Author's note: Most of the characters in this result of permanent insanity don't belong to us. So please don't sue me! You'll get nothing more than.... ::digs through purse:: A pez dispenser,a stick of gum, a nail file, two watermelon lifesavers and an empty cinnamon Altoids can. That's all I got! Honest!
If you're an avid follower of the crossover circuit, or hell, if you haven't been under a rock for the last few years, you should know at least two or three of the things we've stuck in here and most likely who they belong to. But for reasons beyond me, we have decided to set aside a section at the end, just for acknowledgements. If curious as to who someone is, or if you're looking for a specific credit, look there. Thank-you, The Management.
And For those of you who care: If you can spot (that doesn't mean looking in the acknowledgements and cheating!) all the cameo appearances in this massive story of epic proportions, and name them all back to me with the situation they're in; I, Robyn [caoscause@home.com], will personally hunt you down and give you a lap dance. (And I, Sean, will give you the greatest prize of all time!-- the Invisible Nickel!)
Friends and Foes
Prologue: Introduction to Confusion
(Getting the crap outta the way; or Even transdimensional beings need to
spin the occasional yarn... Or two....)
"Oh Gatekeeper!" calls out an amused contralto voice. "Come out come out, where-ever you are!" calls the owner of the voice-- a woman possessing great height and bearing, who stands, carrying herself like royalty.
"Go away, Lilith." replies a surly voice from the other side of the gate. "I'm busy watching Pamela Lee and her husband.... I mean-" suddenly sounding worried, the voice shifts upward in scale to become thunderous and booming. "BE GONE, LILITH OF THE OMNIVERSE!! Pressing matter's arise in the time-stream even now."
The tall beauty shakes her head, swishing straight, ebony hair from side to side. "Uh-huh. Suuure.... Do I look like I was born yesterday?!"
"Depending on who you ask and on which variation of the 4th dimension your particular species sees, you WERE born yesterday." replies the voice, now sounding amused.
The woman, Lilith, waves a hand regally in response. "Technical mumbo-jumbo won't frighten me, GK. Now come out." she looks miffed, until she suddenly grins sadistically. "Or else!"
"Just a moment...." the voice gushes, as sounds rattle from beyond the cold iron gate. There's a blast of cold currents and a dark shimmering in the air infront of Lilith as the GateKeeper appears. Little more than a shadow in the vague shape of a man, he disdained taking corporeal form. "What do you require of me?" he says, seemingly exasperated at this interruption.
"Yay!" Lilith says, then golf claps and plops onto the ground, grinning like a kid in a candy store. "Wanna hear a story?" she asks looking at TGK expectantly, her violet eyes unblinking.
"Do I have a choice?"
Lilith cocks her head, as if seriously pondering the question. "Not really." she then gestures to spot next to her. "You might want to sit down, it's an epic of heroic proportions!"
"Oh, god...you didn't go and create another The Stand, didja?" asks the keeper of the gate between the dimensions. The man who's respnsiblilty is to keep people where they belong.
"No," then she raises a delicate eyebrow and grins, "But then-again... I could if you wanted me to..."
"NO!! No, please not that again!!!" TGK sits down,not wanting to incur her peculiar form of wrath. "I'll listen... Ummm... will I miss dinner, though?"
Lilith just shrugs. "Does it matter? You can teleport in food!" As if to demonstrate, she snaps her fingers and a glass of thin red 'wine' appears. "See what I mean?" she asks, smiling and taking a perfunctory sip.
"True...." he replies, then burps and a coke appears."I'm just a teenager at heart..."
Lilith scowls and sticks out her tongue in distaste."No kidding!"
"Anyway's, enough with the thinly veiled insults." at this he winked. "What's this story about?"
"It's about a universe that never existed, but survives anyway."
"Nonsense." Replies the GateKeeper. "I'd know aboutany place such as that. Omniversal monitoring and policing power's and all that...."
Creating a newspaper from thin air, Lilith smacked him lightly on the forehead and told him "Shush and listen!"
"I'm talking about a universe," she continues, "that never really existed, but in word alone. You do know Robyn's Theory on Dimensional Proportions Directly Related to Author's Profession, right?"
Suddenly, a look of fierce concentration came over the GateKeeper. "Uh...Robyn's...theory...complicated...mind...in...pain...can't....stop... speaking...like...Shatner......explain it again, please."
Lilith heaves a big sigh and begins. "Well, the person I'm speaking of believes that when a writer writes, they create more than a story. They create a universe. That author has control over that universe. Occasionally, a writer (or two) creates a world so complicated that it has to be set aside and labeled 'Nonexistent' so it doesn't bother anybody. Get what I mean?" she finishes, glancing at TGK.
"Hmmm" he replies. "Yeah, I guess. A guy I know--Sean,ever heard of 'em?--has a similar theory, only less well-developed."
Nodding, Lilith replies "He's a friend of Robyn's. And of course I know him! I know everybody!"
Glaring at Lilith, the GateKeeper answers with "I've known Q's less arrogant than you!!"
"Me? Arrogant?" Lilith answers, batting her eyelashes."Thank you for the compliment!" She passes him a flattered glance.
TGK mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like "bitch" then continues by saying, "Anyways, on with what you were saying. How come I wouldn't know of any attempted universal creation like that? Seems it would hit upon my job at least a little...."
After glaring at him sharply, Lilith says, "Well, the labeling falls among something the universe seems to do automatically, it's an interesting phenomena, that I have yet to trace back... Umm I digress. Since it's self-contained, you aren't alerted to its presence in the cosmic balance of things. You don't have time to look at every dimension. Only ones that need you hit your radar, so to speak. Can I tell my story now?"
"Sure." He replies, his face split open by an evil grin. "But don't for a moment think I'm gonna sit back here and do nothing--you give me a single opening, and the wise-crack's will start flying."
Rolling her eyes, Lilith replies "Oh joy. Another smart-ass.Why do I even bother with you?"
"Because," TGK replies quite seriously, "I'm a fundamental force of the Omniverse every bit as needed as you and there's no way to get rid of me, so you might as well try to have some fun with me?
Lilith thinks about it for a second, then shake's her head and replies "Umm…No. That can't be it."
Looking around, Lilith suddenly asks, "Can we order pizza from here?"
Seeming a bit puzzled, TGK answers "Umm...no, I don't think they deliver to an address such as 'the closest trans-dimensional gateway'. Besides, in their time-stream this place won't exist for another 2500 years. But I got the next best thing!!" Crossing his eyes, there was a popping sound and two large meat-lover's pizza's appeared. "It's not delivery...it's Digiorno!!"
Lilith laughed, the sound like peals of silvery bells. "That reminds me. Have you seen Raven lately?"
Muttering in anger, he said "She still won't tell me what she did with that damned sword…
Now it was Lilith's turn to look puzzled. Shrugging, she said "Raven gave it to Katarack. I thought you knew."
Eye's opening wide, TGK nearly bellows "KATARACK!?! That shrimp? The sword's bigger than he is!!"
Shrugging again, Lilith says "I don't know how he uses it, but he does."
Shaking his head in resignation, he replies "So you're telling me that now we've got a foot-high dwarf with an Elder sword, strong magic, and a bad attitude traveling through dimensional portals? Probably farting all the damned way?"
Lilith nodded and said, "Anyway, my story starts in a bar."
Smiling wickedly, TGK starts singing in a horribly off-key voice. "Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name...."
Raising her eyebrows, Lilith just says "Huh?"
TGK continues singing in that horribly off-key voice. "And they're always glad you came/sometimes you wanna go where the troubles are all the same..." then he stops, looks at Lilith mischievously, and asks "Is Norm gonna be in here?"
Rubbing her temples like she's developing a headache, Lilith answers "Okay, from this point on, I ignore you. Alright?"
Winking, TGK answers with "Alright. Doesn't mean I'll stop."
Shuddering, Lilith continued on. "My story startsin a bar named DragonHolme..."
Eyes glinting again, TGK broke in with " 'Pronounced DragonH-O-M-E'
by those without a cleft pallet."
