Eleanor and Toad was feeling very pleased with himself. No fat ugly girls for him! He was going out with the girl who looked like a porn star – and had a twin! Little did he know that in their first year of college, a depressed Eleanor would put on some weight – to fit a perfectly average size 8 – and he would dump her in search of thinner, prettier girls. But that's another story – right now, Eleanor is stunningly gorgeous with a perfect figure that Toad is salivating over. Even Mr. Collins – the good-looking blond, blue-eyed English teacher who had raped Sue-Anne Devil and gotten away with it – was staring at his prize pupil. He was trying to figure out a way to sleep with her without getting rape charges pressed against him again (what a pain that had been!); maybe Eleanor would like some extra credit? After all, she was a nerd, despite that sizzling body.